Mother-in-law wants to be in delivery room

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Phemie said:
Some women want their moms there. My god-daughter’s mom, who is usually a very self-reliant person, actually called for her mother, who was shocked at the request. Actually, her husband called her mother to ask her to come and they were both delighted that she was there to accompany them to the OR for the C-section.
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Good for them, but this needs to be a couple’s decision - not just the pregnant mother’s.
 
SamH said:
Good for them, but this needs to be a couple’s decision - not just the pregnant mother’s.
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Under the circumstances, her wishes about who is present should trump anyone else’s.
 
bunnykisses88 said:
I’m worried about my MIL coming over to visit while I’m in early labor or something… sort of worried that my hubby wont be able to tell her to come back another time… I would rather have privacy.
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Then don’t accept visitors, save whoever is welcome in the delivery room. You’ll have been admitted to a hospital, not given a seat in a waiting area at Grand Central Station.

Guys, you’re going to be parents. Now is the time to learn to graciously, firmly, but unambiguously make your own rules and stand your own ground with the grandparents of your children. It is not going to get easier, particularly not if your parents and in-laws get the idea that you can be worn down. Do not encourage them to do that.
 
If my suspicions are correct, then MIL’s probably grieving the fact that her relationship with her mom was a bust (for whatever reason).

I know logically, someday, when my son gets married and my DIL gets pregnant and tells me that she doesn’t want me in the delivery room, I’m going to have to suck it up and respect their wishes.

However, I would hope that my DIL understands that I just want to be there for her in a way that my mother wasn’t able to be there for me.

She has a primary need to want to be there and let you know that she’ll be there for you. “Being there” is a HUGE deal to daughters who lost that primary ‘mother-daughter’ relationship.

Find other ways to let MIL “mother” you, if you don’t want her in the delivery room. She knows that she will never replace your mom, but she wants to be needed as a woman and a mother. She wants to know that she still has an important role in the family and a place within the family’s circle of women.

Her sons don’t “need” her “womanly” knowledge in the same way that a daughter would need that knowledge. It’s complicated.

(I can totally see myself saying “but I had a boy” in 20 or 30 years from now. He doesn’t need me to swap labor stories and talk about “female stuff”! And he has his dad to talk about “men stuff”. He really won’t need me, like he’ll need his Dad.)

(If I’m wrong about where she is emotionally, all bets are off. :))

There’s a huge opportunity for your relationship with your MIL to grow and deepen as you go through this experience.

You are so blessed to have two amazing older women in your life who want to be there for you and guide you through this phase of life. Honestly, I would have been thrilled to have this “problem”.

My mom’s dead (died when I was 7) and my MIL is MIA (by my husband’s choice not to be involved in their lives and after meeting FIL and MIL, I totally understand why!). It is what it is.
 
SamH said:
Good for them, but this needs to be a couple’s decision - not just the pregnant mother’s.
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No. This is not their wedding. She is the patient, she is the one doing all the work, and she is the one who has no option to leave. Her husband can decide that he can’t take it, if he wants. She can’t. They can decide together what she can have–just because she is giving birth does not make everything possible or prudent–but she has veto power over what will not happen. Period. Any exceptions to that will be dealt out by her physician.

Were I her, I’d give hubby the power to eject anyone, too, but since she’s the patient, I’d leave that up to her.
 
Kal2012 said:
If my suspicions are correct, then MIL’s probably grieving the fact that her relationship with her mom was a bust (for whatever reason).

I know logically, someday, when my son gets married and my DIL gets pregnant and tells me that she doesn’t want me in the delivery room, I’m going to have to suck it up and respect their wishes.

However, I would hope that my DIL understands that I just want to be there for her in a way that my mother wasn’t able to be there for me.

She has a primary need to want to be there and let you know that she’ll be there for you. “Being there” is a HUGE deal to daughters who lost that primary ‘mother-daughter’ relationship.

Find other ways to let MIL “mother” you, if you don’t want her in the delivery room. She knows that she will never replace your mom, but she wants to be needed as a woman and a mother. She wants to know that she still has an important role in the family and a place within the family’s circle of women.

Her sons don’t “need” her “womanly” knowledge in the same way that a daughter would need that knowledge. It’s complicated.

(I can totally see myself saying “but I had a boy” in 20 or 30 years from now. He doesn’t need me to swap labor stories and talk about “female stuff”! And he has his dad to talk about “men stuff”. He really won’t need me, like he’ll need his Dad.)

(If I’m wrong about where she is emotionally, all bets are off. :))

There’s a huge opportunity for your relationship with your MIL to grow and deepen as you go through this experience.

You are so blessed to have two amazing older women in your life who want to be there for you and guide you through this phase of life. Honestly, I would have been thrilled to have this “problem”.

My mom’s dead (died when I was 7) and my MIL is MIA (by my husband’s choice not to be involved in their lives and after meeting FIL and MIL, I totally understand why!). It is what it is.
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I disagree. I think this is huge opportunity to make it very clear that requests for the grandparents will be entertained graciously but answered definitively and without room for haggling. The presence of “two amazing older women in your life who want to be there for you and guide you through this phase of life” when you are parenting their first grandchild is something that needs to be handled very firmly, or the grandmas are going to be running everything, getting into battles with each other over whose “guidance” should hold sway, and generally making headache after headache for the parents.

I mean c’mon. This is giving birth, not a graduation ceremony. The mother will not lack for knowledgeable “guidance” about how to accomplish her goal, and the disadvantages of excessive and unwanted advice from the “coaching staff” ought to be obvious.

I had a wonderful relationship with my MIL (who lived with us and who had only boys). Her mother-in-law was the kind who insisted on having her way, and my MIL resolved she would never do that. If she didn’t like the way we were parenting and it was driving her nuts, she almost never said a word, and I think she never did say a word to me, only her son. When she ever gave advice, it was in the form of “one way to do it is this.” She always made it clear that the decisions were all ours. It was very hard for her, but it was wildly appreciated. I think she was the best MIL in the world, including my own mother, which is saying something because my mom was a star at it herself. When my sons get married, I want to be just like her. Our sons adored her. (And, in turn, when Granny or Grandma or Grandpa was taking care of the boys, they made the rules. I bent over backwards not to try to run what went on at their house. I figured that they raised me, they’d do OK.)

Neither my mom nor my MIL would have dreamed of getting themselves into the delivery room–and my MIL was the one who drove me to the hospital! It would have been strictly by invitation only, issued at the time. No advanced tickets, no advance guarantees, no expectations. (And can I say that OB docs love it when family is like that and does not upset their patient by making demands on her when she’s giving birth.)
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think you are handling it just fine, and I’m glad your husband is being firm about it too. It isn’t fair of your MIL to try and make you feel badly, either- if she continued with this behavior I would not even be calling her until after the baby is born.

A friend of mine had her first baby and her husband called both sets of parents when they got to the hospital to let them know, but asked them not to come until the baby was born and they were ready. Well, her in-laws showed up anyway- they weren’t allowed in the delivery room but saw the baby right after. The next baby, they were not called at all until after the baby was born.

If she mistakenly assumed she’d be there, she has now been informed that she needs to stay away and will need to get over it. If she keeps bringing it up, keep repeating what you have already told her.
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My daughter handled her second pregnancy much in this way.After the first,when the extended family on both sides descended upon her immediately after the birth! personally,I was o.k. Withbeing at home until notified.
 
Kal2012 said:
If my suspicions are correct, then MIL’s probably grieving the fact that her relationship with her mom was a bust (for whatever reason).

I know logically, someday, when my son gets married and my DIL gets pregnant and tells me that she doesn’t want me in the delivery room, I’m going to have to suck it up and respect their wishes.

However, I would hope that my DIL understands that I just want to be there for her in a way that my mother wasn’t able to be there for me.

She has a primary need to want to be there and let you know that she’ll be there for you. “Being there” is a HUGE deal to daughters who lost that primary ‘mother-daughter’ relationship.

Find other ways to let MIL “mother” you, if you don’t want her in the delivery room. She knows that she will never replace your mom, but she wants to be needed as a woman and a mother. She wants to know that she still has an important role in the family and a place within the family’s circle of women.

Her sons don’t “need” her “womanly” knowledge in the same way that a daughter would need that knowledge. It’s complicated.

(I can totally see myself saying “but I had a boy” in 20 or 30 years from now. He doesn’t need me to swap labor stories and talk about “female stuff”! And he has his dad to talk about “men stuff”. He really won’t need me, like he’ll need his Dad.)

(If I’m wrong about where she is emotionally, all bets are off. :))

There’s a huge opportunity for your relationship with your MIL to grow and deepen as you go through this experience.

You are so blessed to have two amazing older women in your life who want to be there for you and guide you through this phase of life. Honestly, I would have been thrilled to have this “problem”.

My mom’s dead (died when I was 7) and my MIL is MIA (by my husband’s choice not to be involved in their lives and after meeting FIL and MIL, I totally understand why!). It is what it is.
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I was blessed to have my very devout mom for my first 10 years of life. So although I missed her during most of the rest of my life, I know she gave me a very good foundation to be a mother myself. I have only sons, and I know that if their future wives grant me any access to their wedding and/or children, I will be nothing but grateful and gracious. I would never think to ask to be present (unless the future wife has no mother) at any of these important mother-daughter occasions. The trade-off, as EasterJoy has said, is that I also haven’t had to deal with all that goes along with having and raising girls. I won’t be paying for the wedding, other than the rehearsal dinner, so I don’t have an opinion about any of that. I figure the girl’s mother deserves first place at her daughter’s big occasions.

Anyway, I plan to be the best darned Grammy ever, so what if she gets off the starting line first, I’m going to pass her up like she’s standing still! 😃
 
Floraldancer said:
Hi all,

This isn’t a specifically Catholic question but we’re a Catholic couple and this seems like a non crazy place to get advice!

Here’s the long and short of it. I’m due August 7 with our first. Super excited - first grandchild on both sides. Obviously my husband will be in the delivery room, and I’ve asked my mother to be there too. She wants to be there, and she will be the photographer/support person. I’m trying for a natural labor and my mom had four. She’s a calming presence for me.

My mother-in-law seems to think she will be in the delivery room, too. Don’t get me wrong, I like my MIL, but I don’t want her with me while I am laboring, pushing and in the immediate postpartum. Of course she will be welcome to come visit after the birth, but as nice as she is she’s not my mom. I don’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable in front of her.

Last weekend she mentioned how she can’t wait to see her first grandchild be born. She knows my mom will be present. I just assumed she knew that as my MIL she would not be present for the birth. My husband said to her, “Mom, I think that would be too many cooks in the kitchen but you’ll be first on my call list when it’s all done” and she said (maybe only half joking) it wasn’t fair that we were having my mom and not her. My husband said, “Well, you know how intense things can get…” And let it go.

Today my MIL called and in the context of the call she said, “Am I really being kicked out of the delivery?” I said “Of course you’re not kicked out but I think it will just be Daniel and my mom this time.” She again said it wasn’t fair because she has all boys. We hung up friendly but I know she’s bummed.

Anything I can say or do? I don’t want her to be disappointed but I do think it’s pretty normal that women have a woman from their own family as support for the birth and not their husband’s mom. Honestly, I know birth gets crazy but I still don’t want her seeing me like that.
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Once that beautiful baby is born your mother in law will be fine. I only had my husband and Mom in for my deliveries (plus medical staff) because My mom is a nurse and had 7 children herself. My mother in law totally understood and even commented that it’s different as the Mom vs Mother in law.
 
SamH said:
Good for them, but this needs to be a couple’s decision - not just the pregnant mother’s.
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Disagree with that! When I was delivering, if I’d wanted husband gone it would have been my decision to make.

Of course back then I was just happy he was able to get off work to come to the hospital after I’d been admitted and we were in a hospital with midwives so dads were pretty much expected to be in the delivery room. That was a relief to me because when I’d done my nursing course a few years earlier, the hospital where I trained didn’t allow dads in the delivery room and mom’s hands were cuffed to the handles of the delivery table. I remember when I saw the cuffs I said “THAT’S IT! NO KIDS FOR THIS GAL!!!”

I would have given anything to be there when DD had our grandson but they didn’t even want me to come until they’d spent a week or so getting used to being parents. Of course when everything went haywire and nothing happened as they had planned they were on the phone asking me to come yesterday. I live a thousand miles away, his mom lives 10 minutes away but she didn’t get to go into the OR with them either.
 
I haven’t read all the replies so I don’t know if someone mentioned this already but to the extent of my knowledge hospitals only allow two people in the delivery room, one of those being the husband, which makes it one extra spot only and I think is very normal if that spot is deferred to the woman’s mother. In fact I know many MIL who happily deferred the spot because her being in there means the daughter can’t be with her mother. You should probably have your husband talk to your MIL and tell her nobody is kicking her out, the hospital doesn’t allow any more people and unless she doesn’t want her son to be present during his child’s birth she should deferr the spot because is normal that you want your mother in there.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Am I the only one who would be ok with the MIL in the room? 😊

I don’t have any kids yet, but I just know that when we do become pregnant, he will end up being deployed. lol. If my mom couldn’t make it here. Heck, if she could make it here I would still probably need my MIL. My mom is ill. Stress and being overly active makes her feel worse. So, I wouldn’t mind my other mom with me. I am super close to her. She came and visited me a couple of times when DH was deployed. When I went home for Christmas I spent half my time with her and my sister-in-laws and the other half with my family. They live about 2 1/2 hours apart. I wouldn’t mind her there. Now I’m not saying she will be my first option, but if I needed her, I know that she would be there.
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lol well you are not the only one I prefer to have my MIL instead of my mother but I have two very good reasons: my mother doesn’t handle stress and becomes hysterical and under those circumstances she would literally drive me crazy and knowing her how she get most likely a nurse will kick her out of the room, while my MIL is a nurse who worked labor and delivery for many years so I definitely would want her in there . But all boils down to what the woman feels more comfortable, if she wants her mother and her husband only the MIL should respect her decision.
 
marymary1975 said:
I haven’t read all the replies so I don’t know if someone mentioned this already but to the extent of my knowledge hospitals only allow two people in the delivery room, one of those being the husband, which makes it one extra spot only and I think is very normal if that spot is deferred to the woman’s mother. In fact I know many MIL who happily deferred the spot because her being in there means the daughter can’t be with her mother. You should probably have your husband talk to your MIL and tell her nobody is kicking her out, the hospital doesn’t allow any more people and unless she doesn’t want her son to be present during his child’s birth she should deferr the spot because is normal that you want your mother in there.
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Depends on whether we are talking about delivery rooms or birthing rooms. In birthing rooms it can be pretty much anyone the mom wants, including siblings of the child to be born.
 
My daughter hasn’t asked me to be present for her deliveries, and I am not the least bit offended.

Son and DIL are thousands of miles away, which makes being present impossible. Even if they were close by, I’d not be offended. If she wanted her mom and not me, I still wouldn’t be offended.

It’s not my decision. Sheesh!

And placating people by finding other jobs… I don’t get that, either. Deal with it people, we’re adults.

Stick to your guns.
 
KCT said:
…And placating people by finding other jobs… I don’t get that, either. Deal with it people, we’re adults.
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Besides, when it becomes your job to placate people, you can find it a hard position to abdicate. It is better to be gracious but to let them self-console themselves for the disappointments that their unrealistic expectations set them up for. If you make it your job to find a compromise to assuage their unrealistic expectations, you have a difficult several decades ahead of you.
 
SamH said:
Good for them, but this needs to be a couple’s decision - not just the pregnant mother’s.
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Yeah, when the husband has no choice but to be nearly naked and showing off his most private body parts to the entire room, and when he is the one who is utterly vulnerable emotionally, and physically, and in the kind of physical state of pain/work/out of body experience/embarrassing positions, and committing embarrassing involuntary actions like the mother, then he would get just as much a say as the wife. Until then, the husband can have (name removed by moderator)ut, but the wife makes the decision of who gets to be with her in that situation.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
Yeah, when my husband has no choice but to be nearly naked and showing off his most private body parts to the entire room, and when he is the one who is utterly vulnerable emotionally, and in the kind of physical state of pain/work/out of body that I am, then he would get just as much a say as me. Until then, the husband can have (name removed by moderator)ut, but the wife makes the decision of who gets to be with her in that situation.
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Besides, I don’t think anybody at the hospital is going to listen to anyone but the patient. If she says somebody needs to go, they’re not going to let the patient’s husband overrule her. When she is in full labor, she should expect that she won’t have a lot of energy to hide her true feelings about who should be there and who should not. That is not a good expectation for her to put onto herself.
 
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