Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[Wings]

Thank you for clarifying, and thank you for your prayers.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Ok wings,
I caught up on the thread. I have wanted to respond for days!

I am going to be the poster who is in the DO NOT move camp.
I stay at home and homeschool with 5 kids. My wife was in a very specialized scientific field and she had a great opportunity for us to make a ton of money. She was offered a job by a large biotech company and we moved sight unseen 1800 miles from “home”. Within two weeks we knew it was the worst decision we ever made and we spent the next two years trying to get back home. My wife had to leave her field of science to make it happen. It was incredibly lonely for me specifically to be away from my family and area of the country. It was hard on our family, our marriage and most importantly our health. The money was great but the cost was too much. My wife would of course rather be working in her old field. But this is so much better for us. One example was when my wife went into labor with our fifth we had to have the choir director at church watch our children. We didn’t even know her last name. I can tell that your marriage and your wife’s comfort level and trust may not be as strong as it should be for this.

I know it’s lame but if you have ever seen the film “devil’s advocate” there is a scene in there where the main character chases a career and the vows to help his marriage and wife later.
I get that vibe here.
You need to stay “home” and if your job does not enable you to do that you need to find a situation that is acceptable.
This is setting up for a resentful marriage and a disaster. Please think this through.

You are kind of an absentee dad. To remedy that you wish to make your wife uncomfortable. Yikes!

 

[1990Domer]

Wings,

I’m just curious. Was your wife on board with you taking this dream job when it was offered? And can I ask how long you have been in this job?

As I mentioned, although not as bad, my DH has an 80 minute commute each way to work because he got laid off. There are nights he has to stay over because the workload demand is just too heavy for him to make the trip home and back. Tonight is one of those nights. My support system (my parents) is mostly verbal, as they are up in age and can no longer drive down to see me. I am struggling with severe neck problems, which makes helping my son (he has mild Aspergers and anxiety but still requires therapy) sometimes more than my neck will allow me.

While I would not call this my DH’s dream job, his talent at his new company has finally been recognized and rewarded. He’s gotten a lot of accolades for his research. But, his commute is taking a toll on the three of us. I can’t see him in this job for 5 more years, let alone the 19 that would take him to retirement.

I will pray for your family that you can all see a path comfortable for all of you.

 

[newlywed8]

I completely agree with everyone who has said to continue with the marriage counseling-- that does seem to be the most important factor here. I am concerned, however, that your continued absence will only make building a strong foundation in the relationship more challenging.

Is there any way you could compromise by splitting the time, particularly if you will be homeschooling the children?

For example, you say that you spend a lot on hotels. How is the COL in the areas you want to move compared to the place where you current are? Could you perhaps buy a small home in the new area, but maintain a modest apartment in the old area-- or even just do long term rentals when you return? Your wife and children can spend most of the school year by you then spend 3 months of the summer back in the old town, maybe even closer to her family? Or maybe she spends 4-5 months by her family, and you compile your vacation time and do a nice family educational trip in the middle?

 

[Xantippe]

I completely agree with everyone who has said to continue with the marriage counseling-- that does seem to be the most important factor here. I am concerned, however, that your continued absence will only make building a strong foundation in the relationship more challenging.

Is there any way you could compromise by splitting the time, particularly if you will be homeschooling the children?

For example, you say that you spend a lot on hotels. How is the COL in the areas you want to move compared to the place where you current are? Could you perhaps buy a small home in the new area, but maintain a modest apartment in the old area-- or even just do long term rentals when you return? Your wife and children can spend most of the school year by you then spend 3 months of the summer back in the old town, maybe even closer to her family? Or maybe she spends 4-5 months by her family, and you compile your vacation time and do a nice family educational trip in the middle?

Those are very interesting proposals.

Normally, it wouldn’t be practical, but if the OP’s income is good, it might actually be feasible to maintain a small second home (apartment or condo) in the old area–maybe even closer to family than currently.

 

[Wings]

I don’t make enough income to maintain two homes. After a good amount of time, that might be possible.

So far counseling has been ineffective. We’ve been going for a few months and the topic of moving is completely off limits. I have a very strong feeling that I’m being strung along until the kids are “too old to move.”

A trip to visit a prospective new location was vetoed, so we spent a week as a family in Rome instead. It was an amazing time where we conquered many challenges, together, as a family. Now that we are home, all I hear is about are the “bad parts” of that trip. I feel like I will never measure up.

I had the day off on Thanksgiving, but spent it alone on the road due to the time required to travel back home. This isn’t seen as a problem, just as a normal part of life.

The kids are all that’s keeping us together. I love my children and can’t bear the thought of our relationship hurting them.

Please pray for us.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t make enough income to maintain two homes. After a good amount of time, that might be possible.

So far counseling has been ineffective. We’ve been going for a few months and the topic of moving is completely off limits. I have a very strong feeling that I’m being strung along until the kids are “too old to move.”

A trip to visit a prospective new location was vetoed, so we spent a week as a family in Rome instead. It was an amazing time where we conquered many challenges, together, as a family. Now that we are home, all I hear is about are the “bad parts” of that trip. I feel like I will never measure up.

I had the day off on Thanksgiving, but spent it alone on the road due to the time required to travel back home. This isn’t seen as a problem, just as a normal part of life.

The kids are all that’s keeping us together. I love my children and can’t bear the thought of our relationship hurting them.

Please pray for us.

Bummer.

How about introducing the idea of reciprocity and turn-taking into your counseling? For example, you as a family do a trip that she wants to do, and then you as a family do a trip that you want to do (for example, to scout out a new area).

You guys did very well to manage Rome with little kids–does your wife understand what an accomplishment that is? My youngest is a big 4, and I wouldn’t even consider that type of trip for a couple years (finances aside).

 

[Wings]

Bummer.

How about introducing the idea of reciprocity and turn-taking into your counseling? For example, you as a family do a trip that she wants to do, and then you as a family do a trip that you want to do (for example, to scout out a new area).

You guys did very well to manage Rome with little kids–does your wife understand what an accomplishment that is? My youngest is a big 4, and I wouldn’t even consider that type of trip for a couple years (finances aside).

I appreciate that idea, thank you!

Rome is a wildly overwhelming place, but we were prepared! It turns out little kids LOVE ruins. Our favorite spot was the ancient port of Ostia Antica. It offered acres of room to roam and be kids while treading the paths of the ancient Romans. Oh, and gelato every night!

 

[Wings]

And I agree that was a major accomplishment for us as a FAMILY, given our recent struggles. When we unite and stick together, we can do anything!

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Sorry to hear that you are still stuck in this dilemma though I am glad you are making some progress. Praying for you.

 

[StGerardMajella]

This is what I do, what I’m good at, and what I love. To pursue another career at this point would be a monumental decrease in career expectation, earning potential, and happiness.

I don’t buy this argument. There are plenty of good, high quality, high paying jobs that could match your current “dream job”. It would require some work on your part to get there. It’s simply a matter of diligent research, attitude, and how aggressively you want to find a more suitable situation. It requires you to adapt, change, and think outside-the-box.

Personally, I think your situation is a matter of priorities and goals. Right now, point blank, you are placing your career ahead of your family. You love the money that comes with the “dream job”, even if that comes at the expense of your family’s well-being.

In today’s economy, your “dream job” can be short-lived, but you will be living with the consequences of being away from your immediate family for the rest of your life. Companies downsize, rightsize, move offshore, go bankrupt, and restructure all the time. There is no job security. And changes can happen in an instant.

If you can’t convince your wife to move, then you need a new career, even if it means earning less money for the short-term. Or, you need to accept the fact that your children will grow up with an absentee father figure, and you will have to deal with the long-term consequences of that decision.

Either way, your actions speak volumes about your priorities.

 

[Xantippe]

I appreciate that idea, thank you!

Rome is a wildly overwhelming place, but we were prepared! It turns out little kids LOVE ruins. Our favorite spot was the ancient port of Ostia Antica. It offered acres of room to roam and be kids while treading the paths of the ancient Romans. Oh, and gelato every night!

Very nice!

I think I would work on the assumption that your wife is probably at least somewhat depressed. About a quarter of SAHMs are.

metroparent.com/daily/parenting/parenting-issues-tips/stay-home-moms-depressed-angry-sad-study-says/

I would suggest that she ask to do a depression screening the next time she sees her doctor, and make it soon.

Also, I think I would talk in counseling about your wife’s difficulty in seeing things positively and enjoying things. Try not to feel like this is about you–it sounds like she’s looking at the world with smudgy glasses, so everything looks hard and bad. I think that is probably the core problem right now–if she felt more positive about life and more on top of things, a move might not feel like such an insurmountable problem.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Very nice!

I think I would work on the assumption that your wife is probably at least somewhat depressed. About a quarter of SAHMs are.

metroparent.com/daily/parenting/parenting-issues-tips/stay-home-moms-depressed-angry-sad-study-says/

I would suggest that she ask to do a depression screening the next time she sees her doctor, and make it soon.

Also, I think I would talk in counseling about your wife’s difficulty in seeing things positively and enjoying things. Try not to feel like this is about you–it sounds like she’s looking at the world with smudgy glasses, so everything looks hard and bad. I think that is probably the core problem right now–if she felt more positive about life and more on top of things, a move might not feel like such an insurmountable problem.

You may be right. But it also may just be a difference of personalities. When I read about the trip to Rome I though it was not good. I’ve been to Italy and Rome, I go on vacations to relax, if I went on a trip, and we had to overcome many challenges that would mean things went poorly. That happens sometimes but it can also be incredibly annoying when someone keeps forcing the glass half full outlook on you. I got the very distinct impression it was like Clark Grizwold. In the national lampoon series.
If I was struggling with my spouse and their want to move for a career and and adventure and they kept saying that obstacles make us stronger then I would question the direction of leadership.

I’m also concerned this is still an issue after many months.

What can the op do to help his wife and children?

 

[Wings]

I don’t buy this argument. There are plenty of good, high quality, high paying jobs thatcould match your current “dream job”. It would require some work on your part to get there.

Are you sure?

Not only work, it would also require my wife to go back to work while I go to school. And food stamps. We’ve done that before, I’d just prefer to avoid going there again.

Personally, I think your situation is a matter of priorities and goals. Right now, point blank, you are placing your career ahead of your family. You love the money that comes with the “dream job”, even if that comes at the expense of your family’s well-being.

At this level of my career, my current job would allow me to have more free time at home than any other job that I know of (other than being an entrepreneur)…as long as I don’t spend all that time traveling to and from work. Is that a negative to my family’s well-being?

If you can’t convince your wife to move, then you need a new career, even if it means earning less money for the short-term.

I’ve been working on this career for ten years, and we’ve been married for seven. She hasn’t told me I need to find a new profession before, because she knew that was what I did from day one. I’ve minimized the moving as much as humanly possible. Now that the kids are older and I have some stability, I want to be the best father for my family whole still providing for their needs. And I’m supposed to start completely over (which will be an immense financial and time challenge for our young family) because she doesn’t want to move to any one of 7 cities in the US?

Once I go through all the education and training to find a new job that has me working “normal” hours and stresses me out, will she be happy then? Given the current situation, how would I know the answer to that question before it was too late and I’ve already given up everything WE as a FAMILY have been working toward all these years?

 

[pianistclare]

This thread has been going for a long time:
Did you say of your wife is wiling to undergo counseling?
Something else just be going on with her…seven cities, and NONE are a fit?

Be assured of our prayers for your family.

 

[Wings]

Either way, your actions speak volumes about your priorities.

As the family breadwinner, this statement is hurtful to me. I’ve sacrificed a great deal over the years (as has my family) to obtain the best possible job in my field, so I could feed my family and be home with them as much as possible.

 

[Wings]

This thread has been going for a long time:
Did you say of your wife is wiling to undergo counseling?
Something else just be going on with her…seven cities, and NONE are a fit?

Be assured of our prayers for your family.

We have been in counseling for a few months now and haven’t made progress.

Her doctor diagnosed her with depression of some form and prescribed anti-depressants recently. I don’t know if she is taking them.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[heidi_storage]

As the family breadwinner, this statement is hurtful to me. I’ve sacrificed a great deal over the years (as has my family) to obtain the best possible job in my field, so I could feed my family and be home with them as much as possible.

Notice that this poster is in a minority. I think most of the posters on here are sympathetic to the fact that you’re trying to do the best you can for your family, and would not encourage you to chuck up your career to start all over again.

 

[Xantippe]

We have been in counseling for a few months now and haven’t made progress.

**Her doctor diagnosed her with depression of some form and prescribed anti-depressants recently. ** I don’t know if she is taking them.

Thank you for your prayers.

There you go.

I don’t think that until there’s some progress on the depression that it makes sense to try to move her. That is the priority.

Don’t feel bad about asking her if she’s taken her medication. I wonder if there’s a book out there aimed at the spouse of a depressed person? Also, I wonder if there’s any specific counseling approach that would be helpful for the spouse of a depressed person?

 

[Xantippe]

One thing you might want to talk to a counselor about (individually) is to what extent it makes sense to bring your wife’s family on board with dealing with her depression.

If there are good relationships there, they could nudge her in the right direction.

I believe that moving/relocation can trigger depression all by itself (google suggests that it can–believe it or not, moving companies talk about this!), so I would be very hesitant to attempt to move her if she isn’t doing well now in a relatively familiar area and if she doesn’t find her relationship with you a major source of support.

It really sounds like you guys are on very different pages right now–you’re living the dream (except for the travel and home issues) while she’s spiraling down and is unable to enjoy even what ought to be very positive experiences.