My brother left the Church because of me

[TheLittleLady]

Well, stay close to Jesus. You will be 18 before you know it!

 

[Bluebright]

Oh I see, then it’s even more of an admirable move. Good for you.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Thanks for the link! Unfortunately it says I have to be 18 to join. I’m 16. But thanks anyway

I thought you were older…in that case…it is not uncommon for young adults to focus on studies. Not at all. In fact, some people, like myself and my husband, were careful even in college not to let romance distract us.

My brother went on dates in highschool but he would NOT “date” any one girl. He was a virgin and very clear that nothing was going to change that until he met the one he was going to marry an had a job that could support a family. Too many of his redneck friends became parents too soon.

You might find solace in young adult groups committed to chastity, or even in groups of “go-getters” who eschew teenage sex for higher education aspirations.

This is not to say that finding a supportive SSA community won’t add to your life, but being 16 you have a legitimate need to focus on school and your future. I’m sure some posters would disagree, and I do not want to dishearten or belittle you, but staying celibate through school years to accomplish a goal, is no more good or noble than staying celibate becuase of SSA. It becomes easy to simply state, “I’m not dating because I’m focsed on my education” rather than engage in an endless battle of opinion you will not win. The best he will then be able to say is that you’re not being fun. To which you can reply, “do you even understand how much time relationships take up? I don’t need that right now” In 2017 College is becoming less optional. Change the dialogue.

 

[Norseman82]

Today I had a horrible discussion with my brother and mother regarding what I plan to do in the future in terms of dealing with my sexuality (I struggle with SSA). I decided that I would stay chaste and not pursue any relationship with a man that would be bound to have sex in it. He got angry, said the Church brainwashed me. Told me I was one of the reason he left the Church. I feel so hurt and angry. He’s my twin. What do I do? I refuse to give into my attraction towards men. He thinks I’m not believing in my heart. I love him, but he’s hurting me. He says the Church is not letting me love.

Is there anyway I can get him to see my way and help him accept that I can’t go against God?

The first order of business is to get your brother off your back, and you should not have to pay $$$ to a counselor for this.

Who can bench more, you or your brother? Perhaps you need to find a gym that has open sparring and put the gloves on with your brother.

Honestly, if your brother is living a lifestyle that is sinful, I think you should call him out on it. For example, if he is unmarried and sexually active, you can tell him point blank “You didn’t leave the Church because of me. You left the Church because you want to be a fornicating bum.”.

 

[Norseman82]

Thanks for the link! Unfortunately it says I have to be 18 to join. I’m 16. But thanks anyway

OK, I just saw that you were 16.

Is it possible that the SSA is just a phase? Do you have any attraction to women? Do you have any desire for a wife and children?

Also, is your father still alive? If so, where is he in all of this?

 

[theCardinalbird]

OK, I just saw that you were 16.

Is it possible that the SSA is just a phase? Do you have any attraction to women? Do you have any desire for a wife and children?

Also, is your father still alive? If so, where is he in all of this?

I don’t know if my SSA is a phase. Apparently my parents (mom and stepdad) knew I was like this for a while.

I don’t have any sexual attraction to woman sadly

Edit: The desire I have is for a family but I want to be loved by a man

My father is alive, my parents divorced and does not know I struggle with SSA. He and I are really different

 

[Norseman82]

The desire I have is for a family and a wife

Well, if you have a desire for a family and a wife, you are going to have to have some sort of attraction to women; right? If you haven’t done so already, you should mention this to any priest you are seeing for counseling.

Wanting a “boyfriend” but not sex with him is playing with fire, as that type of relationship can be a source of temptation for you to do something sinful. Also, you could be a source of temptation for a “boyfriend”.

 

[theCardinalbird]

I have to admit that I’ve never had much thought of having a wife, I only said that because woman are great to be around. I really want to be intimate with a man (sadly) more so than a woman. I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a boyfriend, but I can’t. It makes me long for one

 

[Norseman82]

I have to admit that I’ve never had much thought of having a wife, I only said that because woman are great to be around. I really want to be intimate with a man (sadly) more so than a woman. I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a boyfriend, but I can’t. It makes me long for one

Well, if you want a traditional family (wife and kids), you are going to have to ditch the notion that you would rather be intimate with a man than with a woman.

Again, the intimacy you are craving with a man is playing with fire if you want to avoid sin. Perhaps you are really looking to repair your relationship with your brother?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Well, if you want a traditional family (wife and kids), you are going to have to ditch the notion that you would rather be intimate with a man than with a woman.

“Ditch the notion”. Is that the way feelings work? If you like blondes instead of brunettes, could you easily “ditch that notion”? If you like carrots but not asparagus, could you ditch that notion?

If Joe ends up with a wife, I assure you it will not be because he DECIDED to like women. It will be because his feelings change. And he cannot control that.

 

[theCardinalbird]

Well, if you want a traditional family (wife and kids), you are going to have to ditch the notion that you would rather be intimate with a man than with a woman.

Again, the intimacy you are craving with a man is playing with fire if you want to avoid sin. Perhaps you are really looking to repair your relationship with your brother?

I see. But this “notion” are feelings that are strong. When I said family, I should have said I don’t want to be alone, I like company and people who want to love me. I don’t know if this brokeness is from my brother but all I know is I’m attracted to men, and I just want to be loved by them…

I know being sexual with a man is wrong, I understand I can’t do that. I just want some form of affection

 

[Norseman82]

“Ditch the notion”. Is that the way feelings work? If you like blondes instead of brunettes, could you easily “ditch that notion”? If you like carrots but not asparagus, could you ditch that notion?

If Joe ends up with a wife, I assure you it will not be because he DECIDED to like women. It will be because his feelings change. And he cannot control that.

Prodigal Son, are you Catholic?

As Catholics, we’re all called to exercise self-control and not act upon sinful feelings.

So yes, my advice stands. He’s still young enough to not get swallowed up in a sinful lifestyle, and sometimes one needs to face facts. If one wants to avoid cancer but still wants to smoke two packs a day, someone needs to point out that those two desires are contradictory and one has to go.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Norseman82:

Well, if you want a traditional family (wife and kids), you are going to have to ditch the notion that you would rather be intimate with a man than with a woman.

Again, the intimacy you are craving with a man is playing with fire if you want to avoid sin. Perhaps you are really looking to repair your relationship with your brother?

I see. But this “notion” are feelings that are strong. When I said family, I should have said I don’t want to be alone, I like company and people who want to love me. I don’t know if this brokeness is from my brother but all I know is I’m attracted to men, and I just want to be loved by them…

I would encourage you to seek professional counseling rather than continue this conversation surrounding your feelings at the moment. It is difficult to picture your future right now, and that is understandable. Whether or not it will change is between you and God, and God will provide no matter what your feelings do.

 

[Norseman82]

I see. But this “notion” are feelings that are strong. When I said family, I should have said I don’t want to be alone, I like company and people who want to love me. I don’t know if this brokeness is from my brother but all I know is I’m attracted to men, and I just want to be loved by them…

I know being sexual with a man is wrong, I understand I can’t do that. I just want some form of affection

Then you need to work this out with the priest you seeing for counseling. But the point still stands that depending on the “affection” you are seeking, it could lead you to sin.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Prodigal Son, are you Catholic?

As Catholics, we’re all called to exercise self-control and not act upon sinful feelings.

So yes, my advice stands. He’s still young enough to not get swallowed up in a sinful lifestyle, and sometimes one needs to face facts. If one wants to avoid cancer but wants to smoke two packs a day, someone needs to point out that those two desires are contradictory and one has to go.

I am certainly Catholic, and I have been living with same-sex attraction, seeking chastity, for a long time. I am also married to a woman and have kids. I know what I’m talking about. And if you think Joe is “smoking two packs a day”, you have no clue what’s going on. He is trying to be holy, and he is not engaged in any “sinful lifestyle”. Being honest about your feelings is not the same as being immersed in sin.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Indeed, imagine he married a woman without loving her, just cause he’s trying to “control his feelings”. Is that kind to her? Is that loving? It doesn’t seem kind and loving to me, not at all!

 

[Norseman82]

I am certainly Catholic, and I have been living with same-sex attraction, seeking chastity, for a long time. I am also married to a woman and have kids. I know what I’m talking about. And if you think Joe is “smoking two packs a day”, you have no clue what’s going on. He is trying to be holy, and he is not engaged in any “sinful lifestyle”. Being honest about your feelings is not the same as being immersed in sin.

Indeed, imagine he married a woman without loving her, just cause he’s trying to “control his feelings”. Is that kind to her? Is that loving? It doesn’t seem kind and loving to me, not at all!

The point I was making was that he had competing desires and that trying to accomplish them all may not be possible, and that he could be playing with fire (especially if he wants to practice chastity).

 

[Prodigal_Son]

The point I was making was that he had competing desires and that trying to accomplish them all may not be possible, and that he could be playing with fire (especially if he wants to practice chastity).

Yeah, the point I was making was that the desire for family is not the desire for a wife, and that it’s dangerous to pretend like you have the desires you’re “supposed” to have. The reason anyone experiences SSA is mysterious, but God is sovereign in it, and His will may be accomplished even if it involves a thorn in the flesh that does not easily leave.

 

[theCardinalbird]

The point I was making was that he had competing desires and that trying to accomplish them all may not be possible, and that he could be playing with fire (especially if he wants to practice chastity).

I sort of understand what you are trying to say but what am I supposed to do with this longing? Do nothing? It’s not like I’m asking God to allow me to have a boyfriend. That would be bad. I just want fellowship and affection with men. The sexual aspect that I try to suppress can easily be contained

 

[Norseman82]

I sort of understand what you are trying to say but what am I supposed to do with this longing? Do nothing? It’s not like I’m asking God to allow me to have a boyfriend. That would be bad. I just want fellowship and affection with men. The sexual aspect that I try to suppress can easily be contained

I don’t know what to tell you. The only thing I would suggest is, since you are not at the age to join Courage, to contact them nevertheless to see if there are other faithful Catholic resources for someone in your position and age.