Dear Puffins,
Keep praying about this, separately and together, but above all, be really honest with yourselves and with each other. Are you just clinging to one another out of fear of the consequences of a clear choice? Or in the hope that somehow things will resolve themselves even while you attempt to simultaneously maintain a committed relationship as well as the prospect of a life apart? You can’t have either of those options while hanging onto the other, even mentally.
Tillypuffin: I experienced something very similar with my last boyfriend (before I got married to someone else!). We dated two years, and every now and then he would flash the “discerning a vocation” card at me. I trusted his intentions, but each time we had the “should he be a priest” discussion, it damaged our increasingly fragile relationship. The degree of commitment we had forged was sabotaged with each new discussion, because I loved him and yet felt that I couldn’t stand between him and God.
Although I’m equally to blame for letting him “discern on my time,” it took two years for me to realize that he had no business putting me in a position where I felt guilty for holding him from a vocation, no business keeping me on edge about the future of our relationship, and no business discussing marriage vs the priesthood with me as if I could objectively help him choose between them. You can’t help him choose, Tilly - it’s something he’s got to figure out before involving you any more. Or perhaps you can help him choose: by amicably breaking up until he can see things clearer.
Obviously, my hind-sight is 20/20, but it helps that I’m happily married to a wonderful man whose intentions to marry me as soon as possible (!) were made crystal clear from the moment we met. The aformentioned two years with a “discerning” boyfriend was a good learning experience, yet a huge waste of my time and trust.
I do believe that “should we get married” discussions should go on for about a week–although marriage is a huge, serious commitment, it’s not something to be mulled over for years. Either both want it, and pursue it, or not.
This probably sounds pretty harsh and matter-a-fact. Needless to say, my experience above caused great heartache at the time, and I do know that this is a difficult time for you. In my experience, however, true love is so very simple. Don’t let what may be a mutual lack of honesty muddy the waters and complicate things.
My warmest wishes to you both.
Something came up this past weekend and he couldn’t meet me. And about public ridicule: If you want, you can ridicule me. You can even crucify me if you want. That’s okay. And I didn’t ask my gf to show up, she is just looking for prayers and support. I understand that I will have to break up with her if the Lord calls me to. That I am willing to do. We love each other and have agreed to dedicate our lives to God no matter what.
