My confession was rejected

[TweetyBird]

I didn’t take the time to read through all pages of the thread, so I hope I’m not being repetitious. I am currently in the process of pursuing marriage convalidation. My (civil) husband had reservations about it but is now fully open to it. We will be starting the paperwork/marriage prep soon. He is a cradle Catholic and I became Catholic at age 13, though we’ve both been away from the Church for many years. My catechesis was very poor, and even if I had cared at the time, I did not know that a civil marriage between Catholics is considered invalid by the Church.

Anyway, I have been to confession a few times in the past couple of years (my reversion to the Church has been a long and slow process) and was NEVER refused absolution, even by three very orthodox priests. What was required was contrition and a firm desire of amendment - that is, I intended to remain chaste until the convalidation of the marriage. Of course, if you note the pregnancy ticker in my signature, you’ll see that I failed in that intention…at this point, I’m waiting to go to confession until just before the convalidation. I really don’t get why a person in this circumstance would be refused absolution unless they saw no sin in their situation, planned not to pursue convalidation, and stated no intention to remain chaste? I mean, both single and married people commit sins against chastity all the time. A lot of people struggle with the sin of self abuse, for example, and find themselves in the confessional reciting this same sin over and over. I would imagine they are not refused absolution unless the have no purpose of amendment?

At this point, I am waiting to go to confession until the eve of our convalidation, which will probably be in a few months or so. I will talk to my priest about whether I should continue to go to confession in the meantime…last time I confessed was Dec 06…

 

[TweetyBird]

Did the priest ask if you were still living with you spouse that you married in the backyard? If you are then you cannot recieve absolution until you resolve that situation.

My priest has said that if we are “living as brother and sister” I can receive communion (assuming I have confessed my mortal sins, of course), even though we are in an invalid marriage. (We are not, btw, so I don’t receive and won’t until the marriage is convalidated).

 

[THurifer2]

I intended to remain chaste until the convalidation of the marriage. Of course, if you note the pregnancy ticker in my signature, you’ll see that I failed in that intention…
At this point, I am waiting to go to confession until the eve of our convalidation, which will probably be in a few months or so. I will talk to my priest about whether I should continue to go to confession in the meantime…last time I confessed was Dec 06…

Um if somone else could chime in here I am going to be the first to say it…if I may encourage you that waiting to go to confession is not a good Idea. Based on the information you give waiting for confession is somthing you may want to reconsider.

I am not going to condemn you . But I do feel obliged to mention that Sexual relations outside of Marriage is considered a grave matter and going to confession in Dec. of 06 and waiting another 2 months would put you at over a year for confession anyway which violates one of the precepts of the church (we are must confess our sins at least onces per year)
You also realize that people cannot recieve communion while under mortal sin…(not saying your are…just saying)

 

[TweetyBird]

OK great then WHY COULDNT YOU RECIEVE COMMUNION?

Possibly because of the chance of giving scandal? Even if one’s sins are absolved and on remains chaste in an invalid marriage, other Catholics might not know that and may be scandalized to see a Catholic in a cohabitation situation receiving communion?

I think this is less of an issue nowadays, because most fellow Catholics really have no way of knowing whether a particular couple was married validly or not. Just specuation on my part…

 

[TweetyBird]

Um if somone else could chime in here I am going to be the first to say it…if I may encourage you that waiting to go to confession is not a good Idea. Based on the information you give waiting for confession is somthing you may want to reconsider.

I am not going to condemn you . But I do feel obliged to mention that Sexual relations outside of Marriage is considered a grave matter and going to confession in Dec. of 06 and waiting another 2 months would put you at over a year for confession anyway which violates one of the precepts of the church (we are must confess our sins at least onces per year)
You also realize that people cannot recieve communion while under mortal sin…(not saying your are…just saying)

Thanks for your comments. I’ll speak to my priest about it. And yes, I know I am not able to receive communion.

 

[THurifer2]

Thanks for your comments. I’ll speak to my priest about it. And yes, I know I am not able to receive communion.

You do realize that an able bodied practicing Catholic can recieve communion…right? The only impedment would be mortal sin or breaking the Eucharistic fast. You do realize what a mortal sin is…right?

You really need to look into why you cannot recieve communion.

 

[LilyM]

when one makes a good confession and recieves absolution then they can recieve communion.

Also priests get busy and do not know the situations of all people all the time perhaps the priest forgot or was busy when he informed you not to take communion.

Sounds like a reasonable explanation to me - priests hear an awful lot of confessions, and do a lot of other tasks in the meantime. He may not have remembered that you had been to confession with him already

How about going back and asking him again?

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

I went to confession the other day after about 25 years. I had found a “guide” to confession to use as an outline to make sure I was being thorough. In the confessional, per the guide’s instruction, I confessed that I was married outside the church (my parent’s back yard by a judge). The priest then told me that I was outside the sacraments and my confession was stopped. This left me devestated! I was almost half way through my confession! When I returned home I tried to find any resource that could have warned me that this would happen to no avail. Then I started wondering about the purpose. I believe it is the Church’s intention/decision to punish? me! Why?! I was requesting forgiveness - denied!

Even though you don’t say it in your post I would assume that you are continuing to live with the person to who you are not Married and so continue in a state of Mortal sin with no intention to remove yourself form the situation. In this case you do not have access to any of the Sacraments of the Church, except in danger of death. You need to make an appointment with the pastor and find out how to return to the Sacraments.

 

[TweetyBird]

You do realize that an able bodied practicing Catholic can recieve communion…right? The only impedment would be mortal sin or breaking the Eucharistic fast. You do realize what a mortal sin is…right?

You really need to look into why you cannot recieve communion.

With all due respect, it’s not your business to tell me what I “really need” to do or not do. I am talking with my parish priest about rectifying the situation by having my marriage convalidated. Perhaps you are perfect; I am not. I am looking forward with joy to the time (soon, I hope) when I will be in full communion with the Church and sacramentally married to the man I love and the father of my children. Lesson learned: in the future, I will refrain from posting personal details about my situation, so that folks like you will not be compelled to admonish when it is not your place to do so. If I were advocating that someone else disregard Church teaching, perhaps your criticism would be justified. Otherwise, I kindly ask that you refrain from further comment on the particulars of my own situation.

 

[Nechasin]

Tweetybird,
I will pray for you during the time that you are getting your marriage convalidated. I applaud your willingness to follow the Church’s teaching even when it is hard and seems impractical. Please don’t let the lack of charity or understanding of others to let you down in your endeavor to get yourself right with God. You are doing the right thing in getting your marriage convalidated.

God Bless.

 

[THurifer2]

With all due respect, it’s not your business to tell me what I “really need” to do or not do. I am talking with my parish priest about rectifying the situation by having my marriage convalidated. Perhaps you are perfect; I am not. I am looking forward with joy to the time (soon, I hope) when I will be in full communion with the Church and sacramentally married to the man I love and the father of my children. Lesson learned: in the future, I will refrain from posting personal details about my situation, so that folks like you will not be compelled to admonish when it is not your place to do so. If I were advocating that someone else disregard Church teaching, perhaps your criticism would be justified. Otherwise, I kindly ask that you refrain from further comment on the particulars of my own situation.

You are the one who confided personal info on this board. Let me put it this way…YOU said you had a slight trip in your living chastely…and then commented that you are waiting an extended period of time (in your case 2 months) before going to confession.

TO avoid offending you personally …hypothetically…

If I knew someone who comitted fornication and then told me that they were going to wait 2 weeks or two months before going to confession I would consider that extremely foolish. In fact ETERNALLY foolish. I wouldn’t tell them that because I think I am holier than them or because it would belittling them. It would be due to the fact of the urgency of WARNING them what the church teaches (not me) on the matter of the grave sin of Fornication and its consequences…SORRY FOR CARING ABOUT YOU via urgency I thought I was helping you…

 

[Woodstock]

I read through post 30. Up until that point at least, you were not given accurate information.
**
People in your situation most certainly can be absolved and receive the Eucharist if they choose to live as brother and sister until the marriage is convalidated.**

If one of you was previously married, that person would need to go through the annulment process before the convalidation.

Through this entire time you may confess and receive as long as you abstain from sexual relations. If you confess with a firm resolve and then later sin again, just like any other person who has had sex outside of a marriage recognized by the Church, you would need to return to confession before receiving again. You *can *return to confession and receive again. (It is a different issue if the priest does not believe you are trying to amend your ways, but I’ll assume after returning to the Church and confession after 25 years, that isn’t the case.)

I saw someone else mention that she is waiting to confess until her convalidation. There is no reason to do this. Please print out the below answer and schedule an appointment with the priest so that you can be absolved of your sins as soon as possible!

You made a mistake because you presumably did not know better. The priest made a mistake because he presumably did not know better. You are wanting to fix yours. Give him the information and chance to fix his. Go get absolved and start receiving the Eucharist! You’ve waited long enough!

Can a couple living chastely receive the sacraments?

 

[Marina14]

I went to confession the other day after about 25 years. I had found a “guide” to confession to use as an outline to make sure I was being thorough. In the confessional, per the guide’s instruction, I confessed that I was married outside the church (my parent’s back yard by a judge). The priest then told me that I was outside the sacraments and my confession was stopped. This left me devestated! I was almost half way through my confession! When I returned home I tried to find any resource that could have warned me that this would happen to no avail. Then I started wondering about the purpose. I believe it is the Church’s intention/decision to punish? me! Why?! I was requesting forgiveness - denied!

The only thing I can think of is that Priests cannot offer forgiveness to those who are continuing to live in sin. The first step in this type of situation, I believe, is to pursue an annullment of that marriage or to get the marriage validated in the Church depending on your current situation with that spouse, but I would start by asking a priest to confirm this.

Best wishes to you! I can only imagine what a heart ache this must have been. A true lesson in humility…those lessons are never easy.

 

[Woodstock]

The only thing I can think of is that Priests cannot offer forgiveness to those who are continuing to live in sin. The first step in this type of situation, I believe, is to pursue an annullment …

The first step is to stop have marital relations unless and until the marriage is convalidated. The second to schedule an appointment with the priest. The third to be absolved. The fourth to receive the Eucharist. The fifth to work on whatever needs to be done: annulment(s) and/or convalidation. The sixth is to repeat as necessary.

 

[TweetyBird]

Tweetybird,
I will pray for you during the time that you are getting your marriage convalidated. I applaud your willingness to follow the Church’s teaching even when it is hard and seems impractical. Please don’t let the lack of charity or understanding of others to let you down in your endeavor to get yourself right with God. You are doing the right thing in getting your marriage convalidated.

God Bless.

Thank you for your encouragement.

 

[TweetyBird]

You are the one who confided personal info on this board. Let me put it this way…YOU said you had a slight trip in your living chastely…and then commented that you are waiting an extended period of time (in your case 2 months) before going to confession.

TO avoid offending you personally …hypothetically…

If I knew someone who comitted fornication and then told me that they were going to wait 2 weeks or two months before going to confession I would consider that extremely foolish. In fact ETERNALLY foolish. I wouldn’t tell them that because I think I am holier than them or because it would belittling them. It would be due to the fact of the urgency of WARNING them what the church teaches (not me) on the matter of the grave sin of Fornication and its consequences…SORRY FOR CARING ABOUT YOU via urgency I thought I was helping you…

Yes, I did confide personal information. Like I said, lesson learned. Apparently that cannot be done without risk of public chastisement. My comment about my own conduct in the matter didn’t really contribute to the thread, and I will be careful to leave out personal details in the future.

I am aware of what the Church teaches on this matter. I am also aware of my own limitations and of the necessity of preserving my relationship with my (civil) husband, considering that we have four children and that he is estranged from the Church and pursuing convalidation for my sake only.

Here’s the deal - you come off as very abrasive and seem to jump down people’s throats. I really don’t get the impression that you’re concerned at all with my wellbeing. It has been made clear that having marital relations outside of a marriage recognized by the Church constitutes grave matter. Now stop pouring salt in the wound.

My initial response to you (e.g., “Thanks…I’ll talk to my priest”) was my subtle and polite attempt to say “Concern noted, now please back off.” I will, indeed, talk with my priest about it.

I’m sure you’ll comment again - since you seem to be the type of person that needs to have the last word. I will not make any further response to you.

 

[TweetyBird]

I read through post 30. Up until that point at least, you were not given accurate information.
**
People in your situation most certainly can be absolved and receive the Eucharist if they choose to live as brother and sister until the marriage is convalidated.**

I saw someone else mention that she is waiting to confess until her convalidation. There is no reason to do this. Please print out the below answer and schedule an appointment with the priest so that you can be absolved of your sins as soon as possible!

Can a couple living chastely receive the sacraments?

Thanks for your charitable suggestion and for the link. I hesitate to post any further details about the particulars of my own situation, but I will most definitely talk with my priest.

 

[THurifer2]

Two important notes.

1. This thread was inactive for nearly a month.

2)Some people post comments to bait traditionalists into posting a reply…so they can admonish the traditionalist for being “Abrasive”.

 

[TweetyBird]

Two important notes.

1. This thread was inactive for nearly a month.

2)Some people post comments to bait traditionalists into posting a reply…so they can admonish the traditionalist for being “Abrasive”.

You’re absolutely right. As a struggling revert, my goal in life is to “bait traditionalists.”

In the future I will pay more attention to the date of the last post, lest I be accused of “baiting traditionalists.”

 

[Woodstock]

Tweety,

Don’t worry about them. You’ve got enough to deal with without adding in others’ problems. I noticed that link doesn’t give a reference. Depending on your priest, he might want to look it up for himself. You could ask them to give you a reference to take to him.

So that you don’t get let down, I would expect two meetings with the priest. The first to talk and give him the information, then time for him to look it up, then the second to come back and confess. Push for the second to be less than 7 days later.

In the mean time, while you are waiting to confess, you and your husband can stop having relations and you can make an act of perfect contrition to God asking forgiveness for your sins until you are able to go to confession.

Imperfect contrition means you are sorry, but it might be out of fear or guilt. Perfect contrition means you are sorry, but it is because of your love of God and pain for having offended Him. You can’t return to the Eucharist without being absolved, but you can know you are in a state of grace should something happen to you before you are able to be absolved.

I’ll say a prayer for you and your priest that you might soon be able to once again know the joy and peace that comes through the Mystery of Repentance.