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wacky_wonderful
Guest
Have you lived anywhere else? I’m not a native Texan, I’m a California Girl and boy, is there a diffference! If the ground would just quit shaking, I’d still be there! Someday, I will go back.
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sarcophagus
Guest
Though I’m not a parent, I know what this is like. I was born with the curse of being a misfit, but a brash-stubborn-in-your-face misfit. I usually have less then the requisite amount of tact needed to make life-long friends. I guess you could call me a recluse-by-choice. Just reading these posts makes me cringe that people treat other people like misfits with no explanation as to why. It’s like they are leading you on “Maybe you’ll be in the “cool” crowd, but not today”.
My advice, keep on doing what your doing, but stop caring whether they want to socialize afterward. Like someone else said, their are others like you but they don’t speak up, you have to find them.
My advice, keep on doing what your doing, but stop caring whether they want to socialize afterward. Like someone else said, their are others like you but they don’t speak up, you have to find them.
J
jc-servant
Guest
I know that you said you are active, but some programs foster more personal relationships than others. Does your parish have Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) or Renew or a structured Bible study group or some other type of program that would put you randomly into a group of other people that you then get to know during the program? I’m what my mother calls a “joiner” because I used to be painfully shy. I decided that I could either be nervous and alone at home or nervous and getting out there doing things. I always meet at least one or two people who I want to know better when I join a new group.
CRHP is a program that takes a group of up to 36 women or men (separately) for spiritual formation. It is neat because the women (or men) are at all different ages and levels of spirituality. It starts with a retreat at your parish and then goes into 6 months of weekly formation meetings. The team that finishes formation then hosts the next retreat and passes the torch. They then use the gifts that they’ve discerned to help their parish.
You learn about yourself and your “sisters” through the process and develop a strong support network within your parish. We have had this at our parish for over 10 years and it has helped to revitalize the parish overall. Even though some people think the CRHP teams become little cliques, it should not happen. We can look around our parish and most of the leaders and active people in our ministries came through CRHP. They are definitely open and involved with people who have not been through CRHP but some teams choose to maintain strong ties with their whole team over the years by participating in some activities as a group. For instance we had teams that sponsored families from the hurricane by providing everything that charities did not from toliet paper to school supplies in a really fast response.
I have not participated in Renew but I’ve heard about it from another parish. This program helps people to get to know small groups within the larger parish in a different way than CRHP.
I pray that you find your place in your parish and that the other people there become more open to new parishioners.
CRHP is a program that takes a group of up to 36 women or men (separately) for spiritual formation. It is neat because the women (or men) are at all different ages and levels of spirituality. It starts with a retreat at your parish and then goes into 6 months of weekly formation meetings. The team that finishes formation then hosts the next retreat and passes the torch. They then use the gifts that they’ve discerned to help their parish.
You learn about yourself and your “sisters” through the process and develop a strong support network within your parish. We have had this at our parish for over 10 years and it has helped to revitalize the parish overall. Even though some people think the CRHP teams become little cliques, it should not happen. We can look around our parish and most of the leaders and active people in our ministries came through CRHP. They are definitely open and involved with people who have not been through CRHP but some teams choose to maintain strong ties with their whole team over the years by participating in some activities as a group. For instance we had teams that sponsored families from the hurricane by providing everything that charities did not from toliet paper to school supplies in a really fast response.
I have not participated in Renew but I’ve heard about it from another parish. This program helps people to get to know small groups within the larger parish in a different way than CRHP.
I pray that you find your place in your parish and that the other people there become more open to new parishioners.
W
wacky_wonderful
Guest
I remember a neighbor who discovered that when she was in new group situation that it worked better if she just stood confidently off to the side and let people come to her rather than her going and trying to find a place among them. She told me she walked in as if she owned the place (with attitude) and that made people curious. I’ve never tried that technique. Might work!
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netmilsmom
Guest
Little Mary:
I run from people who state that they sell something. Even if they are not selling now, I just wait for the other shoe to drop.
How about if you put something in the bulletin about a mom’s group? It sounds like you are active and people may know you that you don’t know.
Actually, I would rather not be noticed. I like being on the fringes. I did at one time work myself into the clique at church. Soon I found that they were pretty shallow. Why be with people who don’t want to be with you?
As I tell my eight year old, sometimes people like you, sometimes they don’t. Nothing you can do can make them like you. You always have your family and God by your side.
Maybe the problem is the Pampered Chef thing.Oh yes I believe in blooming where you’re planted.
I am a mortgage banker and I sell Pampered Chef on the side. I’m always giving out business cards and catalogs. I try not to do to much of that in my parish (church/school) b/c I don’t want to be labeled as that pushy salesman. I have held fundraisers for the school and added my commission to the amount of funds raised - pocketed no money. I have also donated $100’s of $$ in products to various raffles in attempts to raise money for the school. I’m quite active and they know they can call me for help (anybody want to buy a spaghetti dinner on Feb 12th? I’m cooking- or setting tables, or cutting cakes, or taking tickets, I don’t know yet b/c I’m not in the loop!). But it stops there. Help us, but don’t expect us to socialize with you.
I have also offered to start a welcome wagon of sorts for the school b/c I’ve considered that maybe other moms might feel as I do and I could welcome them in a manner that I was Not welcomed in. (mind you, I’ve had 3 years to think about these things). Anyway, it was shot down. You know, that don’t call us we’ll call you kind of tone.
It is nice to be able to vent here, on this thread, but, again, I don’t want to sound like the petty trouble maker. I’ve (mentally) moved on and am just going about my business. I wish things were different, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.
I run from people who state that they sell something. Even if they are not selling now, I just wait for the other shoe to drop.
How about if you put something in the bulletin about a mom’s group? It sounds like you are active and people may know you that you don’t know.
Actually, I would rather not be noticed. I like being on the fringes. I did at one time work myself into the clique at church. Soon I found that they were pretty shallow. Why be with people who don’t want to be with you?
As I tell my eight year old, sometimes people like you, sometimes they don’t. Nothing you can do can make them like you. You always have your family and God by your side.
L
Lillith
Guest
I am kind of going through the same experience. My H and I moved to his hometown…very very small…everyone has their cliques that were formed and sealed way back in high school… They are mostly protestant Democrats, and I am a Catholic Republican… I definately do not fit in. The Church I attend is extremely small…and there are no outside activities where moms get together.
It doesn’t help much that I do not work in the community (SAHM)…
I have been able to make warm aquaintances, at my Hairdressers and through my children’s friends (I have met all their parents) but it hasn’t progressed past that…but I have learned to be grateful that someone waves at me in Wal-Mart…
I have decided to be happy despite it. God has placed me here for some reason…possibly to see how I deal with seclusion LOL…
It doesn’t help much that I do not work in the community (SAHM)…
I have been able to make warm aquaintances, at my Hairdressers and through my children’s friends (I have met all their parents) but it hasn’t progressed past that…but I have learned to be grateful that someone waves at me in Wal-Mart…
I have decided to be happy despite it. God has placed me here for some reason…possibly to see how I deal with seclusion LOL…
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netmilsmom
Guest
Oh and I also have to ask, have you lived elsewhere?
I had a big problem when I moved to MI. The MI women I know have two kinds of “friends”, sisters or nothing. If you act at all friendly to some MI women, in my experience, they are your sister (or Mother) and are stuck to you like glue. They must know everything about what you are doing. If you don’t want to be like this, then yes you can work for them but you are not included in the group. It is not just me, but I have talked to others from out of state and they find the same. One lady started her own homeschool group because of it.
Honestly, it creeped me out when I first moved here and friends would freak if I didn’t tell them that I was traveling back home for a few days, or they would ring my phone and if I didn’t pick up they would arrive at my door. One woman called me stupid to my face more than once and then was offended that I wanted nothing to do with her.
I was actually relieved to move to the area I am in now and find less clingy women.
I had a big problem when I moved to MI. The MI women I know have two kinds of “friends”, sisters or nothing. If you act at all friendly to some MI women, in my experience, they are your sister (or Mother) and are stuck to you like glue. They must know everything about what you are doing. If you don’t want to be like this, then yes you can work for them but you are not included in the group. It is not just me, but I have talked to others from out of state and they find the same. One lady started her own homeschool group because of it.
Honestly, it creeped me out when I first moved here and friends would freak if I didn’t tell them that I was traveling back home for a few days, or they would ring my phone and if I didn’t pick up they would arrive at my door. One woman called me stupid to my face more than once and then was offended that I wanted nothing to do with her.
I was actually relieved to move to the area I am in now and find less clingy women.
R
Rob_s_Wife
Guest
I understand you loud and clear!
**You think you’ve got it bad? Try being the square peg bringing 7.6 other square pegs with you. That round door slams shut so fast I’m lucky not to have a busted nose.
**
Yes, my volunteering has been turned down because I bring children with me.
Sometimes it’s money issues. They assume we can’t do anything just because we turn down the expensive stuff.
Sometimes it’s their view of marriage or motherhood. Sometimes I meet their expectations of what a Catholic mother of nearly 8 should be and sometimes I don’t. Interestingly enough, I bet they’d be horrified if I judged them as harshly.
Sometimes people are just stuck on themselves too much. I’m one of those weird people who actually rarely seeks out people like myself. I’m boring and know myself already! I like diversity. I don’t mind different parenting styles or economic, educational, or social levels. I find pretty much anything and everyone fasinating. I don’t mind different faiths or cultures as long as they can accept me - I can accept them. in fact, I can usually accept them whether they can return the favor or not.
I don’t know what to tell you as I haven’t found an answer myself. Just do what you can as you can and try to find contentment in your family life.
**You think you’ve got it bad? Try being the square peg bringing 7.6 other square pegs with you. That round door slams shut so fast I’m lucky not to have a busted nose.
**Yes, my volunteering has been turned down because I bring children with me.
Sometimes it’s money issues. They assume we can’t do anything just because we turn down the expensive stuff.
Sometimes it’s their view of marriage or motherhood. Sometimes I meet their expectations of what a Catholic mother of nearly 8 should be and sometimes I don’t. Interestingly enough, I bet they’d be horrified if I judged them as harshly.
Sometimes people are just stuck on themselves too much. I’m one of those weird people who actually rarely seeks out people like myself. I’m boring and know myself already! I like diversity. I don’t mind different parenting styles or economic, educational, or social levels. I find pretty much anything and everyone fasinating. I don’t mind different faiths or cultures as long as they can accept me - I can accept them. in fact, I can usually accept them whether they can return the favor or not.
I don’t know what to tell you as I haven’t found an answer myself. Just do what you can as you can and try to find contentment in your family life.
N
netmilsmom
Guest
God Bless you!
I remember back when I first moved here and my daughter waved bye-bye to Elmo on tv. He was her only friend.
I was in tears because we had no friends and family was so far away.
I like your attitude, God did put us all into situations. I have a great church with a wonderful Liturgy. Even if everyone stared at me and refused to say a word, Jesus is there for me.
K
kage_ar
Guest
Start a book club, supper/cooking club, poker/bridge game (I have no clue what Bunko is…) or a Bible study in your home. Have an announcment put in your Parish (and neighboring Parishes) bullitens. Find fellow women with like interests, that is what fosters real friendships!
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beckyann2597
Guest
When I first moved here I made myself business like card that had my name number and e-address, as well as the www.momsclub.org address on it (I am a member)t and when I met someone at the library or store I just gave them a card. Whether I was chatting about the MOMS Club or our kid’s school I had my number for them. I mentioned this recently at a Mommy meeting at my church and I got two responces. One friend siad it was a great idea and another siad if she got a card like that she would NEVER call. I guess I am a bit too outgoing for some people. I am sorry I don’t have any good advice for you…just hang in there!–Rebecca
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Giannawannabe
Guest
netmil(name removed by moderator):
Sorry. Just had to jump in here and ask about this, because I have noticed it myself.
Wow!! Is this true? Have others found MI women to be like this? I’m a native Michigander, and am somewhat of a homebody and like my “alone” time. I don’t like to be cliquey. I know a lot of moms that can’t even go shopping by themselves. I LOVE going out by myself—I wouldn’t dream of asking someone to go shopping with me!!!
Sorry. Just had to jump in here and ask about this, because I have noticed it myself.
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leaner
Guest
I tend to be a bit of a loner too – I prefer to go alone, esp with little kids b/c then I can just ditch if need be, without having to explain to anyone – it also makes the “threat” part of “quit hitting, or we’re going home” part easier, b/c I know I can follow thru, and I won’t care (like I would if there were a bunch of moms I was having a nice time with, kwim?)
And when I have the chance to shop – I want to be LEFT ALONE! LOL. I hardly even want my mom to come with me…he he.
I think b/c of that, sometimes I miss out on the “gals” kind of environment – which, as any of you military types know, can be AWFUL, or wonderful – all depends on who’s “in charge” – our gang in england was WONDERFUL and I think about one or more of them often – there were about 12 of us (awesome bunco! no one ever missed – and when I miscarried, they took me out as soon as I was well to have a crazy night out at the pubs…) – here, the local playgroup was a bunch of snotty women who saw fit to live well outside their means, then do NOTHING but complain about it…lol. All driving brand new SUVs or $40K minivans, and then moaning and complaining (you know the word I’m not typign, right?) they had to shop at walmart…sigh LOL – it’s always something. I suppose my penchant for hanging with myself stems from that thought that you never know what the next group might be like, so you have to know you like yourself enough to be alone for a few years…lol
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netmilsmom
Guest
That must be why we get along!
Truly, the lady from the homeschool group is from KY. She had a problem with women who DEMANDED her attendance at certain things. She is very open and loves to be with people but that demand was wearing on her. We did an outing to Selfridge and it seemed that many of us were from out of state. We were all amazed that we knew some people up here made us squirm, but we just couldn’t put our fingers on it. Once we all got talking, it dawned on us.
The other thing I see is the general sadness or gloom of the people on the street. No smiles or nods to strangers. (although that could just be my area, lots of $$$$ here) I think that this may be connected to the smothering of out-of-state people. My hubby told me that because I smile all the time, people think I am looking for a friend. When I first moved into this neighborhood, the woman across the street was a smotherer. Once our kids got a little older, she found more people to meet her needs and suddenly we were not needed anymore. Actually, THAT was creepy.
You know me, I’m not pretty, personality plus or dripping with charm. I really don’t have a lot to offer so I have just learned to be friendly and not too close. That’s worked out great.
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beckyann2597
Guest
Just thinking of the selling stuff angle that someone else mentioned. Avon is good because it usually doesn’t include pressure sales like tupperware, partylite candles, and pampered chef sometimes do. I hate it when I feel pressured into buying something. Another product I like and have considered buying is cookie lee jewelry. My sister sold it for a while and made lots of friends. She would just be out shopping and someone would ask where she got those earrings or bracelet or necklace or whatever and she would say Oh I sell them. Would you like a catalog. She would go onto to tell them that she didn’t like pressure sales and sold it mostly because she liked the stuff. She would have appetizer or dessert parties at her house to show her product once a month. It sold product, but was mostly an excuse to have a get together. I think that after this baby I may start selling it. I love sparkly stuff!
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netmilsmom
Guest
That’s a GREAT idea!
When I first got here, if someone had been so kind as to hand me something tangable like that, I would have called!
I
Island_Oak
Guest
Note to all self-described misfits: do NOT follow the advice above. No offense Sarc, but there may just be a reason you and others here are feeling out of place–and it may not be the fault of anyone else, cliques, snobs, etc. Not one “misfit” here sounds happy about their situation–so why not fix it instead of digging in your heels or resigning yourself to loneliness.
Successful socializing is like reading–it needs to be taught/learned. If you didn’t have a parent, older sibling, good friend, etc., who showed you the way, you may just have gotten off to a slow start. But it’s never too late and friendship is truly one of the blessings of life here on earth and should not be avoided or scorned.
Developing a circle of friends often entails moving outside your comfort zone–especially if your comfort zone is solitude–trying new activities and opening yourself up to really get to know the people around you instead of assuming/labeling/pre-judging them to be a certain way. Once you get to know them better, you may just like them. Or you may find they aren’t your cup of tea–in which case you are always free to move on.
There are a few things that have reliably worked for me throughout several moves. First: get your own act together. Before you head out and about–dropping your kids off at school, running errands, attending mass, a school meeting, etc…shower, get dressed (in clothes, not wrinkled sweats) brush your hair. Make yourself approachable–not looking like something that just rolled out of a hut in the woods. Make reasonable efforts to follow local norms of dress–avoid pitfalls of over-dressing, dressing provocatively or looking like a slob.
Second: Observe: Take note of the people who seem well-connected and have a wide circle of friends (as opposed to hanging onto just one or two friends). Adults with lots of friends usually have them for a reason. Make an effort to meet these people–they can become a wonderful resource. Use your status as a newcomer to your advantage by asking questions of others to become better informed and to help get acquainted.
Third: Look for opportunities to put yourself into social settings. Find something you’re interested in doing and volunteer. It will bring you into contact with other people. Be responsible and timely in doing what you take on–whether at work, your kids’ school, parish, etc. Make it a goal to introduce yourself to at least (2) others when you are in a new setting. Exchange even a few sentences of conversation and try and establish a connection (hobby, same-age kids, hometown, job/profession, etc.). Remember their name, a detail or two about them and greet them by name when you encounter them again.
Fourth: Take the initiative: Once you have met a few people, offer to host a meeting/work on a project at your home. When you are the hostess–everyone has to interact with you at some point. If you start getting to know one or two people–and would like to know them even better–follow up with and invitation to meet you for a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, lunch, etc. Share or expand an interest you have with someone else: i.e. if you meet someone who shares your passion for gardening–invite them to come with you to the local nursery to recommend some spring plants; an art lover might enjoy an afternoon at the opening of a new exhibit/gallery in town; etc…
Finally: Follow-up. If you have been invited somewhere, been helped by someone, know an acquaintance has something big in her life coming up–make a phone call to thank them, wish them well, offer to help them out, etc. Thoughfulness strengthens bonds to others. You should be able to tell after a few interactions whether you have a connection with someone. Women tend to be much slower about opeing up to new friendships than men–and it can take months-years to really establish a close friendship. Be patient–with yourself and others–but get in the game!
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beckyann2597
Guest
Island oak has some good advice.
I want to bring up something else, and I don’t want to offend, but I sometimes purposely avoid people I meet because they are very needy or just a downer (complaining all the time). I am sure I have had my share of griping, but I try to be positive. I sometimes think I may be selfish, but I really don’t want to be friends with people who just make me feel bad. i want to be in an “upper” realtionship, where I feel better about myself after talking to a friend, and I feel like I have contributed to the other person’s live after I hung up the phone.
I even got got caller ID to avoid one relative who was a downer. She would call me drunk, complaining about her life for an hour and I couldn’t get a word in. I finally decided my life was too short and if it was important she could leave a message.
Back to my point, I wonder if some people who say of themelves that they are misfits, Do you actually suffer from a depression that keeps you from socializing well with other people? Its worth a thought.
Like I siad, I didn’t mean to offend any one, but I think it may be a valid point.
I want to bring up something else, and I don’t want to offend, but I sometimes purposely avoid people I meet because they are very needy or just a downer (complaining all the time). I am sure I have had my share of griping, but I try to be positive. I sometimes think I may be selfish, but I really don’t want to be friends with people who just make me feel bad. i want to be in an “upper” realtionship, where I feel better about myself after talking to a friend, and I feel like I have contributed to the other person’s live after I hung up the phone.
I even got got caller ID to avoid one relative who was a downer. She would call me drunk, complaining about her life for an hour and I couldn’t get a word in. I finally decided my life was too short and if it was important she could leave a message.
Back to my point, I wonder if some people who say of themelves that they are misfits, Do you actually suffer from a depression that keeps you from socializing well with other people? Its worth a thought.
Like I siad, I didn’t mean to offend any one, but I think it may be a valid point.
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netmilsmom
Guest
Island Oak:
I agree that just stating that you WON’T fit in is it’s own curse, but what most of the people are talking about here is snoody people and no amount change on your part is going to make them any different.
I don’t know IO, some of this sounds like the trainers that come to big corporations to get all the workers on the same page. Much of what you said sounds really good and I’m glad it worked for you, but friendship goes both ways and if the people around you are not open to it, none of the above will work to get you good friendships.
I agree that just stating that you WON’T fit in is it’s own curse, but what most of the people are talking about here is snoody people and no amount change on your part is going to make them any different.
L
Little_Mary
Guest
Just FYI about the Pampered Chef stuff - no high pressure sales from me! I’m too shy about that. The only thing I’ve ever done is donate stuff for fundraising efforts, including but not limited to my commission.
I’ve made efforts to start a Pokeno group with no interest. I’ve tried to set up lunches and happy hours. No interest.
I think I know how to socialize. I have tons of friends. Just none where I live right now. Not yet anyway.
I’ve made efforts to start a Pokeno group with no interest. I’ve tried to set up lunches and happy hours. No interest.
I think I know how to socialize. I have tons of friends. Just none where I live right now. Not yet anyway.
- Status