Moving on after porn

[AllieT]

farmerswife - I am so sorry you have had to face this huge disappointment in your life. What came to my mind is the fact that Satan wants you to be feeling this insecurity about yourself and your marriage. He wants your husband to stray and be indifferent about it. He wants you to have this distrust and unending turmoil plaguing you for the rest of your life. It’s a constant battle we all face, in different forms. You can’t control your husband’s actions, no matter how many restrictions are put on his internet access…but you can fight Satan, not by being a doormat in your marriage or by changing your looks in an attempt to please your husband, but by praying that God gives you the wisdom, strength and confidence to handle this the best way HE wants you to, and also by praying that your husband takes his Catholic faith to heart and that he understands that what he did is a mortal sin (if he hasn’t already), and even if he doesn’t understand HOW it hurts you, that he understands that it DID hurt you. If you don’t already, maybe go to some daily Masses at your Church, and if you have the opportunity, go to Adoration and just pray and listen for guidance. We have First Friday Adoration at our Church, and it’s amazing the peace and wisdom that it (along with attending extra Masses) brings me, especially when I’m faced with a stressful or seemingly impossible situation. It’s not a one-time thing, though, because the bad feelings will inevitably be triggered at some point. You don’t have to solve this today, but don’t let Satan get the better of you. Fight him. And try to pray for your husband (that will really diminish Satan’s power!) - if he hasn’t faced the gravity of this situation yet, he needs prayers, too, for his soul. I think that when we pray for those that hurt us (as difficult as it can sometimes be), we’re able to make great strides toward holiness. I hope this situation greatly improves for you over time, and that you both will be able to overcome it and move on with a happy marriage…God bless you. I will say a prayer for you both…

 

[Sugabee43]

Women are hard-wired to take things “personally”; that is one of the big differences between men and women. It’s not bad; it’s not good; it just IS. I am so tired of hearing that, too Farmerswife!!! I’m also tired of having the situation turned around onto me; making it MY fault because I do or don’t do the things I’m charged to do as a wife. I just had that heated conversation AGAIN last night with my husband. His recollection of when he began the porn thing changes with the conversation. He’s told me he’s done it as long as he can remember. He’s also told me that he stayed chaste for the first 6 months we were married before indulging. But last night, that turned into 2 1/2 years! . I WISH I had been smart enough to keep my old NFP charts, because then we could look and see how often we had sex. I’m positive it was a minimum of 4-5/week during fertile periods, but he remembers it completely differently. Of course. . And of course, if I were ‘more available’, he wouldn’t be ‘forced’ to turn to his habit. RIGHT. Because when we WERE doing it constantly, he STILL was indulging, even if he wants to pretend otherwise. He says it’s not my fault in one sentence, and in the next, he blames me. He says he’s going to leave me eventually because “neither one of us deserve to live like this”. Well, good luck finding someone else who’s willing to put up with it and be silent about it without screaming every day. :banghead:

Rant over.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Women are hard-wired to take things “personally”; that is one of the big differences between men and women. It’s not bad; it’s not good; it just IS. I am so tired of hearing that, too Farmerswife!!! I’m also tired of having the situation turned around onto me; making it MY fault because I do or don’t do the things I’m charged to do as a wife. I just had that heated conversation AGAIN last night with my husband. His recollection of when he began the porn thing changes with the conversation. He’s told me he’s done it as long as he can remember. He’s also told me that he stayed chaste for the first 6 months we were married before indulging. But last night, that turned into 2 1/2 years! . I WISH I had been smart enough to keep my old NFP charts, because then we could look and see how often we had sex. I’m positive it was a minimum of 4-5/week during fertile periods, but he remembers it completely differently. Of course. . And of course, if I were ‘more available’, he wouldn’t be ‘forced’ to turn to his habit. RIGHT. Because when we WERE doing it constantly, he STILL was indulging, even if he wants to pretend otherwise. He says it’s not my fault in one sentence, and in the next, he blames me. He says he’s going to leave me eventually because “neither one of us deserve to live like this”. Well, good luck finding someone else who’s willing to put up with it and be silent about it without screaming every day. :banghead:

Rant over.

Oh Shugabee, I’m so sorry!!!

My husband does the same thing, tells me it’s his fault and he’s " sick" than the next day its my fault because we don’t do it often enough… Know how much I want to be available for that when I know he’s thinking of the girls I saw on his phone??? Yeah, right! Then when it doesn’t happen for a few days he alludes to me needing to do it or be might be tempted. Feels like blackmail! The sad part, I don’t trust him at all, its crushing because a month ago this time in my ignorant bliss, I thought he hung the moon… In my eyes now, he is a liar, sneaking around, cheating, being a deceitful pervert. And in society’s eyes I shouldn’t worry because he’s coming home to me. Pfffffft! Gee great, he’s getting all hot n bothered elsewhere and masturbating to save me the trouble of what used to be an intimate and holy relation. The marital act for me has been gutted. I feel like nothing more than a tool for his pleasure.

I’m especially owly about him today because he got blackout, throw up on yourself, drunk over the weekend at my company Christmas party and made a fool out of both of us in front of all of my coworkers. He binges like that several times a year, its caused many huge fights, once in a while its even physical. That little stunt served him with his second ultimatum in a months time. I love him without question but damn, sometimes he’s hard to like! I went to confession about my part all this and all the orher things its caused me to do and found myself bawling in the confessional, pouring my heart out, and that’s never happened before. I feel a little bit better, now. I just feel, like you, that the end might be coming for us. I would give my life to save our marriage but it takes 2. I can’t do it if he doesn’t want to try. That and for the first time in our marriage I feel like I could’ve done better.

 

[Boccherini]

Women are hard-wired to take things “personally”; that is one of the big differences between men and women. It’s not bad; it’s not good; it just IS. I am so tired of hearing that, too Farmerswife!!! I’m also tired of having the situation turned around onto me; making it MY fault because I do or don’t do the things I’m charged to do as a wife. I just had that heated conversation AGAIN last night with my husband.

This is why people point out that it shouldn’t be taken personally, because otherwise you might think it’s your fault or it’s because of something you did or didn’t do. And it isn’t.

I remember the saddest thing about that Jennifer Lawrence sex photos scandal was how she said that she needs to send these pictures of herself to her boyfriend because otherwise he’d look at porn. It’s so sad that she felt that way. It really hit me as an example of how women are demeaned nowadays.

I mean she’s a film star, for crying out loud, and her boyfriend looks at porn?

 

[Sugabee43]

Oh Shugabee, I’m so sorry!!!

My husband does the same thing, tells me it’s his fault and he’s " sick" than the next day its my fault because we don’t do it often enough… Know how much I want to be available for that when I know he’s thinking of the girls I saw on his phone??? Yeah, right! Then when it doesn’t happen for a few days he alludes to me needing to do it or be might be tempted. Feels like blackmail! The sad part, I don’t trust him at all, its crushing because a month ago this time in my ignorant bliss, I thought he hung the moon… In my eyes now, he is a liar, sneaking around, cheating, being a deceitful pervert. And in society’s eyes I shouldn’t worry because he’s coming home to me. Pfffffft! **Gee great, he’s getting all hot n bothered elsewhere and masturbating to save me the trouble of what used to be an intimate and holy relation. The marital act for me has been gutted. I feel like nothing more than a tool for his pleasure. **

I’m especially owly about him today because he got blackout, throw up on yourself, drunk over the weekend at my company Christmas party and made a fool out of both of us in front of all of my coworkers. He binges like that several times a year, its caused many huge fights, once in a while its even physical. That little stunt served him with his second ultimatum in a months time. I love him without question but damn, sometimes he’s hard to like! I went to confession about my part all this and all the orher things its caused me to do and found myself bawling in the confessional, pouring my heart out, and that’s never happened before. I feel a little bit better, now. I just feel, like you, that the end might be coming for us. I would give my life to save our marriage but it takes 2. I can’t do it if he doesn’t want to try. That and for the first time in our marriage I feel like I could’ve done better.

Yep. Totally gutted. I feel for you about the drinking, Farmerswife; that just adds to the mess of it all (no pun intended). Unfortunately, I also feel the same way as you do in regard to your last sentence. I’m grateful for my kids- they’ve made this 23 year journey in the wilderness worth it. I guess if it ever DOES come down to him leaving me, I can tell them without reservation that if it wasn’t for my faith and Catholic Church, we would have parted ways a LONG time ago.

 

[Farmerswife27]

This is why people point out that it shouldn’t be taken personally, because otherwise you might think it’s your fault or it’s because of something you did or didn’t do. And it isn’t.

I remember the saddest thing about that Jennifer Lawrence sex photos scandal was how she said that she needs to send these pictures of herself to her boyfriend because otherwise he’d look at porn. It’s so sad that she felt that way. It really hit me as an example of how women are demeaned nowadays.

I mean she’s a film star, for crying out loud, and her boyfriend looks at porn?

Parts of this are very true but it misses the point: if I was super model, movie star beautiful and my husband was looking at other women I would still feel unattractive. Why? Because ONLY person I want to impress is him and I have failed to do so. A man’s looking at women other than his wife and to masturbation instead of sex can only mean one thing, that is that his wife is not what he wants. It absolutely, positively should be taken personally because it IS personal. there is NOTHING more personal than that, when I am at my most vulnerable. I vowed I would hold only him and he only me and I feel like he broke that covenant. I have spent a lot of time reflecting recently over the chain of events that got me here, and that is the ONLY conclusion I can come to.

I can’t explain why but I just feel like he is still doing it somehow, even with no proof. Just have a gut feeling. Maybe his lack of remorse or something. Even lack of the drive he had before, it seems like he doesn’t try as hard to be intimate with me. Or if he does he isn’t as interested… I learned recently from a podcast that men can recall these images vividly for years, and don’t need to physically see them again to become aroused. There’s no software to track THAT!

Trust is a terrible thing to lose. I’ve learned a lot this past month. Lessons I never wanted to learn. I am currently tossing around the idea of trying to do something proactive to save other couples from this grief I just don’t know where to start. I know I need to sort out my own situation first but then I would like to do something to help.

 

[Farmerswife27]

Yep. Totally gutted. I feel for you about the drinking, Farmerswife; that just adds to the mess of it all (no pun intended). Unfortunately, I also feel the same way as you do in regard to your last sentence. I’m grateful for my kids- they’ve made this 23 year journey in the wilderness worth it. I guess if it ever DOES come down to him leaving me, I can tell them without reservation that if it wasn’t for my faith and Catholic Church, we would have parted ways a LONG time ago.

Yeah I have never been this upset with him, this humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed… I hate to say it, but I feel like I could actually go through with one of the ultimatums now. It almost seems like he thinks that I could too. He has agreed to stop drinking and looking at porn but the trust is gone and it will be a long road to believe him or trust him again.

Yeah the church and our kids are certainly the backbone in my stickng it out with him during other rough patches we have been through but it doesn’t change the feeling that I gave him my youth, my body, even gave up my career for him, and I’ve been received this treatmen in return… I’m just angry today, I’m sure I’ll settle down later but this had been a roller coaster of emotions this month and the only one I have right now is to pop him in the nose for being such a jerk and because of that, I probably shouldn’t be posting!

 

[Sugabee43]

Parts of this are very true but it misses the point: if I was super model, movie star beautiful and my husband was looking at other women I would still feel unattractive. Why? Because ONLY person I want to impress is him and I have failed to do so. A man’s looking at women other than his wife and to masturbation instead of sex can only mean one thing, that is that his wife is not what he wants. It absolutely, positively should be taken personally because it IS personal. there is NOTHING more personal than that, when I am at my most vulnerable. I vowed I would hold only him and he only me and I feel like he broke that covenant. I have spent a lot of time reflecting recently over the chain of events that got me here, and that is the ONLY conclusion I can come to.

I can’t explain why but I just feel like he is still doing it somehow, even with no proof. Just have a gut feeling. Maybe his lack of remorse or something. Even lack of the drive he had before, it seems like he doesn’t try as hard to be intimate with me. Or if he does he isn’t as interested… I learned recently from a podcast that men can recall these images vividly for years, and don’t need to physically see them again to become aroused. There’s no software to track THAT!

Trust is a terrible thing to lose. I’ve learned a lot this past month. Lessons I never wanted to learn. I am currently tossing around the idea of trying to do something proactive to save other couples from this grief I just don’t know where to start. I know I need to sort out my own situation first but then I would like to do something to help.

Kudos to you, Farmerswife. I will hold you and bmaj and all of the other spouses affected in my prayers.

 

[pensmama87]

Parts of this are very true but it misses the point: if I was super model, movie star beautiful and my husband was looking at other women I would still feel unattractive. Why? Because ONLY person I want to impress is him and I have failed to do so. A man’s looking at women other than his wife and to masturbation instead of sex can only mean one thing, that is that his wife is not what he wants. It absolutely, positively should be taken personally because it IS personal. there is NOTHING more personal than that, when I am at my most vulnerable. I vowed I would hold only him and he only me and I feel like he broke that covenant. I have spent a lot of time reflecting recently over the chain of events that got me here, and that is the ONLY conclusion I can come to.

I can’t explain why but I just feel like he is still doing it somehow, even with no proof. Just have a gut feeling. Maybe his lack of remorse or something. Even lack of the drive he had before, it seems like he doesn’t try as hard to be intimate with me. Or if he does he isn’t as interested… I learned recently from a podcast that men can recall these images vividly for years, and don’t need to physically see them again to become aroused. There’s no software to track THAT!

Trust is a terrible thing to lose. I’ve learned a lot this past month. Lessons I never wanted to learn. I am currently tossing around the idea of trying to do something proactive to save other couples from this grief I just don’t know where to start. I know I need to sort out my own situation first but then I would like to do something to help.

I feel for you, but as another woman who can take a lot of things incredibly personally (I almost had a postpartum breakdown this morning over a woman yelling at me through my car window), I want to push on this idea a little bit.

What you are saying in the bolded part is true, but it’s not for the reason that you think. What your husband wants, or anybody who uses pornography wants, is gratification without work. You are a human being, therefore you are work. It is your very dignity which you possess as a child of God that your husband is rejecting - he is too enslaved to his sin for that. When people say to “not take it personally,” (and I agree with you that it is very personal), what they mean is that this is HIS problem, HIS failure. It is about HIS sin, and there is very little we can do to “make” him want to work. (Same goes for all addictions.) Should he want to? Yes. Does it absolutely hurt that he apparently does not? Yes. The thing is, if all we do is focus on that hurt, it drives us crazy and gives the sin even more power over us. It’s hard, but emotional distance is necessary. I would very strongly advise working with a counselor on this, and/or finding a group like Al-Anon to help you figure out the “how” of building that emotional distance.

ETA: I just want to clarify that I am not saying that if you are angry or feel betrayed that it’s your fault. It’s absolutely natural to feel that way. At the same time,* for your own healing*, it’s important to be able to manage your feelings, and not have your feelings be dependent on whether or not your husband ever repents. The very sad reality is that he might not (though I hope and pray that he does!) And it’s not something that will happen all at once and it’s not something you beat yourself up over if you find yourself falling into not helpful thought patterns. But if you dwell on the hurt, it is very likely to eat you alive.

 

[Sugabee43]

I feel for you, but as another woman who can take a lot of things incredibly personally (I almost had a postpartum breakdown this morning over a woman yelling at me through my car window), I want to push on this idea a little bit.

What you are saying in the bolded part is true, but it’s not for the reason that you think. What your husband wants, or anybody who uses pornography wants, is gratification without work. You are a human being, therefore you are work. It is your very dignity which you possess as a child of God that your husband is rejecting - he is too enslaved to his sin for that. When people say to “not take it personally,” (and I agree with you that it is very personal), what they mean is that this is HIS problem, HIS failure. It is about HIS sin, and there is very little we can do to “make” him want to work. (Same goes for all addictions.) Should he want to? Yes. Does it absolutely hurt that he apparently does not? Yes. The thing is, if all we do is focus on that hurt, it drives us crazy and gives the sin even more power over us. It’s hard, but emotional distance is necessary. I would very strongly advise working with a counselor on this, and/or finding a group like Al-Anon to help you figure out the “how” of building that emotional distance.

I can completely agree with this. My husband has actually said to me, OUT LOUD, that it’s “too much work”. Welp. That’s a motivator.

It’s so hard to remember that my worth as a human isn’t dependent on ANY other human’s opinion of me (including mine!). It’s a daily struggle for me to not beat myself up mentally, so I know that plays a huge factor in all of this. But it doesn’t negate my husband’s addiction, or his using my insecurities to hand the ‘fault’ over to me. I have learned to maintain an emotional distance from him, which obviously doesn’t help to maintain a semblance of a relationship. But, if he’s unwilling to quit, and willing to blame me in the process, then that’s what’s going to happen.

 

[PolarGuy]

I hate to break up the pity party among wives here, but OP, despite husband doing something wrong, you need to start moving past this, and it doesn’t appear that you are. Instead, you are just looking backward (“could have done better”), getting angry, etc.

We all get wronged, and sometimes we get wronged in our marriages. Others may wrong us, and that’s on them. How we respond to others is on us, and you have to start moving beyond this – and, candidly, other posters ought to be saying the same thing, not continuing the pity party.

 

[pensmama87]

I hate to break up the pity party among wives here, but OP, despite husband doing something wrong, you need to start moving past this, and it doesn’t appear that you are. Instead, you are just looking backward (“could have done better”), getting angry, etc.

We all get wronged, and sometimes we get wronged in our marriages. Others may wrong us, and that’s on them. How we respond to others is on us, and you have to start moving beyond this – and, candidly, other posters ought to be saying the same thing, not continuing the pity party.

Seems like that’s what I said, although I didn’t use the unnecessarily inflammatory phrase “pity party.”

 

[Farmerswife27]

I hate to break up the pity party among wives here, but OP, despite husband doing something wrong, you need to start moving past this, and it doesn’t appear that you are. Instead, you are just looking backward (“could have done better”), getting angry, etc.

We all get wronged, and sometimes we get wronged in our marriages. Others may wrong us, and that’s on them. How we respond to others is on us, and you have to start moving beyond this – and, candidly, other posters ought to be saying the same thing, not continuing the pity party.

Sometimes women need to vent and commiserate. That might be the only reason men have survived!

Seriously though, I am the OP and I am working through this and moving on as best i can. but it takes time and I’ve had hurdles and setbacks and its not the easiest thing for me. I was doing pretty well until his big drunk this weekend set me back to spitting nails. I’m just reaching the end of my rope, I’ve gone through all the emotions and now I’m just plain tired if it all.

 

[Sugabee43]

Sometimes women need to vent and commiserate. That might be the only reason men have survived!

Seriously though, I am the OP and I am working through this and moving on as best i can. but it takes time and I’ve had hurdles and setbacks and its not the easiest thing for me. I was doing pretty well until his big drunk this weekend set me back to spitting nails. I’m just reaching the end of my rope, I’ve gone through all the emotions and now I’m just plain tired if it all.

What you said.
And Polar Guy, I intellectually understand what you’re saying. But women in this CONTINUING situation need to be able to commiserate with other women in similar scenarios. Both Farmerswife and I have recent hurts that need nurturing. If you don’t like it, don’t read these posts.

 

[LongingSoul]

I hate to break up the pity party among wives here, but OP, despite husband doing something wrong, you need to start moving past this, and it doesn’t appear that you are. Instead, you are just looking backward (“could have done better”), getting angry, etc.

We all get wronged, and sometimes we get wronged in our marriages. Others may wrong us, and that’s on them. How we respond to others is on us, and you have to start moving beyond this – and, candidly, other posters ought to be saying the same thing, not continuing the pity party.

As Sugarbee says, these are ongoing situations and in reality, the fact that a woman is still invested enough to hurt for the situation, to hope for change and care about a better relationship is something to be treated as positive. The reality is that porn addiction is gross to a woman. It kills her respect for her husband eventually and respect is the very thing that makes a man attractive to his wife. Without that aspect, maintaining a marriage going forward involves more tolerance than love and that’s really not sustainable in the long term.

This statement regarding pornography was released 2 weeks ago by the USCCB.

usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity/pornography/upload/Create-in-Me-a-Clean-Heart-Statement-on-Pornography.pdf

To those who have been hurt by their spouse’s pornography use

You are greatly loved by God our Father! You are not alone, nor are you to blame for your
spouse’s pornography use. The Church accompanies you with love and tenderness as you confront this sin and its effects on your marriage and family life. You have been deeply hurt.You feel betrayed, deceived, and even traumatized at finding out about your spouse’s pornography use through their own disclosure or your discovery. You may have faced abuse or violence. If you are in a dangerous environment, remove yourself and your children from any danger and seek help.110 Christ can ultimately heal these wounds, and often it takes time. Seek solace in prayer, in receiving the sacraments, and in eucharistic adoration. Anger at your spouse is natural and often justified, and it can be helpful to have a spiritual director or trained, trustworthy counselor to help you work through powerful emotions.

God wants to heal your marriage. For some of you, your spouse may want to seek help.
The encouragement, unconditional love, and trusting hope of a spouse can be a great source of strength for someone who is struggling to be pure. For those of you whose spouse is in denial or rejects help, know that the Church is here for you. Pray for your spouse’s change of heart and seek opportunities to encourage him or her. Set clear boundaries if possible, such as installing an online monitoring program, clearing the home of any pornography, taking care of your own health, and refusing to be used as an excuse for your spouse’s pornography use. There are support groups and counselors for spouses of addicted persons that can help you in this struggle (see Appendix). Remember, you are not alone! The Church wants to help and encourage you and
asks those brave enough to acknowledge their own experience with this issue to help other hurting spouses in the community.

 

[PolarGuy]

Oh posh ladies - you and I collectively all know how you’d screech and carry on if a group of men said something about how men need to publicly commiserate about women. Further, consider that by doing what you’re doing you’re just creating a double standard between men & women.

Look, I actually agree that the husband did some things wrong, but OP is not making it better and neither are those ladies who are letting her wallow in it.

 

[PolarGuy]

Know what? I don’t want to be a jerk about any of this. OP, if you’d really rather hear only from women, there’s a way to ask, I.e., “I’d really like to hear from wives who’ve dealt with this.” That said, I do think husbands would have something to offer, and I’ve tried in my own way to do that. I sincerely hope your situation works out positively, OP.

 

[Sugabee43]

Oh, good.
and by the way, I for one couldn’t care less if men want to commiserate on a mutual problem; in fact, there’s one on this very forum for men who have sex addictions. And I certainly wouldnt “screech”, either. That term comes off as a tad misogynistic. Would you use that when speaking of a group of men?

 

[PolarGuy]

There are certainly men on this forum who screech. But I’m sorry, I stand behind what I wrote - if anything, your willingness to take offense at my olive branch, to me, totally validates what I wrote. Far from you “not caring less,” you’re still ready to take offense!

 

[PolarGuy]

Look, I’ve offered my opinion that OP needs to move past this. Whether she does or not is up to her - but it’s also up to all the people who are empowering her to do something, whatever that something may be. I hope the third parties will be responsible about doing so, rather than simply “vent” or “commiserate,” as that really helps nothing - it just clouds people’s thinking.