Mortal sin, RCIA, no confessor, losing my mind

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I really appreciate all the time you all took to advise me. Thank you, each and every one.

The problem is, though, that I don’t have a priest- none of them at any parish nearby here are willing to help- and I can’t go to Confession again. They are all telling me to wait until April.

The thought was something I didn’t truly want; but I did willingly think it for a couple seconds, and had a physical response to it before I could fully, consciously realize what had happened and make it stop. That’s why I fear it could be mortal. I’m already familiar with the distinction outlined in the Catechism.

I’ve already been diagnosed and treated for OCD. I have had it since I was at least three years old. It, and scrupulosity, are nothing new to me. I was scrupulous as an Episcopalian, too. It’s just getting worse with Catholicism. 😦

I already pray the Rosary daily, and the Confiteor, and the Act of Contrition- and I fear it’s still not enough. I am still in acute danger of suddenly ending up in Hell. Because of my fear of Hell, I cannot capably make a perfect Act of Contrition, even if I wanted to.

I cannot physically tolerate serotonin medications. I have grave reasons for not using those, and they are strictly neurological, not faith-based.

The real problem is the fact that I’ll be forced to risk a state of mortal sin until April 7. Every waking moment of the next four months will be filled with terror over dying unexpectedly. Every twinge, ache and pain…every random heart palpitation…every drive to work in winter road condtions…four months of pure terror for my soul.

It’s not as easy as just “being patient”, “stop[ping] worrying about it”, or finding myself a kindly priest, when none of them will see me.

And, I only wish I could get received into the Church before the Easter Vigil- but they won’t allow it.

April is a long, long way off. 😦
 
Let me say that this is just entirely my own opinion and may well be wrong. However, putting myself in your shoes, I would go to a Church at confession time, get in line, and confess both the sins you think you committed and the “disobedience” to the instruction that you should wait to confess. I highly doubt that the priest would turn you away without absolution.
 
Hey there. G, all these answers are good ones. May I suggest a novena to St. Dymphna? She is the patroness of mental and nervous disorders and has been the mediator of outright cures.

I would add also, that you are only culpable for what you have control of. The church teaches that if baptisom is desired, but death prevents it, the baptism is one of desire and is valid. Our lord will not hold you accountable for failing to go to confession when 1) you strongly desire it, and 2) The priest is refusing you.

I believe the priest is refusing you because you have not done anything serious. Your reaction and thoughts were not a voluntary action. You did not seek the picture and you did not try to spend time drooling over it. Even if you did, my previous paragraph holds true.

Also, your fear that this imagined sin has cut you off from God is wrong. Only our desire to separate cuts us off. That is when we willingly sin and refuse to repent of it. You did not sin and you definitely are willing to be in union with Him. Be not afraid. He never ceases to love you and is constantly willing to take you back. I know you will continue to worry, but please remember that your desire to align yourself with God and your desire to serve him wholly is enough for now. If you actually needed a confession and were refused by the priest, it is the priest that is at fault and your contrition and desire for reconciliation would suffice. If you do not believe me, then use the “ask an apologist” forum and get an OFFICIAL answer.

You are in my prayers. I have friends and family in your shoes.
 
I totally understand your feelings. I think though that you should consider that God knows your heart. You are going through RCIA and following the instructions and path that was giving too you by the Church. God knows that you are sincere and desire strongly to live in a state of grace with him.

Just like the theif on the cross was baptized by his desire for such. I think you can rest in the same assurances. You are appraching your conversion with honor and I think the Lord will recognize it as such.
 
Jesus understands your situation regarding OCD …rest assured that is true. When you finally become a confirmed Catholic, you can confess your sin to a priest as you desire. In the meantime, confess your sin daily to God. If you are sorry and repent, He will forgive you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
 
Giovanna said:
… I’ve already been diagnosed and treated for OCD. I have had it since I was at least three years old. It, and scrupulosity, are nothing new to me. I was scrupulous as an Episcopalian, too. It’s just getting worse with Catholicism. 😦
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I recommend that you write these words of St. Athanasius down, and obsess over them instead. Prayerfully reflect upon them in the morning, at noon, and in the evening.

St. Athanasius: "***when someone falls from the Spirit through any wickedness—that grace indeed remains irrevocably with those *who are willing to repent after such a fall." (Discourses Against the Arians, 3, 24-25, ca. AD 358 )

If St. Athanasius is correct (and I believe he is), then you can take comfort and have trust in the Lord.
 
Oh Giavanna, You don’t realize how close God is to you and you to Him. I’m am so certain of this. I have been where you are right now. I had not gone to confession in 25 years, through the words of a priest, the Holy Spirit reached out to me and took me by the hand and led me directly to Christ. I went into that confessional and spent one whole hour there with my confessor. You don’t think that you won’t have trials and misgivings after confession? You have been blessed by God, He called you and you listened, you knocked and it was opened, Praise God!!! The devil is po’d, he lost another one to Christ, the Shepards flock increases while his decreases, be strong, be vigilant, take the advice of the people here and find out what a mortal sin is. Have you ever read" Footprints in the sand"?
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. The sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; his and the Lords.
After the last scene flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints, noticing that at the most difficult times in his life there was only one set of footprints.
Lord, you said you’d walk with me all the way if I followed you. But during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. Why did you leave me when I needed you most?
The Lord replied,"My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. In your times of TRIALS AND SUFFERINGS, when you see only one set of footprints, that was when I carried you.
Oh how simple to say this but yet it is this simple, get to an Adoration chapel, kneel before the real presence of our Lord, you’ll get an answer, I promise.
 
I struggle with scupulocity myself, and my suggestion is to go to this website and read the 10 commandments for the scrupulous person. Bookmark the page; print it out if you want. Refer to it as often as necessary. Also read through the archived newsletters - they are a source of tremendous infomation and comfort.

mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity.htm
 
Giovanna said:
I really appreciate all the time you all took to advise me. Thank you, each and every one.

The problem is, though, that I don’t have a priest- none of them at any parish nearby here are willing to help- and I can’t go to Confession again. They are all telling me to wait until April.

The thought was something I didn’t truly want; but I did willingly think it for a couple seconds, and had a physical response to it before I could fully, consciously realize what had happened and make it stop. That’s why I fear it could be mortal. I’m already familiar with the distinction outlined in the Catechism.

I’ve already been diagnosed and treated for OCD. I have had it since I was at least three years old. It, and scrupulosity, are nothing new to me. I was scrupulous as an Episcopalian, too. It’s just getting worse with Catholicism. 😦

I already pray the Rosary daily, and the Confiteor, and the Act of Contrition- and I fear it’s still not enough. I am still in acute danger of suddenly ending up in Hell. Because of my fear of Hell, I cannot capably make a perfect Act of Contrition, even if I wanted to.

I cannot physically tolerate serotonin medications. I have grave reasons for not using those, and they are strictly neurological, not faith-based.

The real problem is the fact that I’ll be forced to risk a state of mortal sin until April 7. Every waking moment of the next four months will be filled with terror over dying unexpectedly. Every twinge, ache and pain…every random heart palpitation…every drive to work in winter road condtions…four months of pure terror for my soul.

It’s not as easy as just “being patient”, “stop[ping] worrying about it”, or finding myself a kindly priest, when none of them will see me.

And, I only wish I could get received into the Church before the Easter Vigil- but they won’t allow it.

April is a long, long way off. 😦
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😦 I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I remember that I was afraid to die without first having the opportunity to go to confession, when I was converting. It was a long few years before I finally was able to go to confession. And at times, I struggle with scrupulosity, since my Catholic conscience is still in its early stages. I’m sorry to hear that you’re so frightened. 😦
I do have some ideas, which may or may not prove helpful. First of all, have you talked to your counselor about your fear of sudden death? I understand that you can’t go on medications, but according to my understanding, Cognitive-Behavioral therapy can be very helpful with OCD.

How about your priest? I doubt you’re the first person with scrupulosity that the priest has ever seen in his life, so there’s no reason to be ashamed. Even if he won’t hear your confession right now, he can still give you advice. I would advise talking to him about your struggles.

Actually, from what I understand, the spiritual director of a person with scrupulosity will actually tell a person when they can confess, and forbid them from seeing another confessor or from approaching them for confession before their appointed time. So actually, the barring of confession before April 7th is not that unusual for a person with scrupulosity.

I do want to assure you. You have been given a great grace in converting to Catholicism. God is clearly working in your life and in your soul. He is reaching out to you and calling you to Himself. I cannot believe that God would give you this grace only to kill you off before you can go to confession!

Also, with regards to your incident with MySpace, if you thought about it for a few seconds before you could fully realize what was happening, then I do not think that this is a mortal sin.

I do have another suggestion. In addition to the Daily Rosary, as well as the Act of Contrition and the Confiteor, I think it would be good for you to spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament. (It’s alwasy a good idea.) Even if you can’t find a church where it’s exposed every week, go and sit before the Tabernacle. Also, while you’re there, spend the majority of your time praising God for His goodness and mercy, and for the Redemptive work of Our Savior, and thank God for all the graces that he has given you. Try to find prayers that focus on thanking God for the forgiveness of sins, and pray those every day. (As we pray, so we believe.) I can look for them as well if you like. If nothing else, simply pray every day, “Jesus, I love You, and I believe that You love me.”

Remember, “We should fear God out of love, not love God out of fear.” St. Francis de Sales.
 
Hey guys,

I am not Catholic but doesn’t your church teach that the desire for the sacrament suffices for the actual sacrament.

Trent I think made this dogma did it not?

It would seem that the OP should trust in God’s grace and relax.

Is that decent advice?
 
Reformed1 said:
Hey guys,

I am not Catholic but doesn’t your church teach that the desire for the sacrament suffices for the actual sacrament.

Trent I think made this dogma did it not?

It would seem that the OP should trust in God’s grace and relax.

Is that decent advice?
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:blessyou: :amen:
 
I know we disagree on a fair amount of things but we probably all agree that God’s grace is where it’s at.
 
Reformed1 said:
I know we disagree on a fair amount of things but we probably all agree that God’s grace is where it’s at.
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Without a doubt! (Well, maybe that is the wrong word, when we are dealing with scupulocity 🙂 ).
 
Reformed1 said:
I know we disagree on a fair amount of things but we probably all agree that God’s grace is where it’s at.
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. . . and his Love and his Mercy and his Providence and his gentle compassion for the troubled in spirit.
 
Hey, I know I’m getting off the subject for just a minute, but Reformed1, are you Reformed as in Christian Reformed, American Reformed, Dutch Reformed, or Netherlands Reformed? I have a question for you if you are. TX.
 
mercygate said:
. . . and his Love and his Mercy and his Providence and his gentle compassion for the troubled in spirit.
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Yup…and our OP seems troubled in spirit. I don’t know if you guys sing this hymn during your mass but if any of you have heard “Amazing Grace”, it’s a wonderful song and very true. None of us are going to get very far without God’s gracious love.
 
mommyof4 said:
Hey, I know I’m getting off the subject for just a minute, but Reformed1, are you Reformed as in Christian Reformed, American Reformed, Dutch Reformed, or Netherlands Reformed? I have a question for you if you are. TX.
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I am part of the Presbyterian Church (PCA), a staunch Calvinist and proud father of two.
 
Reformed1 said:
Yup…and our OP seems troubled in spirit. I don’t know if you guys sing this hymn during your mass but if any of you have heard “Amazing Grace”, it’s a wonderful song and very true. None of us are going to get very far without God’s gracious love.
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Amazing Grace is in a lot of our hymnals but some Catholics are cranky about it because of the words “the hour I first believed” – as if those words can refer only to a fundamentalist Protestant born-again experience. To my mind, anybody, including a cradle Catholic, can have a lightbulb experience in which he first UNDERSTANDS the magnitude of the grace in which he has walked all of his life, and the experience is very much like “the hour I first believed.”

Frankly, I don’t much like that hymn but not because of its theology, rather because those folky down-homey tunes just ain’t my kind of soul music. Gimme Gregorian any time!

Anyway, OP: seize the grace and lose the angst. Christ’s love is bigger than your anxiety, bigger than your OCD, and bigger than your sin.
 
Ok, quick question. I promise not bug you too much on this topic, either. Am I correct in my understanding that Calvinists believe that only the “elect” go to heaven? How do you know if you are one of the “elect,” or can you ever know? Do you have fears that you may not be a member of the elect? Do you youself or anyone you know have fears of not being a member of the elect? I’m just wondering if scrupulocity, and the fear of not being saved is something unique to Catholocism, or if other religions have this problem of scupulocity as well.

Thank you.🙂
 
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