My Abusive Dad

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Christus Rex:
Am I doing the right thing?
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Christus Rex,
You have done nothing wrong! Do you have several adults in your life whom you trust? I ask because it can happen that the first adult you tell won’t listen. If that is so, try a different adult. Adults mess up sometimes and don’t give a kid the time of day. That is not a reflection on you…it is just life. So be prepared to tell a second adult if needed.

I recommend telling someone sooner rather than later.:blessyou:
 
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Malachi4U:
Do you have 9-1-1 emergency phone numbers in England?:hmmm:

Next is your dad Catholic? Does he know Jesus?

If he is Christian I suggest you go to your priest. If he is Protestant I suggest you go to your preacher. Talk with the clergy and provide the pictures. Then have the clergy meet with your father and the entire family together. Make your father publically vow that if he does not change then the clergy will turn him into the police. Make your father commit to counselling for the problem too.

As a father myself of 14 years I can say I have sinned too. But when I found Jesus in the Catholic Church I have tried to change my ways. Through God all things are possible. Give God a try first. He founded the Catholic Church to be His visible body on earth to help with this kind of problem.

The police do not solve family problems. They just arrest and stop the abuse TEMPORARALY. Call them only if you do not think the Priest or Protestant clergy can help.

Pray!

I will pray for you too.
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And while he dithers, he’s supposed to let this go on happening in order to protect a criminal? Are you serious?
 
Call the police. Now.

This not about “sending your father to prison.” What happens to him is out of your hands, and, whatever it is, he has brought it on himself. You need to protect yourself, your sibs, and your mum.

Do not call a priest. Do not call your Uncle Ned. Do not wait and pray and see if God will fix it because, really, how’s He doing so far?.

Call somebody who can help your family before something happens that can’t be fixed.
 
Penny Plain:
Call the police. Now. Agree.

This not about “sending your father to prison.” What happens to him is out of your hands, and, whatever it is, he has brought it on himself. You need to protect yourself, your sibs, and your mum. Darn tootin’ right.👍

Do not call a priest. Do not call your Uncle Ned. Do not wait and pray and see if God will fix it because, really, how’s He doing so far?. We don’t know how He’s doing so far, but God could be using this to “fix” things.

Call somebody who can help your family before something happens that can’t be fixed. **Most definitely. The next time will be worse. **
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Why do you think your Dad does this?
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Why are you asking a 14 (almost 15) year old to explain his abusive father’s actions? Asking this of a victim isn’t as bad as blaming the victim, but it comes real close.

Does your father love you?
Are you suggesting that abuse is somehow cancelled out by love? It’s not. It only augments the pain and (emotional) injury because the would-be protector is the abuser.

Is he sick?
And if he is, this should not be a reason to seek help for the rest of the family. Abusers are notorious for not getting help. And unfortunately rarely change, even with “help”.

How is he other times?
Doesn’t matter. Family violence has significant lasting affects on it’s victims. Boys** are more likely to become abusers and girls victims in adult relationships because that is what has been modeled. The self-worth of victims is almost non-existant.

And did you note that Christus Rex said that this happens weekly for as long as he can remember? Just how long should he and the rest of his family put up with this? What ratio of “good times” to abuse is acceptable here?

What do you think the problem is? The prolem is that abusers choose their behavior. There is at lease a split second in which they make the decision to be violent. This isn’t a mental illness.

Does he have trouble in his job?
Doesn’t matter. I have bad days all the time and I chose not to run people off the road or commit violent acts against my family. Or call people names on forums.

Is he addicted?
How will continuing to take abuse help? People will not typically decide to get help just because others (even loved ones) ask or tell them to get help. The abuser will probably have to hit somewhere underneath rock bottom before he gets help. He’s not going to docilely go to rehab or whatever. Most would rather die before getting help. Men are worse then women when it comes to seeking help for anything.

Does he love your Mom?
Terrorizing one’s family is an odd way of showing love.

I’m curious how you think a parent like this would show love that could possibly make-up for abuse.

Abusers are often sorry for what they did, give gifts and promise that they won’t do it again. But they do. It’s part of the cycle of violence.

Why does anyone ever show more sensitivity to the abuser and none to the abused? It is (sort of, in a way) laudible to want to understand what is going on with an abuser but only AFTER the family is safe form abuse and is getting help. Not before. Then it’s just insensitive and unsupportive. Victims too often second guess themselves and stay in harms way for too long.

**Regarding what I said above: One does not automatically grow up to be an abuser if one has been abused. It is a choice to abuse. It is a choice to break the cycle of abuse. It boils down to self control. NO ONE ever deserves abuse.
 
Bruised Reed:
Chrisus Rex,

From here:
**Refuge’s 24-hour National Crisis Line **
0990 995 443
National crisis line, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year which provides advice and support to those experiencing domestic violence and refers women and children on to the 250 refuges nationwide.
(…)
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I didn’t quote my whole post but please consider calling this number or one like it in case the police are unresponsive. Unfortunately, sometimes they are, depending on their training and experience, among other things. Too often they see women who call for help only to go back to their abuser. Again and again. It take a woman an average of 7 times to leave her abuser. This can be discouraging to the police and others who help her and they can become lax

As Pug said, keep trying until you find someone who helps you.
 
If anything your father does should result in the hospitalization or death of another family member, you would feel very bad for a long time. Not that you would be responsible, but that you would suffer immensely. You have done absolutely nothing wrong or to feel ashamed about. Neither have your little brothers. But they need you. Please be brave, call the police now. Get your father the help he so desperately needs, and spare your family any more of this hideous abuse. After you call the police, then call your church and see how they can support your family during this painful time. Police first, then the church. This is what a good priest would tell you what to do. You are a courageous young man, thank you for taking care of your brothers. Please keep us posted.
 
Bruised Reed:
Why are you asking a 14 (almost 15) year old to explain his abusive father’s actions? Asking this of a victim isn’t as bad as blaming the victim, but it comes real close.

Does your father love you?
Are you suggesting that abuse is somehow cancelled out by love? It’s not. It only augments the pain and (emotional) injury because the would-be protector is the abuser.

Is he sick?
And if he is, this should not be a reason to seek help for the rest of the family. Abusers are notorious for not getting help. And unfortunately rarely change, even with “help”.

How is he other times?
Doesn’t matter. Family violence has significant lasting affects on it’s victims. Boys** are more likely to become abusers and girls victims in adult relationships because that is what has been modeled. The self-worth of victims is almost non-existant.

And did you note that Christus Rex said that this happens weekly for as long as he can remember? Just how long should he and the rest of his family put up with this? What ratio of “good times” to abuse is acceptable here?

What do you think the problem is? The prolem is that abusers choose their behavior. There is at lease a split second in which they make the decision to be violent. This isn’t a mental illness.

Does he have trouble in his job?
Doesn’t matter. I have bad days all the time and I chose not to run people off the road or commit violent acts against my family. Or call people names on forums.

Is he addicted?
How will continuing to take abuse help? People will not typically decide to get help just because others (even loved ones) ask or tell them to get help. The abuser will probably have to hit somewhere underneath rock bottom before he gets help. He’s not going to docilely go to rehab or whatever. Most would rather die before getting help. Men are worse then women when it comes to seeking help for anything.

Does he love your Mom?
Terrorizing one’s family is an odd way of showing love.

I’m curious how you think a parent like this would show love that could possibly make-up for abuse.

Abusers are often sorry for what they did, give gifts and promise that they won’t do it again. But they do. It’s part of the cycle of violence.

Why does anyone ever show more sensitivity to the abuser and none to the abused? It is (sort of, in a way) laudible to want to understand what is going on with an abuser but only AFTER the family is safe form abuse and is getting help. Not before. Then it’s just insensitive and unsupportive. Victims too often second guess themselves and stay in harms way for too long.

**Regarding what I said above: One does not automatically grow up to be an abuser if one has been abused. It is a choice to abuse. It is a choice to break the cycle of abuse. It boils down to self control. NO ONE ever deserves abuse.
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Some very good points! Although I think it is arrogant to say that someone who cannot control their temper doesn’t love their family–it is much more complicated than that–it is also true that “sorry” too often means “don’t break this cycle, because I’m convinced that I need it.” If you grow to adulthood and habitually use violence when you’re angry or frustrated (“weekly, for as long as I can remember”), it doesn’t matter if you’re violent out of choice or out of weakness to do better. Just wishing you could change your habit of violence won’t give you self-control. It takes more than that.

We all hope that when this is resolved your dad will be a better man for it, if for no other reason than for the need of his sons for a loving, self-controlled father. In the meantime, though, do not hesitate to get protection for yourself and your brothers. It may make your dad and maybe even your mom mad in the short term, but no matter how they choose to handle it in the long run, you will not look back and regret it, I promise you, and neither will those brothers of yours.
 
To my fellow Forum posters:

I’m not an expert, but advocacy is what I do for a living so here goes…

Please try not to tell a victim what to do. Offer choices. Collectively we are doing that. And I’ve tried to. I know that what is behind it is a sense of urgency and a desire to help.

And please do not use guilt as a motivator. We do not know what will happen in the future but what has happened (the weekly incidents of abuse) and what is happening right now (the feeling of “walking on eggshells”, the sadness, fear, the anger, bruises, black eyes) are better motivators. They are real and credible and actually can point to the appropriate action.

Please take my suggestions as they are offered: with as much humilty as this sinner can muster at this time.

To Christus Rex:

Do you see how so many people care about you and your family? You are not alone.

I hope with all the advice and prayers offered that you will figure out the right thing to do. Trust you gut.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
Some very good points! Although I think it is arrogant to say that someone who cannot control their temper doesn’t love their family–it is much more complicated than that–it is also true that “sorry” too often means “don’t break this cycle, because I’m convinced that I need it.” If you grow to adulthood and habitually use violence when you’re angry or frustrated (“weekly, for as long as I can remember”), it doesn’t matter if you’re violent out of choice or out of weakness to do better. Just wishing you could change your habit of violence won’t give you self-control. It takes more than that.

(…)
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At no point did I day that the dad doesn’t love his family. I did indicate that it’s a funny way of showing it. There are lots of ways one can “lose their temper” that does not terrorize the family. Or harm others.

And I’m in no suggesting a professional should redirect his violence from his family toward his employees instead. But if I had to choose…
 
Thanks for the replies everyone.

Last night, my brothers were arguing. The youngest one ran off to find my dad. My dad ran up the stairs, and dragged the middle brother into his room and shut the door, trying to intimidate him jhis bully ways). He hen had a go at him, for domething he hadnt done. My dad does this ALL the time. he doesn’t wait to find the truth, he just jumps in there.

When I got home, my brother was playing up now, because of what my dad had done. My mum told him he could at in his bedroom now. He refused to go. My dad leapt up from the table, grabbed my brother round the neck, picked him up, threw him out of the dining room and then kicked him. My little sister (9) started screaming so I picked her up and took her upstairs while my other brother and sister helped my brother. We then took photos of my brothers back. My mum and dad downstairs started to argue about what he had done (he will never admit he is wrong).

My sister went to pick up some food from downstairs. She brought it up (we hadnt had anything to eat). My dad then raced up the stairs. I was in the bedroom with my little sister clming her down. I rushed out to find that my little brother (10) had blocked the stairs with his body to protect my sister. My dad picked this little boy and threw him. His head JUST missed the wall. My dad went backstairs leaving my brother screaming, my mother, brother and sisters crying, and me trying to calm them all down.

He does this because hes a nasty man who believes his children should do meverything he says without question. He’s also under the influence of alcohol, but even when he isnt drinking hes aggressive. A couple of years ago he did a program at my mum’s church to get off alcohol. He was alright for a bit. Then a few months later he slipped back.

My dad is ‘Catholic’. He hasnt been to church in years and disagrees with the Church on everything. I was raised Anglican, but I converted to Catholicism in the summer. My family have not been supportive (I’m obsessed with Catholicism apparently.)

I think what I’ll do is call Childline and talk to them, and see what they think I should do.
 
Christus Rex:
I think what I’ll do is call Childline and talk to them, and see what they think I should do.
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Yes Childline 0800 1111 will advise without you having to give away your idenity and it’s freephone.
And I’m sure you know the equivalent number to 911 over there and here is 999, like I posted in #10.

Childline would be the first port of call and police last, **you have to weigh up the danger ** and those people at childline can advise the best action.
Sadly once you invite social workers and welfare people into your house you’ll have them untill everyone in the house is 18, it’s a difficult situation. (18 is when your legally an adult here)

You dad probably needs help as well, plus you need to have a quiet word in your mother’s ear who probably doesn’t know what is the right thing to do.

Yes like some posted it can be worse at Christmas, but ironically my dad drank and was quiet at Christmas, but he sure made up for it the rest of the year, oh well sigh !!! best of luck.
 
Hey Michael,

I would call the police and just skip childline. Or maybe you could go to the police station, and talk it over with a police officer, they have support units and things like that. There are probably a whole load of things that they can do which no one here has even thought of yet. I would go an see a police officer, you aren’t obliged to do anything if you do - you have nothing to loose.
 
Christus Rex:
If he’s not gone by the time I go back to school, I plan to show these photos to a teacher as soon as I get back to school. I need to protect my family, and if it means getting rid of him permanently, well, he won’t be missed.

Am I doing the right thing?
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Almost. There should be “if he’s not gone” thinking. Regardless, the proper authorities must be notified.

When I was about 5-years-old, I ran out of my house to a neighbor’s to get them to call the police to make my father stop hitting my mother. I’ve never regretted that act.

– Mark L. Chance.
 
I really think you KNOW what you need to do. I will pray that you find the courage to do what is right for you, your family and your father. Please take a few minutes and ask the Holy Spirit to give you the strength you need to do what is right. Jesus never said that doing things right would be easy. Just remember the phrase “tough love” and stick to the decision you KNOW you must do and do it NOW.

I leave you with my prayers!
 
Bruised Reed:
At no point did I day that the dad doesn’t love his family. I did indicate that it’s a funny way of showing it. There are lots of ways one can “lose their temper” that does not terrorize the family. Or harm others.

And I’m in no suggesting a professional should redirect his violence from his family toward his employees instead. But if I had to choose…
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Bruised Reed: Sorry. The “Some very good points!” part was aimed at you. The rest was just general observations. I don’t know if Christus Rex has a sense that his dad loves him or that his mom might be in opposition, but if he does, it can really confuse things. It is tragic that someone so young is faced with such choices because those who should be protecting him are abdicating their responsibility.

Christus Rex, you are in the prayers of many. Hang in there and do the best you can. Whatever happens, remember that none of this is your fault, no matter what course of action you take. Do not for a moment punish yourself for any of this, no matter what happens. The evil going on is not your fault, and the responsibility that has landed on your lap is not your responsibility. Do the best you know how to do at the time, and leave the rest to God.

I hope that through all this you find an adult to mentor you, by the way. You have taken so much upon your own shoulders in your family. Give yourself permission to find someone to lean on for yourself. We all need that, but a young person at your age needs it particularly. May God find that person for you.
 
Get help right now. Don’t wait another moment, someone could get hurt and then not get better. This is abuse and you have done nothing wrong, and getting help will not be wrong.

God Bless you.
 
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Della:
Dial 911 and turn him in. This is domestic abuse and it is a crime. Your dad is not going to change unless he is made to change. And, your family doesn’t deserve to live with a violent, abusive man who is putting you all in serious danger of your lives. DO IT NOW!!! You have my prayers and my sympathy.

Just wanted to add–don’t hold back because of Christmas. It is a fact that abusers get even worse over holidays. You don’t want to remember Christmas as the day someone went into the hospital or worse because your father is out of control.
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Della… on the last part… where can you show me something that proves this. Don’t make stuff up if you’re not sure. That is not a fact, that is a matter or self-knowledge.

And as to the topic… think about it. Tell him how you feel (i know that sounds corny) but trust me it’ll work. Tell him that it’s not good. STUBBORN PEOPLE can be stopped/cured. CALM HIM DOWN. sit him down when he’s in a good mood. Look him in the eye. EYE CONTACT IS BENIFICIAL FOR A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. tell him you love him. I KNOW THAT EVEN AFTER ALL THIS YOU love him deep inside. LOVE NEVER DIES!!! and just talk with him. Tell him, explain the stuff to him. How would he feel if he hurt a kid??? it hurts. love hurts. anger hurts. the truth hurts
 
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albsanch:
Della… on the last part… where can you show me something that proves this. Don’t make stuff up if you’re not sure. That is not a fact, that is a matter or self-knowledge.

And as to the topic… think about it. Tell him how you feel (i know that sounds corny) but trust me it’ll work. Tell him that it’s not good. STUBBORN PEOPLE can be stopped/cured. CALM HIM DOWN. sit him down when he’s in a good mood. Look him in the eye. EYE CONTACT IS BENIFICIAL FOR A GOOD COMMUNICATOR. tell him you love him. I KNOW THAT EVEN AFTER ALL THIS YOU love him deep inside. LOVE NEVER DIES!!! and just talk with him. Tell him, explain the stuff to him. How would he feel if he hurt a kid??? it hurts. love hurts. anger hurts. the truth hurts
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In most normal homes this would be wonderful advice but I, myself, grew up in an abusive home. If I had sat my mother down and explained that her calling me awful names was emotionally painful I would have been subjected to even more abuse. It would be nice if life was like an episode of Oprah where a simple, honest, heartfelt discussion could work wonders but that is often sadly not the case.
 
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