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Joe_5859
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Good point.
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Xantippe
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“Yeah, when the husband has no choice but to be nearly naked and showing off his most private body parts to the entire room, and when he is the one who is utterly vulnerable emotionally, and physically, and in the kind of physical state of pain/work/out of body experience/embarrassing positions, and committing embarrassing involuntary actions like the mother, then he would get just as much a say as the wife.”
That’s a very vivid and truthful description. All of those factors need to be thought about with regard to every person the expectant mother is thinking of bringing into the delivery room. I wouldn’t, for example, even think of having my mom at the hospital. We just don’t have that kind of relationship.
Another factor is that we generally have to watch ourselves a bit more with our in-laws than with our own blood relatives. We have to be a bit more polite, a bit more guarded, which is pretty much the opposite of the situation with labor and delivery, where everything is (literally) all hanging out. It’s not unlikely that the expectant mother may not be getting any brownie points from Miss Manners or Emily Post for the way that she talks while trying to squeeze a baby the size of a loaf of bread out of an orifice the size of a can of Coke. Under the circumstances, it’s best to only have people there who have seen you under at variety of circumstances and will forgive you if you say something not perfectly polite.
Good luck!
That’s a very vivid and truthful description. All of those factors need to be thought about with regard to every person the expectant mother is thinking of bringing into the delivery room. I wouldn’t, for example, even think of having my mom at the hospital. We just don’t have that kind of relationship.
Another factor is that we generally have to watch ourselves a bit more with our in-laws than with our own blood relatives. We have to be a bit more polite, a bit more guarded, which is pretty much the opposite of the situation with labor and delivery, where everything is (literally) all hanging out. It’s not unlikely that the expectant mother may not be getting any brownie points from Miss Manners or Emily Post for the way that she talks while trying to squeeze a baby the size of a loaf of bread out of an orifice the size of a can of Coke. Under the circumstances, it’s best to only have people there who have seen you under at variety of circumstances and will forgive you if you say something not perfectly polite.
Good luck!
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SamH
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Actually mom did too - about 9 months earlier - but most people seem to forget that.
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JackieMom
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Yes. The OP said she was going to try for an unmedicated labor. She needs a support team that will do her exact bidding without getting offended or horrified. Many moms scream, cry, curse, beg, and plead while in full-blown labor. About 1/3 defecate (involuntarily) on the table. Vaginas tear, there’s blood and mess… Who wants their MIL to see that? Your own mother has already seen you at your worst!
As an L&D nurse I will also say that childbirth does not always end with a healthy mom and baby, despite all precautions. Things can go from joyous to worrisome in about a second, and in that moment Mom needs to feel fully supported, not “watched.” Someone who is at the birth as a spectator is not going to be helpful if something goes amiss.
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Floraldancer
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Wow! Thanks everyone for your replies - I have read every one. I am glad we are doing the right thing. The hospital does not have a hard rule about number of support people, but I feel like three is too many for me.
Plus, my mom has told me that I may not even want HER there when it comes down to it, and she is prepared to step out if I need that. I really think I do want her there, as she has done this before and we are very close. I just don’t want my MIL to see me in that state (I know it won’t be a Johnson&Johnson commercial!)
I think my MIL really always wanted a daughter and instead had three boys. I do plan on her being a great grandma to my child/children but I need her to breathe and calm down! I actually do not want anyone “waiting” at the hospital during my labor either, but my husband will phone her as soon as baby is born and we are settled into our postpartum room. We will not be seeing visitors for a while, but my husband did tell his mom she can bring our first meal while when are at home. She will be allowed to come in and see the baby at that time - so aside from my mom she will be baby’s first visitor.
And I totally agree about not having tons of visitors. Since the pertussis outbreak, and since my baby will be too young to get a flu shot in the fall, my OB told us to be cautious until 6 months. Luckily I will be a stay home mom so we won’t need to take our baby to germy places. And I definitely want to reserve the right to seriously limit people coming to our home until we are settled in and comfortable in a routine.
MIL is a nice person but I think this is the time to gently set boundaries. Thank God my husband understands and will back me up. Love him!
Plus, my mom has told me that I may not even want HER there when it comes down to it, and she is prepared to step out if I need that. I really think I do want her there, as she has done this before and we are very close. I just don’t want my MIL to see me in that state (I know it won’t be a Johnson&Johnson commercial!)
I think my MIL really always wanted a daughter and instead had three boys. I do plan on her being a great grandma to my child/children but I need her to breathe and calm down! I actually do not want anyone “waiting” at the hospital during my labor either, but my husband will phone her as soon as baby is born and we are settled into our postpartum room. We will not be seeing visitors for a while, but my husband did tell his mom she can bring our first meal while when are at home. She will be allowed to come in and see the baby at that time - so aside from my mom she will be baby’s first visitor.
And I totally agree about not having tons of visitors. Since the pertussis outbreak, and since my baby will be too young to get a flu shot in the fall, my OB told us to be cautious until 6 months. Luckily I will be a stay home mom so we won’t need to take our baby to germy places. And I definitely want to reserve the right to seriously limit people coming to our home until we are settled in and comfortable in a routine.
MIL is a nice person but I think this is the time to gently set boundaries. Thank God my husband understands and will back me up. Love him!
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Bezant
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Strictly speaking, no one is required to attend or prohibited from attending deliveries. In other words, weigh your decision less on vague “norms” than how beneficial/harmful your MIL’s presence would be for you/doctors/nurses, because it may be “normal” for dads to pace in the waiting room, and it may be “normal” for mother-in-laws to assist with the birth. It’s certainly understandable that she would want to witness the birth of her grandchild.
Since you mention that:
- You are on overall good terms with your MIL;
- Your objection is based on your discomfort that she will see you in labour;
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EasterJoy
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You gotta love that your husband gets it. This bodes well for your future as parents.
I’ve been told that it is a good practice to have everyone wash their hands the minute they come into the house, if there is a vulnerable person living there (very old, very young, or having health issues) or if the person coming in hasn’t washed their hands since being somewhere with a lot of vectors (like a school or preschool, hospital, and so on). Apparently, just having the children at a daycare wash their hands well when they got there and just before they left cut the rate of colds and other “bugs” by over 50%.
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ThyKingdomCome
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Not sure what your point is here - that the dad was part of the conception? What does that have to do with a mil, or anyone else who wasn’t there at conception being there for the birth? Seriously, in what universe does a woman not deserve the dignity and respect to decide who gets to see her in that state? In what universe would any father who has very little vulnerability in the situation even WANT to override whatever makes his wife more comfortable while she gives birth to his child? Yikes, I hope a husband/father would have at least the bare minimum of respect for his wife as to understand that her needs are more important than his desires at the moment of the delivery of their child.
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RichT
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My wife and I allowed nobody in the room except us and the medical staff. Not her mother, nor mine. They were right outside the door, and as soon as we had our time with the baby, they were invited in. We just weren’t comfortable with anyone in the room except us. We both felt that childbirth is really a very private moment and didn’t want any potential for distractions.
With number three, it was mom and a female paramedic in the back of an ambulance!
If you’re really on board with your own mom, that’s great, but I agree that mom in law needs to wait outside the room.
Just a dad’s humble opinion…
With number three, it was mom and a female paramedic in the back of an ambulance!
If you’re really on board with your own mom, that’s great, but I agree that mom in law needs to wait outside the room.
Just a dad’s humble opinion…
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Joe_5859
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Good to hear. It’s good that your mother is also willing to step out if need be. Even if you don’t think you’ll need to ask her to leave, at least you know that, if the moment comes where you do feel that way, you’ll be able to ask her to leave without feeling guilty about it.
I’ll just toss this out there as it’s obviously up to you, but I wouldn’t necessarily rule out having MIL visit at the hospital – depending on how long you’re there. With c-sections, we were always there for 2-3 days and it would get mighty boring at times. It was always kind of nice to have a visitor pop in for a little bit on the second or third day – if only to bring a bit of non-hospital food.
Of course, I have also known someone who put older brother to bed for the night, went into labor, went to the hospital, had the baby, and brought the baby home all before older brother woke up in the morning. If that’s how it goes, there’s not really time for hospital visitors.
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SamH
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The mom was.
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SamH
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How’s that work when it happens fast or takes days?My wife and I allowed nobody in the room except us and the medical staff. Not her mother, nor mine. They were right outside the door, and as soon as we had our time with the baby, they were invited in. We just weren’t comfortable with anyone in the room except us. We both felt that childbirth is really a very private moment and didn’t want any potential for distractions.
With number three, it was mom and a female paramedic in the back of an ambulance!
If you’re really on board with your own mom, that’s great, but I agree that mom in law needs to wait outside the room.
Just a dad’s humble opinion…
I have a friend whose wife’s water broke while he was in the shower. He literally only had time to pull on a pair of shorts and drive her 9 minutes to the hospital - the baby was born in the hallway on their way from emergancy admitance to the delivery room. Had he taken the time to towel off the baby would have been born in the car.
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EasterJoy
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I think that anyone who would try to overrule a woman about who is welcome to be present during her unmedicated labor and delivery would have second thoughts when she made her wishes known while in full labor. At that point, she’s no longer likely to have the strength nor the inclination to mince words, as many a husband can attest.
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PatriceA
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JackieMom
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Ultimately as with any hospital stay, the patient is 100% in control of who has access to her, her room and her medical information. Mom says no visitors, Mom gets no visitors. She can even have her own husband removed if he does not leave when asked.I think that anyone who would try to overrule a woman about who is welcome to be present during her unmedicated labor and delivery would have second thoughts when she made her wishes known while in full labor. At that point, she’s no longer likely to have the strength nor the inclination to mince words, as many a husband can attest.
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marymary1975
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I think that many women would be delighted if it actually happened that fast for most women. Unfortunately, those cases are not common, that is why usually they make news because it doesn’t happen that much. what happens quite frequently though is spending 20 or 30 hours in labor that is why sometimes having the family in the hospital all the time makes no sense because they can’t really help and are just going to be there waiting for a day or more without being of too much help. Better to wait until the baby is born and then go to see it.
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marymary1975
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That is true.
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Xantippe
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“Since the pertussis outbreak, and since my baby will be too young to get a flu shot in the fall, my OB told us to be cautious until 6 months.”
The timing was just right for me to get my flu shot in the month or so before our newest baby was born (we had an early October baby). Could your OB get you a flu shot while you are still pregnant? I know that might not work for an August baby, as the flu shot is different every year and the 2013 version might not be out or available then, but it might be worthwhile to make inquiries now.
Best wishes!
The timing was just right for me to get my flu shot in the month or so before our newest baby was born (we had an early October baby). Could your OB get you a flu shot while you are still pregnant? I know that might not work for an August baby, as the flu shot is different every year and the 2013 version might not be out or available then, but it might be worthwhile to make inquiries now.
Best wishes!
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EasterJoy
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This is what I mean:
youtube.com/watch?v=Mvkz9Rqzcs0
This is the first baby for the parents and the first grandchild for the grandparents. Nothing is going to go the way anyone imagined, least of all the way the parents imagine!
Seriously, though, you are right and the hospitals have it right. A mom who wants to limit admissions to the minimum should not be asked to 2nd-guess herself by anybody.
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dixieagle
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Priceless!!!Both of our daughters have had babies within the last 2 years; the first daughter had just her husband with her, though we visited with her for a while in earlier labor (fairly short, easy labor.) When the second baby was born, my daughter wanted me to help with some “coaching” to give her husband a break. I was with her until shortly before the pushing began ( a LONG labor) but would not have dreamed of insisting on being there for the actual birth… and I was her mom!!!
OP - stick to your guns; this is YOUR call. I like the idea of finding something else special for MIL to do.
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