My Catholicism turns off my wife

[bdeaner]

Here is an update on my situation.

On Sunday, I woke up in the morning to my son jumping on the bed, and I went downstairs where my wife was standing in the kitchen. I went to grab the coffee pot, but she was intending to make her coffee first (she uses half-caf, and I like dark, so we make our coffee separately). She said, “I was going to make a pot of coffee,” and I said, “Ok, I was just woken up by our son, but I was hoping to sleep in a little bit more.” It was not meant to be an accusation, just a statement to explain why I hadn’t been more considerate in reaching for the coffee without asking her if she wanted to make some first. Then, she starts to complain that our son told her I would take him to see Star Trek – a PG-13 movie and my son is half that age. I had not told him this, but I think our son was manipulating her… Anyway, I told her that I was not yet awake and not prepared for a confrontation discussion – could she give me a half hour to pull myself together? – and I walked upstairs. She followed me upstairs and continued in a very grating voice to badger me about it, and I asked politely again if we could postpone the discussion until was more awake. She continued anyway…So, we had the discussion, despite my protests. She was nice enough to make me some coffee and bring it upstairs to me when it was done.

So, we went to Mass. After Mass they announced there were rosaries and other items for sale downstairs. I said I wanted to go look and see what they had. My wife objected, complaining about money problems, and I reminded her that I had spending money leftover in my wallet in case I wanted to buy something. (By the way, I work a full-time job plus two part-time jobs and she stays home). She continued to complain and protest. I told her, “Well, you’re not the boss,” and continued to walk downstairs. As it turned out, there was nothing I wanted, but my son picked up two free cd’s – one about the rosary and another about the Mass, and I gave them a $2.00 donation.

Even though, I spent only $2.00 at the display (mind you, I never spend more money than I budget in my spending money, and had plenty in the budget – $2 is a drop in the bucket) – she continued to lambast me on the way out to the car. I asked her politely to stop complaining, because I had not overspent. She continued. Finally, after asking her repeatedly to be quiet, I lost it, and screamed at her repeatedly to “shut up” while I pounded my fist into the dashboard. (My fist is still in pain incidently). I really was at the end of my rope. After that, she was quiet for a change.

When we got home, we began to discuss the situation, and was interupted by a visit from family. But ultimately we ended up talking about issues until about 2am in the morning. We have moved to a new city, and she is feeling vulnerable in a new city, so that is part of the issue. She is also having a hard time making new friends (not really, but that is her perception – in actuality, she is making new friends rapidly – but they are not yet of the same level of intimacy that she had developed with her old friends over four years).

Whenever I pressed her on what she meant about me being a fundamentalist or whatever – she was using these terms in ways that I different than their technical and typical meaning. For her, it means just basically believing in Catholicism, going to Church, saying prayers, watching EWTN – just having a Catholic identity. We did not fully clarify what that is about, and her problem with it. But it seems, based on our conversation, that she believes (incorrectly) that I am secretely judging her expression of religion. I pointed out to her that this was a projection – I am not judging her, and that in fact, it was her who was judging MY expression of religion. I started to point out all the ways she has criticized my religious expression, and when I asked her to point out concretely how I had criticized her, she could only point out one thing – a time ten years ago, before my return to the Church, when I made fun of her when she was listening to Contemporary Christian music (I’m not a fan – but can appreciate it more now). So, it was interesting. I didn’t realize that she was feeling judged…

Then, it came out. When she was a teenager, she had an abortion. She has been through Rachel’s Vineyard, and confessed, but she still deals with a lot of guilt and shame about it. Since we moved back to the town we had lived previously, our new Church’s pastor is the same priest who led the Rachel’s Vineyard program she took, and going to Mass brings up a lot of those memories.

So, now I am putting two and two together. She is feeling guilty about the abortion, and is not even sure she can say that she would do things differently if faced with the same situation. So, she has a moral struggle, and is not completely one with her Catholic identity. What does she do? As I exert my own Catholic identity, her own guilt and shame about the abortion is projected onto me – she believes I am secretely judging her for the abortion, and that in fact all along I really have condemned her for it, but never admitted to it – which is not true. I was pro-choice when we met, but only recently changed my opinion when I renewed my faith. Anyway…

So, I think the past abortion is sort of an elephant in the room here… That’s what seems to have come to light. After the discussion, and letting all that out, she is doing better, and being nicer to me. We had some nice make-up sex too (she still did not have an orgasm, but one thing at a time…).

 

[manualman]

TMI at the end there!

You have a hard struggle there. Read the link I gave. Spoil her. Be Jesus to her. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.

May God bless and strengthen you.

 

[leonie]

It sounds like her anger is a symptom of her deep pain. I am so sorry for her loss. I’ll pray for her.

 

[bdeaner]

TMI at the end there!

You have a hard struggle there. Read the link I gave. Spoil her. Be Jesus to her. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.

May God bless and strengthen you.

TMI is too much information?

Since our sex life was thematic for the original post, I didn’t think it was too much info. It seems relevant. Sorry if I offended.

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

It doe sounds liek maybe you are both trying to be controlling in some ways. Comments like “you’re not the boss” and screaming at her definitely do not help matters, I hope those were one time things because you were at the end of hte rope. If they occur more often that might be a problem.

I would not say that abortion is the elephant in the room, it seems like it is the main issue here at least from what you have posted. I would strongly consider maybe finding another church. Do not underestimate the impact of a painful experience in the past.

I used to be Southern Baptist. My parents let me pick my religion when I was younger and I picked that because a friend invited me. I got to hear all the end times stuff with nobody to explain it to me. It scared the crud out of me, still does. I’m getting better, but Advent is always a very hard time for me in the church. Anytime Revelations is a reading, my heart goes 90 mile an hour and on more than one occasion I have had to leave the service. This is because it reminds me of that fear from when I was a little kid.

Your wife is probably experiencing something similar going to that church every Sunday. There are certain things in our lives that we are sensitive about, in her case it is abortion. She is not comfortable with goign to a church where the priest knows her darkest secret- intimately from having led the Rachel’s Vineyard. I can absolutely understand why this would make her uncomfortable. It sounds like even with Rachel’s Vineyard she has never fully come to terms with what happened in her past.

My suggestion to you is to not look for ulterior motives and not to pressure her. Obviously this has brought back what for her is a very painful time in her life and she needs to work trhough it. I would suggest that you might be better off switching churches if there is one in the area. Clearly the church yo uare going to now is too threatening for her and is getting in the way of her relationship with God and with you.

 

[lovemysix]

"There was also a situation at Mass last week when this couple and their mother were attending a First Holy Communion Mass. Apparently this was a relative and they were not regular attendees at Mass. I was annoyed with them because they sat down when they should have knelt – even though everyone around them was kneeling, and they were right in front of me. so when I knelt, my nose was literally in the back of this guy’s head and I was breathing on his hair! And he just sat there. I was angry about this because I thought it was inconsiderate, but I didn’t say anything nor do anything in the Mass. I thought I showed appropriate restraint. I mentioned it later to my wife. She brought it up this weekend as evidence of my “fanaticism.” Easy for her to say – the pew in front of her was clear and she was able to kneel without somebody’s head in her face.

Keep in mind, I am not a person quick to anger. It takes a lot to make me angry, whereas my wife is very quick to anger. I think she is frightened by my anger whenever I express it, no matter how mildly, because it is unusual to see me express it."

This would really bother me, too, and I think I can see where your wife might be coming from. It would upset me if I felt my husband was starting to get fanatical and getting angry with other people in church for not doing things the way he thought they should be done. I grew up in a very fanatical Catholic family, and every Sunday we had to listen to either my grandfather or mother talk about the tight pants somebody was wearing or how somebody behaved in a way they didn’t approve of, or how the priest was too liberal, etc, etc, etc. Because of my own background, I am extra-sensitive to this kind of behavior. If I were your wife, I’d be scared you might be turning into somebody like the people in my family----harshly critical of other people’s behavior in church because it puts YOU out in some manner. These relatives of the First Communion child may have been inconsiderate…but perhaps they were also very uncomfortable in a different faith environment and were doing the best they could. It would be much more Christian to give them the benefit of the doubt rather than getting enraged at them because you had to experience a bit of discomfort during mass. Ever heard of offering something up?

I realize it’s very hard to convey true meaning in posts online because we can’t see each other’s expressions or hear inflections in tone, etc. But to me, it seems like you want to blame all of this on your wife. YOU are the one who is changing the rules of the game here. She may have been quite happy with the way things were before, and now everything is changing on her. Keep EWTN off in your bedroom if it is turning her off. Show her how much you love her in all the little ways, every day. Turn her ON by your Christian behavior, not by outward shows of piety (which may very well be a major turn-off to her, as it is to me). Let her know how much you admire and respect her (the tone of your posts does not convey a lot of admiration for her—she may very well feel that).

It sounds like there is a lot more to the story than what is being told here, and I think it would be a wise idea to seriously consider some Catholic marriage counseling to work through some of the issues at play. And from a woman’s perspective, I’d be very offended if I discovered my husband were complaining about my lack of orgasm online someplace because it was distressing to his male ego. Some women never have orgasms at all! Very few women have orgasms 100% of the time. And if she is feeling pressured to have one, you can pretty much guarantee it’s not going to happen. There’s a lot more to lovemaking than the female orgasm, and not having one does not in any way indicate you are somehow less of a man in the bedroom.

Sorry if I am being a bit harsh, but reading your post touched some of MY hot buttons. I can only imagine how your wife’s hot buttons are being pushed on a regular basis. Look, I know you are probably really trying to rediscover your faith in a meaningful way, and that is commendable. But please try to avoid taking turns that could be disastrous for your marriage. Consult a wise old priest for some guidance.

God bless!

 

[yellowbicycle]

Wow, me too!
Except I’m the wife, and my husband is the less interested party.
Especially since we started practicing NFP again (we used it once before, at my request, and we were trying to avoid and I promptly became pregnant. With twins. Ha! And I charted for about ten months before! NFP, 99.9% effective my eye!!!)
Anywho, I’m back on the NFP train, which means I’m probably knocked up with triplets by now.
And I’ve been trying to read more scripture, and just general catholic material, and my husband LOATHES it! My goodness gracious, I asked if he would help me download something to my ipod, and he saw it was a debate between a catholic and an atheist and he was like ‘I’m not going to help you get more cuckoo than you already are’
So, in short, I can’t help you, but I am reading the responses to your thread with much interest!

 

[EeyoresButerfly]

The situation with the kneeling bothered me as well. It is not your place to decide what a person should or should not do during Mass. Did it ever occur to you that they may have had a very valid reason not to kneel?

Last summer I had knee surgery. I was only on crutches for a week. I am a young healthy looking woman and you could not tell by looking at me that my knee was still swollen from the incisions, I did not even walk with a limp, but it took several months before I was able to kneel at all due to stiffness in my knee and pain from the surgery. I’m sure that there were people put off by that, but I would hope that they would give me the benefit of the doubt and not gossip about me behind my back like that.

 

[journey137]

Even if you’re not able to kneel, you are able to scoot up a bit so the person kneeling behind you is not getting a nose full of hair and you’re not getting somebody breathing down the back of your neck. Our baby has decided church is a wonderful place to eat lately, and quite often I’m either nursing or holding a sleeping baby while people are kneeling around me. I just scoot up a bit so they are not uncomfortably close and we both go on about our business.

 

[Just_wondering]

I’ve got to admit, the kneeling comment struck me, too. Sometimes people don’t know the ropes. Since I started attending Mass here in Korea, I’ve only seen a handful of people kneeling. It’s not done here - I don’t know why, but quite possibly because there isn’t enough space between the pews. There’s also no handshake at the sign of the peace - the sign of the peace is a bow here. I’ve never attended Mass in North America, and I’m not sure how it’s done - there will surely be differences, but I don’t know what they will be. People say Mass is the same wherever you go, and that’s the beauty of being Catholic, but it doesn’t seem to be the same everywhere. Anyway, life is too short to go around letting yourself be irritated at people who mess up things that seem simple to you.

 

[bdeaner]

No offense taken, but I think you hit the nail on the head here. I think something triggered your own personal issues, and you are reading into things. What you are describing is completely different from my wife’s situation and mine. She did not grow up in a religious family. On the contrary, her father ridiculed people who were religious, including her mother’s family, who was more religious. For that reason, she was an atheist for many years.

I’m really very far from being fanatical in my religious beliefs, if you take my behavior objectively. Nothing like what you describe about your father. I really don’t go around judging other people – it’s actually quite the opposite.

But there is an irony in your post – because I do feel you are judging me. So maybe the pot is calling the kettle black, if you catch my drift.

Finally, I don’t think there is anything wrong ANONYMOUSLY discussing sex life in marriage on an online forum, if the goal is to improve our marriage. Sex is part of marriage. Read Theology of the Body. I am not concerned about sex as an end in itself, but I AM concerned that the diminishing quality of our sex life is a REFLECTION of a deeper problem in the marriage – so you missed my point if you think I am agonizing over my own male ego. On the contrary, I see it as the ENEMY attempting to compel me toward sin (see my original post).

God bless!

 

[bdeaner]

The situation with the kneeling bothered me as well. It is not your place to decide what a person should or should not do during Mass. Did it ever occur to you that they may have had a very valid reason not to kneel?

Last summer I had knee surgery. I was only on crutches for a week. I am a young healthy looking woman and you could not tell by looking at me that my knee was still swollen from the incisions, I did not even walk with a limp, but it took several months before I was able to kneel at all due to stiffness in my knee and pain from the surgery. I’m sure that there were people put off by that, but I would hope that they would give me the benefit of the doubt and not gossip about me behind my back like that.

Those not kneeling were three people – two of them in their late teens or early twenties and another woman in her thirties. So they all had knee surgery? I don’t think so.

I really did not fly off the handle over the situation. I didn’t say anything to the people who were not kneeling. I graciously gave them the sign of peace, smiled, etc. I just made a brief mention of it after Mass at brunch. I really made kind of a joke about it, and from my perspective, wasn’t making a big deal out of it – although my wife perceived that I was making a big deal out of it. It was largely a miscommunication – a mild annoyance for me, which I mentioned in passing, became very magnified in my wife’s mind, mostly because of the context of what has been going on in our marriage and life (as I have already mentioned).

 

[bdeaner]

I think if readers are focusing on the incident with the kneeling in the pew, you are probably missing the big picture. Try to read it in context. OK?

Here is an update:

After our discussion this weekend, and very intimate sex (sorry for those of you with hangups, but get over it) – my wife has become very affectionate again and in fact seems blissfully happy. So our discussion after the blow-up following Mass apparently clarified things, and we seem to be back on track.

We’ve had several more discussions, and each has helped my wife to see that I am not as “fanatical” as she assumed I was. I was careful to highlight my religious doubts, and even solicited her advice on how to handle some of those doubts. She says her faith is based primarily on feeling, whereas I am more analytical, and think about why I believe what I do, and we explored those differences. It was helpful, clearly, and she is obviously very different with me now – very physically affectionate in a way she has not been for a good long while. It helps that she is now making a nice group of friends in our new home. I think it also helped that we took a trip to our previous home this week, and she realized on the trip that she really doesn’t miss it there as much as she thought – as a result, she is not resentful of me for our having to move to a new city for my job.

A couple take home lessons. One, just because your spouse is vocal in criticizing you about something, and they are sincere, it doesn’t mean that’s what they are (deep down) really angry about. It’s necessary to sit down and explore what is really going on beneath the surface. Second, the sex life is often a barometer of the emotional life in the marriage – when things change there, it can be a red flag for other underlying issues. That makes sense since genuine sexuality, as God intended it, is an expression of love – and when that love is broken for some reason, and in need of attention, the sex should also express this as well.

In short, a happy ending.

For those of you who think it’s not ok to talk about sex in a Catholic forum on marriage, I personally think you have some personal issues. Try reading Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, and Love and Responsibility. Sex in marriage is the closest humans can get to heaven! What’s wrong with that?!?!? There is nothing pornographic in what I have said. At least I care about pleasing my wife, and not just my own pleasure. I could just go through the motions, but how stupid would that be!

Also, for those of you who attacked me: Don’t forget, I wrote in this forum asking for help, obviously not to change my wife’s behavior but to change my behavior towards her, in order to improve things. I am not just externalizing everything onto my wife. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here soliciting feedback, would I? At least I’m trying to improve my marriage and not sweeping our problems under the rug.

And thank the Lord, I am now blessed this week with a very happy wife. Praise the Lord!

 

[lovemysix]

Sorry you felt attacked; I certainly did not mean to “attack” you, but I did give you my honest opinion based on what you said in your post. I personally would never go to an online forum someplace to ask opinions because you simply cannot convey everything going on in a complex situation in a post. But if you are going to solicit online advice, be prepared to hear you things you might not like. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences and can only give advice and opinions accordingly, not knowing anything about what goes on in your real life. And yes, we DO post with our own opinions, “hot buttons”, what-have-you…but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? To get ideas from people who may be coming at a situation with a different point of view? If all you want to hear is people confirming what you already think you know, why bother?

And you can post all you want about your personal sex life; I never said you couldn’t. I just said I would be bothered if my husband was posting about MY orgasms—or lack thereof—online. Your wife may not care in the least for all I know. I’m just throwing that out at you as a possibility. It does seem to me that you take everything quite personally and view anything anybody tells you that you don’t already believe yourself and that may not be terribly flattering to you as an attack or a personal hangup of somebody else’s. Again, that may not be the case at all with you, but that’s what comes across in your post.

In short: don’t go posting for advice and then getting aggravated because you don’t feel any of it applies to you. Online advice-givers have very little to go on, given the limitations of online communications. That’s why I think it’s better in marital matters to seek the advice of a priest, close friend, or counselor who knows both parties and more of the specifics.

God bless, and I hope things continue to improve in your marriage.

 

[TLM08]

You have a hard struggle there. Read the link I gave. Spoil her. Be Jesus to her. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.

The original post is about a sex problem. The combination of privacy, candles, soft music, intimate (non-religious) conversation, along with lots of hugging, kissing and foreplay set the stage for an evening of great sex.

“Being Jesus” to her is great when it comes being a source of comfort, protection, committment and love, but it isn’t exactly going to get her motor running. Jesus is always with us, but I like to think that when it comes to sex, Jesus would respect our privacy. He has good boundaries.

I like to imagine that he gives a little wink as he’s pulling the door closed on his way out. Remember, this sex stuff and our desire for privacy was his idea in the first place.

 

[yellowbicycle]

YEAH!
I love stories with good endings!
Apparently a little communication outside of the bedroom helped immensely in the bedroom.
The candles probably didn’t hurt either.
I’m happy to hear things turned around.

 

[GraceDK]

This would really bother me, too, and I think I can see where your wife might be coming from. It would upset me if I felt my husband was starting to get fanatical and getting angry with other people in church for not doing things the way he thought they should be done. I grew up in a very fanatical Catholic family, and every Sunday we had to listen to either my grandfather or mother talk about the tight pants somebody was wearing or how somebody behaved in a way they didn’t approve of, or how the priest was too liberal, etc, etc, etc. Because of my own background, I am extra-sensitive to this kind of behavior. If I were your wife, I’d be scared you might be turning into somebody like the people in my family----harshly critical of other people’s behavior in church because it puts YOU out in some manner. These relatives of the First Communion child may have been inconsiderate…but perhaps they were also very uncomfortable in a different faith environment and were doing the best they could. It would be much more Christian to give them the benefit of the doubt rather than getting enraged at them because you had to experience a bit of discomfort during mass. Ever heard of offering something up?

I realize it’s very hard to convey true meaning in posts online because we can’t see each other’s expressions or hear inflections in tone, etc. But to me, it seems like you want to blame all of this on your wife. YOU are the one who is changing the rules of the game here. She may have been quite happy with the way things were before, and now everything is changing on her. Keep EWTN off in your bedroom if it is turning her off. Show her how much you love her in all the little ways, every day. Turn her ON by your Christian behavior, not by outward shows of piety (which may very well be a major turn-off to her, as it is to me). Let her know how much you admire and respect her (the tone of your posts does not convey a lot of admiration for her—she may very well feel that).

God bless!

Thanks for this post… Its very interesting…

 

[22Mar08Convert]

bdeaner,
I’m glad to read how things have improved for you. Skimming through, I saw NFP mentioned a few times. I, too, am a proponent of NFP. However, I also would like to recommend the Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Find out if there is one near you. WWME is a weekend retreat for married couples. It’s a chance to get away together, and focus solely on your marriage, and on God’s Plan for it. Most of the couples my wife and I met had been married 10+ years. Many had found themselves alone, together (again), after all of their kids had grown and moved out. Hearing the experiences of the teaching couples, and how WWME had gotten their failing marriages back on track and focused on God, was truly amazing! My wife and I, having only been married 2 years, and not having encountered many of the troubling experiences the teaching couples had been through, saw great value in the retreat - in how miserable things could become, and upon what things we could improved in our marriage. The communication methods taught to us were key. It was a great way to spend St. Valentine’s Day (weekend) together! Surprizingly intimate! (For two days, we were forced to write love letters to each other!) Nearly all the couples were Catholic (after all, it’s a Catholic ministry), but a few of other denominations were there, and found great value in it. One of the teachers was a priest. I was amazed by how his experiences of being married to his Bride, the Church, were very similar to those of married couples. One of my favorite aspects of the retreat was the small, intimate Mass that was celebrated each day. I hope to you and all who read this that you consider enriching your marriage with WWME. We ALL have room for improvement, and for putting things into perspective.
God Bless you!
-A fellow husband

 

[Kwashic]

Hi bdeaner,
Your situation sounds a little bit like mine. I am the wife of a cradle Catholic. He never actually fell away from the Faith, but he didn’t particularly live it either. He’d go to church on Sundays most times, but that’s about it.

I grew up Mormon and became a born-again-bible-thumpin-holy-spirit-shouting-praising-pentecostal-christian about 5 years into our marriage.

I was so filled with zeal and a love for Jesus that I was pretty obnoxious. Since my husband is more quiet in his faith and at the time wasn’t even able to tell me why Catholics kneel or sit or stand when they do during Mass, I didn’t take his faith seriously.

A few years later, my prayers were answered, but not in the way I thought they would be. Rather than my husband joining this church that I liked, I became Catholic. It was through a lot of prayer and a LOT of study. I still had the zeal, but it had toned down a bit by then.

Suddenly, my husband started taking the head of the household and spiritual authority seriously. I had wanted him to do that very thing for a LONG time and had been praying for it to happen. In the meantime, I was the one taking the kids to VBS, making sure they knew their Bible stories, family prayer, instructing the children, making sacrifices so that we could send them to Catholic school, blah blah blah ad infinitum.

Now HE was the one who started instigating family prayer time. HE was the one who started instructing the children… HE was the one who made sure that they knew why they were kneeling when they did at Mass… etc. etc. etc.

God made us both to be parents, but I firmly believe that Mothers and Fathers fulfill different rolls. I had, for a time, been the “spiritual head” of the home. Out of necessity. He wasn’t interested in those things, or didn’t see the importance. Now suddenly he was making the leap and I felt blind-sided.

Our sex life became more a chore too. Because women and men are fundamentally different in their wiring, I couldn’t just leave my resentments at the bedroom door and welcome him into my arms without that little niggling voice in the back of my head, “who does he think he is anyway?!”.

Give your wife some time. Be open and honest in your communication with her. Perhaps even apologize and express appreciation for her “lead” in the spiritual side of your family at a time when you were not ready. ASK her to instruct YOU on what she’s learned and how converting has changed her life. Her own zeal may have fizzled a bit waiting for you to catch up to her. Now that you also have it, don’t forget that she has it too, and that she has it in her own way. She may not be apologetically minded, but her faith is her own.

My husband and I start talking about faith and his is such that he doesn’t NEED to know details. He doesn’t feel that burning desire to know what council did what and in what year and so on. He doesn’t need to know those things for his own faith, but I do.

We will both be praying for you and your wife.

in Christ
Steph

My wife left the Catholic church and one time insulted it and made hurtful accusations that were obviously coming from the usual teachings of churches that despise the Catholic faith and want to recruit from it. I am not about to leave the Catholic faith. She wont even visit me in church and was only there once for my mother’s funeral, which she didnt really attend to my satisfaction, running off to her other church. I have forgiven her but its not like I dont wish she would come back like you did. I feel like she betrayed me, because i dont think she would have said ‘I dont’ if asked if she would stick by my side when we got married. But I still say at least she is chasing her heavenly destiny. God will reward her well. I cannot claim to know if I am right or wrong. Only God knows. But I will accept things the way they are and try to be a good husband. Just that its that much harder when your wife is chasing her own destiny elsewhere. I would be lying if I said I would still have married her if I had known it would be like this someday. I’d be lying to God for he knows I would have not. Still things could easily have been worse. Its my cross to bear. I will try. :bighanky:

 

[adopted_heir]

I’m glad to hear that you’re working through some deep issues and your wife has found some happiness. I can only imagine the great weight she must be relieved of, after having kept that secret for I don’t know how many years. It must’ve been difficult for her to carry that since her youth, and I’m sure she was afraid of your reaction should it ever come out, but a gracious, loving response from you may have gone a long way toward healing a wound in her heart. I would say love her, serve her, do stupid little things that you know make her happy for no other reason than to splendor in her happiness, but don’t try to hide your faith or turn it down while she’s around, because that makes you a hypocrite and will not help her to respect you or value you as her man. She will respond to you if you are firm but gracious, letting her know that it is important to you, and that you’re not judging or condemning her for her faith or past actions or moral struggles.

If it’s ever the right time to mention (as in, not in the middle of an argument about these things, but maybe during a candid, calm discussion about the impact of faith on the marriage), you may reiterate that it’s your job, as the husband to be the religious head of the household, and while you respect her and value her advice and opinions, it’s not her place to try to control your spirituality, whether by complaining you’re too religious, or not religious enough (wives are good at trying to religify their husbands, never to good results). Remember the problem with Jezebel was that she made herself the religious leader of her marriage, and used her greater spirituality to bring herself ruin.

You might let her know that insisting on controlling things shows a lack of trust in you–why can’t you drive? Is she afraid as soon as you’re behind the wheel the car will explode purely because of your incompetence? I’ve never heard of that happening. And bills are a tedious chore you might not want to handle, and let her take care of anyway (I’m the check-writer in our house mostly because it takes a weight off my husband’s shoulders and he really hates keeping track of that stuff), but you might discuss with her that overcontrolling in those areas also show a lack of trust in you, especially since you are wise enough that you’ve set aside and abide by a budget for your spending money.

Maybe there are some trust issues going on here, not through any past failings of your own, but because of her difficulties and pain arising from that abortion–it’s got to be a hard task to fully trust someone enough to disclose something that has obviously caused her a lot of lingering pain. Maybe now she has trusted you with her greatest burden, she can relax her grip on the rest of the household matters, let you take the lead where you should. Let her know she doesn’t have to be in charge of everything all the time, that you’re a safe place for her to be vulnerable and let down her guard, that you’ll take away her burdens when you can and not add to them. Once she realizes you’re okay, and you love her, she may be able to relax enough to get back into the mood more enthusiastically. As far as orgasm, it’s true that not all women have them, few have them every time, and it’s more the journey than the destination (you can have a lot of fun and be totally satisfied without that final bang), but she’ll be a lot less inhibited when she knows she doesn’t have to carry the weight of the world.

I know this isn’t a thread addressed to her, but I would recommend, wife to wife, that she read “Created to be His Help Meet,” by Debi Pearl. It’s a book that has changed my marriage in the way I see and love my husband. It’s a difficult book in a lot of areas and may meet with a lot of resistance, but I can say from experience it changes the whole landscape of a marriage. I believe there’s a companion book for husbands by Ron Pearl, which may be exactly the words you need to handle yourself in this situation in the long run.

I’m sorry I made this so long, I hope it’s not so long it won’t be read, but I hope the best for you and your wife, and I’m glad you’ve made a lot of good headway and have broken past some barriers and friction to grow closer together. God bless,
Anna