My 16 yr old friend and a 20 yr guy are becoming an item

  • Thread starter Thread starter CamelLeopard
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CamelLeopard said:
Her parents are not with her and the adults in her life may react poorly to knowing she is chatting online. So I’m looking for a solution to just get her to at least tread carefully
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Could you encourage her to talk to one of her guardians then, or a family member she trusts? Does your school have a counselor or another adult who she may feel comfortable speaking to?
 
I also do not know her in real life we are just close internet friends. How can I get through to her? I’ve talked with her twice about this specifically and she keeps providing reasons why they’re okay and saying “I understand your concerns because if I were you I would be concerned too” Her parents aren’t with her and the adults in her life would react poorly to this from what I hear. She also asked me not to tell anyone but I am very concerned so I have asked one of my friends who is also in the chat for help and we are trying to figure out what to do. Your advice is very helpful thank you
 
I am not sure what you mean by “her parents aren’t with her.” Someone is responsible for her and needs to know what is going on. So many red flags going on here.

Have you spoken to your own parents about this, and if you haven’t, you should.
 
I totally agree it’s not okay. It’s just not a crime.

If you call the police and say “my daughter is hanging out with someone I don’t like” there’s not a lot they can do, unless there is some additional crime or concern, like they’re having sex, or he’s supplying her with alcohol, or she’s truant from school or something. And in a lot of states, 16 is the age of consent anyway, so even if they were having sex, there wouldn’t be a lot the cops could do as long as it was consensual.
 
To be honest, for you to only know her online to tell her to to disregard someone because she only knows him online seems a bit odd.

Take it to the moderators of your group.
 
I just don’t know if the police have it in their power to “order” someone to stop talking to someone else, outside of some narrow situations.

I suppose they could try to get a restraining order, but I’m not sure a judge would grant it without the girl herself requesting it.

At the end of the day, it’s just not clear this guy is doing anything illegal. He might just be a weirdo.
 
I agree with most answers here that it’s not a good thing.

While it’s possible this young man may not mean to prey on your friend, given the age gap at this point, it’s concerning.

Is this youth group chat part of an official parish youth group or catholic organization? If so, this guy might have crossed some legal boundaries for sure. In this case, you can make a point about the fact that any adult involvement in youth (meaning under 18) groups, at least in the US (my assumption she’s in the USA) would make clear there won’t be anything close to romantic involvement between adults and the youth. My diocese requires handprinting and training etc… for example. The fact that he has crossed these boundaries is quite worrisome and speaks much about him.

However, if this is some non-official youth group chat that anyone from anywhere can join, that was created by someone random… There’s nothing technically illegal about what you’ve described so far… But it doesn’t make it less worrisome.

I would suggest to your friend that they haven’t met and she still has two years to go before college. Why not just remain friends without any expectation of a relationship? She understands your concerns, so ask her why have they not considered this option instead?

*edit: don’t know why it posted twice…
 
First, is your friend engaging in or considering dangerous online activity with this guy, like sexting or sending nude selfies? If so, you should tell her parents.

Second, is your friend actually planning on meeting up with this guy any time soon? If they are planning to date when she goes to college, it sounds like that would be 1 to 2 years away. A lot can happen in 1 to 2 years, including one or both parties losing interest in this relationship. However, if she’s planning on getting together in person with this guy sooner than college, again you should tell her parents.

Third, is this youth group sponsored by a parish or diocese? If so, then a 20-year-old adult should not be chatting up minors in the group, and you should again tell your friend’s parents and the pastor in charge of the group.

I don’t tend to think that a 20-year-old talking to a 16-year-old is the end of the world. When I was 16 I briefly dated a guy who was 19 or 20 and a lot of girls in my class did also. The parents generally knew about it and got to know the guy a bit, which might be lacking here. I’d be a lot more concerned about what this guy is saying to your friend and whether her parents are aware than about his age.
 
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I also do not know her in real life and the caht was made by other kids my age and has no real monitor it’s a group all over the world. From what I can tell her guardians would react very poorly if they knew she was online. I’ll try my best to point out the red flags but she keeps making excuses for him
 
Did you know her in real life or online though. Cause real life I can kind of understand but when they only know each other online it rubs me the wrong way
 
Yeah it’s a random group chat not home to any parish. I’ll ask that question definitely
 
Maybe it’s different in Canada. The age of consent is 16. People get together at family gatherings, parties, church, all sorts of events in which a 16 year old girl could start a friendship with a 20 year old guy. What is so wrong about having an older friend? I stated in my post that she needs chaperoning. Her parents need to know she’s having an online relationship of sorts. The OP did not state what the red flags are. So why are you ready to call the police, and get all upset? Seems like overreaction. Taking away your child’s electronic communication devices away won’t solve your problem. You need to communicate your wishes to your child.
 
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