My boyfriend always wanted to be a priest

  • Thread starter Thread starter smurf0326
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Best advice I ever heard from a priest on this matter is “just choose”. God will honor either choose.

Your BF cant make a decision and this should send red flags up for many reasons. What will happen if you get married? What about decisions to move or to have children? He needs to take this time and learn how to discern. He needs help and it should be coming from his spiritual advisor.

You also need to take time away and figure out what you want in a relationship. It’s not all about support him in his journey but helping you in yours. If you have discerned marriage is your vocation you need to look hard at whether he is able to be the man who can match you. If not, move on. If not sure then while he is gone don’t wait for him. Pray for him but live your life to the fullest and try to date and basically have life without him. You don’t want him to decide he does want to be a religious man and then you have wasted 2 or 3 years of your life. If your available if\when he gets back then you can decided whether to date again but dont make decision for the future that might not come around.

Mostly just Pray, pray, pray for guidance and do not be afraid if the answer is not what you want to hear right now. Ask God to open your heart and lead you his path and to give you the strength to follow it.
 
Plus at this point we pratically living together.
Click to expand...
What exactly does that mean? It’s hard to tell from your original post.

One should only be courting (I advise against DATING in all cases), if one has discerned a call to the married life. He hasn’t. He feels called to the priesthood or religious life and should be discerning that call.

I would add, that you seem to have discerned a call to the married life, and if you are dating someone who hasn’t, you are not only wasting his time, you are wasting YOUR time.

Pax and God bless.
 
Dear Smurf,

For the sake of both your futures, you must extracate yourself from this “boyfriend.” I dated a guy who became a seminarian and I desperately wished he would chose me over the order he joined. I pushed for closeness when I should have given him the proper space for discernment. What in the world was I thinking? It is an awful thing to stand between someone and the future God wants for them, particularly if this is a vocation to the priesthood! You are playing with fire and are currently in a desperate situation.

As for your BF, he sounds like a kid in a toy store with too many choices, but he can only walk out of the store with exactly one toy. What shall he buy with the coin of his life? It is clear, crystal clear, that he has no clue, he wants to play with each toy before making that decision. But you are no toy and are losing time and emotional energy while he plays games. And you are placing him under inordinate pressure to chose you and he cannot deal with this. I am surprised that his family is supportive of both his folly and of you. And that your family is on-board as well, this is not a good thing.

Now, about twenty five years later, I have a daughter who is discerning her vocation. Way back then, I let that guy go into the seminary ( and I drove him there-how pathetic is that?), and he dated while in the seminary after we broke up! He was so confused. Sheesh, glad to get him out of my life, best decision I could have made. Anyway, I did meet the dear, good and holy man who I would later marry, and now our oldest daughter longs to serve God as a nun. Her discernment process looks nothing like your boyfriend’s. Hers is more Godly, more peaceful, more about having Christ be the center of her life. She talks about loving God the way others talk about loving their boyfriends or husbands. It’s beautiful and its plain for all to see that she has a vocation. When she is not studying, she goes to Mass, reads the bible, about saints, and serves tirelessly. Goes to Confession regularly. She would never consider going to an order and staying for a couple of months, then leaving, going to another, and so on. Her discerment process is so profound that she has a real sense of direction and is like an arrow sailing through the air toward the target-heaven!

And the fact that you have children from a previous marriage would suggest to me that you have more at stake than a never married woman who is childless. You are under pressure, the clock is ticking, he is younger… so much of this sounds harried, a lack of peace is not a sign that God is at the center of things. Have you talked to your parish priest about this? Or his parish priest? That would be a good first step to detaching yourself from this situation. What does his confessor or spiritual director think of all of this?

For the sake of your precious children, for the sake of your well-being, separate yourself from this man. When a man really loves you, there is no doubt in his mind that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you-that much is guaranteed. He longs to be with her forever and ever, would not tolerate any spearation. This guy just isn’t there. Cut him loose so he can find out what God wants him to do with his life. You deserve better. You will know peace from this in time. Don’t see him in a month, or at Christmas, or anytime soon. Give him 9-12 months at least. And about his family, disconnect with them as well. Expect sorrow there, but don’t dwell on it, find new friends, connect with your own family for support. His parents probably don’t want him to be a priest, so they want you actively involved in his life to muddle his thinking. That is sinful. I was in that position too, twenty-five years ago. All of this craziness interfers with the exercise of free will. It will be a huge source of sadness to step back, but you should imagine that he is called to be a priest and act accordingly. He cannot discern a celibate life and imagine the profound sacrifices a man makes by becoming a priest while he has a cozy, longing, commited girlfriend waiting in the wings. How can he possibly understand the depth of a priestly life under this pressure, it distorts reality for him. Honestly, I’m surprised that his spiritual director allows him to be in a committed relationship with you. If the spiritual director even knows… in some ways, he is behaving like a two-timing boyfriend. Flirting with someone else. If this involved another woman, your course of action would be clear. The Church is your “other woman.” You cannot compete with that. Please leave him at once. Tell him when he has his life figured out, to give you a call and if you are still available, you can go out again. In the meantime, please date others and let him know that just as he is entertaining various futures for himself, so shall you do the same. Let him know you are not waiting for him to sort out his life. Tell him you are called to be a wife and mother and will be seeking to fulfill your vocation as well.

You deserve a man who is certain about his call to marriage. Let him go. Do not be afraid for your future or for your children. God loves you and will take care of you and your children forever.
 
smurf0326 said:
Well I have been seeing this guy for over 1 1/2 yrs. When we first started dating he told me of his desire to be a priest since he was young but was torn with it recently. He was originally in a seminary for 3 years but then came out for a few years and was contiplating his calling. Well then we met and became friends and just hit it off and started dating. He originally was to enter a religious order before we met and decided to wait a year. Well after we started dating a few months after brought this up about entering the religous order and maybe going in now rather then waiting so he can discern and wanted my support. Well was quite hesitant being relationship so new but at the same time we fell in love. He was quite torn with this decision too as we discussed it extensively but we both agreed we rather him go in now and discern then wait. Well he entered the order and we still of course kept contact via phone. Well 79 days later he comes out of this religious order and then comes home to me and his family (who mind you I have became very close with and they are like family to me also) and proceeds to tell us he was not happy there and wanted to enter this other religious order. Well two weeks after being home he left for next order. Within three months there he came home again. You can tell he was not happy and so torn. He decided to wait a year and told me that he felt our relationship did not have a real chance and wanted to give it a try. Well I thought this was great. But then he acted differently. Again out of sorts and very torn with me and his relationship with God. So as much as we stayed togther our relationship had many emotional ups and downs. But some how we stuck this out together and our relationship really soared and became so much stronger. We are both totally in love with each other and have the greatest relationship. We discuss marriage, family lie, etc. We do everything together. Our familie have great relationship too. Plus at this point we pratically living together. But still as great as things were in back of his mine was still priestly calling. So when I think things are going well he tells me that he feels he needs to go away and do this one last time and try to discern if he is called to priesthood or married life. I know he loves me as much as I do him, it is quite evident but being this is something he felt he wanted his entire life, well of course it is scary to give that all up for a woman even though in love it is all new for him and I think afraid to take chances. He has dated other woman but says first time ever fell in love (He is mid twenties and I early 30’s.) I am not sure if I am crazy but after lengthy discussions I agree to support him this one last time. I am so sad right now and confused but at same time so in love but just want him to be happy as well as myself. It was very sad moment for both of us to say goodbye yesterday. He wants me to come and visit him in a month out there. He says he wont keep me in limbo cause he is aware of my vocation to family life.

I am not sure how this all sounds. Maybe if being priest will not be his calling anymore then maybe God has placed him hear to maybe get his life in order to be a better husband and more mature person. I dont know. I just pray and leave this all in gods hands. Whatever is decided it is Gods will and I will accept it.
Click to expand...
 
He has discussed me with spirital advisor and pastor at church. Not sure the proper guidance he is receiving from all this
 
Cupofkindness said:
Dear Smurf,

You are so right about everything. I know the truth deep inside and the route I should take but my heart keeps telling me other. I need to pray and focus as you said on my vocation and then maybe things will fall into place. My happiness is just as important and wish he see this I need just as much support I think too.

I really felt empowered reading your post. Thank you very much.
Click to expand...
 
Well as for his family, they support him as long as happy but feel it is quite unfair what he is doing to me but it is our choice to continue this relationship during this discernment. As for my family they are unaware that he has left for religious order again. Kind of did not tell them that is where he is at this time.

When he left which was odd he told no one really in a timely manner he just up and left. To me how real can you be with this then. Or is that the coward way out. His family has dealt with this even before I met him so I guess tolerance level is not as high.
 
jmjconder said:
**
If a person does not follow their God given vocation - they will never be happy.**
Click to expand...
I disagree with this on an absolute level. It may definitely be harder to ‘attain’ that happiness. I think you should try your best to discern, but don’t look at it as a life of unhappiness/despair if you miss it. Trust in God. All things work unto good to those who love God.

Every good man will feel a tug to the priesthood and married life to some degree. If he is expecting this to change, then he should change his expectations. There was a seminary where a religious sister superior was giving a discernment retreat and she asked the prospective seminarians, “Does anyone here not want to be a husband and father?” “If you do not, then leave now. I have no need of you.” It’s because both vocations require the same genuine stuff in a man.

Ask him if he is over-spiritualizing his discernment; ignoring the practical ‘hints’ of God.
You can “over-discern” things. Many good priests should have been married, just as many good married men should have been priests. I think too many people pounce on forcefully supporting a man who is discerning priesthood. God may have planted the desire in his heart to be with you for a reason. It’s one thing to start dating someone who’s heart is not all there for you. It’s another if both of you already love each other dearly.
**Does he have a good spiritual director [SD]? Do you? ** Also, does he suffer from scrupulosity? You don’t have to answer these, they’re just things to consider. **You’d probably get better counsel and advice from a SD than you would on a forum. **

The following sentence is a suggestion that may or nay not be a good one (I haven’t thought this through): If your beloved feels so called to the priesthood and to a relationship with you, perhaps he should check out some of the eastern Catholic churches, since married men can be ordained in some churches.

I feel like you should go Byzantine or whatever rite because that is where God is wants you, and not as a means to end of being a priest and married (as one friend of mine put it, “you get your cake and it too,” is not the mentality one should have).

God’s can work in mysterious ways. Also, check out Theology of the Body.

Peace to your heart
 
Here is my advice after being very close friends with a man who did enter and order and is now a Fransican.

I would tell him you need to break up. That you won’t be keeping in touch with him while he is in the latest order. He needs space and so do you. Let him know his back and forth has been hard on you. Whether or not he has a vocation to religious life, he is not treating you well by expecting you to be there whenever he stops playing at being a priest.

His behavior just doesn’t strike me as being very mature. Only staying with a certain order for a few months or less because he is “lonely” doesn’t hint at a true commitment to religious life. But, it doesn’t automatically mean he is ready to get married, or that you are who he should marry.

I think you need to do some dscernment of your own. Break up with him and decide what YOU want. In a future spouse, in family life, even in work. God is calling you also. And it doesn’t seem like this relationship is the best place for you.
 
Re-read your post again more carefully and a few things jumped out at me. The request for your to visit a far-away seminary/order. That is totally out of the question and the people in charge there should let him know. A Seminarian should not be getting visits from a girlfriend! How inappropriate!

Also the fact that you were “practically living together” I assume to mean you spent an inordinate amount of time together. (I assume it doesn’t mean you were sleeping together.) That is not a good idea in any unmarried relationship, but was likely also very confusing for your children.

Just as he needs to man up and make a decision, you need to understand that as a Mom your first priority is to your children. They have had enough confusion in their lives. Focus on creating a stable home life for them. Look carefully before you begin dating, because marriage should be a priority for you. Men you are not free to marry, men caught up in discernment of the priesthood, are not the men you should look for. Steer clear of them and guard your heart.

I will be praying for you.
 
You are a very strong woman I first must say. The discernment process is different for everyone, for some they know the first visit and some it takes years! I think your best bet is to let him discern alone. No letters, phone calls, e-mails or texts. He is there to really think things through and listen to what God is calling him to do. How can he do that if you are in his other ear? I do not blame him for getting up and going without telling anyone this time. He probably feels as though his family and yours is sick of hearing about this and doesn’t give them much promise for the future since he is still processing these feelings. I think any family would kind of think the same. But if it was my son struggling with this decision, I would want him to know without a doubt that the decision he was making was right. As I said, the process can be long for some people but God will never give you more than you can handle. Both of you are in tough situations right now. Just take it one day at a time and with lots of prayer you will both find your answers…
 
As a teenager I gave a lot ov consideration to a possible vocation to the priesthood - SO I can strongly understand this mans feelings.
For me as I matured I realised that my vocation was to be a daddy, rather than a “Father”
As Roman Catholics you cannot normally change Rites to an eastern Rite church. so I do not think that the suggestion of changing Rite is a realistic possibility.

As an adult, around 30 years Old I finally met the Woman who God was calling me to. We were engaged to be married, and about 1 year before our wedding I faced a major emotional crisis of vocation.
The issue was that we were told by my fiancée’s doctors that she would almost certainly be infertile - that it would require a miracle to conceive. To carry a child to term would require a second one.

I struggled with this enormously - especially as I was not able to meet with my previous spiritual director (several hundred miles away), However I had previously had the private revelation that “She is the One” which in turn related to a private revelation many years ago which described specific characteristics of our relationship: “My future wife & I would lead each other back to the Church”. That prophesy was coming true.

I took the leap of faith and proceeded with the wedding. we were married on 30th August 2008.
Our first Son was born in March 2010. I named him “Caoimhín” which means Boy of Blessed Birth - and is the name of an Irish Saint.
Our 2nd child is expected in April 2012

I still struggle with my secondary callings, & how to live a Holy & devout life. I am currently discerning a possible calling to the Deaconate - but I have many years before a decision on that will be possible (Cannon Law ordination of men with young children).

For you: You must find and discern your own vocation: Religious, or Lay community, Single, or Married. even within those there are huge opportunities for variation.
I reccomend you look at the teachings of the Little Flower (St. Therese of Lisieux), St. Francis de Sales book “Introduction to a Devout Life”, and the general teachings about Holyness in any life of St Josémaria Escríva.
While these teachings do not lead to one specific vocation they are useful in identifying all vocations are equal - and the right one for you is the one to which God is calling you.

You must also assist your Boyfriend discern his true vocation by staying out of his way to make a decision - (unless you sincerely believe he is making the wrong choice.)
I agree with the others that he should not be allowed to think that he has you waiting for him.

That is Very damaging for both of you. I kept a torch burning for an ex-girlfriend for 3 years - It harmed us both. you must set each-other free - properly, (and with love.)
 
MarisaJean said:
You are a very strong woman I first must say. The discernment process is different for everyone, for some they know the first visit and some it takes years! I think your best bet is to let him discern alone. No letters, phone calls, e-mails or texts. He is there to really think things through and listen to what God is calling him to do. How can he do that if you are in his other ear? I do not blame him for getting up and going without telling anyone this time. He probably feels as though his family and yours is sick of hearing about this and doesn’t give them much promise for the future since he is still processing these feelings. I think any family would kind of think the same. But if it was my son struggling with this decision, I would want him to know without a doubt that the decision he was making was right. As I said, the process can be long for some people but God will never give you more than you can handle. Both of you are in tough situations right now. Just take it one day at a time and with lots of prayer you will both find your answers…
Click to expand...
Well unfortunately he contacts me just as much thru day if not more. Maybe this is still fresh for both of us being apart. Who knows. Things will settle and we both need to do lot of thinking. I am not pushy, I dont say much this time around, but at same token as I support him he needs to support me also. It does go both ways.
 
anruari said:
As a teenager I gave a lot ov consideration to a possible vocation to the priesthood - SO I can strongly understand this mans feelings.
For me as I matured I realised that my vocation was to be a daddy, rather than a “Father”
As Roman Catholics you cannot normally change Rites to an eastern Rite church. so I do not think that the suggestion of changing Rite is a realistic possibility.

As an adult, around 30 years Old I finally met the Woman who God was calling me to. We were engaged to be married, and about 1 year before our wedding I faced a major emotional crisis of vocation.
The issue was that we were told by my fiancée’s doctors that she would almost certainly be infertile - that it would require a miracle to conceive. To carry a child to term would require a second one.

I struggled with this enormously - especially as I was not able to meet with my previous spiritual director (several hundred miles away), However I had previously had the private revelation that “She is the One” which in turn related to a private revelation many years ago which described specific characteristics of our relationship: “My future wife & I would lead each other back to the Church”. That prophesy was coming true.

I took the leap of faith and proceeded with the wedding. we were married on 30th August 2008.
Our first Son was born in March 2010. I named him “Caoimhín” which means Boy of Blessed Birth - and is the name of an Irish Saint.
Our 2nd child is expected in April 2012

I still struggle with my secondary callings, & how to live a Holy & devout life. I am currently discerning a possible calling to the Deaconate - but I have many years before a decision on that will be possible (Cannon Law ordination of men with young children).

For you: You must find and discern your own vocation: Religious, or Lay community, Single, or Married. even within those there are huge opportunities for variation.
I reccomend you look at the teachings of the Little Flower (St. Therese of Lisieux), St. Francis de Sales book “Introduction to a Devout Life”, and the general teachings about Holyness in any life of St Josémaria Escríva.
While these teachings do not lead to one specific vocation they are useful in identifying all vocations are equal - and the right one for you is the one to which God is calling you.

You must also assist your Boyfriend discern his true vocation by staying out of his way to make a decision - (unless you sincerely believe he is making the wrong choice.)
I agree with the others that he should not be allowed to think that he has you waiting for him.

That is Very damaging for both of you. I kept a torch burning for an ex-girlfriend for 3 years - It harmed us both. you must set each-other free - properly, (and with love.)
Click to expand...
So hard to just let go, especially for both of us. We were so connected and close upon him leaving. Being apart will help but we keep daily contact. I dont say much. WE do miss each other but I try not to get emotional but just have everyday discussions. Sometimes I personally think he is ignoring the suttle hints that god is giving him as one person stated on here, but maybe I wrong. I have a spiritual advisor who kind of feels the same way as he knows both of us. He claims he has not emotionally detached himself from me to truly disern, nor have I as I need to disern myself. He asked me to stand by him and support him this last time, I agreed but it is hard. I dont think it is good that he knows I just waiting in the wings for him and we can just pick up the pieces. I guess we just take it day by day and see what happens. I appreciate your post as lot of it is true but just easier said then done for both of us.
 
Smuf,

I think you received some very good advice here. I’m amazed with how patient and loving you are, and ready to support this. I’m witnessing a situation similar to yours irl where the woman is also waiting for the man to make up his mind and hoping that his choice would be marriage.

This is the question I want to ask: why would you want to marry a man who is not sure if he wants you or not?

I know this question has been asked here already but it is worth repeating.

It is obvious that his discernment process is not going that way it should be done. He doesn’t seem serious about it, is taking advantage of you and is showing himself to be afraid of committment, both to you and God. I think it is never a good idea to marry a commitment-phobe, they normally don’t handle well certain challenges in life. I understand that you love him, but that is not the same thing as him being what you need in life. if I were you I’d stop viewing this situation in terms of his discernment and focus on the problem that he is not sure about you and is playing games. By focusing on his behaviour towards you could help you see more clearly whether he is husband material in the first place. The fact that he is discerning priesthood makes this situation seem almost romantic and some people have advised you to stay away and let him work it out in peace. I firmly believe that if he were serious about this process he would not be seeking regular contact with you in the first place. It is his responsibility to behave in an appropriate way during this process. For this reason he seems quite selfish and immature. Again, not qualities I’d look for in a husband.

I hope things work out and that you don’t get hurt. God bless.
 
smurf0326 said:
So hard to just let go, especially for both of us. We were so connected and close upon him leaving. Being apart will help but we keep daily contact. I dont say much. WE do miss each other but I try not to get emotional but just have everyday discussions. Sometimes I personally think he is ignoring the suttle hints that god is giving him as one person stated on here, but maybe I wrong. I have a spiritual advisor who kind of feels the same way as he knows both of us. He claims he has not emotionally detached himself from me to truly disern, nor have I as I need to disern myself. He asked me to stand by him and support him this last time, I agreed but it is hard. I dont think it is good that he knows I just waiting in the wings for him and we can just pick up the pieces. I guess we just take it day by day and see what happens. I appreciate your post as lot of it is true but just easier said then done for both of us.
Click to expand...
Dear Smurf:

I beg you to break away from this man. You are contributing to another discernment failure, you are pushing him farther from God’s will in his life because he will not be able to seek God’s true vocation for him. Based on his past, this may well delay his future for another year… or two… or longer. Priesthood or marriage… contact of any sort is deleterious to both your futures. This shows a lack of trust in God. If the Church is to be his Bride, please for your sake and that of your children, step back! You do not want your children to see you chase a man while he is in the seminary. It’s unseemly and a poor example which may come back to haunt you, so to speak. You do not have time to invest in dead-end relationships if your call is to marriage. If he is to become a priest, he needs to become a man of strength of character who can handle suffering and sacrifice. This is essential because the life of a devout priest is so hard! Help him do so, let this man take his first steps alone, just as a mother must let her child learn to walk-she cannot do it for him.

I know that it will be devastating in countless ways. You will feel miserable, alone, unwanted, hopeless, and will fear that there will be no one like him out there for you. You and this man have become one in so many ways that you will feel like part of you has died. I understand. For weeks I referred to the seminary as the cemetery. I kept saying “He has gone to the cemetery” to people who asked what he was up to, then corrected myself, only adding to the confusion of it all. It was awful, I had to explain people who were used to seeing us together! And humiliating! It seemed like a blatant sign that I was a female failure, I wasn’t enough of a woman to keep him, a celibate life was better than a future with me. The pain was unbelievable and nearly unbearable, and at the time, I didn’t know if I could get through it. I cried bitterly for weeks and felt a mixture of anger, despair and guilt, plus shame that I even dated someone with a call to begin with. But then God, in his graciousness, provide not one but three intelligent, kind, handsome guys who were interested in me shortly after this break-up. Three! God is so good. Please do not be afraid. Listen to your spiritual director. This man is not the guy for you at this point in your lives. Leave him to his discernment and get on with your life as well. Don’t waste your time, which is fleeting, your emotional energy, which is limited, on a man who is uncertain about his future.

Smurf, take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Go to Mass and Confession more often. For now, please, please tell him that you will no longer send him or accept texts from him, or from his family about him. Send him one last goodbye text. Texting seem so innocuous, but texts in fact maintain a constant connection, like an umbilical cord. Be strong, Smurf! If you must, take texting off of your plan or change your phone number. Do not consult him about this, and don’t tell his family either. Let him sleep in the bed that he has made for himself and feel the true reality of celebacy. This relationship needs someone to be strong and grounded and it obviously isn’t him! You don’t want to be forty and still in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who doesn’t know himself and cannot discern his future.

You will see in time that “knowing oneself” as God sees us, as we really are, is a significant characteristic of maturity and acceptance of the true self as God created us, and this enables us to be at the helm of our future. He is on a ship without a crew, you cannot captain that ship, the journey will not end well, as you are experiencing now. Do you not see that your boyfriend does not know himself fully, and is unlikely to do so anytime soon. He is taking advantage of your kindness and goodness. He is not doing the manly thing, what he is doing is selfish and driven by fear. Please do the honorable thing since he cannot: end this relationship and look toward a different future for yourself. Do not be the “other woman” to the Church, you deserve more than this! Let him go. You will survive and you will know peace, I promise you that. Trust God in all things and you will not be disappointed. It will be hard, trust God and let go.
 
Starting to really feel that break away will be best. I started to see little things he says that are very selfish. I feel he really does not appreciate my support but expects it. Expects me to send him gifts cause he away and wants things there that make him feel more comforting like home. Seriously not happening. Really he left me to discern and not that I believe that this is a reason for gift giving but seriously I am the one who get something to show appreciation for my support, even a letter or something that states appreciation. You can tell someone you love them over and over but do you really mean those words. Maybe I am just being a fool here. Why so hard for me to realize. I am venting right now, maybe I should not be on a forum. But honestly my family does not know back in religious order I keeping it secret I gave another accuse about him being away just doing ministries for a friend of his out of state. I really need to face reality here I think. Just really thought maybe as good as he was it was meant, maybe it is not. Lot of ppl on here saying how immature he is acting, but I am acting no better here I need to have better sense. My kids are priority.
 
Cupofkindness said:
Dear Smurf:

I beg you to break away from this man. You are contributing to another discernment failure, you are pushing him farther from God’s will in his life because he will not be able to seek God’s true vocation for him. Based on his past, this may well delay his future for another year… or two… or longer. Priesthood or marriage… contact of any sort is deleterious to both your futures. This shows a lack of trust in God. If the Church is to be his Bride, please for your sake and that of your children, step back! You do not want your children to see you chase a man while he is in the seminary. It’s unseemly and a poor example which may come back to haunt you, so to speak. You do not have time to invest in dead-end relationships if your call is to marriage. If he is to become a priest, he needs to become a man of strength of character who can handle suffering and sacrifice. This is essential because the life of a devout priest is so hard! Help him do so, let this man take his first steps alone, just as a mother must let her child learn to walk-she cannot do it for him.

I know that it will be devastating in countless ways. You will feel miserable, alone, unwanted, hopeless, and will fear that there will be no one like him out there for you. You and this man have become one in so many ways that you will feel like part of you has died. I understand. For weeks I referred to the seminary as the cemetery. I kept saying “He has gone to the cemetery” to people who asked what he was up to, then corrected myself, only adding to the confusion of it all. It was awful, I had to explain people who were used to seeing us together! And humiliating! It seemed like a blatant sign that I was a female failure, I wasn’t enough of a woman to keep him, a celibate life was better than a future with me. The pain was unbelievable and nearly unbearable, and at the time, I didn’t know if I could get through it. I cried bitterly for weeks and felt a mixture of anger, despair and guilt, plus shame that I even dated someone with a call to begin with. But then God, in his graciousness, provide not one but three intelligent, kind, handsome guys who were interested in me shortly after this break-up. Three! God is so good. Please do not be afraid. Listen to your spiritual director. This man is not the guy for you at this point in your lives. Leave him to his discernment and get on with your life as well. Don’t waste your time, which is fleeting, your emotional energy, which is limited, on a man who is uncertain about his future.

Smurf, take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Go to Mass and Confession more often. For now, please, please tell him that you will no longer send him or accept texts from him, or from his family about him. Send him one last goodbye text. Texting seem so innocuous, but texts in fact maintain a constant connection, like an umbilical cord. Be strong, Smurf! If you must, take texting off of your plan or change your phone number. Do not consult him about this, and don’t tell his family either. Let him sleep in the bed that he has made for himself and feel the true reality of celebacy. This relationship needs someone to be strong and grounded and it obviously isn’t him! You don’t want to be forty and still in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who doesn’t know himself and cannot discern his future.

You will see in time that “knowing oneself” as God sees us, as we really are, is a significant characteristic of maturity and acceptance of the true self as God created us, and this enables us to be at the helm of our future. He is on a ship without a crew, you cannot captain that ship, the journey will not end well, as you are experiencing now. Do you not see that your boyfriend does not know himself fully, and is unlikely to do so anytime soon. He is taking advantage of your kindness and goodness. He is not doing the manly thing, what he is doing is selfish and driven by fear. Please do the honorable thing since he cannot: end this relationship and look toward a different future for yourself. Do not be the “other woman” to the Church, you deserve more than this! Let him go. You will survive and you will know peace, I promise you that. Trust God in all things and you will not be disappointed. It will be hard, trust God and let go.
Click to expand...
Your messages are quite inspirational and caring, I am giving great thought to your words. They are so passionate. I have such a fear that I need to let go of so I can release myself from this endless drama and emotion that is weighting me down.
 
I dated a guy once that had discerned being a priest. He chose to marry but I really felt while dating him that he should have gone on to be a priest. We only dated a short while he was entering a secular order at the time but it felt like I was dating a priest the entire time. :eek:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top