Mother-in-law wants to be in delivery room

[SamH]

what happens quite frequently though is spending 20 or 30 hours in labor that is why sometimes having the family in the hospital all the time makes no sense because they can’t really help and are just going to be there waiting for a day or more without being of too much help. Better to wait until the baby is born and then go to see it.

Agreed.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Be firm … Be clear … If she says “Am I being kicked out?” You need to reply, “yes, I (emphasize I) am kicking you out with love.”

My MIL did not get my clear message and hung around for hours in my room. She was a “nurse” therefore felt it was her duty to deliver her grandchild. Luckily, God heard my prayers and with the labor ebbing and flowing she wore out before the active labor started. I was spared having her wipe my poop!!! Thanks be to God!!! Eeeck- aaaaaaa I was sooooo stressed.

Now, do yourself a favor and kick Everyone but your husband from the recovery room. Have ALL gifts directed to your home. You will get into recovery and want to shower & sleep. This will not happen. Mourning is usually non-stop doctors, nurses, people testing, drawing blood, and basically keeping you busy. You don’t want ppl coming in while these hospital professionals are still poking you. If you are learning to nurse, you don’t want visitors freaking you out with their opinion. This is a time you can make your MIl feel equalized that you are kicking your mom out of recovery!

Welcome family at home. It used to be tradition that mom & dad would stay home and the baby would make its grand appearance at their baptism.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m a huge Miss Manners fangirl and I’ve always believed that she has the perfect response for people wanting to be in the delivery room: “A lady does not entertain with her legs in the air.”

*That is hilarious! *

 

[journey00]

While it seems awkward to have your mil in the delivery now, it may not be that too bad when the time comes. You will likely have doctors, residents, nurses, etc. It sometimes gets to the point that you think, what’s one more person. Many are so worn out by the labor and so happy about the imminent birth, that modesty often takes a back seat. You might feel awkward for a second, but she will be so thrilled that it won’t matter as much as you originally thought. Just thought I’d throw out a different angle to look at. However, the choice is yours and I’m sure your mil will be ok either way. Wishing you a quick labor and a healthy baby!!!

I just went through this. I’m a first time Grandma not even a week ago. My DIL texted me that she would prefer that we visit a month after the baby is born. We live in OK and they in MD. At first I was offended because it is my first grand baby from my first born son. But after I cooled down I realized that it was ok. Her Mom would be there with her and let’s face it…it is her Mom. You must have a good relationship with her for her to assume she can be there also. You are very lucky. I have a good relationship with my DIL also but I was ok with visiting later. However, I have two daughters and I’m sure they will want me in there. In the end, her Mom and sister got tired of waiting and went home and my son and DIL enjoyed a beautiful intimate moment together. Of course he was texting me the whole time during the birth and we face timed shortly after.

I agree with above post. When I had my first son, I too thought I didn’t want anyone in there because I wanted nobody to see my business. But when the time came around I was so tired that I didn’t care anymore who saw me! I just wanted to give birth!!! Lol.

Maybe u could just have your husband tell her that u are embarassed for her to see you but u will play it by ear. U might be so tired by then that u won’t care if she’s in there or not. Mother in laws need to understand that they are the MIL and not the Mom. It IS different.

Also, its easier for me to demand and scream and yell at my Mom than at my MIL. Lol. I get along great with my MIL but good manners and a certain degree of politeness is expected towards an in law. It would be very hard to do that during labor. Your Mom always has to love you, your MIL not so much. Good luck to you and God bless you with a healthy baby.

 

[AussieTrish]

I wouldn’t be comfortable being half naked and legs in the air and in extreme pain in front of anyone I wouldn’t normally be, and that includes mother or mother-in-law, and don’t believe any woman should have to be in such a compromised position if she doesn’t wish to be.

One accepts husband and medical professionals as a normal part of the difficult and messy process of delivery, but I wouldn’t want anyone else present during the birth process.

I would consider it very intrusive and unfair to require my daughter-in-law to have me present at her child’s birth, and as a mother of my own daughter, I would gently offer in case she wished it, but certainly not expect to be present. A woman’s privacy should be respected unless she requests otherwise. It’s her child and her husband’s, not the grandparents’ child!
And out of respect to the husband and wife, some time should be allowed them to privately enjoy their child before family descends upon them, welcome as they will be when the time comes!

 

[Genevieve_II]

Ok. I feel like I need to explain why I would be open to the possibility of having one’s mil in the delivery. First of all, the mil does not want to be there to see her dil naked, in compromised positions, etc. She wants to witness the birth of her grandchild. This is a joyous event. For me, I’d be thankful to have the opportunity to share the experience with her. Not only is birth a beautiful experience, but the excitement, the hugging, the crying of the support people can also be beautiful. Many a time, a mil will show up at the door of an impending delivery. While the staff is turning her away, the patient will often say, “oh, just let her in”. They realize that her excitement can’t be contained anymore. So, in the grand scheme of things, was it such a disaster that the mil was there? I have yet to hear of it. This is why I say to be open to the possibility. Sometimes, the more we try to control things, the more difficult things become. If you’re determined not to have someone present, not to have someone in the waiting room, etc., it could lead to anger during an already difficult time. So, that’s why I’d approach this with an open mind and heart.

This is not to say that I’m opposed to a patient’s right to choose who she has present in the delivery room. It’s just presenting a different perspective. Sounds like her mil is disappointed, but the fact that she posed the question tells me she’s trying to come to terms with the answer. Labor & Delivery staff deal with this sort of thing 24/7. It’s unlikely that the mil will be in the delivery if the patient requests it. My guess here is that the mil is just excited about the impending birth of her grandchild and this whole thing will be a non-issue by the time of the birth - at least that’s my hope. Again, I wish you a speedy labor and a healthy baby. Blessings to all of you!!!

 

[Xantippe]

“First of all, the mil does not want to be there to see her dil naked, in compromised positions, etc. She wants to witness the birth of her grandchild. This is a joyous event. For me, I’d be thankful to have the opportunity to share the experience with her. Not only is birth a beautiful experience, but the excitement, the hugging, the crying of the support people can also be beautiful.”

But also potentially distracting during labor if they get bored, play with their phones, eat food in front of the mom, talk loudly about other things, argue with medical staff, annoy the laboring mother, etc. It’s potentially more offensive to kick people out than it is to not let them in to begin with.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wouldn’t be comfortable being half naked and legs in the air and in extreme pain in front of anyone I wouldn’t normally be, and that includes mother or mother-in-law, and don’t believe any woman should have to be in such a compromised position if she doesn’t wish to be.

One accepts husband and medical professionals as a normal part of the difficult and messy process of delivery, but I wouldn’t want anyone else present during the birth process.

I would consider it very intrusive and unfair to require my daughter-in-law to have me present at her child’s birth, and as a mother of my own daughter, I would gently offer in case she wished it, but certainly not expect to be present. A woman’s privacy should be respected unless she requests otherwise. It’s her child and her husband’s, not the grandparents’ child!
And out of respect to the husband and wife, some time should be allowed them to privately enjoy their child before family descends upon them, welcome as they will be when the time comes!

I agree whole-heartedly with this! In fact, I got extremely annoyed at some nurses who were having a normal conversation in the room where I was laboring! It was like, “Hey, nothing’s happening for US, so we’ll just chit-chat over here,” meanwhile I am in a lot of pain and just didn’t want to hear anything else! I told them to shut up!

 

[EasterJoy]

Ok. I feel like I need to explain why I would be open to the possibility of having one’s mil in the delivery. First of all, the mil does not want to be there to see her dil naked, in compromised positions, etc. She wants to witness the birth of her grandchild. This is a joyous event. For me, I’d be thankful to have the opportunity to share the experience with her. Not only is birth a beautiful experience, but the excitement, the hugging, the crying of the support people can also be beautiful. Many a time, a mil will show up at the door of an impending delivery. While the staff is turning her away, the patient will often say, “oh, just let her in”. They realize that her excitement can’t be contained anymore. So, in the grand scheme of things, was it such a disaster that the mil was there? I have yet to hear of it. This is why I say to be open to the possibility. Sometimes, the more we try to control things, the more difficult things become. If you’re determined not to have someone present, not to have someone in the waiting room, etc., it could lead to anger during an already difficult time. So, that’s why I’d approach this with an open mind and heart.

This is not to say that I’m opposed to a patient’s right to choose who she has present in the delivery room. It’s just presenting a different perspective. Sounds like her mil is disappointed, but the fact that she posed the question tells me she’s trying to come to terms with the answer. Labor & Delivery staff deal with this sort of thing 24/7. It’s unlikely that the mil will be in the delivery if the patient requests it. My guess here is that the mil is just excited about the impending birth of her grandchild and this whole thing will be a non-issue by the time of the birth - at least that’s my hope. Again, I wish you a speedy labor and a healthy baby. Blessings to all of you!!!

The absolute last thing the OP should worry herself about is making it her job to avoid “anger during an already difficult time.” This is one time in her life when she ought to take such control over the situation as the situation permits her*, and with no apologies to anyone. With the exception of her physician, it is everyone else who need to let go of their desire to control the terms of her labor and delivery. After all, she is the only one who cannot get out of doing this work, and in the end the only one who will be doing it. If anyone decides to get angry about that, that is 100% their issue, and they ought to do some serious self-examination about it.

*(Meaning, being pregnant does not mean you get to decide over your husband’s and doctor’s protests to have a home birth when you have a high-risk pregnancy or that you have to have the Waldorf-Astoria birthing suite that your family cannot afford or that you can hire Franco Zeffirelli to direct the videographer…)

 

[Genevieve_II]

The absolute last thing the OP should worry herself about is making it her job to avoid “anger during an already difficult time.” This is one time in her life when she ought to take such control over the situation as the situation permits her*, and with no apologies to anyone. With the exception of her physician, it is everyone else who need to let go of their desire to control the terms of her labor and delivery. After all, she is the only one who cannot get out of doing this work, and in the end the only one who will be doing it. If anyone decides to get angry about that, that is 100% their issue, and they ought to do some serious self-examination about it.

*(Meaning, being pregnant does not mean you get to decide over your husband’s and doctor’s protests to have a home birth when you have a high-risk pregnancy or that you have to have the Waldorf-Astoria birthing suite that your family cannot afford or that you can hire Franco Zeffirelli to direct the videographer…)

As mentioned in the second half of my post, I’m not opposed to a patient’s right to choose who is in the delivery. My point is that sometimes things don’t go as planned. (For example, the mil may show up in the waiting room.) Rather than becoming angry, understand that things happen beyond our control. Don’t let it steal the joy of this very beautiful day!!! Imagine what our Blessed Mother went through and look to her for strength when the going gets rough. Blessings to all!

 

[EasterJoy]

As mentioned in the second half of my post, I’m not opposed to a patient’s right to choose who is in the delivery. My point is that sometimes things don’t go as planned. (For example, the mil may show up in the waiting room.) Rather than becoming angry, understand that things happen beyond our control. Don’t let it steal the joy of this very beautiful day!!! Imagine what our Blessed Mother went through and look to her for strength when the going gets rough. Blessings to all!

Sorry, I thought you meant it was the OP’s problem if the MIL chose to get angry! No, you’re right, it is good practice for motherhood to expect to have your boundaries pushed, don’t you think? If you expect that will happen from time to time and feel ready to deal with it firmly and directly, you’re not so likely to get angry about it. It’s just something to cope with, and there’s always going to be that in family relations. If you going in expecting that it will be “something”, there is less of a feeling of violation, and anger is less likely to be felt. Day One with MIL as grandmother. Play it right, and you might get her trained by the third or fourth grandchild or so. Maybe.

Stay firm, stay sweet, but stay firm. It’s not a course that is often regretted!

 

[Kelfa28]

As mentioned in the second half of my post, I’m not opposed to a patient’s right to choose who is in the delivery. My point is that sometimes things don’t go as planned. (For example, the mil may show up in the waiting room.) Rather than becoming angry, understand that things happen beyond our control. Don’t let it steal the joy of this very beautiful day!!! Imagine what our Blessed Mother went through and look to her for strength when the going gets rough. Blessings to all!

I see your point…I really do.

However…in reality…I’ve yet to go into a hospital that has a labor and delivery unit that is not on total lock down. It’s the most secured area of any hospital and for good reason.
Meaning you need to get permission from the staff to even walk onto the unit…let alone make it to the room DIL will be in.

If my MIL (even if my own mother) somehow figured out we were having our baby at that point…hubby and I wouldn’t have even found out about it.

That is because we told the staff not to allow any visitors to come in until we were good and ready.

If she buzzed in over the intercom and asked to see me…she would have been met with the polite voice of the unit secretary. “Mrs. So-and-So is not accepting any visitors right now…please come back later, thank-you.”

If you are one of the very small percentage of people who choose to give birth at home…then that is a different story because there really is no stopping your MIL from coming to the door and asking to come in. Unless you’ve hired a security detail…then you have to make a choice.

My MIL very well could have shown up at the L&D unit. I was 14 days overdue and neither my husband and I were home nor were we answering our phones. That’s not difficult to put two and two together at the end of the day.

Like I said…if she did. It would have been a non-issue. She never would have made it past the front door of the unit because L&D units are always locked and should always be locked. She would have been sitting in the waiting room for a very long time.
We had our daughter at 2:30 am after being in labor for nearly 30 hours.

I didn’t allow my first guest to come in and visit until lunch time.

 

[Genevieve_II]

If she buzzed in over the intercom and asked to see me…she would have been met with the polite voice of the unit secretary. “Mrs. So-and-So is not accepting any visitors right now…please come back later, thank-you.”

Different hospitals have different protocols as to how visitors are allowed on the unit. This gets tricky because some patients don’t mind visitors during labor, especially if they have an epidural. The visitors are asked to leave for exams and for the delivery. The unit secretary is not always aware of what is going on in every room at every minute. Don’t get me wrong, the L&D staff do keep the unit secure and are very in tuned as to who belongs on and off the unit. So, most of the time, people are sent away before they make it to the room. However, the staff is not always aware of who is just visiting and who will be in the delivery. This is why people, sometimes, make it to the door. The nurse caring for the patient will send people back to the waiting room in this situation. Again, different hospitals have different protocols.

I didn’t comment in this thread to oppose anyone’s right to choose who she has in the delivery room. That is entirely up to the patient. Most of the comments were about why someone should not allow one’s mil in the delivery. Just thought I’d present things from a different perspective. That’s all.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I haven’t had time to go through all the responses, so if I am repeating someone else’s advice I’m sorry in advance.

You are going to be very uncomfortable, birth is messy, and you aren’t wearing any pants. You are allowed to decide who in your family gets to see that and who does not. It is possible to love your mother in law very much, but not want her staring at your lower region…