Moving Out of State--Major Marital Struggle

[pianistclare]

Since the OP isn’t clarifying anything, 2 things come to mind:

1. IF he is a pilot…the whole family flies for free anywhere, pretty much anytime.
2. Sounds like she doesn’t really miss him those 20 days a month.

The whole scenario is off.

 

[EasterJoy]

She’s being asked to pick up more slack if they move–no wonder she’s not excited about it.

I think it’s not a great thing to bring up the D-word if it’s not on the table.

The OP needs to demonstrate to his wife that she will have a better quality of life if the family moves–that it’s not just about making his life easier.

Asking an attorney how a court would interpret his family situation in the event of a future unilateral divorce filing is not “bringing up the D-word.”

He may be pursuing a career that, fairly or not, could not only destroy his marriage but also leave him vulnerable to losing his children. An attorney could explain to him how a family court would look at this situation, should his wife decide to call it quits. His wife can do that. She does not need his permission. How many poor guys have come onto this board having gone through that shocking loss?

His wife has expressed more concern over losing her external support system than she has about losing time on earth with him. That is a red flag–she does not see him as her primary emotional mainstay. He could be becoming the problem, not the solution, in her emotional world. It could be that a court would agree with her assessment. He needs to take stock of his own priorities, not just his wife’s, and not just assume he knows where those have been.

Someone mentioned the Five Love Languages, for instance. What if he has been sacrificing to give his wife a better life and she feels instead as if he’s been ignoring her needs? That’s an aircraft called Rude Awakening on Runway 1.

He may need to understand fully what the stakes are, here. If his wife cannot or will not do what it takes to support his career aspirations, he may have a choice to make that he didn’t want to have. He’d do well to know where his choices could lead, quite without his consent. He may prefer to get his wake-up call now, rather than later.

 

[Wings]

I strongly recommend confession and rosaries (in that order) to defeat Satan on this front. Speaking from personal experience, long-term, confessing the same sin the second or third time to the SAME PRIEST is a very good start on that front.

While it is challenging for me to attend confession with the same priest due to my travel, I go to confession regularly. Confession has directly helped us through troubles we’ve had in the past, multiple times. Great suggestion, thank you.

 

[Wings]

I think you need to put some more on the table. For instance, would the kids be able to go to better schools than currently? Would she be able to go visit family frequently/fly out her mom? Or would you be able to offer her more sitter time/preschool/parents’ daiy out/housecleaning help?

Thank you for your response.

Our oldest currently attends a GREAT Catholic school. Her first day of kindergarten was today. I’m happy that I was able to bike with her to school, sad that I had to leave town before she came home. Just part of the deal right now though.

Should we move, a strong parish with a good school is a HUGE priority for all of us. It’s also possible we would try homeschooling (this was my wife’s idea). While I’m a bit intimidated by that possibility, it’s also one that highly intrigues me. I taught my daughter to read this summer and that has been such a wonderful thing for us to share together. If we homeschool, my career would allow for the possibility of free or nearly free cross country (or international) field trips to see the world and learn about many different things firsthand. I don’t know if people actually do that, but travel, especially internationally, is something my wife and I want to share with our children.

The current “front runner” city to move to is one 2-hour flight leg from where we currently live. Then it would be an 80 minute drive. Not bad…but no picnic, especially with children in tow, on standby. She gets Unlimited free travel, as do the kids…as long as there’s an empty seat. I would be very amenable to working an extra day or two to pay for some round trip tickets for her and the kids to use several times per year (would have to discuss what number she thought was appropriate and the financial sacrifice with her) to go back and see family. Naturally, I would be fine with going back too, as my schedule permitted.

I would absolutely be able to offer more help around the home if I was home more. Currently when I come home I spend virtually every free moment fixing what is broken, cooking the meals, helping with cleaning, taking kids (or myself) to the doctor/dentist, etc. I would continue to do those things so that we could have more time “free and clear” to pursue other family interests that might be more fun!

 

[Wings]

There are other jobs and other industries.

The OP’s handle is “Wings”–I suspect that a lot of his identity is wrapped up in his profession. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that sometimes, when people are pursuing their dreams, they forget how many sacrifices the people back home are making to help their dream happen…

I suggest offering a trial move–they move to the new area (and the OP’s wife does not do the move alone!) and rent for a year, and if his wife isn’t happy with the new place, they move back. And stick to that deal.

His wife probably feels like she is sinking, and he is taking away her life preserver.

OP, sweeten the deal.

Thank you for your response.

My wife and family have indeed made monstrous sacrifices for me (us, really) to reach this point. While I think we have both been surprised at the stress of this transition, I also know she was very excited for us to achieve this goal, together.

Since I married my wife 7 years ago, I’ve interviewed 8 times, worked for 4 different companies, and been based in 7 different cities. We have had several “lean years” (airline pilots don’t make as much money as everyone thinks they do) along the way, but always made the best of it. I briefly worked for a private corporation in the town where we live, and that, believe it or not, was MUCH harder on our marriage and family life than my airline jobs.

During this time, we have remained living in the same city, content to deal with the challenge of getting to/from work in order to avoid uprooting the family unnecessarily.

I like the idea of a trial move, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I am petrified it would backfire, and then we would have to move back to where we are now, creating more stress for everyone, and locking me into being the “absentee dad” for the next 30 years.

We are planning to make some “field trips” to prospective cities though. Absolutely.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for your response.

My wife and family have indeed made monstrous sacrifices for me (us, really) to reach this point. While I think we have both been surprised at the stress of this transition, I also know she was very excited for us to achieve this goal, together.

Since I married my wife 7 years ago, I’ve interviewed 8 times, worked for 4 different companies, and been based in 7 different cities. We have had several “lean years” (airline pilots don’t make as much money as everyone thinks they do) along the way, but always made the best of it. I briefly worked for a private corporation in the town where we live, and that, believe it or not, was MUCH harder on our marriage and family life than my airline jobs.

During this time, we have remained living in the same city, content to deal with the challenge of getting to/from work in order to avoid uprooting the family unnecessarily.

I like the idea of a trial move, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I am petrified it would backfire, and then we would have to move back to where we are now, creating more stress for everyone, and locking me into being the “absentee dad” for the next 30 years.

We are planning to make some “field trips” to prospective cities though. Absolutely.

Your marriage sounds as if it is on very solid footing. Your wife may not realize how hard the current situation is on you. She may think of you as being off doing something you love without realizing how deeply you feel the things you are missing out on in spite of the gratification you have in this better job situation.

It may also be that you have had this idea on your mind for longer than your wife, it has more up sides to you than to her and fewer down sides, and she is just a bit behind you. After all, the things she would be giving up are tangible, whereas the things she’ll be getting are currently theoretical. Others have suggesting you work on minimizing her losses. I would second that.

 

[Wings]

We have been able to establish a decent support network in our current hometown of friends that are able to watch our kids occasionally, etc. We started a group of Catholic family friends to just get together and hang out on occasion, so we can support each other, have fun, and not feel so guilty about dropping our kids off at each other’s houses.

Our extended families are helpful and wonderful, but we are not able to drop the kids off on a moment’s notice at grandma/grandma’s due to the distance. My wife goes back to see her family with the kids 1-2 times per month. She does this to break up the monotony of being a stay at home mom and to see her family. She usually does this when I’m out on the road. Due to the nature of my work, I frequently am unable to make family holiday get-togethers. It takes time to obtain that type of work schedule.

My wife is a strong woman. She’s fiercely independent, and would not be a good fit for this lifestyle if she wasn’t. That said, she grew up with her extended family as a prominent fixture in her life, and places that as a very high priority for our family.

I’m just trying to figure out how to balance this with me being home to support our nuclear family.

 

[Wings]

Picking up the slack at home while he works at his dream job.

That’s a big deal.

Thank you for your response.

She’s a tough woman, indeed.

While I may be passionate about my career (who wouldn’t want to love the job they’re going to have for the next 30+ years?), I live to take care of my family. I do everything in my power to build meaningful relationships with my children via spending time with them camping, riding bikes, fishing, etc. when I am home. The bonus is that such activities also give my wife a much needed break. When I’m home, I cook all the meals and make sure she has a fridge full of leftovers when I leave.

Sometimes, our time together is pretty compressed at home, trying to balance “quality time” demands with “pay the bills fix the car cook the meals and clean the house” type demands. We are doing our best, but I fear it’s breaking us.

 

[bitterhope]

Wings,

My husband and I are currently facing a similar situation. We’ve moved a lot over the years, but now it appears he will be moving without us within the next few months. I’m ok with this because it is a very temporary situation, we will see him nearly as much not moving as we would if we move with him, the kids (and now me too) have medical issues and here we are with established providers, and it’s a career enhancing move which will allow for greater income and stability once his assignment is up. No other reason would I consider not moving with him. We’ve been through multiple stateside and international moves as well as deployments that require separations. With your oldest only starting Kindergarten, now is an ideal time to move to a new area and establish your family life. Homeschooling is an awesome idea when the opportunity for travel is present, but getting set in a great school system is good as well. Neither needs to be permanent, especially at your daughter’s age. She may very well attend school a year, homeschool the next for several years to come. Having a Father present is priority! I say this as someone that more often than not has single parented my kids as a married woman. It’s not “picking up the slack” as some put it but rather living out my vocation in the way God asked of me. My husband is much like you. He would give ANYTHING for our family. He is even willing to be gone from the ones he loves to ensure we have what we need. I harbor no ill feelings toward him. I appreciate the way he has sacrificed his life for me so that I can be home with his children. This is where he longs to be. I do understand it’s hard. It’s really hard. I offer you my prayers today, and I’ll add your family to the novena I’m praying. I’ll ask that The Holy Family open your eyes to seeing your wife’s needs, and her heart opens to see your devotion. I really like E7’s suggestions about the five love languages. I’ve seen amazing results in real life when people have learned to love in different ways. Please know your family is unfortunately not very unique in these circumstances. Maybe knowing others are going through or have been in similar spots and survived!!! sometimes even thrived in their own unique ways can at least provide some comfort and hope.

 

[Wings]

Since the OP isn’t clarifying anything, 2 things come to mind:

1. IF he is a pilot…the whole family flies for free anywhere, pretty much anytime.
2. Sounds like she doesn’t really miss him those 20 days a month.

The whole scenario is off.

Thank you for your response.

1. on standby. With three kids under 6.
2. I’m not in the same place for 20 days. In fact, I’m nearly always more than one flight away from our current hometown.

If we made this move, it is far more likely that my wife or family would be able to come along with me for an overnight here and there…when the timing worked out and there were empty seats.

 

[Wings]

I like the idea of making time for a marriage encounter weekend or a retrovaille weekend. I just think we both hope it would be more enjoyable than our engaged encounter weekend was…

 

[Wings]

Wings,

My husband and I are currently facing a similar situation. We’ve moved a lot over the years, but now it appears he will be moving without us within the next few months. I’m ok with this because it is a very temporary situation, we will see him nearly as much not moving as we would if we move with him, the kids (and now me too) have medical issues and here we are with established providers, and it’s a career enhancing move which will allow for greater income and stability once his assignment is up. No other reason would I consider not moving with him. We’ve been through multiple stateside and international moves as well as deployments that require separations. With your oldest only starting Kindergarten, now is an ideal time to move to a new area and establish your family life. Homeschooling is an awesome idea when the opportunity for travel is present, but getting set in a great school system is good as well. Neither needs to be permanent, especially at your daughter’s age. She may very well attend school a year, homeschool the next for several years to come. Having a Father present is priority! I say this as someone that more often than not has single parented my kids as a married woman. It’s not “picking up the slack” as some put it but rather living out my vocation in the way God asked of me. My husband is much like you. He would give ANYTHING for our family. He is even willing to be gone from the ones he loves to ensure we have what we need. I harbor no ill feelings toward him. I appreciate the way he has sacrificed his life for me so that I can be home with his children. This is where he longs to be. I do understand it’s hard. It’s really hard. I offer you my prayers today, and I’ll add your family to the novena I’m praying. I’ll ask that The Holy Family open your eyes to seeing your wife’s needs, and her heart opens to see your devotion. I really like E7’s suggestions about the five love languages. I’ve seen amazing results in real life when people have learned to love in different ways. Please know your family is unfortunately not very unique in these circumstances. Maybe knowing others are going through or have been in similar spots and survived!!! sometimes even thrived in their own unique ways can at least provide some comfort and hope.

Thank you so much!

 

[Wings]

I forgot:

I am trying to get back to having more “date nights” with my wife so we can connect on a more personal level, rather than just spend our limited time doing laundry or dishes together. The goal is to have an hour of time us to connect as “just us” for an hour in home per week (something that could be done after the kids go to bed, provided our youngest goes down early)…play cards, read the catechism and discuss, just sit and talk…something to connect and remember why we chose each other in the first place, and to build up trust which I feel is what we really need most right now.

The goal is to supplement this with a monthly date night which would involve getting a babysitter and getting “out of the house!” to share in an activity we enjoy together or a meal.

Last night we tried our first one hour in home session and unfortunately, it didn’t go well, which motivated me to post here. The uncertainty and disagreement on this issue is really casting a dark cloud over our relationship right now.

 

[E_7]

Wow, sounds like you’re really making up for the missed times and even go beyond. I pray you two find a solution and may it be according to God’s Will. And check that 5 love languages test.

 

[bitterhope]

I forgot:

I am trying to get back to having more “date nights” with my wife so we can connect on a more personal level, rather than just spend our limited time doing laundry or dishes together. The goal is to have an hour of time us to connect as “just us” for an hour in home per week (something that could be done after the kids go to bed, provided our youngest goes down early)…play cards, read the catechism and discuss, just sit and talk…something to connect and remember why we chose each other in the first place.

The goal is to supplement this with a monthly date night which would involve getting a babysitter and getting “out of the house!” to share in an activity we enjoy together or a meal.

Last night we tried our first one hour in home session and unfortunately, it didn’t go well, which motivated me to post here. The uncertainty and disagreement on this issue is really casting a dark cloud over our relationship right now.

My husband and I find Eucharistic Adoration to be a very helpful start to date nights. We sit in the presence of Jesus, just quietly, and it allows us to connect in a different way. We have older kids, so probably it’s easier for us to get that time away, but perhaps starting with s prayer of thanksgiving for the gifts you have received would be a good substitute? Maybe praying to the Holy Spirit to guide you both, guard your words, and open your hearts. This can also be family time before putting kids to bed. My husband loves spending every moment possible with the kids while he’s home, and honestly I enjoy it as well. Seeing him be a daddy means much more to me than anything else he does for us. Is there a way to drop by church as a family for 10-15 minutes to relax with Jesus? Or can you pray as a family, and then alone as a couple, before your “date?”

 

[Irishmom2]

My husband and I find Eucharistic Adoration to be a very helpful start to date nights. We sit in the presence of Jesus, just quietly, and it allows us to connect in a different way. We have older kids, so probably it’s easier for us to get that time away, but perhaps starting with s prayer of thanksgiving for the gifts you have received would be a good substitute? Maybe praying to the Holy Spirit to guide you both, guard your words, and open your hearts. This can also be family time before putting kids to bed. My husband loves spending every moment possible with the kids while he’s home, and honestly I enjoy it as well. Seeing him be a daddy means much more to me than anything else he does for us. Is there a way to drop by church as a family for 10-15 minutes to relax with Jesus? Or can you pray as a family, and then alone as a couple, before your “date?”

That is a wonderful suggestion, bitterhope!

 

[Wings]

Wow, sounds like you’re really making up for the missed times and even go beyond. I pray you two find a solution and may it be according to God’s Will. And check that 5 love languages test.

Absolutely! We’ve done it a couple times but it’s worth revisiting. I’m not connecting.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Both of you sound like good people who are committed to your family and I hope you are able to work something out. I think your first priority is to create some time and space to think and reflect as you can’t make a good decision when stressed and exhausted.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you for your response.

1. on standby. With three kids under 6.
2. I’m not in the same place for 20 days. In fact, I’m nearly always more than one flight away from our current hometown.

If we made this move, it is far more likely that my wife or family would be able to come along with me for an overnight here and there…when the timing worked out and there were empty seats.

We live in a city with a major airline hub. Nearly all of our parishioners are pilots, flight attendants, airline mechanics.
They all live in the same bedroom community, and seem very happy in their chosen career. As you get higher up the chain you will be home MUCH more. A dear friend is a pilot with an international run. She only flies twice a month. She and her family (her husband is also a pilot, enjoyed the help of an au pair, and they travelled the world. Catholic schools, great universities, piano lessons, sports teams, the works. Their family life has not suffered. They are at many functions. I think fear of an unknown place may be coloring your wife’s worldview. It’s not that bad. Its a wonderful profession with oodles of perks. Sometimes time you just have to step out in faith.
Or pursue another profession, which, if you have qualified to work for a major airline, really never happens. Men and women work like crazy to get a spot.
I’ll pray for your situation.

 

[Wings]

Thank you. That is the goal. I know such communities exist and would be very desirable for us. I also know that the sky is truly the limit for the worldwide experiences we could provide our children, as well as the time we could spend with them…if we moved to base.