My continuing marriage dilemma

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jules11

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Just when I thought we were on the road to reconciliation, my husband does something that has made me think, long and hard about whether we can consider living together again.
He works very hard, hates his job (he’s a teacher of yrs 6/7s). It’s demanding, he works long long hours and the kids are from a very low socio-economic area, so they have huge behavioural problems.
He often has debilitating migraines where he vomits and has to leave work. Well, he had one of these on Friday. I picked his son up from his mother’s house as he was too sick to do it. I suggested he come to my house and I would make him dinner. I went to buy the soup he wanted.
My 14yo son asked to stay at a friends, and I said he could. He had been having to stay home for months as my nephew has been here every weekend and as he wasn’t over this one, I said my son could go to his friends.
I put the baby to bed. The other two girls were out too. I told my son that I couldn’t take him until H got here as I couldn’t leave the baby. He turned up, told son he was here, so he went out the front. Two friends of my eldest daughter turned up at the same time (to meet up with her at my place). They offered to take son to his friends.
H got angry that there was noone there for his son, J to be with. (J said he didn’t care if he was there by himself.)
He was angry that I let him go in the car with these friends. (well known to me. one girl one guy. good friends of my daughters)
I had no reason to believe that son was not going to get to his friends safely. 2 minutes away.
Anyway, H left, angry, saying he was not going to exclude J. I said nothing.
He hasn’t talked to me for days. I am so upset by this. It’s one thing to have a disagreement, it’s another to walk out and then not communicate for 3 days. I have sent him text messages. He says first of all, it was rude to leave J by himself. Then says he cannot stand by and watch the way I parent my son, which in his opinion, is very bad.
I did nothing to hurt him or upset him intentionally and I get 3 days of being ignored, especially when I have this miscarriage thing looming over my head and I have started to spot significantly now… and I have the scan tomorrow.
I am so hurt by his selfishness. I am so hurt that no matter how hard I try he always finds something to be angry at me about. I am hurt that with all that is going on with this baby, he can stay mad at me about something like this.
I am so upset that when I thought we were on the road to getting back together, he does something that shows it would never work.
He has 3 months left of his lease and after that we have to decide if he renews it and we stay separated for another year, or we get back together. It seems very unwise for us to reconcile after this weekend.
I am so sad, for this marriage, for the lack of a normal life, for our little boy that doesn’t see his dad when he is punishing me like this. And I have done my utmost to be a good wife, to be supportive and loving. What on earth do I do? And counselling won’t help. We’ve tried it. many times.
 
I don’t really have any advice or solutions. I just want to offer you my prayers and let you know that you are not alone. I think you know that he is not really upset about anything you did. He just has his own issues, and for whatever reason it is comforting to him to have someone to lash out at. I am sorry that it is at such a time that has to be so physically and emotionally draining for you. I hope you get a chance for a little bit of peace in this storm, and maybe your prayers can bring you some new perspectives.
 
I’m so sorry.

Hopefully you know that his behavior is HIS responsibility, not yours. You can not help or control the way he acts. You should not have to put up w/ being ‘punished’, as you say.
—KCT
 
Oh, {{{ }}} I had my XH pull this stuff when I thought I was miscarrying. You need to know a few things to put this in perspective. The silences are to punish you. This is abusive behavior. A man who witholds all love and affection and even won’t talk to you when you are grieving a miscarriage is beyond reprehensible.

He is looking for reasons to punish you to allay his own guilt feelings. If he can find something insignificant to get mad at, then it justifies his actions, whatever he’s doing.

I hope he enjoys his migraines. Next time let him suffer. Tell him to offer it up.

Don’t bail him out anymore. You did NOTHING wrong letting your son go in the car. If he can’t trust your judgment after all these years, that is not your fault.

Nothing you ever do will be enough. He will always be miserable. Some people are not happy unless they have something to be miserable about.

Counselling is never successful with abusers. And even if he hasn’t hit you yet, I’m sure he’s verbally abusive. The silent treatment is abuse. They won’t admit what they do, and you can’t fix something you won’t admit.

Please stop blaming yourself. You are doing all the work in that relationship, and you deserve to be taken care of during this time. And all he’s doing is whining about HIS headache? Making YOU drive around and get HIM soup? (Banging my head against wall for you here, so you don’t have to do it.)

Am I correct that HIS son was going to be “alone” when he came over? And he’s mad? Why can’t HE spend some quality time with the boy? Why is he putting this all on YOU?

Here’s a bucket of cold water in your face. And it’s from someone who has lived your experience. (Silent treatment in the DELIVERY ROOM for four hours because he was mad at me). In the relationship you deserve right now, your husband would be doing this:
  1. Rubbing your back and making you sit with your feet up.
  2. Bringing you tea.
  3. Cleaning the house.
  4. Crying with you. (Not trying to make YOU cry, for pete’s sake!)
  5. Praying the rosary.
  6. Holding you in his arms.
  7. Taking the kids (all of them) out for ice cream cones to give you some time alone.
  8. Telling you how much he loves you. And helping you name the baby and talking about how you’ll meet it in heaven someday.
  9. Driving you to the doctor and holding your hand.
  10. Taking you out to dinner so you don’t have to cook.
If this isn’t being done for you, it’s because he has no clue how to treat another human being who is suffering. It’s because he can only see his own pain and his headaches. He has no empathy even for his wife and unborn baby.

I lived this. You can hang in there and try to force it to work until you go mad and you are so worn down emotionally that there is nothing left for the kids who love you. Or you can stop trying to take responsibility for 100 percent of making this work. I see 98/2 here. Not 50/50. And something tells me if he had the best job in the world, he’d still hate it.

Take care of YOU! Your kids need you. Stop thinking of a future with him. If HE wants it, make HIM do the work to rebuild the love and trust HE tore down. Because if you try to rebuild that, every time you lay a brick, he will take it down.

A saying that got me through a very hard several years: “The castle of my dreams is destroyed, but I am building a cathedral in the ruins.”

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. {{{ }}}
 
I know what I am about to say sounds immature, but maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine. Tell him you are angry that he could leave his baby boy for 3 days because he is mad at you and don’t let him over for an additional however many days he ignores you. Don’t call, don’t text don’t respond at all. Maybe he needs to see how it feels to be ignored. When that time is up, sit down and talk to him about how his children don’t need a dad that ignores them when he is mad at mom.
 
It’s not immature, BlestOne. It’s good advice. That kind gives the silent treatment because it’s a power kick to see all your calls and text messages and watch you beg. THEY have the power to ignore you! They know they have made you cry, beg, apologize, plead, bargain… and they sit there in their god-like stone cold cruelty and let you twist in the wind until they decide to throw you a bone.

However, when you ignore them, they wonder what you’re up to. That isn’t in the game plan. You’re not supposed to do that! It takes the power away from them. Usually enough of that and then they come back with meaningless apologies to try to put the balance of power back.

I played that game of push-me/pull-you for years. Now he does it with the girls. The oldest has it figured out. He screams and yells at them, or sulks. So she ignores him to make him come crawling back to “fix things.” Which is a horrible lesson he’s taught her about relationships. But she only does that with him. And she knows it’s abnormal. And she knows he’s predictable.

Spend time with your children and show them unconditional love. You’re the only parent who will teach them. that.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Oh, {{{ }}}

Here’s a bucket of cold water in your face. And it’s from someone who has lived your experience. (Silent treatment in the DELIVERY ROOM for four hours because he was mad at me). In the relationship you deserve right now, your husband would be doing this:
  1. Rubbing your back and making you sit with your feet up.
  2. Bringing you tea.
  3. Cleaning the house.
  4. Crying with you. (Not trying to make YOU cry, for pete’s sake!)
  5. Praying the rosary.
  6. Holding you in his arms.
  7. Taking the kids (all of them) out for ice cream cones to give you some time alone.
  8. Telling you how much he loves you. And helping you name the baby and talking about how you’ll meet it in heaven someday.
  9. Driving you to the doctor and holding your hand.
  10. Taking you out to dinner so you don’t have to cook.
If this isn’t being done for you, it’s because he has no clue how to treat another human being who is suffering. It’s because he can only see his own pain and his headaches. He has no empathy even for his wife and unborn baby.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. {{{ }}}
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Well, up until a few days ago, he was doing all this. He was wonderful. He stayed with me, cried with me, was supportive and caring. asked me how I was doing 3 times a day…he was incredible. Now he has made a mountain out of a molehill and isn’t humble enough to admit he was wrong.
He carried on about nothing and is trying to make it into something.
I am so hurt. I just want to cry.
 
I am probably going to have to go to hospital today, although the scan was booked for tomorrow, I am having significant loss. I don’t want this to go on for days, so I’d rather go in and have a curette.
I have no intention of telling him, I don’t want him to come in with this hanging over our heads. He will be angry that I didn’t tell him, he will say, it’s his baby too. But I have enough stress right now, I just can’t deal with him. And you’re right, Liberanosamalo, if he cannot trust my judgement in regards to my parenting, then he doesn’t know me at all… I’m not a slack mother and he gives me no credit.
I just cannot believe he is doing this NOW, of all times!
 
Oh Jules… I am so sorry you are going through this right now!!! Prayers for you! Do what is best for you right now, it is your health that is important right now.
 
I can believe he’s doing it now. Because all his issues are about him being the center of the universe. And when you are vulnerable, ill, giving birth, or preoccupied, then your attention isn’t on HIM. So he has to behave badly till it becomes about him and your focus is on him again. Then he can dole out backrubs and a few tears your way. But when the attention shifts from his needs again, then he gets mad and punishes you. It always seemed mine was the worst when I needed him the most to be mature and support me. That’s what two year olds do. When you are busy, they hold their breath till they turn blue to get their way.

I’ll be thinking about you tonight. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone. 😦 It’s a bad sign when you want to miscarry alone because if your husband were there, he’d just ruin it all.

(Irony intended.)

He already knows you’re having problems. He should be with you now. He’s off playing head games. He removed himself from this picture.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
I can believe he’s doing it now. Because all his issues are about him being the center of the universe. And when you are vulnerable, ill, giving birth, or preoccupied, then your attention isn’t on HIM. So he has to behave badly till it becomes about him and your focus is on him again. Then he can dole out backrubs and a few tears your way. But when the attention shifts from his needs again, then he gets mad and punishes you. It always seemed mine was the worst when I needed him the most to be mature and support me. That’s what two year olds do. When you are busy, they hold their breath till they turn blue to get their way.

I’ll be thinking about you tonight. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone. 😦 It’s a bad sign when you want to miscarry alone because if your husband were there, he’d just ruin it all.

(Irony intended.)

He already knows you’re having problems. He should be with you now. He’s off playing head games. He removed himself from this picture.
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Don’t shoot but I’m going to make a suggestion that might be unpopular. While his actions are wrong, wrong, wrong, could it be that he’s doing it this time because sometimes distancing yourself is a self-defense mechanism? He might be trying to not be around for the end of the pregnancy because it’s too emotional for him and he might be using the fight as an excuse. Men don’t always handle grief well. They seem worse at it than women.

Maybe you should text him and say “I know that the loss of our child is horrible for you too but I really need the love and support you’ve been showing me lately. I need you there to lean on and take care of me.” This will give him and out and maybe a wake-up call. Just a thought.
 
bear06 said:
Don’t shoot but I’m going to make a suggestion that might be unpopular. While his actions are wrong, wrong, wrong, could it be that he’s doing it this time because sometimes distancing yourself is a self-defense mechanism? He might be trying to not be around for the end of the pregnancy because it’s too emotional for him and he might be using the fight as an excuse. Men don’t always handle grief well. They seem worse at it than women.

Maybe you should text him and say “I know that the loss of our child is horrible for you too but I really need the love and support you’ve been showing me lately. I need you there to lean on and take care of me.” This will give him and out and maybe a wake-up call. Just a thought.
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Thank you, I promise I won’t shoot, but I am way too proud to give him a way out at the moment. You could be right, but I don’t think so.
He sent me a message yesterday saying, ‘if I have let you down, then so be it. Once again you are dumping your grief on me’
Well, I’m really not sure what he meant, as last week he was happy to be there for me.
So I am definately NOT going to ask him to be there for me now, although he will tell me later, that he did not mean it the way I took it, but how else can I take that?
I’m just in total shock at his change of attitude. I cannot believe he could be so callous and cruel.
He really is like two different people. I just don’t understand him at all.
Anyway, he knows that now of all times I would need him to lean on, I shouldn’t have to tell him. But thanks for your reply.
 
jules11 said:
Thank you, I promise I won’t shoot, but I am way too proud to give him a way out at the moment. You could be right, but I don’t think so.
He sent me a message yesterday saying, ‘if I have let you down, then so be it. Once again you are dumping your grief on me’
Well, I’m really not sure what he meant, as last week he was happy to be there for me.
So I am definately NOT going to ask him to be there for me now, although he will tell me later, that he did not mean it the way I took it, but how else can I take that?
I’m just in total shock at his change of attitude. I cannot believe he could be so callous and cruel.
He really is like two different people. I just don’t understand him at all.
Anyway, he knows that now of all times I would need him to lean on, I shouldn’t have to tell him. But thanks for your reply.
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You’re probably quite right in all of your assumptions. That said, the reality may have sunk in for him. Like I said, men don’t always do grief well. I’ve seen many husbands do thing like this (especially when their fathers die for some reason - maybe it’s a mortality reality). Thankfully my husband just gets quiet - supportive but quiet. He definitely doesn’t want to have long chats about the situation but I’ll take that way of dealing with it vs. some other ways I’ve seen other men react.

Many prayers!
 
Thanks Bear, I really feel that if he can’t think of me now, then I will not be begging him to.
He can be such a wonderful husband and the change is incredible. I just feel like giving up completely on this marriage. I just don’t see any hope when he is so inconsistent. I didn’t even do anything to him! I let my son go to a friends place!
And it’s soooo hurtful to be ignored, like I’m a nobody.
He did say to me before this happened that usually after he has migraines, he is short tempered and we usually get into huge fights, he said, ‘just be aware…’
But then he went on to make it happen. There was nothing I could do to avoid this confict as he created it!
 
You’re probably quite right in all of your assumptions. That said, the reality may have sunk in for him. Like I said, men don’t always do grief well. I’ve seen many husbands do thing like this (especially when their fathers die for some reason - maybe it’s a mortality reality). Thankfully my husband just gets quiet - supportive but quiet. He definitely doesn’t want to have long chats about the situation but I’ll take that way of dealing with it vs. some other ways I’ve seen other men react.
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That’s when my XH started going over the deep end at warp speed was when his father died.

Your suggestion would work for a normal man. But as Jules points out, she’s dealing with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and she has no idea who is going to walk in the door at any given moment. SHE is the one with the hormones crashing and yet he is accusing her of dumping her grief on him? How very very sad. Maybe he needs to see a medical doctor. Maybe his headaches are a sign of a brain tumor or something. I used to pray my XH had a brain tumor. Because then that would explain his behavior and I could forgive him for it. No such luck. 🤷
 
Have you tried a 12-step group, to help you cope with your husband’s behavior?

See if there’s an Alanon group near you. You can go to the meetings without saying a word, just to listen and learn.

Whether dealing with an alcoholic, drug addict, or just someone with behavior problems, 12-step groups are INVALUABLE. They teach you how to live your life in peace, without reacting to what the other person says or does.

You can also get some great little pamphlets free at the meetings, or buy one of the books like “One Day at a Time in Al-anon.” These books are written for families of alcoholics, but the perspective-changing methods contained in these books will help anybody who is dealing with someone with unstable behavior.

I went to Alanon when my alcholic husband was still living with me, and it saved my sanity. However, when my teenage daughter started having behavior problems (nothing to do with alcohol), I went back to Alanon again, to save my sanity a second time.

Alanon is based on Christian principles, which is why it works. But it’s so specific that it really targets what’s happening in your life, and teaches you how to Let Go and Let God.

Take care of you during this really hard time. You need comfort now, and unfortunately sometimes we have to comfort ourselves because there is nobody else there to do it.

Praying for you and your baby…
 
P.S. One thing that was valuable for me to learn in Alanon, was the saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

It sounds trite, I know, but it does work. When someone is flying off the handle about something and trying to engage a fight, you say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and quietly walk away, without anger or bad feelings, just detached. You leave them to themselves and you go about your business.

Detaching from the crazy behavior, but not disengaging your love of the person, is the key. It’s the most important lesson you can learn in a 12-step group.

Peace be with you,
 
my 2 cents

I got the feeling from your posts that the job is very stressful and some of the distractions at home are adding to that stress. Children going off in all different directions in different modes of transportation - can be a perceived sign of not being able to have any control over anything. He has no control in his class, gets the migraines, feels like he doesn’t have any at home with kids going everywhere, feels like he couldn’t help you with your health issues, and has to make a tough decision in about 3 months which he also may have no control over.

Feeling like you have no control over your destiny, job, family, health, income, marriage, faith, etc. can be overwhelming for any and all families. He sounds like he has a great deal of stress and possibly depression and anxiety about it all.

It’s a lot for both of you to process. It’s a lot for any family to process. Keep strong in your faith. Maybe have a family meeting and discuss what you can all do to pull together for the good of the whole family. Do the older kids have to go out all the time? Can they help with chores for the good of the family? Can we be sure to all be home when Dad arrives to greet him even if its just for a few minutes? Can we ask Dad first if its okay to go anywhere? It’s just a courtesy and helps him feel like he’s in control better and builds confidence. I know you both have been through the ringer lately, but fathers need to feel they are in control - (to provide safety and security for the family) - they know who shouldn’t be driving who and who you shouldn’t be hanging around with. This helps fathers/husbands feel like they are providing for their family and keeping them safe. It may go a long way in helping understand how he feels so you both can appreciate the issues. God Bless you both and your family.
 
Jules:

I am sorry for all you’re going through now. BUT…this chaos and drama has been going on for a l o n g time. Perhaps the most surprising things to me are that you continue to introduce new children into this mayhem and seemd surprised when things don’t get better. Perhaps some time spent living apart will give you each some time to stabilize as well as minimize the risk of more children being added to this situation. If what is obvious to us reading your posts isn’t obvious to you–then it’s time to recognize that your husband is neither a stable or reliable man. As an adult responsible for the welfare of several small children it is up to you to order your life and responsibilities in light of that knowledge instead of wishing and acting like you were living a different reality.
 
Island_Oak said:
Jules:

I am sorry for all you’re going through now. BUT…this chaos and drama has been going on for a l o n g time. Perhaps the most surprising things to me are that you continue to introduce new children into this mayhem and seemd surprised when things don’t get better. Perhaps some time spent living apart will give you each some time to stabilize as well as minimize the risk of more children being added to this situation. If what is obvious to us reading your posts isn’t obvious to you–then it’s time to recognize that your husband is neither a stable or reliable man. As an adult responsible for the welfare of several small children it is up to you to order your life and responsibilities in light of that knowledge instead of wishing and acting like you were living a different reality.
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I understand what you are saying… but I don’t continue to introduce new children. Our one son was born before things got this bad.
And I guess I just keep hoping for a miracle. Sorry, but I can’t help living in hope.

It’s really hard to explain the whole story, there is his side, that is not altogether wrong. I do understand when he explains it, but it’s just hard to accept it when I am feeling so vulnerable.
Thanks for your care
 
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