Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

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I want to have another baby too. I really do. Large Catholic families are awesome…it’s a tough spot.
 
AClaire11 said:
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that the new baby idea is mainly a delay tactic because she really does not want to move. And then it will be “We have four children here, are we really going to uproot our four children and move to a place where we have no support system helping out with our large family?” I agree that bringing another child into such a tense marital situation is a terrible idea.** It sounds like she’s completely exhausted and drained by this lifestyle. And I can definitely see how being so overwhelmed could lead to depression and/or resentment. She did agree to this but it’s possible she just can’t handle it any longer.**

And people from other countries frequently post about family members and other people they’re having trouble with to ask for advice. :rolleyes:
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That’s a very good point about the non-Americans posting on CAF about their family situations…

I think your bolded remarks are very good. I’d add that in my experience, one of the problems with being really spread thin and exhausted is that it destroys the problem-solving faculty. Also, the sense of humor.
 
I agree! But it would be better to wait until after this has been resolved.
 
AClaire11 said:
Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that the new baby idea is mainly a delay tactic because she really does not want to move. And then it will be “We have four children here, are we really going to uproot our four children and move to a place where we have no support system helping out with our large family?” I agree that bringing another child into such a tense marital situation is a terrible idea. It sounds like she’s completely exhausted and drained by this lifestyle. And I can definitely see how being so overwhelmed could lead to depression and/or resentment. She did agree to this but it’s possible she just can’t handle it any longer.

And people from other countries frequently post about family members and other people they’re having trouble with to ask for advice. :rolleyes:
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I got that impression too. Now is NOT the time to bring a baby into the mix. A child should never be conceived as a “solution”.
 
Xantippe said:
That’s a very good point about the non-Americans posting on CAF about their family situations…

I think your bolded remarks are very good. I’d add that in my experience, one of the problems with being really spread thin and exhausted is that it destroys the problem-solving faculty. Also, the sense of humor.
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In my experience, as well, and if she’s spread so thin, the idea of having to move with all the stresses that entails is probably just too much.
 
I’d suggest floating the idea of visits to various possible locations and a 1-year trial stay in the new area–but do it in counseling.

I strongly suspect that a counselor will find those ideas very reasonable, especially if it’s clear that you promise to move the family back after the year if she’s not happy with the new location.

Here’s a possible plan to offer in counseling:
  1. Visit and research two or three different locations.
  2. Wife picks.
  3. Move to new location and spend a year there.
  4. Wife decides if you stay or go back to hometown.
That’s a really good deal.
 
I hesitate to mention this, but that last piece of advice from me was freely adapted from my repertoire for dealing with toddlers.

I’ve so much about how to deal with adults from our current 3-year-old.
 
Irishmom2 said:
To cut right to the chase…

Your family needs to move to where you are. Your children need their father in their life full time. Your wife is married to you, not to her family. She needs to learn to depend on you and work things out with you, not them.

Quite simply, you need to live as a complete family, even if that means moving away from your families. That is what grownups do. You leave your families and create your own.

Regardless of what went on in the past, your wife needs to have faith in you now.
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Yes. This.

Yeah it’s hard being so far from family (we are 8 hours away from ours.) Sometimes it’s miserable and really sucks when you need extra helping hands (relatives) or when the marriage has rocky points (we’ve had our fair share) but it’s what God commanded us to do. To “leave father and mother and cling to your spouse and become one flesh.” You can’t be “one” when you live unecessarily far from each other. This is the call of those who are married. Period.
 
Purely with regard to the letters, my entire pre-marriage weekend was based around letter writing and then exchanging and discussing the letters.

It is an excellent way to communicate, because you have an opportunity to express yourself clearly without interruption (even body language from another person in a conversation can influence what you say).

However, both people do have to be on board. I just wanted to echo that it is an established communication technique for difficult topics and it probably takes less time than having a massive argument about the issue (that last part was in response to the poster who suggested that they wouldn’t have time for letter writing :)).
 
ShrodingersCat said:
Purely with regard to the letters, my entire pre-marriage weekend was based around letter writing and then exchanging and discussing the letters.

It is an excellent way to communicate, because you have an opportunity to express yourself clearly without interruption (even body language from another person in a conversation can influence what you say).

However, both people do have to be on board. I just wanted to echo that it is an established communication technique for difficult topics and it probably takes less time than having a massive argument about the issue (that last part was in response to the poster who suggested that they wouldn’t have time for letter writing :)).
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Email might be a more attractive medium these days. I was thinking handwritten letters and dying inside thinking of how I failed to get my Christmas cards out last year and probably the year before, too. And I’m not too sure about the year before that. Anything handwritten has turned into a huge big deal.

Definitely skip the “massive argument.”
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Yes. This.

Yeah it’s hard being so far from family (we are 8 hours away from ours.) Sometimes it’s miserable and really sucks when you need extra helping hands (relatives) or when the marriage has rocky points (we’ve had our fair share) but it’s what God commanded us to do. To “leave father and mother and cling to your spouse and become one flesh.” You can’t be “one” when you live unecessarily far from each other. This is the call of those who are married. Period.
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The OP thinks so, too.

But how would you suggest that he goes about selling his wife on the idea?
 
Xantippe said:
Email might be a more attractive medium these days. I was thinking handwritten letters and dying inside thinking of how I failed to get my Christmas cards out last year and probably the year before, too. And I’m not too sure about the year before that. Anything handwritten has turned into a huge big deal.

Definitely skip the “massive argument.”
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Oh my, good point. I think I got ours written and sent on on 1/20 last year. Maybe I should start now on this year’s…🙂
 
Xantippe said:
The OP thinks so, too.

But how would you suggest that he goes about selling his wife on the idea?
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I don’t know. It takes a great deal of maturity and dying to self. Having a spiritual advisor, making some church friends and even having periodic counseling has helped me. Cell phones, texting, Skype, FaceTime, etc. with the family really helps too. Has she ever individuated from family yet? Or has she always lived close by? :confused:

Also, having some faith in God and each other that divorce will never ever under any circumstances be an option. Firm commitment to each other and your marriage vows and living a practicing, sacramental life in the Church is ESSENTIAL!
 
What I think is true is that there is some benefit in not doing a lot of back and forth if it’s not productive, and email is unfortunately conducive to that.

But it is true that you will get more thought-out answers in print and less repetitious emoting.

Maybe this is another job for the counselor? He or she can set some ground rules for you for an email exchange to keep it productive.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
I don’t know. It takes a great deal of maturity and dying to self. Having a spiritual advisor, making some church friends and even having periodic counseling has helped me. Cell phones, texting, Skype, FaceTime, etc. with the family really helps too. Has she ever individuated from family yet? Or has she always lived close by? :confused:
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The friend thing is actually a problem, as it sounds like she has church friends in their current town.

That’s just one more thing that she’s going to lose if they move.

She has to believe that this is better for her and better for their nuclear family–there needs to be at least a little brownie next to the green beans.

If she doesn’t believe that the move is going to be a good thing and isn’t committed to making it work, there’s no point in moving her to a town that she’s decided to hate–that could be worse than staying. She’s got to believe in the move if the move is going to be a success.

Here’s another idea for the OP–make a point of researching your different options and keeping a big master list of advantages of each location. You probably don’t want to pull it out right now, but I think you’ll need it eventually. (Example: City X has a Legoland! There’s a nice zoo! There’s a children’s museum! Cousin Betsy lives there!)

Even a distant relative or old friend could be a great resource in a new location. When we moved to TX, it happened that a second cousin of mine that I hadn’t seen in probably 20 years was living there–it helped a lot in the transition to be able to hang out with her and get her advice.
 
Xantippe said:
I’d suggest floating the idea of visits to various possible locations and a 1-year trial stay in the new area–but do it in counseling.

I strongly suspect that a counselor will find those ideas very reasonable, especially if it’s clear that you promise to move the family back after the year if she’s not happy with the new location.

Here’s a possible plan to offer in counseling:
  1. Visit and research two or three different locations.
  2. Wife picks.
  3. Move to new location and spend a year there.
  4. Wife decides if you stay or go back to hometown.
That’s a really good deal.
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I’d push to make it more than one year. We’ve been in our current city for almost 3 years and it’s only in the last year that I’ve really started to feel comfortable and consider staying.
 
AClaire11 said:
I’d push to make it more than one year. We’ve been in our current city for almost 3 years and it’s only in the last year that I’ve really started to feel comfortable and consider staying.
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I agree that it takes a while, but the sticky thing is that a year is probably all that the OP has a hope of getting as a deal. If his wife has bought into the idea and is making a good faith effort of making a life there, a year is all it takes (especially with kids in school). And if she hasn’t bought into the move, then three years won’t work, either.

Also, two years later, their oldest will be that much bigger and that much harder to move (socially speaking).
 
A year isn’t a lot, but that’s the point–that it’s not a major investment on his wife’s part (aside from packing and unpacking).

You can do practically anything for a year.
 
Wings said:
My wife is extremely resistant to a move. **She is concerned that our children will be farther from their grandparents and cousins (currently an 80 minute drive away from us). We have had marriage struggles in the past, and she is concerned that I won’t be the loving husband she needs to lean on while she is so far from her family. At times in the past, I have let the stress of my work (and my commute) boil over and reflect on my family. ** While I am far from perfect, I recognize this tendency and am sincerely doing everything I can to improve. Over the past few years, I have improved a great deal, but I could always do better. We have discussed this many times, and she acknowledges this improvement (and accepts my sincere apologies). While I recognize the struggles of the past, I can’t help but feel depressed that my presence in the lives of my family appears to be less important than the presence of extended family.
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In post 73 you indicated that a lack of trust was a major problem in your relationship. You also noted that an attempt to spend an hour as a couple without children did not go well.
In your opening post you noted a history of boiling over.
If there is a history of domestic violence (I am mentioning this as, if it is the case, it might explain a reticence to leave existing support networks), then it may take quite a bit of time to convince your wife that your boiling over days are past and it is safe to leave the support of friends and family.
Indeed, suggestions of such a move, may be perceived as threatening the security of her and the children.
As current communication is quite tense, counseling would be a good first step, but I wonder if it might be best to drop the issue of relocation until the basic trust isssues are resolved?
May God bless you and your wife and your children.
Amen.
 
Is there a way you can provide a mother’s helper (either now or later) to allow your wife social time?
 
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