Much Older Love

[lovemysix]

Moonyen,

I’d be much more concerned about his promises to do “anything” for you than about his age. I think age CAN be a problem, but so can a whole lot of other things. I know a very faithful Catholic family in which the husband is 22 years older than the wife----and yes, they fell in love when she was his student in college. They now have 10 children and at least appear to be happy. And it seems to me that if age alone should matter, then Christ would not have been born to a woman who (at least according to tradition) was about 13 when married to a man in his 30’s. True, culture was different back then…but still, if age alone should be enough to rule out a marriage, I just don’t think God would have chosen a man some 20 or more years older for the mother of His Son.

I’d also be concerned that you had to come here and ask us what we think. This seems to me to indicate hesitation on your part—and I think you should look deep inside yourself to find out why this is. My husband is 6 yrs older than I am, and I would have married him if he was 26 yrs older. But I’m pretty sure I would have been so confident in my love for him and our being meant to be together than I never would have gone to some forum someplace online to ask opinions of others. Please don’t think I’m saying this to be mean—I just think you might need to examine your reasons for seeking the opinions of others. Part of you might be unsure for a good reason.

Pray and discern, and I wish you great happiness in life.

Lauren

 

[Guitar]

As someone in a so far very successful marriage to a man 19 years older then I am I have a different opinion on this then many people here. First of all I donlt think it;s neccessarily disturbing for a man in his 40’s to be interested in a woman in her 20’s. I mean if he is just looking to use her like some trophy wife or something then yeah. But once again lets not assume he has evil motives on his mind here. But my marriage is working out just great and to be honest I donlt think a marriage much less any sort of relationship other then maybe friendship at most and even that… with a guy my own age would have worked. Unfortunately in my experience 99% of the guys my age are super immature they basically act like they are still in highschool or worse middle school. And sure that is great for a girl who wants to go out partying and what not, but I wasn;t like that. Never had any interest in going out to bars or clubs or anything like that.

Course I still think she should be cautious, get to know the guy even better and let her mind and not emotions make her final decision. She should also take into consideration the fact that especially later on in life the age difference might have some more physical issues to it. It is one concern of mine actually. I know that more then likely I will be a widow at a relatively young age especially considering that typically women already live longer then men. And it makes me sad to think of that but you know you can;t guarentee anything in life. I could have married someone my age or even younger and they could get in a car accident tomorrow. And I love my husband and he loves me very much and I figure lets enjoy what we have now and worry about the distance future later. Just an opinon from someone living in a large age difference marriage!

+1 for what she said.

I’m so pleased to read here that so many of my fellow Catholics appear to view my courting period, engagement and now marriage of nearly 23 years between two cradle Catholics as creepy.



Moonyen, a girl on a completely different forum, knowing that I married with a large age gap, once asked me what I thought about dating an older man. I think I still have my long-ish response to her somewhere with my personal take on it, so PM me if you’re interested.

It’s quite possible the fact that you are asking here means you know deep down this relationship isn’t right for you. It’s equally possible, folks, that the young lady is here for a sanity check because the rest of the world keeps telling her This Is A Huge Problem and she’s puzzled because that message is contrary to her instincts about the relationship.

 

[Moonyen]

It’s quite possible the fact that you are asking here means you know deep down this relationship isn’t right for you. It’s equally possible, folks, that the young lady is here for a sanity check because the rest of the world keeps telling her This Is A Huge Problem and she’s puzzled because that message is contrary to her instincts about the relationship.

Thank you so much for this. This is precisely what I am struggling with. I have researched May/December birthdays. I find negative and positive information, but the negative far outways the latter. I can understand why, don’t misunderstand me, but I don’t think he’s looking for a trophy or a fling. He had to make sure I knew this, because I didn’t ask.

I am keeping my feelings in check, constantly looking at what he says and does to find inconsistancies (so far, I haven’t found anything). If I ever ear warning bells in my mind, I ask him to explain, and he does.

Of course, I am still worried about this, but I feel better now that I’ve gotten all of you wonderful people’s insights. Thank you so much.

 

[Ruthie]

He does not view me as a young girl that would be an easy conquest (if he did, we would never had talked for more than five minutes). He views me as a mature woman who has the misfortune of being trapped in a young body (his words).

I find this reassuring.

He has never been married, but has been in several long-term relationships, even being engaged; he is not afraid of commitment.

I find this less reassuring.

I have two strong views about marriage, and here they are.

1. Be engaged long enough to find out each other’s irritating little habits. Make sure that you can live with them - that they will not drive you crazy in a few years. (This is largely a matter of *choosing *to live with them.) Big issues can be negotiated. But little irritants can become big!
2. Develop and keep the habit of thanking each other for everything - even everyday duties. “Thank you for taking out the trash, sweetie.”

Works for me & my sweetie! And yes, I’d be his wife even if he was 20 years older than me. As it is, he’s 16 years younger…

God bless you,

Ruthie

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Thank you so much for this. This is precisely what I am struggling with. I have researched May/December birthdays. I find negative and positive information, but the negative far outways the latter. I can understand why, don’t misunderstand me, but I don’t think he’s looking for a trophy or a fling. He had to make sure I knew this, because I didn’t ask.

I am keeping my feelings in check, constantly looking at what he says and does to find inconsistancies (so far, I haven’t found anything). If I ever ear warning bells in my mind, I ask him to explain, and he does.

Of course, I am still worried about this, but I feel better now that I’ve gotten all of you wonderful people’s insights. Thank you so much.

Moonyen, you’re making the assumption of believing everything this guy tells you. I’m sure you’re a very smart woman, but he’s much older and more experienced than you are, so he knows exactly what you want to hear in order to get what he wants. In my opinion, it is just not normal for someone who’s old enough to be your father to be romantically interested in you, and the sooner you realize that the better. In fact, most - if not all - young women I know would find it extremely creepy and offensive should someone twice their age express a romantic interest in them. As I’ve said, you’re a smart woman, and it’s ultimately your own decision. I hope you will make the right one for yourself.

 

[Guitar]

Moonyen, you’re making the assumption of believing everything this guy tells you. I’m sure you’re a very smart woman, but he’s much older and more experienced than you are, so he knows exactly what you want to hear in order to get what he wants. In my opinion, it is just not normal for someone who’s old enough to be your father to be romantically interested in you, and the sooner you realize that the better. In fact, most - if not all - young women I know would find it extremely creepy and offensive should someone twice their age express a romantic interest in them. As I’ve said, you’re a smart woman, and it’s ultimately your own decision. I hope you will make the right one for yourself.

Can I please ask, on behalf of those like myself and at least one other here, that posters refrain from using the word **creepy **to describe the circumstances in which our happy, Catholic marriages began?

If it gives you personally the creeps, fine, but you do not need to put your thoughts in other people’s heads, describe other people’s morally licit relationships as “creepy”, suggest that most if not all “normal” people view them that way or imply that there’s something very wrong with those of us who were not “given the creeps” by our boyfriends’/fiances’/husbands’ attentions.

What was going through the heads of all my fellow parishioners at Mass each week when we were dating. Funnily enough, they all seemed 100% behind us, as far as we could tell. Guess they’re not normal people either. They certainly don’t share many of the views expressed here.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Can I please ask, on behalf of those like myself and at least one other here, that posters refrain from using the word **creepy **to describe the circumstances in which our happy, Catholic marriages began?

If it gives you personally the creeps, fine, but you do not need to put your thoughts in other people’s heads, describe other people’s morally licit relationships as “creepy”, suggest that most if not all “normal” people view them that way or imply that there’s something very wrong with those of us who were not “given the creeps” by our boyfriends’/fiances’/husbands’ attentions.

What was going through the heads of all my fellow parishioners at Mass each week when we were dating. Funnily enough, they all seemed 100% behind us, as far as we could tell. Guess they’re not normal people either. They certainly don’t share many of the views expressed here.

OK, I knew a post like this was coming; however, I will nevertheless stand by everything I’ve said. Of course it is my personal opinion, as is everything I post on here. I by no means intended to demean your marriages/relationships; however, please note that I made a conscious effort to refrain from commenting on such posts, in the hope that I wouldn’t offend anyone. But now that can of worms has been opened, I will say what I abstained from saying before.

It is perfectly fine that your marriage/relationship with an older man is working for you; however, it is not OK to give the OP what I deem to be unsound advice, just because one feels a need to validate her own marriage/relationship. I’m not necessarily saying that is the reason someone would make a post like this, but you have to admit that given the OP’s situation, such advice is very inopportune and irresponsible. I made my posts by my own conscience and what I deemed to be the OP’s best interests. It is my sincere hope that posters such as these also had the OP’s best interests in mind.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

OK, I knew a post like this was coming; however, I will nevertheless stand by everything I’ve said. Of course it is my personal opinion, as is everything I post on here. I by no means intended to demean your marriages/relationships; however, please note that I made a conscious effort to refrain from commenting on such posts, so that I wouldn’t offend anyone. But now that can of worms has been opened, I will say what I abstained from saying before.

It is perfectly fine that your marriage/relationship with an older man is working for you; however, it is not OK to give the OP what I deem to be unsound advice, just because one feels a need to validate her own marriage/relationship. I’m not necessarily saying that is the reason someone would make a post like this, but you have to admit that given the OP’s situation, such advice is very inopportune and irresponsible. I formed my posts by my own conscience and what I deemed to be the OP’s best interests. It is my sincere hope that posters such as these also had the OP’s best interests in mind.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Can I please ask, on behalf of those like myself and at least one other here, that posters refrain from using the word **creepy **to describe the circumstances in which our happy, Catholic marriages began?

**Sorry, but to me (and all of the women i know) it IS creepy. Not your marriage, just the general idea. If your marriage is working, full of love, and mutual respect…no, that is not creepy. And, the circumstances in which you started out probably were creepy to a lot of people. But those people don’t matter, do they? If you are happy and have a wonderful marriage, isn’t that what matters?

You can try as much as you want, but you will never be able to choose other people’s feelings and words. I use the word creepy because to me, it’s the truth:shrug:**

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

**Sorry, but to me (and all of the women i know) it IS creepy. Not your marriage, just the general idea. If your marriage is working, full of love, and mutual respect…no, that is not creepy. And, the circumstances in which you started out probably were creepy to a lot of people. But those people don’t matter, do they? If you are happy and have a wonderful marriage, isn’t that what matters?

You can try as much as you want, but you will never be able to choose other people’s feelings and words. I use the word creepy because to me, it’s the truth:shrug:**

I totally agree. I also didn’t want to comment on someone else’s marriage, precisely because that is a union blessed by the Good Lord Himself; however, God also gave us the gift of common sense, and yet too few people make use of it. My grandfather was many years my grandmother’s elder; however, that was a bygone era, in which women were not afforded the same freedoms and rights that are inalienable to them today.

God gave us free will, and that free will includes that which of choosing our spouses; however, only God knows that we don’t always make the best decisions, and that is why He instituted many things, like prayer, community and the clergy, among other things, to help us. Obviously this is something I feel very strongly about, but I will always respect the OP’s - and everyone else’s - free will to choose.

 

[AHapka]

I think what you need to do is pray about it. If it is of God, it will happen. If it isn’t, I’m sure He’ll put signs into your life. It’ll be up to you to listen.

Let us all remember that all things are possible for God. He may very well be bringing this couple together for His reasons. Maybe not, but it is not up to all of us to discern for her.

Have a meeting with a spiritual director/priest. Lay it all out on the line, and see what comes up.

I also think it’s ridiculous to say “don’t marry until you are X number of years old.” We live our lives on God’s timing (or should, anyway). If He brings someone into our lives that He intends us to marry a few years before X number of years old, it would be behoove us to respond to His wishes. Are we not going to marry someone who would be a great partner because it’s one year before X number of years old?

 

[AHapka]

however, it is not OK to give the OP what I deem to be unsound advice,

The OP asked what we all think. I don’t see how it’s wrong for people to tell her what they think.

I would like to say, as charitably as possible, that just because you think the advice is unsound that doesn’t mean people can’t give it.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

The OP asked what we all think. I don’t see how it’s wrong for people to tell her what they think.

I would like to say, as charitably as possible, that just because you think the advice is unsound that doesn’t mean people can’t give it.

Thank you for your charity. I never said they can’t give their advice; however, it is also my prerogative to call out advice that I think is clearly unsound.

 

[Calliso]

Can I please ask, on behalf of those like myself and at least one other here, that posters refrain from using the word **creepy **to describe the circumstances in which our happy, Catholic marriages began?

If it gives you personally the creeps, fine, but you do not need to put your thoughts in other people’s heads, describe other people’s morally licit relationships as “creepy”, suggest that most if not all “normal” people view them that way or imply that there’s something very wrong with those of us who were not “given the creeps” by our boyfriends’/fiances’/husbands’ attentions.

What was going through the heads of all my fellow parishioners at Mass each week when we were dating. Funnily enough, they all seemed 100% behind us, as far as we could tell. Guess they’re not normal people either. They certainly don’t share many of the views expressed here.

Agreed! and really though I can understand why it really bothers some people. But I think people also need to look beyond age too. I know if I hadn;t choosen to look beyond the fact that my husband is much much older then me I would not have married a wonderful man! Course once again though I will say the OP should be careful and use her head not her emotions.

 

[Guitar]

To everyone who reponded to my post requesting the word “creepy” not be used:

Please do not suggest that I feel any need to “validate” my own relationship by giving the OP advice. That is a very large and very unwarranted assumption.

Please note that I did not tell SomeCatholicGuy or anyone else what they should or should not feel inside their own heads.

In my view the use of a strongly pejorative word like “creepy” in such a forum, even if that is what you personally feel about it, to describe a type of relationship that has no moral prohibitions against it, is not acceptable. It has been suggested I am trying to choose others’ words for them - when words cross a line of charity, then there are occasions when others do remind us that our choice of words is not appropriate. One can say, “that would make me very uncomfortable” without saying “bleccch” or “creepy creepy creepy” when you know there are others in this discussion living in the circumstance you are thus decribing. The fact that none of you intend to criticise my or Calliso’s personal circumstances does not negate this point.

I can think of other kinds of morally licit relationships that could make some personally uncomfortable but the word “creepy” would never be used to describe them in public discussion in a million years. An age gap relationship should be afforded the same treatment - if you don’t like the idea, then as I said to SCGuy, fine. You are quite free to be utterly revolted by the idea. But such strongly pejorative and emotive words are likely to offend and I can’t see them being much help to the OP in thinking this through calmly and rationally either.

And SCGuy, while you are calling out unsound advice, I’ll save you some time. Go back and read my post - I didn’t offer her any. I told her that unlike most on this thread, I have lived what she is contemplating taking on, gave an alternative possible explanation for why she is here asking, rather than the one a few posters immediately leapt to, and then asked her to PM me if she wanted any personal comment. Any comment or advice I have to give her will be given privately, not here. I do not give advice on this topic anyway. I say to people, “this is what I have experienced in this circumstance, take whatever is useful to you from it”. I have never counselled anybody to either pursue or drop such a relationship. I have sometimes defended the concept of such relationships from unfair attack. The two are not the same thing.

As for me “having to admit” that advice that I did not actually give was inopportune and irresponsible given OP’s circumstances - I married half-way through my engineering degree in full and happy consultation with family and our parish priest, none of whom said we were irresponsible in the slightest. The priest praised us in the wedding homily for the way we had considered and prepared for this marriage. So solely on the basis of OP’s initial information, no, I personally do not have to admit anything is irresponsible or inopportune.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Giutar, I am sorry if you are offended by my word choice. But if you read carefully, what I am referring to (personally) is the concept of older guys seeking out young women. That is what is creepy and “blech” to me. Primarily because I think of my dad and how odd and “creepy” it would have been if he had chased after girls my own age (he is and always has been happily married to my mom…it is just the thought process I use).

But, in real life, if I see a couple, I don’t know their ages, don’t bother to guess, and don’t think it’s any of my business. In real life things work one couple at a time, as you and your husband have proven. If you were my friend, or coworker, or family member, I probably wouldn’t bat an eye:shrug:

But this thread is much more ambiguous than that and the OP may very well have attracted a creep…or a great guy. We don’t know. So I put my “asked for” opnion out there to contribute, not to offend. But I can’t think of any other word to describe some of the behaviors of grown men who seek out** young girls (think of the average age of “exotic dancers” for one…). Most of the cultural examples of older guys-younger girls are frankly, creepy.

 

[Guitar]

But this thread is much more ambiguous than that and the OP may very well have attracted a creep…or a great guy. We don’t know. So I put my “asked for” opnion out there to contribute, not to offend. But I can’t think of any other word to describe some of the behaviors of grown men who seek out young girls (think of the average age of “exotic dancers” for one…). Most of the cultural examples of older guys-younger girls are frankly, creepy.

Thanks, Malia. I can understand what you say here, and believe me I am not taking the word “creepy” personally. Nor am I justifying anything in my own life or trying to sway the OP one way or the other. I’m just seeing personal emotional reactions and assumptions prompted by the age gap that are tending to come across as stated facts about this man, rather than as things the OP should ask herself about him … for example, this stuff about an older guy knowing just what to say to get you where he wants you … actually that one is rather funny because I’m sure there are a few older guys who wouldn’t agree their success rate with the ladies has increased with age. I’m inclined to think that sort of man has probably been practising since his youth and would have been a creep at any age.

OP hasn’t provided many details to rule out some of those assumptions and yes he might be a twisted predator … I just feel it that when discussing an “in love” sort of relationship, especially with a young person, it’s probably more effective (at least at first) to keep things unemotive … if that’s actually a word?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

OP hasn’t provided many details to rule out some of those assumptions and yes he might be a twisted predator … I just feel it that when discussing an “in love” sort of relationship, especially with a young person, it’s probably more effective (at least at first) to keep things unemotive … if that’s actually a word?

**
I’m glad you can see that I meant no offense. And I agree that many posts can come across as “this is the only right answer”. But that happens in every thread about every topic, lol. Hopefully the OP has been given a direction to go in, questions to answer (for herself), and the grace from God to discover the truth past her own emotions (good or bad). No harm ever came from taking things slow…but we humans are not very good at waiting or being patient or realizing that we don’t know it all, lol.

Prayers for the OP to hear what God is saying to her.**

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

To everyone who reponded to my post requesting the word “creepy” not be used:

Please do not suggest that I feel any need to “validate” my own relationship by giving the OP advice. That is a very large and very unwarranted assumption.

Please note that I did not tell SomeCatholicGuy or anyone else what they should or should not feel inside their own heads.

In my view the use of a strongly pejorative word like “creepy” in such a forum, even if that is what you personally feel about it, to describe a type of relationship that has no moral prohibitions against it, is not acceptable. It has been suggested I am trying to choose others’ words for them - when words cross a line of charity, then there are occasions when others do remind us that our choice of words is not appropriate. One can say, “that would make me very uncomfortable” without saying “bleccch” or “creepy creepy creepy” when you know there are others in this discussion living in the circumstance you are thus decribing. The fact that none of you intend to criticise my or Calliso’s personal circumstances does not negate this point.

I can think of other kinds of morally licit relationships that could make some personally uncomfortable but the word “creepy” would never be used to describe them in public discussion in a million years. An age gap relationship should be afforded the same treatment - if you don’t like the idea, then as I said to SCGuy, fine. You are quite free to be utterly revolted by the idea. But such strongly pejorative and emotive words are likely to offend and I can’t see them being much help to the OP in thinking this through calmly and rationally either.

And SCGuy, while you are calling out unsound advice, I’ll save you some time. Go back and read my post - I didn’t offer her any. I told her that unlike most on this thread, I have lived what she is contemplating taking on, gave an alternative possible explanation for why she is here asking, rather than the one a few posters immediately leapt to, and then asked her to PM me if she wanted any personal comment. Any comment or advice I have to give her will be given privately, not here. I do not give advice on this topic anyway. I say to people, “this is what I have experienced in this circumstance, take whatever is useful to you from it”. I have never counselled anybody to either pursue or drop such a relationship. I have sometimes defended the concept of such relationships from unfair attack. The two are not the same thing.

As for me “having to admit” that advice that I did not actually give was inopportune and irresponsible given OP’s circumstances - I married half-way through my engineering degree in full and happy consultation with family and our parish priest, none of whom said we were irresponsible in the slightest. The priest praised us in the wedding homily for the way we had considered and prepared for this marriage. So solely on the basis of OP’s initial information, no, I personally do not have to admit anything is irresponsible or inopportune.

I’m sorry you feel offended, but I stand by everything I’ve said. I call things the way I see it. No matter what you say, you can NOT change the fact that even though your case might be an exception, the VAST MAJORITY of young women are CREEPED OUT - yes, CREEDPED OUT - when someone old enough to be their father hit on them, the world over. And that is the truth. Peace.

 

[Guitar]

I’m sorry you feel offended, but I stand by everything I’ve said. I call things the way I see it. No matter what you say, you can NOT change the fact that even though your case might be an exception, the VAST MAJORITY of young women are CREEPED OUT - yes, CREEDPED OUT - when someone old enough to be their father hit on them, the world over. And that is the truth. Peace.

That may indeed be the truth, SCGuy. I don’t know and I don’t care. I am but one woman and I do not speak for the entire Sisterhood. Neither do you, by the way.

However, you have either completely missed, or passed over, the point of my post - whether or not they are or you are or you think they are is not the issue I am addressing.

Do not be sorry I am offended - I personally am not.

There is little point in saying “peace” at the end of a post where you have insisted on using a word I requested that you refrain from using, using it twice, and shouting it at me in capitals to boot.