My 13 yr old daughter informed me she is not Catholic anymore

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pammie

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I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.
 
I’m sure others will have practical advice on things you can do, but all I have right now is this: pray for her. Pray the chaplet of Divine Mercy, pray the Rosary.

If you’re not familiar with the chaplet of Divine Mercy, go to thedivinemercy.org/ and you can learn all about it. When I pray it, instead of praying “…have mercy on us and on the whole world” I pray “have mercy on (specific person) and on the whole world.” You could put your daughter’s name there.

It seems to me that since she is so young, you as the parent must insist she attend Mass and can limit the groups she’s involved in at school. However, I understand your concerns about not wanting to force her, still, it is your job as the parent to bring her to God.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, praying for you and your daughter now, and I’ll remember you both in my chaplet of Divine Mercy later today! :hug1:
 
Pray and get your friends to do so as well. She could be going through a phase. Let’s hope so.
 
I think what can happen with more able children, even if they have been attending Catholic schools, is that their intellectual formation falls behind their development. It’s fairly easy for a younger child to take it on trust that God exists, for example, because their mum and dad taught them He did but when they reach a certain stage it maybe becomes less so. The same is true of a lot of the things you mention, e.g. brighter children can discern more differences between a baby inside mum and a baby who has been born. And they can sometimes see those differences before someone has went into the detail of why Catholics believe in the sanctity of life e.g. what point they have a soul, what point life becomes life etc.

The ‘good’ thing is that she’s been honest with you about it and it must still be at a relatively early stage. What I’d suggest is that you try introducing her to the intellectual case for the existence of God, the unmoved mover, Paley’s watch argument etc. Once she is certain in her belief about that then it becomes possible to understand the other things you mention. I don’t think there is a quick fix to the kind of problems you’re facing but I think with time it can be done.

Perhaps it’s also worth remembering that her ‘feelings’ have probably originated from her thoughts on the matter, she’ll be just as confused about it as you are more often than not. If she is facing these problems in isolation then to come to the Catholic view she needs to make the kind of leaps Augustine and Aquinas have in the past, which is quite difficult for even the brightest people to do on their own. Which is why it can be important to introduce the background to them so that she isn’t quite so dependent on other sources/outlooks which may not be as effective at promoting the Catholic view.
 
Besides the above, which is great advice … get some holy water and sprinkle it liberally … obviously she will probably resist so do it when she’s not home or when she’s sleeping. Put a blessed Miraculous medal under her pillow, in her purse, anywhere and everywhere. Make sure there is a cruifix in her room (I’m sure you have thought of this one.)

And pray. Ask your family members to pray (no need to be specific … having and being a teen is enough reason.) Have a Mass (or several.) Write to cloistered orders for prayer too.

God Bless.
 
Prayer, first of all, is essential… wonderful ideas listed above.

But also… talk with her. Ask her WHY and WHAT she is feeling. Have her SHARE her thoughts and feelings… get to the root of why she thinks she’s not Catholic.
So often this happens due to a pure lack of knowledge of the true teachings of the church… or from not seeing the teachings as based on LOVE rather than just RULES. Throw away the words “laws” and “rules” when talking about the faith… LOVE is the most important one. Keep your conversations peaceful and free from arguing… and when you mention the need to go to Mass, say it lovingly… “I know you don’t want to go, but please just sit through it for the sake of the family.”

My prayers are with you…
 
Yep, this is the age when I declared the same thing and decided I was agnostic since I didn’t know if I believed what I’d always been told I had to believe. Four years later I undertook study on my own time and of my own volition to be confirmed with other adult Catholics on Pentecost.

Encourage her to study the faith. If her elementary-level faith education was anything like mine, it left her with a lot of questions, very few answers, and many things that appear to be arbitrary and hypocritical. Answer her questions honestly. If you don’t know the answer, say so, and don’t tell her “because I said so”. Help her obtain materials that will answer her questions (your parish office could probably assist with this). Continue taking her to Mass but do not force her to participate in the sacraments. If she’s anything like I was, she won’t want to participate in them out of respect for them- my reasoning was, since I don’t even know if I believe, taking Communion and being confirmed would IMO be mocking the sacraments, because so many people DID believe. Respect that she is taking her own personal faith journey. You don’t have to agree with her, but you do need to respect her honest doubt. You should expect the same respect from her WRT your faith.

And pray. This too will likely pass.
 
Same thing happened to a friend and her son - another very smart kid. She told him he would not have a Christmas. It helped - a little. I have seen the kid at church.
 
Yep totally normal. The only difference with my experience and yours is that my kids knew that as long as they live in my house they go to mass. My son had a crisis of faith so to speak during confirmation classes. I asked why and dealt with each issue one at a time. We also found that he loved reading revelations and I started reading with him and explaining parts he didn’t understand.
 
snhs said:
I think what can happen with more able children…
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Good post. Clearly plenty of us have experienced this…and know it can pass and be overcome with the right direction. I’d add one other thing…search out and see if you have a parish locally that is staffed with Jesuits. They do an amazing job of teaching both in their homilies and beyond, and can do amazing things particularly with a young person who is bright and inquisitive like your daughter.
 
My 13 yo daughter pulled that a few months ago. I started supplying her with books geared to teens. Did Adam Have a Belly Button, and others of that type that are question/answer books that are geared to the teen level. I’m not sure how much she actually read them, although she would rather eat brussel sprouts than admit that she did read them.

Attendence at Mass is not optional.

I started seeking out other Catholic teens/kids for her to hang out with, and in my little town the pickings are quite slim.

I was very up front with her. I told her I was in a battle for her soul, and she could count on me doing everything in my power to help her keep her faith. I told her I was NOT going to stand before God at my final judgement and tell God why I did not try hard enough to save her.

She’s coming around. She is committed to being Confirmed this year, and even wants to ask if she can teach CCD next year. (She wants to teach the kindergarten class because she loves the little kids so much. But hey, you can’t teach what you don’t know or practice, so if she wants to be a role model for children, all the better in my battle for her soul.)

Keep praying. Spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I spent a lot of time in the Adoration chapel with tears streaming down my face.
 
pammie said:
I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.
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Keep taking her to Mass (as it is her obligation), but for Heaven’s sake (literally) do not allow her to receive Communion.

Pro-abortion, and GSA? Blech. Sounds like some **** she’s being taught at her high school.

I’d start by explaining to her that abortion is murder. And so on and so forth. Praying for St. Monica to intercede probably would help too.
 
Your daughter sounds very sincere and is not just being rebellious of your parental authority. I agree with what has been said, but would add/slant it this way:

Don’t worry…and I say this boldly and with absolute conviction that it (“not to worry”) is the right thing to do…and “be not afraid” of anything for your daughter.

First, when she (and all of us) was baptized neither she, nor you, or anyone else made her a (Catholic) Christian…she was called by God the Father and Jesus Christ himself embraced her (before she was born). Jesus simply allowed everyone else to be involved and to participate in his work. Sure it was all came about through much grace working on many “free wills” and “docile hearts”…in many different ways…but He did the calling…He did the work…the “heavy lifting”…especially for your daughter and for you as her mother. He claimed her and He called her…which means He put his indelible mark (branded) her for himself. So no one (not even herself) is going to snatch her away from Him…without a fight! All you can do is be “faithful”…to Our Lord Jesus (He said “Be Not Afraid” 20+ times in the gospels)…to your Catholic faith, and to your vows as a mother and to pray/fast/give alms for her conversion.

Second, Blessed Mother Theresa said (responding to Jane Pauley’s cynical interview statement about how little impact her life long work for the poor actually had on the numbers of the poor in living in the gutters and streets of Calcutta): “…Jesus did not ask me to be successful, He asked me to be faithfull (in love)….”. The “being successful” part is His business! G.K Chesterton said (paraphrasing) that the incredible beauty and mystery of being baptized into the Trinity, especially through the Catholic Church…means that a soul can travel to the ends of the universe to get away from God and/or his/her Catholic faith…and just one little tug on the that string by the Holy Spirit will bring them back.

Third, maybe Francis Thompson’s ***Hound of Heaven ***would be an insightful and thought provoking read for her–([en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hound_of_Heaven](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hound_of_Heaven)). I would also recommend (for you to preview now for later use) C.S. Lewis’ (esp. Mere Christianity) and G.K. Chesterton’s (esp. The Apostle of Common Sense --by Dale Ahlquist) works and writings…(to share with her when you see fit). As was said by another…her intellect wants to know the “why”…and since there is real genius and continuity in Catholicism…she can get some terrific “why” answers. I also believe that her heart must remain open and docile for the Holy Spirit’s grace to bring about the conversion you (and really all of us) want to see happen. Besides your prayer, fasting and alms giving for her conversion…I believe that your next greatest help will be to be positive and upbeat about her search…encourage her to seek the truth (she will know it when she finds Truth himself) and ask her to encourage you by sharing with you…by being open, honest and sincere with you in her journey. This just popped into my mind… for your information and use…Ann Rice, the very successful author of “the Gothic vampire chronicles” (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Rice ) who recently came back to her Catholic faith in 1998 (she had just lost her husband of 41 yrs). She left her faith at age 15, spending most of her life as an atheist…and is now writing Catholic novels. Her autobiography just came out Called Out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession. I bet that at the right time, this Lady (Ms. Rice) could offer some real helpful insight to your daughter. What I wonder mostly about Ms. Rice’s spiritual journey…was someone always praying, fasting, and giving alms for her conversion?

Jesus, I trust in you! Saint Monica…pray for us…Saint Augustine…pray for us!
Pax Christi!
 
pammie said:
I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.
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Whoa I knew darn better then to say something like that to my mom at that age she would have given me a good talking too. But that was a another time and a different era. We’re all supposed to be tolerant of childrens feelings and give them freedom now days to find themselves. Who knows maybe that’s a good thing. I went through my non religious phase in my 20s. Maybe if I had been allowed to go through it a little earlier it wouldn’t have lasted so long.

I’ll pray from her but not being a parent I’m not sure what to tell you.
🤷
 
Here’s a blunt way to deal with it:

Smack her upside her head.

Rather direct, huh?

Well, if you want to go for a more…interesting approach…Do what my parents did to me.

Take her out of school and home-school her.

Remind her of a few things:
  1. You are her still her parent. If she ran away, the cops would just bring her back. she’s not being abused or asked to do anything wrong so they can’t take her away.
  2. You can and WILL ground her if her attitude goes sour. No socializing etc. In fact, her friends are probably the reason why she’s doing this in the first place. I’d cut her off right there.
  3. You will not back down. Her soul is important to you, and you will never give up on it.
There you have it. Give her a proper Catholic education and make sure all of the damage done by society (Catholic schools nowadays still have lots of bad influences) is reversed.
 
pammie said:
I’m not sure I will make it to the end of her adolescence!!!

DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. She is not sure she believes in God at all.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged.
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Just thought I’d pipe in among many great suggestions here…I was a pretty bright child myself who went through a similar phase around age 15. Something that really helped bring me back to the faith was my father’s willingness to let me ask him ANY questions. He would then give me the Catholic perspective or research the answers if he didn’t have them. He would also buy me books so I could do my own research. Some kids need that open dialogue more than others. The key though was that I could always go to dad, and know he took me seriously and wouldn’t reject me even if I got frustrated at his answers, disagreed with him, or fired questions at a rapid pace. I (finally) came around after much discussion, prayer, and research at the age of 19. God bless!
 
Order this book today!

Converting the Baptized: A Survival Manual for Parents, Teachers, and Pastors by William J. O’Malley

Second, is her dad a practicing Catholic?

Do you know her friends? She did not just lick this off a rock, someone has talked her into it - chances are it is the “cool” girls or bigger chance, a boy.

Is she part of a youth group that is active and goes to youth events and retreats?

Next, it is okay to take a stand and tell her that until she is 18, she is not allowed to be a member of any clubs of which you do not approve.

Last, tell her that it would be stupid to leave what you do not know. Many Catholic schools do not teach the faith, so, kids leave them go to public highschool and have their faith shattered. Tell her that you will provide her with books, take Apologetics classes with her, etc.

This series:

Prove It! God by Amy Welborn

Some other books (some aimed at teens, some adults)

Lee Strobel “The Case for Christ”

Answering the New Atheism: Dismantling Dawkins’ Case Against God by Scott Hahn and Benjamin Wiker

I’m off to dinner with our Youth Director - will post any additional suggestions she has.
 
pammie said:
DD is an extremely bright kid, skipped a grade, has already taken the SAT’s, ACT’s. Has been in Catholic schools thru grade school–this is her first year in public HS. ( No Catholic HS in town ) We actively practice our faith in church and in the home. She does not want to go to Mass anymore and resent the fact that I insist she go. In our house, we’d tell her "too bad so sad. Get dressed and let’s go to Mass, or you will be going in whatever state of dress you’re in. She is pro-choice and attends a gay/straight alliance group at school to support gay rights. I would not give her permission to attend the gay/ straight alliance. Sorry. I’m the parent. I don’t care if her feelings are hurt. I had a cousin who attended GSA. It did not do her any good, and took her years to figure things out. She tells me she might be agnostic and is searching for a higher power. That’s fine. She can believe what she wants. But she is still going to Mass, youth group, and whatever rel. ed your parish provides- at least, that’s what I’d do. She is not sure she believes in God at all. That’s fine. She can believe what she wants. But she is still going to Mass, youth group, and whatever rel. ed your parish provides- at least, that’s what I’d do.

My response, amoung many, I try to be respectful of her feelings but tell her I feel a responsibility for her soul at her young age. I tell her I take the responsibility seriously.Good job!👍

I’m slumped in my chair as I type this. Where can I go from here.
I am truly confused and discouraged. You just have to stick to your guns, in my opinion. It will not be easy. Other people have given you ideas about prayer and books, which are good. But keeping her in rel. ed., and not giving permission for GSA will go a long way IMO.
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