Mommy Cliques

[Island_Oak]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

…I agree that just stating that you WON’T fit in is it’s own curse, but what most of the people are talking about here is snoody people and no amount change on your part is going to make them any different.

As a general rule snooty people make up a small percentage of the population and are the most insecure people in any room. To allow someone who is scared into small-mindedness to intimidate you from becoming more social is regretable.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Island Oak:

Note to all self-described misfits: do NOT follow the advice above. No offense Sarc, but there may just be a reason you and others here are feeling out of place–and it may not be the fault of anyone else, cliques, snobs, etc. Not one “misfit” here sounds happy about their situation–so why not fix it instead of digging in your heels or resigning yourself to loneliness.

I don’t know that agree with you IO. I’m perfectly happy with my family and who I am as a person. The frustration for me, comes from others who either want:
- to yammer away for hours about the weather or equally inane topics
- gripe about dh/money or
- just want people just like them around.

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**I don’t fit that mold, therefore I am a self-proclaimed misfit. Basicly, I’m in search of other misfits! **

Successful socializing is like reading–it needs to be taught/learned. If you didn’t have a parent, older sibling, good friend, etc., who showed you the way, you may just have gotten off to a slow start. But it’s never too late and friendship is truly one of the blessings of life here on earth and should not be avoided or scorned.

There’s a big difference between socializing and making friendships. It is NOT the same thing, imo. I’d hazard a guess that most on this topic “socialize” just fine. I can converse with anyone about nearly anything and feel very comfortable in most groups. Once in a great while, there’s a “click” and a friendship is made, but the vast majority of the time - it’s just shoulder rubbing.

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I’ll hazard that most of us “misfits” do in fact have friends, but it is probably only 2 - 4, rather than a “circle”. Misfits have a tendency to be more selective in what they term a friendship, imho.

Second: Observe: Take note of the people who seem well-connected and have a wide circle of friends (as opposed to hanging onto just one or two friends). Adults with lots of friends usually have them for a reason.

I agree. But it usually has very little to do with genuine friendship. Being popular or having a wide circle often does not equal having lots of friends. I know people who think I’M the person with a wide circle of friends. The reality is I’m just a very active person who knows of other people, most of which I would not call friends. I’d say we are “friendly”, but not friends.

Third: Look for opportunities to put yourself into social settings. Find something you’re interested in doing and volunteer.

This I agree with. I do many things that I’m interested in and see who else shows up. At least that way it’s not a total waste as I am interested in what is going on to begin with and can participate in the related conversations.

Fourth: Take the initiative: Once you have met a few people, offer to host a meeting/work on a project at your home.

This is too formal and contrived for me.

Finally: Follow-up. If you have been invited somewhere, been helped by someone, know an acquaintance has something big in her life coming up–make a phone call to thank them, wish them well, offer to help them out, etc. Thoughfulness strengthens bonds to others.

This I agree with whole-heartedly! Don’t know that it has the makings of friendship, but it is certainly always a good christian practice and act of consideration.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

beckyann2597:

I want to bring up something else, and I don’t want to offend, but I sometimes purposely avoid people I meet because they are very needy or just a downer (complaining all the time). I am sure I have had my share of griping, but I try to be positive. I sometimes think I may be selfish, but I really don’t want to be friends with people who just make me feel bad. i want to be in an “upper” realtionship, where I feel better about myself after talking to a friend, and I feel like I have contributed to the other person’s live after I hung up the phone.

Actually, I think being of the same mind as you is what makes me a misfit in many situations. I go to some social thing and all I hear is gripes about men, kids, money, the Church, and on and on.

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I LOVE a lively discussion. I have no problem talking politics, family, religion, etc… but there’s a difference between an exchange of opinions/ideas vs a general gripe fest. One is fodder for conversation. The other makes me just want to go back home.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I don’t plan on limiting myself to friends at my children’s schools or our parish in the future. We will probably homeschool, but even then I don’t plan on our social circle being primarily or “only” homeschooling families. I tend to prefer having a variety of friends from different interests or aspects of my life. Of course, I don’t consider everyone a close friend–I have a handful of best friends, but plenty of others I consider to be good people I enjoy listening, learning and spending time with.

Have you ever heard the saying that having “different streams of income” is important? I think the same is with friends. If they ALL are from church, or ALL are from your child’s school, it can be very limiting or tedious if things get cliquey or political.

As a previous poster said, volunteering is always a quick and fun way to meet caring individuals who obviously take an interest in others outside of themselves. Pick something you’re passionate about or have a personal interest invested and you immediately have something in common with everyone.

For me, I love to read. I’ve joined several book club/discussion groups. I’ve met women of all ages at these little gatherings and several have been invaluable friends at different stages of my life.

Over the years I’ve joined church choirs, soccer and volleyball leagues, taken a pottery class (I’m hopeless), a creative writing class (met all sorts of interesting if not very intense individuals), joined various church groups or volunteer organizations, mentoring programs, gone on horseback trail-riding weekends (I grew up around horses so this wasn’t that much of a stretch), joined an Arts Alliance to appreciate a symphony season and taken various aerobics, spin or dance classes. I have met SO many people this way. Granted, this was in various cities and states as I moved about for school or jobs, so those friends aren’t immediately accessible to me anymore, but it is because of them that I have such a good network of phone and email friends and I know that after my baby is born I’m going to make an effort to find new friends in similar ways, perhaps more baby-related, here in this area. I’m fortunate in that where we live now is where I happened to grow up and some of my friends who are still in the area are around to spend time with…

Hubby and I struggle with finding COUPLE friends. We each have friends but we don’t have an abundance of couple friends, mainly because many of our friends aren’t married yet and/or even in a serious relationship.

We recently took a three part cooking class at a culinary arts program in our city, and it was very (somewhat surprisingly) fun. Not only was it interesting, but it was a class made up of other couples or groups of two and we all would go out in a group afterwards. I can’t do much socializing now on bedrest, but these people have been very friendly and we’ll see what happens in the future.

This summer my husband is determined for us to take salsa dance lessons, something I’m resisting a little (I’m not sure I’ll feel too salsa-y after just having had a baby but it might help!). One of my prenatal exercise videos had a salsa dance step section and he saw this, was greatly amused and decided it would be really fun to learn together. Hopefully we’ll meet other couples, too!

We’ve tried some of the organized Catholic young adult type stuff in our area, but found it wasn’t really our cup of tea so far. But for us, that’s okay as we’re willing to explore finding friends in other ways. It WOULD be nice to have Catholic couples near us who were/are just starting out and having their first baby, but we haven’t come across that yet. Most of my old friends are Catholic, so if they could just get married…

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Island Oak:

As a general rule snooty people make up a small percentage of the population and are the most insecure people in any room. To allow someone who is scared into small-mindedness to intimidate you from becoming more social is regretable.

I agree.

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I also think most snooty people are honestly ignorant of it and should be given a bit of consideration from others for a minute before being discarded.

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I have socialized with people who talk about poverty, large families, Catholics, blue-collar workers, illiterates, etc… in what I feel to be VERY snotty manners. I try to keep in mind that the vast majority of them are really very ignorant and certainly have no experience in the very subjects they are discussing. Sometimes they are interested to hear differring opinions. Most of the time, they just want to hear their own noise and not really discuss any issue. Many are a bit thrown to find they may have insulted me with comments they would not have voiced if they had known more about me first.

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There’s also some truth in the matter that people like to stick to their comfort zones. I know some really nice people that I will probably never become friends with because of that. They only have 1 or 2 kids and don’t feel comfortable around my crowd. They like to spend money like it’s water (and maybe they can even afford to do so) and we live as debt free as possible on a very tight salary.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Princess_Abby:

I tend to prefer having a variety of friends from different interests or aspects of my life. Of course, I don’t consider everyone a close friend–I have a handful of best friends, but plenty of others I consider to be good people I enjoy listening, learning and spending time with.

This is very much a picture of my view too. I am finding over the last few years though that my options are very restricted due to my own life. There’s only so many hours in a day/week, so between church and home schooling - my social opportunities are rather limited, especially when there is often an invisible “ladies with children in tow need not show” banner everywhere or it may entail an on-going expense to participate.

Hubby and I struggle with finding COUPLE friends.

Us too. Same reasons as above.

 

[netmilsmom]

Island Oak:

As a general rule snooty people make up a small percentage of the population and are the most insecure people in any room. To allow someone who is scared into small-mindedness to intimidate you from becoming more social is regretable.

You are very Blessed to have this thought in your reality. At any given moment we run into people who are not interested in a friendship with us. You can label those people any thing you want but changing your own behavior is not going to change their attitude.

That’s one of the reasons why I homeschool. The whole “Mean Girl” and “Alpha Female” roles are better handled with a more mature outlook, rather than by 6 year olds.

 

[netmilsmom]

Rob's Wife:
Ya know what I can’t stand the most. Going into a group of women who are into bashing hubbies (he comes home late, he doesn’t help out, he doesn’t listen when I complain) and those who LOVE ditching their kids.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don’t care how many “girlfriends” I have is because my hubby and my kids are my BEST friends. If I’m paying for a sitter (like I ever have) I would go out with my hubby, not for a “girl’s night out” to some coffee shop to pay 4 bucks for a cup of Joe. And actually, if I’m paying to go out, I would rather do something WITH my kids. I don’t care if you want to, but no one should be offended if I don’t.

I don’t have too many years before my blessings are off to college or Mommies themselves. I’m living it up now.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

Ya know what I can’t stand the most. Going into a group of women who are into bashing hubbies (he comes home late, he doesn’t help out, he doesn’t listen when I complain) and those who LOVE ditching their kids.

Amen! I don’t mind a ladies night out once in a while, but most of the women I know rarely spend more than 1 or 2 evenings a week with their families. Unfortunately their husbands have the same attitude.

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My dh and dc certainly aren’t perfect and I don’t mind the occassional “ARGH! you won’t believe what __ did!” kind of gripe. But the never-ending men are dogs and children are annoying to have around attitude drives me up the wall.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

That’s one of the reasons why I homeschool. The whole “Mean Girl” and “Alpha Female” roles are better handled with a more mature outlook, rather than by 6 year olds.

sigh It is an irony that women, imho, can be far more brutally cruel than men. Females can be vicious to each other. Don’t know that home schooling stops that though.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

Ya know what I can’t stand the most. Going into a group of women who are into bashing hubbies (he comes home late, he doesn’t help out, he doesn’t listen when I complain) and those who LOVE ditching their kids.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don’t care how many “girlfriends” I have is because my hubby and my kids are my BEST friends. If I’m paying for a sitter (like I ever have) I would go out with my hubby, not for a “girl’s night out” to some coffee shop to pay 4 bucks for a cup of Joe. And actually, if I’m paying to go out, I would rather do something WITH my kids. I don’t care if you want to, but no one should be offended if I don’t.

I don’t have too many years before my blessings are off to college or Mommies themselves. I’m living it up now.

I thank God that someone else said this. I thought I was the only one that loves to spend time with hubby. When we get a babysitter, it is so WE can go out. Forget the girls night out, we want an evening to ourselves. If I need to go somewhere, Daddy takes care of the little ones. The only other person we will let watch our little ones is Grandma and Grandpa. It is funny, when they spend the night with the grandparents, we are up first thing the next morning watching the clock until it is time to go pick them up. Who needs ladies night when your husband is your best friend!!! We do the grocery shopping together, he calls me on lunch breaks and he is always home on time. If he is going to be late, he calls. The complaints that a lot of women have are totally foreign to me and I just don’t think I could live like that…Of course, maybe that is why my husband and I just don’t seem to fit in anywhere. We actually like each other and want to be together which is taboo in today’s culture.

 

[beckyann2597]

I actually really like ladies night. I live in a town without any family and I never get a break from the kids. My husband works long hours and has added responcibilities at church, so we mostly stay in and get a movie on Pay Per View or watch a show on TV together if not just hanging out with the kids. I don’t even get to go to the grocery store without the kids because my husband gets home so late I want to spend time with him when he is there. So if I can have dinner once every two months without a child with me at a restaurant, it is a HUGE deal.

I get to drive to the restaurant…alone.

I can sit and eat a meal uninterupted.

Having adult conversation, even if it is about whats on sale this week.

I can understand not being jazzed about going out with some groups of ladies. I mentioned my cousin in the post above who would call drunk, she loved to go out to, but always seemed more concerned about how drunk she could get and how wild and crazy she could get. My group of friends are all moms who are more concerned about our social time than partying it up.

 

[Lillith]

My biggest pet peeve about women “talk”…constantly bragging on your children. It is really a bore. If I ever happen to get the time away from my family to hang with girlfriends, I don’t want to hear about your children’s soccer team…math scores…above avg. intelligence…

It is boring because I know there is no truth to it…My children are the best

When couples get together…I almost always end up right beside my husband because the men’s conversation is always so much more interesting…

 

[netmilsmom]

ConcernCatholic:

I thank God that someone else said this. I thought I was the only one that loves to spend time with hubby. When we get a babysitter, it is so WE can go out. Forget the girls night out, we want an evening to ourselves. If I need to go somewhere, Daddy takes care of the little ones. The only other person we will let watch our little ones is Grandma and Grandpa. It is funny, when they spend the night with the grandparents, we are up first thing the next morning watching the clock until it is time to go pick them up. Who needs ladies night when your husband is your best friend!!! We do the grocery shopping together, he calls me on lunch breaks and he is always home on time. If he is going to be late, he calls. The complaints that a lot of women have are totally foreign to me and I just don’t think I could live like that…Of course, maybe that is why my husband and I just don’t seem to fit in anywhere. We actually like each other and want to be together which is taboo in today’s culture.

That is so the truth.

It would be nice to have a couple or two to camp with but all in all, we love each other, he is a geek and I love him that way. I can be a b!tch and he tempers that. Our girls are healthy and happy. When women tell me that I was just lucky enough to marry the right man, I tell them that ‘I’ make him the right man. He has no duties but mowing the lawn with a riding mower. (and we live in MI so that’s only 6 months out of the year) I cook, I wash, I weedwack, I trim hedges, make him lunch and coffee every morning etc. Why should he? He brings in the money. You would not believe the looks I get from some women when I say this.

One of the great things about homeschooling is the moms who feel that their kids are worth more than any day at the spa or night at the bar could be. And the nice part of being a Christian homeschooler is that Mom don’t mind letting hubby be the head of the house.

 

[ProudArmyWife]

As a military family, we have moved several times. The worst “fitting in” move happened when we were “living on the economy” far away from any military post/base. It seemed as if everyone was too busy or unwilling to make a new friend - as if their lives were perfectly set and another person entering it would disrupt it. We filled out our newcomer paperwork with the church and volunteered for committees (Habitat for Humanity, Food Bank, etc.) - never were we ever called to help (I know they got the paper because we received the Church information via mail). Perhaps this is why I am now always one of the first people to welcome newcomers to the neighborhood. Maybe you could get onto a welcoming committee, too. This way you can make some new friends that are also newer to the community and may not have any connections yet - thus not “fit in” to any crowd yet.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

I don’t have any Catholic friends and my kids are grown, and now that I am divorced, boy, is it interesting. I have noticed that Catholics keep to themselves much more so than those of other denominations. If you want good food and friends, go to a Pentecostal gathering. The Methodists are friendly and good cooks too. The Mennonites are building a church down the road and my neighbor and I are planning to go visit and take some cookies. Bible churches are also very friendly. Attended one where the pastor invited us to lunch at his home, and at other times, we all went out to eat together.

This forum has been a lifesaver for me. I also volunteer at the local hospital on weekends and holidays and I told them if they didn’t put me to work, I’d have to go to Las Vegas and party with the heathens. They assured me that there were plenty of heathens for me to hang out with there at the hospital.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

When women tell me that I was just lucky enough to marry the right man, I tell them that ‘I’ make him the right man.

:yup: Very true. I love my dh because he is my dh. He also happens to be an awesome man, but even if he wasn’t - I’d love him still. I consider it a blessing to be married to a man who feels/acts the same way towards his wife.

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He has no duties but mowing the lawn with a riding mower. (and we live in MI so that’s only 6 months out of the year) I cook, I wash, I weedwack, I trim hedges, make him lunch and coffee every morning etc. Why should he? He brings in the money. You would not believe the looks I get from some women when I say this.

:ehh: Yeahhhh… where’s the smiley with that look?? But hey, if your marriage is happy that way, that’s your business.

One of the great things about homeschooling is the moms who feel that their kids are worth more than any day at the spa or night at the bar could be.

Well, I’ll agree home school moms usually aren’t bar-hopping kind of gals, but most are just as busy out of the home as any other mom. Although, it usually has to do with family activities. (soccer games, etc…)

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And the nice part of being a Christian homeschooler is that Mom don’t mind letting hubby be the head of the house

I don’t agree there. I know many a good christian home school mom/wife who would not agree with your view of “hubby being head of the house”. For that matter, I know many a good christian home school father/husband who wouldn’t agree with it either.
.

 

[Island_Oak]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

…One of the great things about homeschooling is the moms who feel that their kids are worth more than any day at the spa or night at the bar could be…

Kids and girlfriends aren’t mutually exclusive–it’s possible to have both. It also isn’t a competition, and we certainly don’t want to give “snooty” a run for its money against “holier than thou.” I treasure my girlfriends and our time together. There are unique aspects to my female friendships that simply can’t be replicated with a man–just like good girlfriends can’t make up for gaps in a weak marriage. It doesn’t make my husband less of a “friend” if I have solid female friendships in my life. Similarly–my husband has always had male friends with whom he pursues his “guy things” (hunting, golf, fly fishing, sporting events) that I just don’t share an interest in.

Let’s also avoid the temptation to paint everyone with the same brush or assume that everyone who cultivates good relationships with their girlfriends (which does require investing some time) or who is fortunate enough to afford a spa visit/evening out/girls’ weekend is busy bashing their husbands and/or abandoning their kids with glee.

 

[netmilsmom]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

              *...One of the great things about homeschooling is the moms who feel that their kids are worth more than any day at the spa or night at the bar could be...

Island Oak:

Kids and girlfriends aren’t mutually exclusive–it’s possible to have both. It also isn’t a competition, and we certainly don’t want to give “snooty” a run for its money against “holier than thou.” I treasure my girlfriends and our time together. There are unique aspects to my female friendships that simply can’t be replicated with a man–just like good girlfriends can’t make up for gaps in a weak marriage. It doesn’t make my husband less of a “friend” if I have solid female friendships in my life. Similarly–my husband has always had male friends with whom he pursues his “guy things” (hunting, golf, fly fishing, sporting events) that I just don’t share an interest in.

Let’s also avoid the temptation to paint everyone with the same brush or assume that everyone who cultivates good relationships with their girlfriends (which does require investing some time) or who is fortunate enough to afford a spa visit/evening out/girls’ weekend is busy bashing their husbands and/or abandoning their kids with glee.

Whoa, I was speaking from my own experience. This is what I have run into, you apparently have different experiences than I have as we can see by our earlier responses.

I always say that if you don’t see your name, there is no need to personalize my post. If you look at what I wrote I said that I don’t care what YOU do but please don’t have a problem because I don’t want to do it.

I don’t remember saying that I don’t like nor that I do not have any female friends. I just don’t want to get together with the women in my area who would be perfectly happy to have their husbands drop off a paycheck and watch the kids while they go to a bar or day spa as often as possible. This is my experience. I’m truly happy for you that your experience is different, but mine is not.

 

[Island_Oak]

netmil(name removed by moderator):

I always say that if you don’t see your name, there is no need to personalize my post.

I was responding to comments in several of the preceeding posts (just don’t know how to quote them all in 1 post). I don’t know where “SSC&M” is, but I’m sorry it hasn’t been a great fit for you.