My continuing marriage dilemma

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I am very confused about everything. My husband has some wonderful traits. He tries his best. He told me that he was very sick all weekend with his migraine. He really needs a specialist to look into these migraines. We have a huge amount of things that impact on our marriage. Four children that aren’t his. His son. My nephew that comes to stay with me. His very demanding job and his health.
I am not making excuses for him, but he has really tried to change. But I am asking myself if I expect too much, don’t endure anything or put up with any discomfort.
I find it hard when he withdraws from me, but he tells me he does this as he is not up to arguing. I can be very confrontational sometimes. I put up with things, then explode when I can’t take any more.
We need to talk about these things when we are calm, but he hardly has the time to talk.
I wonder, do I not trust God enough to help. The thing is, we love each other very much, but find it so hard to see eye to eye.
I don’t want to live my life without him in it, and he feels the same… but I cannot see how we are going to make this work, certainly not without God’s help. I just don’t know…
 
I am very confused about everything right now. My husband has some wonderful traits. He tries his best. Its just that we are both under enormous amounts of stress all the time.
He told me that he was very sick all weekend with his migraine. He really needs a specialist to look into these migraines. We have a huge amount of things that impact on our marriage. Four children that aren’t his. His son. My nephew that comes to stay with me. His very demanding job and his health.
I am not making excuses for him, but he has really tried to change. But I am asking myself if I expect too much, don’t endure anything or put up with any discomfort.
I find it hard when he withdraws from me, but he tells me he does this as he is not up to arguing. I can be very confrontational sometimes. I put up with things, then explode when I can’t take any more.
We need to talk about these things when we are calm, but he hardly has the time to talk.
I wonder, do I not trust God enough to help?
Do I just want the good and not the bad? Am I just acting like a spoilt baby when I don’t cope with things going wrong? I know people that put up with worse than I do and they have been married for 30 years! Am I just overly sensitive when things go wrong? People that love each other have problems and misunderstandings. Am I just not tolerant enough?

The thing is, we love each other very much, but find it so hard to see eye to eye.
I don’t want to live my life without him in it, and he feels the same… but I cannot see how we are going to make this work, certainly not without God’s help. I just don’t know…
 
If memory serves me correct, wasn’t their some physical abuse going on at some point? If so, has it happened recently? Maybe he has learned something and chooses to withdraw rather than to become physical. Maybe he’s making some steps to the positive but they’re not perfect yet. If the physical is still there then you should stay apart for the sake of your children. And yes, a child growing up without a father around is better than an abusive father around.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. We can only work on our weaknesses and pray and offer it up for our spouses. We can’t do it for our spouses or force them into it. They have to change themselves and hopefully our prayers can aid them. We can’t make them positive. We can’t make them healthy. We can’t make them faithful. All we can do it put things in God’s hands and put our children first while we wait and work on our own weaknesses.
 
Jules, if what you have is a communication problem, then I would really suggest Retrouvaille. It’s a great program (but ONLY if BOTH want to make the marriage work.) It won’t work if one person is trying to use it to “change” the other. There are some good communication techniques they teach there so that things don’t build up to the exploding point.

Having said that, if there is abuse going on, that is a much more difficult problem that in my case Retrouvaille did not solve.
 
bear06 said:
If memory serves me correct, wasn’t their some physical abuse going on at some point? If so, has it happened recently? Maybe he has learned something and chooses to withdraw rather than to become physical. Maybe he’s making some steps to the positive but they’re not perfect yet. If the physical is still there then you should stay apart for the sake of your children. And yes, a child growing up without a father around is better than an abusive father around.

I’m sure you’ve heard it before. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. We can only work on our weaknesses and pray and offer it up for our spouses. We can’t do it for our spouses or force them into it. They have to change themselves and hopefully our prayers can aid them. We can’t make them positive. We can’t make them healthy. We can’t make them faithful. All we can do it put things in God’s hands and put our children first while we wait and work on our own weaknesses.
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My husband has gotten help for the abuse. There was abuse but he is determined to do what he has to do to change.
He has completely stopped all forms of verbal abuse and that is a huge step for him. He is trying.
His main gripe with me is me letting my 14yo son mix with 19 yo and one of them admitting to my daughter that he thinks he’s bi-sexual and he seems to have taken an interest in my son. He comes over unannounced about 3 times a week and he wanted my son to stay at his place and my son works with him.
He said that him getting in the car with this other guy is me encouraging him to mix with a peer group that he is too immature for and that he will be exposed to all sorts of temptations he is too young and impressionable to deal with. And these people are not of high moral character.
He has my children’s best interests at heart, he just goes about things the wrong way.
I do understand where he is coming from, but he feels I don’t listen to him and when things turn sour, he says he warned me along.
He does try, he’s not an evil person. He has a good heart…
But he can be very hurtful with the way he goes about things and I just don’t understand until he explains things days later.
 
jules11 said:
My husband has gotten help for the abuse. There was abuse but he is determined to do what he has to do to change.
He has completely stopped all forms of verbal abuse and that is a huge step for him. He is trying.
His main gripe with me is me letting my 14yo son mix with 19 yo and one of them admitting to my daughter that he thinks he’s bi-sexual and he seems to have taken an interest in my son. He comes over unannounced about 3 times a week and he wanted my son to stay at his place and my son works with him.
He said that him getting in the car with this other guy is me encouraging him to mix with a peer group that he is too immature for and that he will be exposed to all sorts of temptations he is too young and impressionable to deal with. And these people are not of high moral character.
He has my children’s best interests at heart, he just goes about things the wrong way.
I do understand where he is coming from, but he feels I don’t listen to him and when things turn sour, he says he warned me along.
He does try, he’s not an evil person. He has a good heart…
But he can be very hurtful with the way he goes about things and I just don’t understand until he explains things days later.
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I could see why he would be concerned about that. It does sound like he is trying. Although, maybe staying apart, taking it slow, and making a real effort to work on your communication styles is the safest approach.
 
jules11 said:
My husband has gotten help for the abuse. There was abuse but he is determined to do what he has to do to change.
He has completely stopped all forms of verbal abuse and that is a huge step for him. He is trying.
His main gripe with me is me letting my 14yo son mix with 19 yo and one of them admitting to my daughter that he thinks he’s bi-sexual and he seems to have taken an interest in my son. He comes over unannounced about 3 times a week and he wanted my son to stay at his place and my son works with him.
He said that him getting in the car with this other guy is me encouraging him to mix with a peer group that he is too immature for and that he will be exposed to all sorts of temptations he is too young and impressionable to deal with. And these people are not of high moral character.
He has my children’s best interests at heart, he just goes about things the wrong way.
I do understand where he is coming from, but he feels I don’t listen to him and when things turn sour, he says he warned me along.
He does try, he’s not an evil person. He has a good heart…
But he can be very hurtful with the way he goes about things and I just don’t understand until he explains things days later.
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Protecting you son is your first priority here. If you think that your husband is going to try and abuse him, then he shouldn’t be left alone with him. You’ve also got to ask yourself why a 19yr. old wants to hang out with a 14yr. old. Your husband’s probably right on this issue and it would seem that you’re not listening to him on that issue.

Were you two married in the Catholic Church? Sorry. I can’t recall.
 
jules11 said:
My husband has gotten help for the abuse. There was abuse but he is determined to do what he has to do to change.
He has completely stopped all forms of verbal abuse and that is a huge step for him. He is trying.
His main gripe with me is me letting my 14yo son mix with 19 yo and one of them admitting to my daughter that he thinks he’s bi-sexual and he seems to have taken an interest in my son. He comes over unannounced about 3 times a week and he wanted my son to stay at his place and my son works with him.
He said that him getting in the car with this other guy is me encouraging him to mix with a peer group that he is too immature for and that he will be exposed to all sorts of temptations he is too young and impressionable to deal with. And these people are not of high moral character.
He has my children’s best interests at heart, he just goes about things the wrong way.
I do understand where he is coming from, but he feels I don’t listen to him and when things turn sour, he says he warned me along.
He does try, he’s not an evil person. He has a good heart…
But he can be very hurtful with the way he goes about things and I just don’t understand until he explains things days later.
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I’m not sure which pronoun goes with which person? But, if I’m understanding this correctly, he’s right on–a 14 year old should not be hanging out with a 19 year old. And, I don’t know any 19 year olds who would want to hang out with 14 year olds unless they have an interest in dominating them either sexually or by leading them into trouble.

His method of handling conflict is obviously immature. I don’t know how you will make it if you don’t find a counselor that can teach the both of you how to break these patterns.

I see what you mean when you say that he has his “side” too in these incidents. He had valid points–he was concerned about the fact that your kid might be in danger. He wanted the boys to spend time together. I imagine that they don’t see each other as much as they should. He’s in an awkward position as a step father who isn’t even in residence.

But, the silent treatment is very juvenile and ridiculous.

I’m sorry for the emotional roller coaster you are on. I hope you can find the peace of Christ to sustain you.
 
The 19 year old should be getting a job, not hanging with a 14 year old. Just a thought.
 
bear06 said:
Protecting you son is your first priority here. If you think that your husband is going to try and abuse him, then he shouldn’t be left alone with him. You’ve also got to ask yourself why a 19yr. old wants to hang out with a 14yr. old. Your husband’s probably right on this issue and it would seem that you’re not listening to him on that issue.

Were you two married in the Catholic Church? Sorry. I can’t recall.
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There is absolutely no fear of my husband abusing my son. No, not at all. He can be very autocratic, but definately not abusive to my children. And, yes, we were married in the catholic church.
Thanks for your reply. It is very difficult to explain all the details of such a complicated situation on a forum.
I do see his point on this issue, but I guess I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in most situations. But on this one, whether I like it or not, I need to heed what he says.
Thanks for your reply
 
Jules,
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I can honestly say that I can understand your confusion for I have been there. First, I am so sorry also that you are miscarrying and I will pray for you during this time. I will pray for you tonight before going to bed.

I can’t write much now for all of a sudden I don’t feel so great, but I just wanted you to know that I will lift you up in prayer. I will write more later for we do have so much in common in as far as our marriages. I understand your feelings and reluctance to end the marriage.

Praying for you and your husband.:signofcross:
 
nana3 said:
Jules,
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I can honestly say that I can understand your confusion for I have been there. First, I am so sorry also that you are miscarrying and I will pray for you during this time. I will pray for you tonight before going to bed.

I can’t write much now for all of a sudden I don’t feel so great, but I just wanted you to know that I will lift you up in prayer. I will write more later for we do have so much in common in as far as our marriages. I understand your feelings and reluctance to end the marriage.

Praying for you and your husband.:signofcross:
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Thank you nana, I know we have similar stories.
It is hard, like I said before, to explain everything on here. But he isn’t a monster… he does try very hard to do the right thing, although he doesn’t always get it right.
I guess, like I said before, am I someone that just doesn’t cope with anything going wrong? I expect things to go well always. Now, what happened last weekend, although I know he didn’t handle it well, has not been normal for him of late. He has done his utmost to do the right thing by me lately. And I do know people that live with this kind of thing on a daily basis and still cope. Things have dramatically improved for us recently. We have made some big steps. But they go well for so long, I don’t deal with it when they go wrong.
I am just asking myself this as it may be the key to us getting along… I just don’t know.
He has changed many of his ways that were destructive to our relationship and thinks that I am not meeting him halfway.
I am just confused.
 
There is absolutely no fear of my husband abusing my son. No, not at all.
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Sorry for the misunderstanding. You said he told your daughter he thought he was bi-sexual and in the next sentence you said he was taking an interest in your son. I thought the two things were joined.
 
bear06 said:
Sorry for the misunderstanding. You said he told your daughter he thought he was bi-sexual and in the next sentence you said he was taking an interest in your son. I thought the two things were joined.
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I took what she wrote to mean that the 19 year old was the one that thought he was bi-sexual and that the 19 year old seems to have an interest in her son. That’s why I thought her husband had a right to be concerned.
 
bear06 said:
Sorry for the misunderstanding. You said he told your daughter he thought he was bi-sexual and in the next sentence you said he was taking an interest in your son. I thought the two things were joined.
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MY husband bi-sexual?? Goodness me!! NO that is not what I meant!!! SO sorry for the confusion! That was the 19 yo friend of my daughters! SORRY! I certainly wouldn’t have to wonder about what to do if he were!
 
jules11 said:
MY husband bi-sexual?? Goodness me!! NO that is not what I meant!!! SO sorry for the confusion! That was the 19 yo friend of my daughters! SORRY! I certainly wouldn’t have to wonder about what to do if he were!
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Yeah the first time I read it, I took it this way too… and I couldn’t understand why you weren’t more alarmed… silly me for not reading carefully, when I went back it made sense, I was reading too fast!
 
Jules,
Again, I am so sorry for all this in your life and I do understand. My dh and I have periods of good times for some time and then he goes all nuts on me. I have come to accept that my dh is mentally ill and does not process things normally in his mind. Years of child abuse can do this to someone. Like your dh, my dh also has improved so much and changed for the better. Like your dh, my dh also really and honestly tries to improve himself for the sake of our marriage. I just have to remember to acknowledge this improvement to him. I tend to focus on his negative qualities and he tells me so, but it usually when I tell him about a way he is acting that is wrong. He will say things like, “You will never be happy with anything I do or say.” I have told him also of how much he has improved and thanked him for it, but when I am wrong I will apologize, but when I know that it is his thinking process that is misunderstanding the entire situation, I just let it go and accept that that is how he will perceive things. He has stopped all verbal abuse which is great. He has never abused me physically and he knows if that happens, then out he goes. Most of our arguements are on his driving and parenting. He is too strict with our dd and I don’t see the need to punish every single thing she does wrong, but just correct and if she does it again then punish. He also gives out punishment that is in excess of what is done wrong. Again, it goes back to how he was raised and how he was punished. Jules, it is very difficult living with a man like this and I don’t have to tell you that huh? It takes much prayers, daily Mass and patience on my part. I still have problems with dh and how he over eats and other addictive behaviors. I have come to realize that his addictions are his way of coping with himself. He doesn’t like himself and sometimes forgets that he has two people who love him no matter what, his dd and me. He has never given me the silence treatment though, but usually likes to talk about things. I am the one at times that clam up because I realize he is just never going to “get it.” He can, like your dh, be a loving and caring man and most of all he really tries to become a better human being.

You say that you feel that it is maybe something that you need to work on yourself. It could be and I am not saying it is. I realize that I was also a person with pride and always wanted to be right. I have to change in this area. I have to accept that sometimes my husband is right and has a good point to the situation at hand. I have to change as well and we all still do on a daily basis when it comes to marriage. I think that it is great that you are looking at yourself as well. If you decide that you still want to work things out with hubby, let him know how these silent treatment make you feel and that it is not acceptable for him to do this to you. I have done this to my dh on other matters and he did not honestly realize how much it has hurt me. He tries hard not to repeat it and when he does he apologizes and doesn’t do it again. Is your husband a practicing Catholic? I know that weekly confessions is helping my dh so much. He also tries to go to daily Mass. My dh like yours also has medical problems. This is difficult for a man to accept especially if they are preventing him from doing his work or ability to provide for the family. My dh has parkinsons and other medical problems and is totally disabled and unable to work. This is doing a number on his manhood. I don’t know how to help, but to support him.
 
My husband did have a Dr. Jeryll and Mr. Hyde personality also until he was put on medications by his psychiatrist. The difference is amazing and I will be honest if he was not on medications, I would have to divorce him for it was living hell. I was always walking on eggshells and not knowing what will set him off in a tantrum of anger. It was horrible and I am so happy that those days are over, but many in family wanted me to divorce him. I saw something else that no one else did and that was the desire for him to change and not be this “monster” who he was. He really hated hurting me and many times just wanted to free me himself by a divorce. I know not everything can be written in this forum and it is so much more complicated. I know Jules.

All I can offer you is prayers and also tell you to try to come to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Receive him often, daily if you can, and go to a Holy Hour if you are not already. He will help you out of this confusion of whether to stay married or not. I think that is what you are confused about, if I am wrong, I am sorry just let me know. I have been there also and prayed and prayed and felt the peace of Jesus to stay married and work it out. I am glad I did for we are much happier now. We still need to work on so much and I at times am so unhappy in this marriage, but I continue to pray in the hopes that things could get even better. I still know and accept that my dh can only go so far, but he has areas that he can still do better. For some reason he can’t seem to allow Jesus in his heart. He knows the Catholic Faith inside and out, but spiritually has problems.

Hang in there and keep doing what you can and pray, as I know you are, for your husband. I too will keep him in prayers.
 
Jules,you should invite,even insist that the both of you attend mass at least once a week,or better yet every morning to pray and receive communion together. Even if he says no at first,continue to insist that he go with you,and do not let your demand drop. What neither you or him or doctors are able to mend,God will be able to mend. If he prays and receives communion with you continually,his anger and headaches will be
quelled and he will not be able to continue to be hard-hearted toward you. Do this immediately.
 
anthony022071 said:
Jules,you should invite,even insist that the both of you attend mass at least once a week,or better yet every morning to pray and receive communion together. Even if he says no at first,continue to insist that he go with you,and do not let your demand drop. What neither you or him or doctors are able to mend,God will be able to mend. If he prays and receives communion with you continually,his anger and headaches will be
quelled and he will not be able to continue to be hard-hearted toward you. Do this immediately.
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I agree for this is what has happened with my dh and when the real changes started to take affect. He did not want to go to daily Mass and would fight me on it, but I didn’t force him. He eventually went on his own. I think that receiving Jesus in Holy Communion will and is healing him and our marriage.
 
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