Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[ThePCWife]

Is there a way you can provide a mother’s helper (either now or later) to allow your wife social time?

Yeah, or an au pair. It’s a cultural exchange program, so you get 20ish young women from all over the world who would probably greatly enjoy the interesting lifestyle your family offers.

 

[Wings]

If she doesn’t believe that the move is going to be a good thing and isn’t committed to making it work, there’s no point in moving her to a town that she’s decided to hate–that could be worse than staying. She’s got to believe in the move if the move is going to be a success.

Here’s another idea for the OP–make a point of researching your different options and keeping a big master list of advantages of each location. You probably don’t want to pull it out right now, but I think you’ll need it eventually. (Example: City X has a Legoland! There’s a nice zoo! There’s a children’s museum! Cousin Betsy lives there!)

Even a distant relative or old friend could be a great resource in a new location. When we moved to TX, it happened that a second cousin of mine that I hadn’t seen in probably 20 years was living there–it helped a lot in the transition to be able to hang out with her and get her advice.

Thank you, I completely agree that the move must be “sold” before we do it. I will definitely begin a list of pros and cons as well.

Has she ever individuated from family yet? Or has she always lived close by? :confused

She has always lived close by.

Here’s a possible plan to offer in counseling:

1. Visit and research two or three different locations.
2. Wife picks.
3. Move to new location and spend a year there.
4. Wife decides if you stay or go back to hometown.

That’s a really good deal.

I see the logic here, but I believe the likelihood of us moving right back where we are in this scenario is extremely high.

Let me put it this way: If I believed that it was possible to be the great father and husband this family deserves where we live right now, I would never have brought this up. This is obviously an extremely contentious issue, and I do all I can to avoid conflict.

If we move back to where we are after a year, I will become the absentee dad and husband for the next 30 years. It’s impossible for me to be in two places at once. I know I’m dug in a bit here, but If that happens, it would be heartbreaking, since I would effectively be cut out of my family’s life for 2/3 of the month, by my wife’s choosing. I don’t know that I could bear it. Unfortunately, I can’t come up with other alternatives if the “trial move” phase was a failure.

If there is a history of domestic violence (I am mentioning this as, if it is the case, it might explain a reticence to leave existing support networks), then it may take quite a bit of time to convince your wife that your boiling over days are past and it is safe to leave the support of friends and family.

There is no history of domestic violence. Our marriage has been rocky (have been in counseling once before, stopped when I left a previous job that had me on the road non-stop and family life instantly improved).

Is there a way you can provide a mother’s helper (either now or later) to allow your wife social time?

When I’m home, my wife has most mornings all to herself. If further help was needed in a new city, I would absolutely work a little extra to provide this for her.

 

[Wings]

1. How about adding up for your wife all the extra money spending that happens to pay for your extra travel? It’s got to be large. She may not realize how big it is.

Once you have a number, you can tell her (at the counselor’s office) something like this,

“We’re spending X dollars a month so that I can commute to a job 800 miles away. If we weren’t spending that X dollars a month on me commuting, we could [name something that wife has always wanted to do but you were coming up short for].”

Good luck!

Yes it is expensive. The amount I spend per month on hotels is over 30% of our mortgage payment. And that’s cutting every corner possible.

She knows this but it is at least partially offset by us living in an area with a lower cost of living versus any base city we would be moving to.

I do like the idea of mentioning what that money could go to though, and how she could enjoy that.

 

[Wings]

Yeah, or an au pair. It’s a cultural exchange program, so you get 20ish young women from all over the world who would probably greatly enjoy the interesting lifestyle your family offers.

Good idea! We might have to work on the “interesting” part though.

 

[Xantippe]

I see the logic here, but I believe the likelihood of us moving right back where we are in this scenario is extremely high.

Let me put it this way: If I believed that it was possible to be the great father and husband this family deserves where we live right now, I would never have brought this up. This is obviously an extremely contentious issue, and I do all I can to avoid conflict.

If we move back to where we are after a year, I will become the absentee dad and husband for the next 30 years. It’s impossible for me to be in two places at once. I know I’m dug in a bit here, but If that happens, it would be heartbreaking, since I would effectively be cut out of my family’s life for 2/3 of the month, by my wife’s choosing. I don’t know that I could bear it. Unfortunately, I can’t come up with other alternatives if the “trial move” phase was a failure.

1. Do you see the problem with what you just said?

You believe that your wife would very likely hate the new location and want to leave after a year, but you want her to live in the new location anyway for “the next 30 years”.



At least the way you’re setting this up, it’s very symmetrical–either you suffer for 30 years, or she suffers for 30 years. You guys need to break through this and create a win-win option of some kind.

1. I think there is some element of catastrophizing in this “next 30 years” talk, and I suspect that you are both guilty of it. For one thing, do you honestly think that you’ll have exactly this job for the next 30 years? If you don’t have at least one layoff in the next 10-20 years, I’ll eat a stack of boarding passes. Here’s a list of airline bankruptcies:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Airline_bankruptcies_in_the_United_States

With the near certainty that you will eventually be laid off or face some sort of career-ending physical disability, it does actually make sense on some level not to pull up stakes.

1. You’re probably not going to have minor children at home for the next 30 years–or at least by that time, if you have a large family, most of your kids will be out and grown. Do the math–if you’ve got a five-year-old, that child will be 35 in 30 years. So it won’t be your wife keeping you away from that kid.
2. You’d only be cut out of your children’s life by your wife’s choosing 1/3 of the month. The other 1/3 is your career choice. Don’t blame her for the full 2/3.
3. If I were you, I’d be most concerned about moving the ball. You’re dug in. Your wife is dug in. Create some sort of positive movement with the help of a therapist.

Also, it doesn’t need to happen right this instant. If you made a move in 1-2 years, that could work fine, too. (I’d be very leery of moving after 4th grade, though, and certainly not in the (EEK) middle school years.) Nothing is on fire. Keep calm!

Good luck!

 

[AClaire11]

…

Unfortunately, I can’t come up with other alternatives if the “trial move” phase was a failure.

I know you’ve shot this down before, but you could always look at different career options. That is an option, and one I think should at least be seriously considered if the trial move fails (or in and of itself, actually), unless your career is more important than your marriage.

When I’m home, my wife has most mornings all to herself. If further help was needed in a new city, I would absolutely work a little extra to provide this for her.

I think they meant during the 2/3 of the month when you’re NOT home and she’s left on her own with all the kids and her extended family over an hour away.

 

[Wings]

I think they meant during the 2/3 of the month when you’re NOT home and she’s left on her own with all the kids and her extended family over an hour away.

Sure. Whatever it takes. If I need to pick up an extra day here and there to pay for it, that’s money well spent.

 

[Xantippe]

Wings,

I took the liberty of looking at your old threads. There weren’t a lot of them, but there were two from 2011 about trouble with co-sleeping. That was a long time ago, but it feels like there’s a continuing pattern with the two of you having a lot of trouble with compromise and problem solving.

There was something about your wife having postpartum depression in one of the 2011 threads. How old is your youngest right now, and do you think your wife might be having postpartum depression again?

 

[Xantippe]

I just remembered that when my husband and I did our last big inter-state move, we did it as a trial thing.

The reason I forgot was that we settled in so rapidly that I forgot that that had ever been the plan.

A good school and a good parish helps A LOT.

 

[Wings]

Wings,

I took the liberty of looking at your old threads. There weren’t a lot of them, but there were two from 2011 about trouble with co-sleeping. That was a long time ago, but it feels like there’s a continuing pattern with the two of you having a lot of trouble with compromise and problem solving.

There was something about your wife having postpartum depression in one of the 2011 threads. How old is your youngest right now, and do you think your wife might be having postpartum depression again?

Our youngest is 18 months. Both she and I believe that any depression she feels is a direct result of our relationship, though she has been diagnosed with postpartum depression in the past. I don’t say that to downplay the diagnosis, that’s what she has told me and I believe her. I don’t know how long postpartum depression could linger.

The co-sleeping issue has been solved by her sleeping in our room with the baby and me sleeping in the living room recliner. Try as I may, that is not something I enjoy doing in the least. But I have learned that it’s not worth fighting for. With me home as little as I am, it makes me all the more resistant to having another child.

 

[Wings]

A good school and a good parish helps A LOT.

Number one priority. For both of us.

 

[ThePCWife]

Our youngest is 18 months. Both she and I believe that any depression she feels is a direct result of our relationship, though she has been diagnosed with postpartum depression in the past. I don’t say that to downplay the diagnosis, that’s what she has told me and I believe her. I don’t know how long postpartum depression could linger.

The co-sleeping issue has been solved by her sleeping in our room with the baby and me sleeping in the recliner. Try as I may, that is not something I enjoy doing in the least. But I have learned that it’s not worth fighting for. With me home as little as I am, it makes me all the more resistant to having another child.

A good twin mattress is 80-100$ at St. Vincent De Paul’s or many other stores. .

 

[Xantippe]

Our youngest is 18 months. Both she and I believe that any depression she feels is a direct result of our relationship, though she has been diagnosed with postpartum depression in the past. I don’t say that to downplay the diagnosis, that’s what she has told me and I believe her. I don’t know how long postpartum depression could linger.

The co-sleeping issue has been solved by her sleeping in our room with the baby and me sleeping in the living room recliner. Try as I may, that is not something I enjoy doing in the least. But I have learned that it’s not worth fighting for. With me home as little as I am, it makes me all the more resistant to having another child.

Lawdamercy!

Stick with marriage counseling until you get this stuff all ironed out.

Where your family lives is the least of your issues at this point.

 

[Wings]

Lawdamercy!

Stick with marriage counseling until you get this stuff all ironed out.

Where your family lives is the least of your issues at this point.

Co-sleeping nearly tore us apart in and of itself. I’m not going there again. Especially not here.

We have a spare bedroom but it’s downstairs which would place the burden of dealing with the older children’s aches and pains and such that come up all on her own. I don’t want that and truly don’t mind helping them with such things.

 

[Xantippe]

Have you talked to the pediatrician with your wife about this stuff?

My husband and I have done lots of musical beds ourselves early on (0-3 months my husband often enjoys a nice quiet baby-free room), but at some point, husband and baby reverse. Husband moves back in, baby moves out to the nursery.

Granted, my kids are all unusually good sleepers by 3-6 months.

I feel like there’s a lot of room for improvement in the 10 days a month that you are currently home before taking this show on the road.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree.
When this thread first began, I was all for moving because of the great potential and earning power that would benefit your family.

But since then, so many issues within the family and marital structure have surfaced, that I can’t fathom that you two would still be together if you relocated.

You’ve told us that she has an 80 mile away support structure that’s more important to her than living under the same roof
That you sleep in the recliner at times.
That she doesn’t really miss you all that much ( or in so many words) when you travel.
That she wants to have a baby so that she will have a reason to decline relocating.
And that you see everything as a small blip on that radar screen, in the path to your happiness at your dream job.



Counseling.
Get to the root of the problems. It might not be the move, the job, or the kids at all.

Do you worship together when you can? Do you attend Mass while you’re away?
I’d put a loving home life right up there with finding a nice parish.

Be assured of our prayers.

 

[Wings]

We worship together when we can. We’ve been able to do that twice in the last four months.

I don’t miss Sunday Mass and go to confession regularly. Far and away, the parish in my base city has seen me the most of late. Those are all potential Sundays with family that are instead spent alone on my off time.

Sleeping in the recliner happens for the first 12ish months of a newborn child’s life. I cannot change this. I brought it up with the pediatrician once and faced monumental backlash for doing so.

How can continuing to live like this be a long term proposition? I’m not seeing it.

 

[Wings]

And that you see everything as a small blip on that radar screen, in the path to your happiness at your dream job.

:confused
Do you worship together when you can? Do you attend Mass while you’re away?
I’d put a loving home life right up there with finding a nice parish.

Be assured of our prayers.

I never said that. Is it a requirement that I go get a new degree to find a lower paying job that I don’t enjoy in order to be considered a good family man? Is it even a good idea? Is it a requirement that I change the career I’ve always had since I met my wife so we can live near the in-laws?

We place a priority on worshiping together when I’m home. We’ve been able to do that twice in the last four months. I always attend Mass and confession while away.

 

[Wings]

My “dream job” pays all the bills and keeps our family going.

 

[pianistclare]

My “dream job” pays all the bills and keeps our family going.

You misunderstand. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a dream job. We should all be so fortunate.

The job is not the issue dear one.
Your relationship is what needs attention. Your family situation will crumble if not examined sooner than later. At that point, the bills will be the least of your worries.

It’s a great job, to be sure. But if you wife doesn’t hold that job at the same place on the happiness continuum, it won’t matter. This is something you both have to agree on. The fact that she is willing to do ANYTHING to stay put…isn’t going to make your time away from them very happy. Why does she feel this way?
That’s what you have to figure out.
You’ve got the breadwinning thing figured out.
But living and a happy marriage where both parties feel secure constitutes more than that.
Clearly she’s unhappy. Is this justified? Is it fixable?
We don’t know, and frankly we don’t need to know.
But you do.

Be assured of our prayers.
Peace.