Mommy Cliques

[Little_Mary]

BLB_Oregon:

A few possibilities come to mind…

Keep a polite distance from anyone who has been so pointedly and directly rude to you. If they make any overture to mend the fence, graciously accept, but otherwise, shake their dust from your feet. Let your kids play together, be willing to work together, but give up on initiating a closer connection. If anyone asks, just say, “I just get the feeling that they don’t care for me.” As for close friends, look elsewhere. I would hope that someday that fence can be mended, and I do not mean to hold a grudge, but don’t make an opening for them to find a more intolerable way to send the message. It doesn’t do anyone any good.

Thanks BLB, I can tell a lot of thought went into your post and you make some good points. I’ll never know which scenario is true and I’m content with that (6 months ago it was eating me alive). I have had enough and am ready to move on.

When this school year is over, I will not volunteer for anything more. I will pay my tuition and get my children to school on time and pick them up on time. I will use the extra time to spend with my children (rather than on some fund raising committee or other). I will also use the time to pursue other interests of mine, such as my flute, my home business, and my physical and spiritual life. (In other words, lose weight, pray more, make more money and enjoy music not particularly in that order )

Hey! Then I’ll be gorgeous, talented, rich and holy…won’t they all wish they’d been nicer to me then!!!

 

[Little_Mary]

Giannawannabe:

Little Mary,
My heart goes out to you. Honestly, that is soooooo mean. I’m tellin’ ya…these ladies are just plain cliquey and probably have been that way since junior high. Blech! Who’d want to be friends with them anyway. I think you made your last ditch effort with those women. Carry on…pray for a nice friend or two. I wish you were nearby…I’d invite you out for coffee and we could chat.

Thanks! You’re so sweet!

 

[Little_Mary]

just5kids:

Little Mary, I have a somewhat different take. I hope you will humor me.
I think being too eager or familiar can be a social liability in the minds of some. As for me, I don’t think I would jump in and try to invite myself along, just because I wasn’t included in the first place and I would be afraid I would come off passive-aggresive. But if you would like to make an effort at a friendship, why not get the birthday mom a little treat and a birthday card, and give it to her sweetly in car pool line tomorrow? It would be so charming and thoughtful.
I have failed to reach out to a lot of people in the last few years in my new home. I gravitated to moms who were familar, with whom I fit in, and I had lots of internal angst about moms I hadn’t yet reached out to (usually in classes of my younger children) but who had formed their own clique. Without me! Imagine! Surely they were snobs! But this year I resolved to try to get to know some better, especially those whom I most considered aloof. I have made more friends and surprised myself when I learned that they were so wonderful all along. One idea: I had a Christmas caroling party and invited just about everyone in the kids’ classes. We had a great showing, who can resist caroling, and it was an easy affair for us: cocoa and minimal sweets. So I could be at my home where I am most comfortable in a casual event to try to get to know some better.
Just my thoughts. A different take.

Thanks for your post. I have tried a few different things - hosting a pokeno night (a parlor game, if you will) and I’ve offered more than once to be on the call list for the Bunko group they’ve got. I’ve tried to arrange lunches/coffee with a few of them, etc. Just no response. It’s been a long three years!

 

[Little_Mary]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

Jewish tradition…
Bread- that you’ll always have food
Salt- that you’ll always have spice in your life
Wine- so you will never thirst
it was the way Malki Tzedek greeted Abraham - (source: Genesis 14:18)

Then I add “Bag-O-Salad”, spaghetti and sauce. It’s dinner.

That’s a great idea! It’s also the way George and Mary Bailey welcomed their Building and Loan customers into their new homes!! (It’s a Wonderful Life - the movie - remember?) Now I know where they got the idea!!

I may just get this mom some aroma-therapy something-or-other from Bath and Body Works - something to use to relax when she’s feeling bad.

 

[Little_Mary]

Giannawannabe:

My brother gave us a bottle of nice wine to age until we paid off the mortgage. Perhaps you could also bring her a dinner. Tell her that you had planned to do that when she moved into her house, but she seemed to need a little pick me up, so you made her one anyway. Include some of those cool Pampered Chef items!!!

I love the idea of saving a bottle of wine until the mortgage is paid off! I may include that one! Thanks!

 

[beckyann2597]

Make sure its a wine that is supposed to age a long time. My husband is in the wine business and I can ask him which wines those would be if you like. Some wines go bad after a while…

 

[ReginaNova]

Little Mary:

I’ve got two arms, two legs and all my teeth. I wonder if I should change my deodorant

You sure do seem to be reading these women right. They are unfriendly and insensitive. At least you are keeping your sense of humor. What was that Groucho Marx line about not wanting to belong to any club that would have him… (If they ever invite you into their little group, be very careful that the price of membership is not to act similarly to other non-members.)

 

[Princess_Abby]

Well, at this point I hope you had a good laugh, because any adult women who are that blatantly rude clearly have some issues, and none of them have to do with you! It would be one thing if they were going to a nice restaurant where reservations are required and squeezing in an extra person at the last minute is frowned upon; but wings and beer at a sports bar? I think you’re right about them being uninterested in including you, but jeeze–lucky you! You sound far too nice and normal to want to socialize with women like that.

Are you sure you don’t want to select a personal interest and take a class or find a social outlet for it? (Sports, literature, dance, writing, singing, etc.) You would meet people away from this catty little parish group.

What about your neighborhood? When I was little, my mom was on some type of home owners’ board for neighborhood issues and ended up being the social chair who organized all these really fun block parties throughout the summer and holiday parties in the winter. It really built a lot of community and everyone got to know each other. After a few years she suggested it at the parish and we also had parties with our Catholic neighbors. (They divided the parish boundaries up and recruited volunteers for every sub-group to act as rotating hosts.) Anyway, starting with the neighborhood might be simpler?

 

[wacky_wonderful]

Little Mary, what does your husband say about all this? Also, I love your sense of humor.

 

[just5kids]

Little Mary:

Thanks for your post. I have tried a few different things - hosting a pokeno night (a parlor game, if you will) and I’ve offered more than once to be on the call list for the Bunko group they’ve got. I’ve tried to arrange lunches/coffee with a few of them, etc. Just no response. It’s been a long three years!

I understand, but if you did something which included their children, it is easier to get them to come, as no sitter is necessary and who can resist something geared toward kids?

 

[Island_Oak]

Princess_Abby:

Well, at this point I hope you had a good laugh, because any adult women who are that blatantly rude clearly have some issues, and none of them have to do with you! It would be one thing if they were going to a nice restaurant where reservations are required and squeezing in an extra person at the last minute is frowned upon; but wings and beer at a sports bar? I think you’re right about them being uninterested in including you, but jeeze–lucky you! You sound far too nice and normal to want to socialize with women like that…

:clapping: It makes my blood boil when adults are this rude to others. I’m so sorry you were treated this way.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Little Mary:

When this school year is over, I will not volunteer for anything more. I will pay my tuition and get my children to school on time and pick them up on time. I will use the extra time to spend with my children (rather than on some fund raising committee or other). I will also use the time to pursue other interests of mine, such as my flute, my home business, and my physical and spiritual life. (In other words, lose weight, pray more, make more money and enjoy music not particularly in that order )

The school still needs your time, if you have it to give. Your parish probably has similar needs. If your home business allows, there are also usually daytime opportunities to volunteer that involve interaction with teachers and staff, rather than with other parents. If there is no way to volunteer within your school and parish without running afoul of their rudeness, there are many ministries and organizations in the wider world that need you.

When you quit, you may well be asked back onto all that stuff you do now, or asked to explain why you’re quitting. It’s not as if they’ve not been willing to take your time. If you’re asked, say, “I’m so sorry, but I’ve found other ways to volunteer that suit our family better, and frankly, even that takes up a little more time than I have to spare.” They are due no more explanation than that. (As in a clueless, “Other ways that suit you better? Like what?” needs only the reply, “I beg your pardon? Sorry, but as I just said, my volunteer time is spoken for.”)

If you’re not asked… great. Maybe they know how to take a hint. But do give time, if you have it to give. Volunteers are in such short supply. It would be a pity to lose that needlessly, on account of their bad behavior.

The ideal, though, is to bow out as quietly and unobtrusively as you can. You don’t want these women making life hard on your kids. Rather, you want your kids playing with their kids and their kids going home with rave reviews about how wonderful you are… and no pretext whatsoever for their mothers to put any brakes on that. Coals on their heads, my dear, hot searing coals on their heads.

 

[KatieD]

LittleMary, trust me, you’re probably not missing much by not being involved with some of these moms. I know several women who fit this description.

Whoever posted above that the mean girls grow up and become the mean women is right. I am very well acquainted with a similar bunch. These women were actually friends of mine for several years. (And we did meet doing volunteer work at the school.) After awhile, I noticed that most of them spent their time gossiping and putting other people down and talking about how wonderful their own kids were. In fact, some of them talked about (and still do when I occasionally am with a couple of them) each other and each other’s kids. So I could only imagine what they say about me or my family!

They are clueless to their own rudeness - I have had a similar experience to yours, even to the point of them being at a barbecue across the yard at the home of one of my supposed best friends while they could see that I was home. When that happened, I figured I hadn’t lost much if they were willing to treat a friend that way.

I would suggest that you continue doing what you’re doing - work on your own home life, prayer life, etc., and maybe consider joining a book club at the library, anything where you aren’t going to be limited to just them as potential friends. Good luck - and remember, you’re not really alone!

 

[Consecrated]

Little Mary:

Thanks for your post. I have tried a few different things - hosting a pokeno night (a parlor game, if you will) and I’ve offered more than once to be on the call list for the Bunko group they’ve got. I’ve tried to arrange lunches/coffee with a few of them, etc. Just no response. It’s been a long three years!

Ok, I’ve got to know. Am I the only one who has never heard of “bunko” before?

 

[Little_Mary]

Consecrated:

Ok, I’ve got to know. Am I the only one who has never heard of “bunko” before?

Bunko is a dice game that you play with 12 people. Somehow you roll the dice and the first team to get to 21 wins. It’s just an easy, no-thought-required game you can play and visit with friends at the same time.

 

[Little_Mary]

beckyann2597:

Make sure its a wine that is supposed to age a long time. My husband is in the wine business and I can ask him which wines those would be if you like. Some wines go bad after a while…

I would love some suggestions! Thanks!

 

[Little_Mary]

ReginaNova:

. What was that Groucho Marx line about not wanting to belong to any club that would have him… (If they ever invite you into their little group, be very careful that the price of membership is not to act similarly to other non-members.)

Gotta love Groucho!!

 

[Little_Mary]

Princess_Abby:

Are you sure you don’t want to select a personal interest and take a class or find a social outlet for it? (Sports, literature, dance, writing, singing, etc.) You would meet people away from this catty little parish group.

What about your neighborhood? When I was little, my mom was on some type of home owners’ board for neighborhood issues and ended up being the social chair who organized all these really fun block parties throughout the summer and holiday parties in the winter. It really built a lot of community and everyone got to know each other. After a few years she suggested it at the parish and we also had parties with our Catholic neighbors. (They divided the parish boundaries up and recruited volunteers for every sub-group to act as rotating hosts.) Anyway, starting with the neighborhood might be simpler?

I will definitely look into our HOA. We do have some nice neighbors that I just don’t know very well yet. Also picked up my flute again which is a great outlet for me.

 

[Little_Mary]

wacky&wonderful:

Little Mary, what does your husband say about all this? Also, I love your sense of humor.

My husband is great! He just says “Hey, forget about them! Don’t let them bother you like that!” He has not experienced first had what I have experienced - understandably so. So, he tries to listen and be supportive but deep down, he really doesn’t understand b/c he just doesn’t have the same experiences. Gender thing I guess. He could care less if he gets invited to Bunko!!

 

[Little_Mary]

just5kids:

I understand, but if you did something which included their children, it is easier to get them to come, as no sitter is necessary and who can resist something geared toward kids?

I’ve tried this. Birthday parties for one. Sure, all the moms chat during the party but when the party is over, it’s over.

Suggestions to stay a while for coffee or whatever when they drop the kids off are graciously refused. Or easily avioded altogether by sending their husbands to do the taxi driving instead.

Suggestions to meet at the mall or bowling alley or park, graciously refused.