Most priests know far more about marriage than most married people do

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I believe the very married Catholic priests we have, have a far more difficult task than an unmarried priest, which is already on the level requiring heroism.

It’s not wise to overburden them.
 
I suspect if you’re honest and I asked you’d agree that that number is less than 3 or 4.
 
Because of certain work I do, I’ve met far, far more than that. I’ve also processed their personnel files. They are as productive as celebate priests. They also seek psychological services from the diocese at a far lower rate.
 
I’d be reticent to draw strong conclusions from one parish or diocese, and make those antidotes and conclusions public.
 
Interesting comments in response to 2012 article on marital stress./breakdowns for married clergy.

Clergy Divorce

A recent report in the LA Times stated that 25% of clergywomen and 20% of clergymen have been divorced at least once. In my Tuesday morning...
episcopaljourneyofhope.blogspot.com episcopaljourneyofhope.blogspot.com

From the article: “A recent report in the LA Times stated that 25% of clergywomen and 20% of clergymen have been divorced at least once. In my Tuesday morning breakfast group, the rate is much higher, perhaps because our first marriages terminated in an earlier time when the national divorce rate was around 35%. The 2008 US divorce rate was 28.5. In addition, that same article reported that 80% of the clergy think that ministry has negatively affected their marriages.”
 
TheOldColonel said:
Some Catholic priests are married. So, these would be the best. Don’t you agree?
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My confessor is married. While his experience as a husband and father is invaluable to him in his vocation as a priest and he has given me important insight from his experience, I don’t think it necessarily makes him a better confessor. He is an excellent confessor for so many reasons. He has a strong background in moral theology, he is prayerful, he cares deeply about being a good confessor, he has learned from the saints. Yes, his particular insight brings something to the table, but every good confess possesses unique qualities that he brings to his work.
 
There are things about pregnancy that even a relatively inexperienced obstetrician knows that even a mother of twelve does not. This is true. There are also things, however, that a woman who has only been pregnant once knows that a lifetime studying obstetrics can’t teach.

It isn’t a competition. The pastoral office of priests does not require that they have first-hand knowledge superior to everyone in their pastoral care. That would be impossible. One person cannot know all of those things in a first-hand way.

Priests do have first-hand experience in putting aside things that other people take for granted because they chose the “pearl of great price.” They were offered the call of a shepherd, and they accepted, in spite of everything they would be asked to give up in order to accept it. That does not make them less capable of understanding the human race in all its frailties and all of its multitude of experiences, but–if they avail themselves of the spiritual advancement that this sacrifice is intended to offer!–their sacrifice makes them more capable of understanding the human heart and all it will face.

The main thing is to not expect anyone, not even an old and very experienced priest, to have infinite insight into every person and every situation they are called to encounter in the person of Christ. We aren’t promised that, Providence has obviously not made us to need that, and we should not expect it.
 
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Thank you for your post .I love to hear my priests homily on marriage and his advice on marriage in private talks ,so very straight forward with advice and great understanding .
God bless.
 
ajfrab said:
Knowing about marriage from those in the confession booth is like knowing about the criminal justice system from those in prison.

Now if you claim they know more about the sins against marriage than the average married person, I’ll grant you that. But to claim a married person knows “at best-about their own marriage” is quite a statement. I’ve been married for over 35 years and there is not only my own marriage, but a significant number of other marriages (families and close friends) that intertwine with it on a daily basis.

So N is definitely > 1.

And not only am I privy to the failures of these other (and my own) marriages, but I also get to observe and experience the successes, the joys, and the satisfactions of these marriages, most of which never make it to the confession booth.
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When it comes to personal problems, I’d say that generally speaking priests give feedback with more insight into the human condition than do other people who have contended with the same condition. This is not to say that they offer everything. They can’t “pilot the plane” for you in your marriage, but no one else can, regardless of how much experience or wisdom they have. Others can only give outside advice. On that plane, I’d say they know the places people get lost by doing what seems a good idea at a time better than most, and they’ve been on more rescues than most.

Even an emergency physician doesn’t replace the need for paramedics. The people in the professions trained to help marriages become stronger is also not a competition. The people in those professions play complimentary roles. If you have a friend going through struggles, even if you are ignorant of what they are going through, you have a role to play that professionals on the outside can’t. It goes back to what St. Paul had to say about the different parts of the body: we need each one, we need each other in our many different roles.
 
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Edward_H said:
s sit in confessions - and outside of
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I completely understand the point you are trying to make, and I can relate to part of it too. I only know about my own marriage.

I have friends and family who are not married yet and I never know how to support them in their (often miserable) dating efforts. People seem to have SUCH a hard time with courting/dating- or even in their own marriages. I see the struggles and the patterns- but I’m terrible at helping because I honestly can’t relate to the hardships and can only guess at where they stem from.

I eloped when I was 18. I didn’t go about my marriage in the right or sacramental way- but I can at least say that it’s never caused me problems. I’m 30 now and still quite happy.

I don’t think my husband and I do things differently or have anything that we’ve done “right” vs others. Like I said- I eloped very very young. We’d only known each other for a few weeks to boot.

If anything- I just feel very blessed by God, in that I was lucky enough to find the correct person for me very young- and because he is correct, I’ve never had to try very hard to make it work. At least it has never FELT like I am trying hard.

When I look at my friends and family- I think a lot of the grief stems from approaching dating and marriage so casually. Going out with someone is just something to do- just a standard part of life and there’s this very casual attitude about intimacy these days. But even though I think that’s a big part of why people I know struggle- I also see very ‘old fashioned’ and romantic people struggle too.

I suppose it’s just hard to learn to live w someone else.

And you are right- even though priests aren’t married- they get a direct view of so many marriages and council and help so many. And in a way- because they have an unbiased approach towards those kind of relationship- not having their own experience in one, it’s almost a purer insight, I think .
 
Edward_H said:
I doubt it…that would only add an “N of 1”, and it may cause them to not be in the Confessional as much in order to serve their family.
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I doubt it. My pastor hears regularly scheduled confessions before every service and also hears confessions at his kids’ school parish when asked to. He is often sometimes asked to hear confessions during his “day job” at a Catholic High School. He does his best to make himself available any time someone needs confession. Once when I called him to make an appointment, he suggested that it might be easiest to come by his house to meet. We ended up meeting at the church, but I was gratified to know that he was willing to open up his home to me so that I could confess my sins.

I’ve known other married priests equally committed and I’ve known celibate priests who did not offer regularly scheduled confessions because “nobody would come anyway”.
 
I’m principally using the supposed evidence that you brought forward!! I agree it’s thin.

But more generally I know a lot of priests…work with them, see one monthly for spiritual direction, build programs with them for the men of our parish etc, my close cousin is a Dominican who is in a leadership position in his province.
 
Edward_H said:
most priests know more about marriage than nearly any married person, who only knows - at best - about their own marriage.
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I would challenge this. I know all about my marriage, my parents marriage, all of my siblings marriages, my best friend’s marriage, my husband’s best friend’s marriage, etc People talk. Probably more than they should, but that’s beside the point.
 
I hope you allow them to be human. No one is perfect and the priesthood is demanding. If you see faults in a priest, I hope you don’t call him a “buttercup” as you have here.

Remember. If while building a house, a carpenter strikes a nail. It proves faulty by bending. Does the carpenter then lose faith in all nails and stop building his house?

That’s the spiritual peril involved in your exalted view of clergy. Eventually, they’ll all fall off on your pedestal. Indeed, one day you may fall off!
 
Do you know about your parents’ marriage than a priest knows about his parent’s marriage?

No

Do you know more about your friend’s marriage than a priest knows about his friend’s marriage?

No.

Do you konw more about your husband’s best friend marriage than a priest knows about his sister’s marriage?

No…

Net you know “something” about your OWN marriage that a priest doesn’t know.

and he may actually know something more about your marriage that you don’t because your husband has told him something in confession!

So my point stands.
 
Actually, I would say I probably do know more about my friends and my family’s marriages. I suspect that a lot of the stuff people come to me with, they would never come to a priest with. At least not the whole story. That’s just me, though.
 
Thats a rather dark representation of a priest and what he learns about people in the confessional. If true, that’s certainly a discouragement for anyone to approach the sacrament.
 
I would not want to generalize about the average priest.

I do feel pretty confident that at least two priests I know are extremely capable in dealing with marriage and family relationship problems because of how much prudence and wisdom I’ve seen from both of them.

In one case, what led me to that conclusion was that we were having parent night at youth group and they separated us and had each group (the parent group and the teen group) brainstorm what they want their parents/teens to stop doing/start doing/keep doing. It turned out to be extremely moving and valuable in helping us see our parenting from the kids’ point of view (and hopefully helped the kids see the parents’ point of view) and to see what is working in the relationship.

Father told us that this is an exercise that he does with married couples and I’m sure he’s superb at it. It was actually stunning to realize what a big overlap there is between the types of conflicts parents

But again, I wouldn’t want to generalize about the average priest or the average married man.
 
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