My Catholicism turns off my wife

[bdeaner]

Hi,

I am a cradle Catholic but fell away from the Church for a long time. When I married my wife, neither of us practiced any religion, and she was raised Presbyterian. Later, my wife converted to Catholicism on her own. She was attending Church and went through RCIA without me. Later, I began to attend Mass with her. As a result, I returned to the faith and over the past 8 years or so, I have grown deeper in my faith. (My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15).

In any case, as I have grown in my faith and am taking it more seriously, I have initiated prayer at the dinner table, Bible reading with my son, and similar activities, as a way to share and deepen our faith as a family.

In the meantime, as I have done these things, my wife has become very resistant to it, and has told me she is turned off by it. She believes I am becoming too fanatical and “fundamentalist” (she just means zealous). The strange thing is that this has actually had an impact in the bedroom. I have noticed she is less interested in me sexually, and does not seem to enjoy sex with me like she used to (it is more difficult for her to have an organism), and she just seems to be going through the motions. Needless to say, this is very upsetting to me and a blow to the ego. And my wife attributes this to my Catholicism, which she says is a “turn off,” even though she is also a practicing Catholic!!! Wow, women are complex creatures. I am really quite beside myself over this and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated. I really feel like the Enemy is attacking me in a way that makes me very vulnerable – targeting the male ego.

God bless,
bdeaner

 

[whatevergirl]

***Well, first let me say I’m sorry you’re going through this…I am also sorry that your wife is having trouble ‘coping’ with your zeal for the faith, so to speak.

My advice would be to honestly just have a talk with her, quietly…maybe with a glass of wine, or calming tea…and just ask her what she is thinking. Ask her how you both can make things get back on track…how can you both be on the same page. You won’t be able to sweep your feelings under the rug, and she won’t be able to ignore your zeal for the faith–it is going to take you both to discuss your differences…to find a resolution.

I wonder if your wife isn’t comfortable with ‘all’ aspects of the faith? I might ask her that, also. Rome wasn’t built in a day, this will take time to work on–but if you make a point of communicating, and keep praying, your marriage will see this through.

God bless!***

 

[kresbrook]

Are you practicing NFP? I only ask because when my husband and I do (we didn’t before), I feel much more cherished. I feel that it is truely a marital act and not being done just for pleasure. Before, when we were contracepting, I felt like the only reason he wanted to be intimate was for his self pleasure. I was never sure if it was because he loved me. Now I’m sure

If she has been through RCIA and learned the Churches reason for the stance on contraception, it may have opened her eyes to what is wrong with contraception. Just a thought, otherwise I’m not really sure.

Blessing and good luck!!

 

[JPUSC]

Hi,

I am a cradle Catholic but fell away from the Church for a long time. When I married my wife, neither of us practiced any religion, and she was raised Presbyterian. Later, my wife converted to Catholicism on her own. She was attending Church and went through RCIA without me. Later, I began to attend Mass with her. As a result, I returned to the faith and over the past 8 years or so, I have grown deeper in my faith. (My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15).

In any case, as I have grown in my faith and am taking it more seriously, I have initiated prayer at the dinner table, Bible reading with my son, and similar activities, as a way to share and deepen our faith as a family.

In the meantime, as I have done these things, my wife has become very resistant to it, and has told me she is turned off by it. She believes I am becoming too fanatical and “fundamentalist” (she just means zealous). The strange thing is that this has actually had an impact in the bedroom. I have noticed she is less interested in me sexually, and does not seem to enjoy sex with me like she used to (it is more difficult for her to have an organism), and she just seems to be going through the motions. Needless to say, this is very upsetting to me and a blow to the ego. And my wife attributes this to my Catholicism, which she says is a “turn off,” even though she is also a practicing Catholic!!! Wow, women are complex creatures. I am really quite beside myself over this and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated. I really feel like the Enemy is attacking me in a way that makes me very vulnerable – targeting the male ego.

God bless,
bdeaner

Yeah, “fanatical and fundamentalist” can be a little annoying as I’ve been around enough to know (Catholic and Protestant). Some tend to be uncomfortable with such people because of issues of hypocrisy/fakeness, of hearing such individuals talking about religion every single time you see them or of literally seeing fanaticism.

I think faith should be expressed continually in the way one lives his life. One doesn’t have to be doing external activities such as going to Bible study groups or church meetings, for example, in order to be a good Catholic. Though, I do advocate a family rosary.

I have friends who have done grace before meals at restaurants before. It may be just me, but I personally think it’s a little showy with everyone holding hands and closing their eyes as they are just drawing attention to themselves. I tend to favor silent, private prayer that nobody has to know.

 

[Mark77]

bdeaner,

i can sympathize with you 100%. i have a similar story, although my wife was raised Catholic, and attended Catholic Schools through HS.

We were married in the Church and both drifted away, listening to the lies of our society, ie. “you don’t need religion, you need more material things to be happy!” We rarely attended Mass and we didn’t even have our 2 youngest children go through their First Holy Communion or Confirmations, God forgive me, i am trying to get them to go through them now.

i returned reluctantly at first, hoping for an easy way back through Protestant altar calls and it’s just me & Jesus. But the more i tried to disprove the Church’s teachings, the more Jesus revealed the beauty of His perfect Truth to me. i failed miserably and have been back home for almost 5 years now.

i get the “zealot” treatment every day, i get the disapproving looks when i am reading Sacred Scripture and i even got screamed at for going to the Easter Tridium services! i am constantly told that moderation is the key and that “as long as you are a good person, that is all you need”.

We have gotten into several horrible arguments over abortion. i tried to explain the facts, that science has proven what the Church has taught from the beginning, that at conception a unique and beautiful human being is created. She eventually came around saying “Well I would never have an abortion, but I can’t tell someone else what to do.”

Initially i was trying to reconvert her, but now i am trying to live the life as best i can, to be loving and forgiving. i have received a lot of great advice from beautiful sisters like ‘whatever girl’ and i take it to prayer everyday.

If the tables were turned and my wife opened her heart to Jesus 10 years ago, i would have been jealous, hurt and angry. i would have reacted exactly as she has,** but Jesus is so great!! My wife did go to Easter Mass with me (after berating me for attending Holy Thursday, Good Friday and the Easter Vigil Services!) and my daughter came to Mass with me the next week!!! i cried tears of joy and can only hope for a continued miracle as the Grace of Jesus is revealed!!!**

**“The LORD has heard my supplication; the LORD accepts my prayer.” (Ps 6:9).

"And he said to all, “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Lk 9:23).**

See a common theme? First comes supplication and self denial, then comes acceptance of prayer and taking up of our cross DAILY and following Jesus!!!

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark

 

[Rascalking]

I guess my post is more what NOT to do.

Don’t try to start “teaching” her the fundamentals of our churchs view on things. That might push her away. It’s best to just try to let her know where you stand and then try your best to talk it out.

Good luck my friend. We’re praying for you

 

[SMHW]

Hi,

I am a cradle Catholic but fell away from the Church for a long time. When I married my wife, neither of us practiced any religion, and she was raised Presbyterian. Later, my wife converted to Catholicism on her own. She was attending Church and went through RCIA without me. Later, I began to attend Mass with her. As a result, I returned to the faith and over the past 8 years or so, I have grown deeper in my faith. (My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15).

In any case, as I have grown in my faith and am taking it more seriously, I have initiated prayer at the dinner table, Bible reading with my son, and similar activities, as a way to share and deepen our faith as a family.

In the meantime, as I have done these things, my wife has become very resistant to it, and has told me she is turned off by it. She believes I am becoming too fanatical and “fundamentalist” (she just means zealous). The strange thing is that this has actually had an impact in the bedroom. I have noticed she is less interested in me sexually, and does not seem to enjoy sex with me like she used to (it is more difficult for her to have an organism), and she just seems to be going through the motions. Needless to say, this is very upsetting to me and a blow to the ego. And my wife attributes this to my Catholicism, which she says is a “turn off,” even though she is also a practicing Catholic!!! Wow, women are complex creatures. I am really quite beside myself over this and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated. I really feel like the Enemy is attacking me in a way that makes me very vulnerable – targeting the male ego.

God bless,
bdeaner

Naturally I have no way of knowing what is really going on here. This is just a hunch.

But to me it sounds like Catholicism is not the real issue. It seems more like you’ve got a control/power problem in your marriage. For some reason you becoming more zealous about your Faith is threatening to your wife. I don’t know why. Maybe you are ‘invading’ some part of her that was very private and personal. She doesn’t want to share because she doesn’t want to loose control. Perhaps she thinks she’s loosing her “spiritual superiority” over you now that you seem to be taking your place as “spiritual leader of the household”.

She’s fighting back by knocking you down in the bedroom.

And this might not be conscious on her part. If it is, she may be to ashamed of herself to share it with you.

I don’t know exactly what you should do about it but you might start by asking her advice more often about spiritual matters such as prayer and Bible stories. Then take her advice But at the same time, don’t badger her for her (name removed by moderator)ut if she doesn’t have anything to say.

 

[jwashu]

I’m so sorry for your situation… I have experienced some of that but not to the same degree.

My wife and I both converted last year. We had both been Presbyterian for years after being raised Baptist. Truthfully I had been at odds with many points of protestantism for years after being a Youth Minister and was very lax in our attendance and work at church. Church was more of a social activity. However an Evangelical friend and I started finding our faith again about 10 years ago and I have steadily grown since then, starting a long journey to the Catholic Church about 4 or 5 years ago.

I pray before meals, both at home and in public - I even try to say a quick one before a snack, I don’t read as much as I should but we have 4 kids and I work 60+ hours a week so it leaves little time… it also leaves little time for my wife and I.

For years, and still today, I tend to make fun of self inflicted ignorance. If someone is truly slow I find I have much sympathy for them but someone who seems to actively choose stupidity when the right answer is clearly in front of them are usually fair game IMHO (I’m struggling with this so no need to point out it’s not a good Christian attitude)

So since our conversion my wife is definitely more devout than she was before but probably not as much as I am. I’m an EEM, rarely miss on Sundays, go to confession regularly, have icon and paintings in my office as work etc…

While at one of our favorite restaurants yesterday the manager brought me a small (8x11) picture of The Virgin with Angels (Whatevergirl use to have it as her pic) and I just LOVE it. My wife asked what I was going to do with it and I said, put it in my office next to that award I just got… to which she said… please don’t become too militant (zealous). I said wha? but I knew what she meant.

I’ve never, at least to my knowledge, been denied relations because of this consciously, we pray with the boys etc… anyway, but I know times when I’m really studying, up late reading etc… it’s definitely a mood killer. Talking about the landscape around Ceasarea Philippi and why that was important in regards to Peter being the first Pope or the like in bed never seems to lead to a renewing of the of the martial covenant… go figure! So don’t do that… study somewhere else, make your time with her, her time.

All that being said, I wanted you to know you are not alone even if my plight isn’t as bad as yours, I think what Whatevergirl is suggesting is a good idea. Adding that often we as spouses tend to get jealous over the silliest things. Remember that a sacramental marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. God wants us to love our wives as Christ loves the Church… and He died for us, He gave everything for us. Sacramental marriage is a vocation and of course a sacrament. Thus one of the things God WANTS us to do is to spend time with our spouse and grow together with them. It’s SOOOOO easy to get excited when learning new things but than can sometimes drive others who aren’t at the same level away. We are also partially responsible for our spouses’ salvation. Think of that as well. Try spending time with her where you never mention faith or your religion but rather talk about just you and her. Of why /how much you love her as a person for who she is and I bet the eventual conversations about her becoming more active will be easier and her “concern” for your devoutness will wain.

You are in my prayers!
Joe

 

[bdeaner]

Naturally I have no way of knowing what is really going on here. This is just a hunch.

But to me it sounds like Catholicism is not the real issue. It seems more like you’ve got a control/power problem in your marriage. For some reason you becoming more zealous about your Faith is threatening to your wife. I don’t know why. Maybe you are ‘invading’ some part of her that was very private and personal. She doesn’t want to share because she doesn’t want to loose control. Perhaps she thinks she’s loosing her “spiritual superiority” over you now that you seem to be taking your place as “spiritual leader of the household”.

She’s fighting back by knocking you down in the bedroom.

And this might not be conscious on her part. If it is, she may be to ashamed of herself to share it with you.

I don’t know exactly what you should do about it but you might start by asking her advice more often about spiritual matters such as prayer and Bible stories. Then take her advice But at the same time, don’t badger her for her (name removed by moderator)ut if she doesn’t have anything to say.

Wow, I think you just hit the nail on the head. I say this because it fits with a lot of things that she has said in the recent past. For example, when I started doing the prayer before home meals (not at restaurants to be showy), she mocked me and said, “Oh, I guess you are now Mr. Super Catholic – you think you’re a better Catholic than me.” That sort of thing.

It also fits my wife’s personality. She has great difficulty driving in the car unless she is the person behind the wheel. She cannot tolerate it when I handle the finances and has now taken total control of that – I just gave up after awhile. etc.

Now how do I approach this problem?!?!?!

I appreciate your suggesting to solicit her advice. I think that might help. Bless you, and everyone else for your assistance and prayers! I really appreciate. God bless.

 

[Sillara]

I’
I’ve never, at least to my knowledge, been denied relations because of this consciously, we pray with the boys etc… anyway, but I know times when I’m really studying, up late reading etc… it’s definitely a mood killer. Talking about the landscape around Ceasarea Philippi and why that was important in regards to Peter being the first Pope or the like in bed never seems to lead to a renewing of the of the martial covenant… go figure!

I guess that makes me and my husband odd. It was just last night discussing points of Dominican spirituality that we became impassioned. Then the apologetics continued afterward.

To the OP, I recommend prayer. St. Monica is a powerful intercessor!

 

[Island_Oak]

…In any case, as I have grown in my faith and am taking it more seriously, I have initiated prayer at the dinner table, Bible reading with my son, and similar activities, as a way to share and deepen our faith as a family…bdeaner

These activities sound lovely. What are you leaving out? No reasonable and reasonably religious woman would be turned off by this. Either there’s more to the story or your wife is losing her grip. I’d bet on the first option.

 

[Sr_Sally]

This is a different situation. I’d say try to draw her in, ask her about her favorite prayers and use those when praying with your children, things like that. As for her control in other areas, I don’t have as much advice. I would say that both spouses should be aware of finances even if one is the monthly bill payer. I am perfectly happy to let my husband always drive unless he’s very tired. If it doesn’t bother you, I’d say let her drive! lol

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[GracedUpon]

A couple weeks ago there was a woman starting a thread in a situation similar to yours, except from the opposite POV. Her husband was the overly religious one, and she was asking advice on how to cope with it. The thread might offer you some insight into how your wife is feeling. Here is the link.

 

[bdeaner]

A couple weeks ago there was a woman starting a thread in a situation similar to yours, except from the opposite POV. Her husband was the overly religious one, and she was asking advice on how to cope with it. The thread might offer you some insight into how your wife is feeling. Here is the link.

Thanks, this is helpful.

In my case, I don’t think what I’m doing is taking away time from my wife. The prayers before dinner and Bible study with my son are things we do together – she just seems to resent them at times, although she has gotten better with that.

There was also a situation at Mass last week when this couple and their mother were attending a First Holy Communion Mass. Apparently this was a relative and they were not regular attendees at Mass. I was annoyed with them because they sat down when they should have knelt – even though everyone around them was kneeling, and they were right in front of me. so when I knelt, my nose was literally in the back of this guy’s head and I was breathing on his hair! And he just sat there. I was angry about this because I thought it was inconsiderate, but I didn’t say anything nor do anything in the Mass. I thought I showed appropriate restraint. I mentioned it later to my wife. She brought it up this weekend as evidence of my “fanaticism.” Easy for her to say – the pew in front of her was clear and she was able to kneel without somebody’s head in her face.

Keep in mind, I am not a person quick to anger. It takes a lot to make me angry, whereas my wife is very quick to anger. I think she is frightened by my anger whenever I express it, no matter how mildly, because it is unusual to see me express it.

Mainly though, in addition to the power issues mentioned above, I really think my wife has a hard time with the idea of sexuality and religion occupying the same life. So, the more she and I have embraced our faith, the less interested in sex she becomes. But our sex life, for me, is a vital expression of our marriage, and always has been. Note: My wife is not using contraception, and she does not desire another child, which may also be an issue at stake here. As I said, this is complex. There are many layers here.

I am so grateful for your prayers. Thank you so much!

 

[flyingfish]

I think you should consider the possibility that your wife is giving you an excuse and is withholding the real reason for her lack of desire for you.

You mentioned the control issues, and also that she does not desire another child. Did you previously get pregnant while trying to use NFP to avoid pregnancy? Maybe that causes her anxiety during sex.

You can try to be more private with your devotion. You don’t have to pray aloud before meals, you can give thanks to God silently. Try not to display your faith around your wife and see if that changes things.

 

[leonie]

People don’t like change. Our spouses esp. don’t like it. It’s very disorienting when the “rules” change.

Just keep your eyes on Jesus and up the attention at home. I disagree with those who say tone it down. I think by loving Jesus, you’ll have more love for your family.

To make sure she feels loved, read and apply

fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

 

[TLM08]

Hi,

I am a cradle Catholic but fell away from the Church for a long time. When I married my wife, neither of us practiced any religion, and she was raised Presbyterian. Later, my wife converted to Catholicism on her own. She was attending Church and went through RCIA without me. Later, I began to attend Mass with her. As a result, I returned to the faith and over the past 8 years or so, I have grown deeper in my faith. (My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15).

In any case, as I have grown in my faith and am taking it more seriously, I have initiated prayer at the dinner table, Bible reading with my son, and similar activities, as a way to share and deepen our faith as a family.

In the meantime, as I have done these things, my wife has become very resistant to it, and has told me she is turned off by it. She believes I am becoming too fanatical and “fundamentalist” (she just means zealous). The strange thing is that this has actually had an impact in the bedroom. I have noticed she is less interested in me sexually, and does not seem to enjoy sex with me like she used to (it is more difficult for her to have an organism), and she just seems to be going through the motions. Needless to say, this is very upsetting to me and a blow to the ego. And my wife attributes this to my Catholicism, which she says is a “turn off,” even though she is also a practicing Catholic!!! Wow, women are complex creatures. I am really quite beside myself over this and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts are appreciated. I really feel like the Enemy is attacking me in a way that makes me very vulnerable – targeting the male ego.

God bless,
bdeaner

There is a very fine line between zeal and religious addiction. Being zealous for God is a good and healthy thing. Religious addiction and fanaticism on the other hand is toxic to both self and marriage.

I would suggest backing off on the religion for a while when she’s around. You can always pray during other times of the day. Another thing, I’ve never been a big fan of mixing religion and eroticism. God created all things and is the author of life. Sex was his idea in the first place but prayer is a lousy aphrodesiac! It’s my opinion that sex can still be a little bit naughty without being sinful. You can always thank God for the great night with your wife while sipping your morning coffee and listening to His birds chirp!

Don’t be too quick to assume that your display of your faith is at the root of your bedroom problem. It’s natural for a woman to be a little less orgasmic as they get older. Same thing happens to us men too.

Take her out to dinner, don’t bring up religion, prayer or sex. Catch a movie then go home and put on some music and light a few candles and just talk about things that she’s passionate about. None of this means you are compromising your faith. Balance and good judgement is called for here.

 

[bdeaner]

I think you should consider the possibility that your wife is giving you an excuse and is withholding the real reason for her lack of desire for you.

You mentioned the control issues, and also that she does not desire another child. Did you previously get pregnant while trying to use NFP to avoid pregnancy? Maybe that causes her anxiety during sex.

You can try to be more private with your devotion. You don’t have to pray aloud before meals, you can give thanks to God silently. Try not to display your faith around your wife and see if that changes things.

My wife is a very honest person, so she would not purposely withhold information. She might not be consciously aware of the reason for her lack of desire. But I don’t think she would lie about it.

We had two miscarriages, and my wife has said she does not want another child. We have one child. She is having a hard time letting go of him as he goes into full-time grade school (she stays home with him). But she insists she does not want another child. She has anxieties about being competent enough to raise a girl.

Yesterday at dinner, I had my son say the prayers. That changed the dynamic. I’ve also stopped watching EWTN before bed, so that my wife is not too much in the Church mindset – which apparently puts her off to sex.

I actually don’t talk much about my faith to my wife. It’s the little things I say here and there that apparently bothers here. Like the example of my comment about the folks in front of us at Church that refused to kneel. Or making a suggestion to my wife, who is looking for a social life, that perhaps she could get more involved in Church to find Fellowship (we recently moved to a new city). That sort of thing. I don’t talk about my faith non-stop. I’m just more devout in my practice than I used to be, and I don’t think it’s fair for her or anyone else to expect me to act differently than my conscience dictates.

 

[tundramom]

Hi bdeaner,
Your situation sounds a little bit like mine. I am the wife of a cradle Catholic. He never actually fell away from the Faith, but he didn’t particularly live it either. He’d go to church on Sundays most times, but that’s about it.

I grew up Mormon and became a born-again-bible-thumpin-holy-spirit-shouting-praising-pentecostal-christian about 5 years into our marriage.

I was so filled with zeal and a love for Jesus that I was pretty obnoxious. Since my husband is more quiet in his faith and at the time wasn’t even able to tell me why Catholics kneel or sit or stand when they do during Mass, I didn’t take his faith seriously.

A few years later, my prayers were answered, but not in the way I thought they would be. Rather than my husband joining this church that I liked, I became Catholic. It was through a lot of prayer and a LOT of study. I still had the zeal, but it had toned down a bit by then.

Suddenly, my husband started taking the head of the household and spiritual authority seriously. I had wanted him to do that very thing for a LONG time and had been praying for it to happen. In the meantime, I was the one taking the kids to VBS, making sure they knew their Bible stories, family prayer, instructing the children, making sacrifices so that we could send them to Catholic school, blah blah blah ad infinitum.

Now HE was the one who started instigating family prayer time. HE was the one who started instructing the children… HE was the one who made sure that they knew why they were kneeling when they did at Mass… etc. etc. etc.

God made us both to be parents, but I firmly believe that Mothers and Fathers fulfill different rolls. I had, for a time, been the “spiritual head” of the home. Out of necessity. He wasn’t interested in those things, or didn’t see the importance. Now suddenly he was making the leap and I felt blind-sided.

Our sex life became more a chore too. Because women and men are fundamentally different in their wiring, I couldn’t just leave my resentments at the bedroom door and welcome him into my arms without that little niggling voice in the back of my head, “who does he think he is anyway?!”.

Give your wife some time. Be open and honest in your communication with her. Perhaps even apologize and express appreciation for her “lead” in the spiritual side of your family at a time when you were not ready. ASK her to instruct YOU on what she’s learned and how converting has changed her life. Her own zeal may have fizzled a bit waiting for you to catch up to her. Now that you also have it, don’t forget that she has it too, and that she has it in her own way. She may not be apologetically minded, but her faith is her own.

My husband and I start talking about faith and his is such that he doesn’t NEED to know details. He doesn’t feel that burning desire to know what council did what and in what year and so on. He doesn’t need to know those things for his own faith, but I do.

We will both be praying for you and your wife.

in Christ
Steph

 

[manualman]

You’re letting the externals get ahead of the internal conversion. Back off a bit on the externals that force her past her own comfort zone.

Focus on being a better man and a better husband. Try this (but be aware it is very old and has few few entertaining 50’s cultural ties): ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/MAN4HER.TXT