My daughter, the reluctant alter server

[pammie]

My daughter has been an alter server since grade 5. She will be going into 8th grade this fall. (Catholic school) We attend 12 noon Mass every week and alter servers are given scheduled times to serve, usually about 14 times per year. Last summer, she was asked to serve every weekend due to other servers not showing up for whatever reason and she became a little burned out. We asked that she be taken off the regular schedule and function as a substitute only. She continued to be reluctant to serve even in a substitute capacity as agreed. Today at Mass, there were NO alter servers that showed up and our liturgical director was able to get 1 boy from the congregation to serve. She approached my daughter asking her to serve and my daughter refused. I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper. She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[pmoo]

My daughter has been an alter server since grade 5. She will be going into 8th grade this fall. (Catholic school) We attend 12 noon Mass every week and alter servers are given scheduled times to serve, usually about 14 times per year. Last summer, she was asked to serve every weekend due to other servers not showing up for whatever reason and she became a little burned out. We asked that she be taken off the regular schedule and function as a substitute only. She continued to be reluctant to serve even in a substitute capacity as agreed. Today at Mass, there were NO alter servers that showed up and our liturgical director was able to get 1 boy from the congregation to serve. She approached my daughter asking her to serve and my daughter refused. I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper. She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I understand your disappointment in your daughter, but she is just a teen or preteen. Be grateful she seems happy and willing to go to mass as sometimes they start to pull away in their teens. I can recall being forced to do things at my church as a tradeoff. If I wanted to go out with friends, I had to go to church Sunday evening. If I wanted to use the car, I had to go an extra day for church. This did not bring me closer to God. In face, it turned me off. As a parent of a grown child and a high school teacher, I’d be careful as you don’t want her to decide to skip church rather than serve. At she enters puberty, she could be more self-conscious and just not want to be in front of everyone. There could be a host (no pun intended) of reasons. At my church, there is often only one altar server, so it isn’t the end of the world. I hope I’ve somehow helped.

 

[8640]

I wouldn’t make her, if she didn’t want to. Not all of us are called to service in the sanctuary.

 

[briang72]

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I wonder if at age 12 she realizes that the more dedication that a person shows to some service, be it alter serving or even a full-time job, the more that will be expected of her. On the other side of that coin, the less a person is willing to dedicate themselves to some service, the less the opportunities that will come. Not because the opportunites will cease to come, but the person will be less able to recoginize the opportunity and take it.

We all tire and burn out at times. I usually pray for motivation and direction when this happens. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am often amazed at the abundance of motivation and direction that follows those prayers.

I agree with you, take the opportunity to make it a bigger lesson. Has she been stuck alone in alter service before? Maybe she “needed” for someone else to feel how she felt having to do the service alone.

I would start the conversation with “Why didn’t you want to help the one alter server this morning?” Give her a chance to state her case and expand on her earlier statement of it being “too hard” to do.

 

[1ke]

I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper.

I wouldn’t have “encouraged” her, I would have required her to serve.

She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

And, if Christ had decided it was “too hard” to get up on the cross, where would we all be? I think it is a teachable moment that we do some things even when we don’t really want to because it’s the right thing to do.

I just wouldn’t have given her a choice about whether or not to serve. When asked, you serve. Period.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

No, I think you are right on target, not making too big of a deal.

 

[proudnifi]

You wrote that your daughter wasn’t enthusiastic about staying in the server role even as a substitute. Being an altar server isn’t required; at 12, she should have a say in her extra-curricular activities. Perhaps she feels trapped and this makes her less willing to help out and to feel like she’s being taken advantage of. What is she usually like?

I think it’s good to communicate your disappointment re: not helping others who need help and sticking to her commitments (as a substitute).

I admit, I’m not in a great mood right now - but why couldn’t the liturgical director help the other server? Was your daughter the only one being asked to serve twice as much as agreed to in the past (going from 14 times a year to every every Sunday)? I guess I have seen a lot of helpful people taken advantage of - they always get asked since they always say “yes” and it gets old.

 

[Corki]

I wouldn’t have “encouraged” her, I would have required her to serve.

And, if Christ had decided it was “too hard” to get up on the cross, where would we all be? I think it is a teachable moment that we do some things even when we don’t really want to because it’s the right thing to do.

I just wouldn’t have given her a choice about whether or not to serve. When asked, you serve. Period.

That’s exactly what I would have done (and have done when my boys didn’t want to be “volunteered” to serve). Life is not all about getting to make the easy choices. Just like there are chores that are expected of responsible members of the family, there are responsibilities that are expected of members of the parish family.

Also, a 12 year old should obey his/her parents, even reluctantly.

 

[jpjd]

I completely understand your situation. My 2 boys are part of the group of servers that in my own mind I call “The Reliables.” Meaning, if I see those kids names on the schedule, I know they’ll show. Any name that is not one of The Reliables, then I give a heads up to my kids in advance that they might be asked to sub when we get to Mass.

Well, it got to the point where my boys were almost dreading going to Mass because they knew they’d be tapped to sub. I told the sacristan that my boys didn’t like subbing at the last minute and he needed to draft other kids for a while.

However, if a mom calls in advance to ask if one of the boys will sub for their kid, we always agree to a swap of scheduled times, rather than an outright substitution.

I think you need to respect your daughter’s reluctance to serve. But at the same time, continue to discuss every person’s responsibility to help when needed.

Also, you might ask your priest or sacristan, or even your daughter, how the server ministry can be rejuvenated. That’s a thread in itself.

 

[rwoehmke]

A girl or a boy, Jr. High Age? Hey Ma it ain’t too cool to be serving. Not all young people feel this way, but some do. I guess if in other respects she was not “Too Cool”, I would give her a bye. Like someone said above, this is an awkward age. You need to discuss her reasons for being reluctant. They may be legitimate.

 

[Abira]

Hi,

I think there are two seperate issues really.

The first is her serving - don’t make her, in fact I would actually discourage it (kinda reverse psychology) as she may be not wanting to serve as a start of her teenage rebellion and if you press her she may rebell against religion altogether. That’s what I did for years.

It was only after my parents stopped even asking if i was attending church that I started attending again.

Also, I was sat facinga server today and she was horrible - picking her mouth, brushing her hair, picking thread out of her robe while looking at the ceiling and yawning… I thought: If you don’t wanna be there leave!! It really annoyed me (sorry still annoys me lol) She only does it as her parents want her to when people should serve because it is their own will.

The second issue is her charity towards other people, I would arrange some form of charity work for her so she can see the benefits of helping people who are worse off then she is. I think she needs to get a good feeling from doing some good deeds… but luckily I don’t have kids lol… so I’m fresh out of ideas for you.

Good luck!..she’s a teen soon, these are only the tremors of the chaos to come lol… my tremors are still echoing and I’m 24

S

 

[Abira]

ps, that’s not to imply your daughter is as disrespectful and unenthused as the server I mentioned above!!

 

[RobNY]

When religion becomes a burden, a person may start to dread it. Whether we like it or not, if altar serving becomes a burden, it will soon transfer to practicing Catholicism which becomes a burden. Fair? No. Possible? Very.

The last thing we want to do is to make someone adverse to being a good Catholic. Mass is required, yet altar serving is not.

It seems your parish has deeper problems than just needing your daughter to help out-- they need to overhaul their entire system of they never have anyone serving. The people in charge need to solve this problem.

When I was a little bit younger, altar serving seemed a bit of a burden to me, and I didn’t exactly relish going in all the time to do it. It would come to be about ten minutes before Mass and I’d want to put my head down so I couldn’t make eye contact and be called to do service.

Now it’s a bit different. I rededicated myself to the religion of my youth, and I’ve become quite a devout Catholic. When I went away to college, since it was clear that of the EMOHC, readers and altar servers, the least popular/cool position was being an altar server, and hence most needed, I volunteered to be a server.

And… for the first time in ages… I really enjoyed it.

I don’t know exactly why, but I think when I was younger it was too stressful. I didn’t exactly pay the best attention (I mean to say that my personality was of the type that my mind always tended to wander), and I’d always forget when things were supposed to be, and I was worried about messing up. But now that I’m a bit older, it’s all easy for me, and I also have enough sense to know that 99% of people won’t spot a mistake, and even if they do, it’s no big deal. Father always knows how to deal with problems on his own.

I ended up serving a lot of Masses. And even though as a high school grad I’m officially, ‘retired’ at my home parish, I will definitely fill in when needed.

So I’d say, the best course is to let her freely choose what she prefers most. Of course, it would be best to make sure she has a thorough knowledge of what the Mass is, and what the Eucharist is, both intellectual and devotional. If anything will make her eager to serve at Mass, that will be it.

But, if she doesn’t want to serve, she’s well within her right not to serve. Mass should be a joy, not a burden. (Parents sometimes push kids to do things that they wouldn’t do themselves!)

-Rob

 

[scylla]

I wouldn’t force her, because it would probably make her resent the position.

Seek ways for her to embrace her faith, being Catholic is not just going up to the altar but praying together and being faithful to God.

I am actually of the mind, the less people busy during Mass the better, it leads to a fuller participation if everyone is praying the same instead of keeping an elite group of people doing jobs during Mass. It diminishes the participation of the faithful in the pews as it implies participation is only visible.

How big is this parish? Why isn’t there a group of servers, is this a very small parish?

God Bless
Scylla

 

[Medfordknight]

Sorry, but it sounds to me that she has been an altar server to make YOU happy (at least as of late). Now that she is older, she obviously does not want to do it anymore but will not tell you because she most likely doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

 

[Abira]

Sorry, but it sounds to me that she has been an altar server to make YOU happy (at least as of late). Now that she is older, she obviously does not want to do it anymore but will not tell you because she most likely doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

if this is true then she is maybe masking her respect for your wishes as her parent behind her apparent disregard for other peoples feelings ie. when she would not help that boy.

you’ll have to talk to her.

 

[Pug]

I don’t have kids, but I would like to share some thoughts. We are short of EMHC in our parish. So it comes about that the priest nods his head to you and you come up to fill in. I’m not trying to bring up EMHCs, just I’m trying to say that I know what it is like to have to serve repeatedly because the folks who are scheduled just don’t show. After doing it every Sunday for a very long time, you can start to feel tired in this type of service. Part of it is that I am incapable of ever feeling invisible up there, and I enjoy to have communion time just being aware of Jesus and not being visible. As a child, I don’t think I would have been able to express this to an adult (I still can’t get the words to mean exactly what I wish to say). I would have just refused or expressed resentment as a child.

If it were me, I’d be sure my daughter had some guaranteed time to herself at mass for awhile. I don’t know enough about kids to comment extensively on the being forced by the parents to do various types of service and charity. I am the result of growing up being made to do many things, and I have some mixed feelings about it. Overall, I think it is good. But it created some resentments, especially when I felt that I was not allowed choose **which **way of helping others was the best way for me. Overall, I tend towards letting her choose not to be an altar server.

 

[scylla]

To add something, I have a question for you.

Do you pray a nightly rosary with her? If you do, great, don’t worry about the altar server thing at all.

If you don’t maybe she needs a little more prayer in her life and having a good prayer life is much more important than serving at the altar.

In Christ
Scylla

 

[palmas85]

My daughter has been an alter server since grade 5. She will be going into 8th grade this fall. (Catholic school) We attend 12 noon Mass every week and alter servers are given scheduled times to serve, usually about 14 times per year. Last summer, she was asked to serve every weekend due to other servers not showing up for whatever reason and she became a little burned out. We asked that she be taken off the regular schedule and function as a substitute only. She continued to be reluctant to serve even in a substitute capacity as agreed. Today at Mass, there were NO alter servers that showed up and our liturgical director was able to get 1 boy from the congregation to serve. She approached my daughter asking her to serve and my daughter refused. I encouraged her to do it since there was only 1 poor kid available and they need more than 1 helper. She refused saying it was too hard to serve with just 2 servers ( meaning herself and the other server ) so rather than helping everyone out–she refused and the poor boy did it alone.

I am very disappointed in my daughter that she did not step up to the plate and help out with serving. I told her I was disappointed and we need to help out our fellow parishioners, our church, when there is a need. It’s a small thing but has greater meaning than just serving Mass this one time. It’s about knowing when someone needs help and helping–even though you might not feel like it at the moment. I am upset, that at the age of 12, my daughter does not get it. I feel this is an opportunity for me to teach a much bigger lesson to my daughter beyond not going up to the alter today.

I know I’m feeling disappointment that may be preventing me from any kind of objectivity right now. Am I making too big of a deal about the whole thing? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

You have got to be kidding right? 14 times a year she serves and she is burned out or wore out or whatever? And there is too much to do with just one server these days? Yeah Right. I’ve watched altar servers all my life. They are not terribly overworked these days.

Look, I am going to be real blunt with you and having served for years and years AND a whole lot more than 14 times a year, I can be pretty sure of one thing. Your daughter is not tired, wore out overworked.

**She just doesn’t want to be part of it anymore **for whatever reason. And that is fine.

Let it go. You cannot force this on anyone. If she doesn’t want it she doesn’t want it. Its not for everyone and never has been. It takes a lot to want to serve, a lot more than a lot of people have or care to give. I remember serving 6:00am Mass several times a week plus at least one Mass on Sundays for several years. If you don’t really want it its can get old very very quickly. You start to lose sight of what you are doing and what it means. When that happens you have to make a decision, stay or go.

Respect her and let her make her own decision.

 

[pammie]

Thank You for your thought provoking responses.

My disappointment with my daughter had less to do with alter serving and more to do with the situation at hand–refusing to help out when help was needed. Her alter server ministry was hers alone and she was free to have whatever role she wanted–thus choosing to be a substitute (yet not fulfilling that role either) I feel, even at a tender age, one must live up to their responsibilities. I would be remiss as a parent if I did not teach this lesson. I also feel, as a Catholic, that we must help others in need (even in this alter serving scenario). There are times when we might not feel like it or we are too tired or inconvenienced–we should still try our best to help, to serve. This is the most important lesson for my daughter, IMHO.

Yesterday after Mass, I asked my daughter to email our liturgical director and apologize for not fulfilling her substitute role as agreed. I then asked my daughter to decide her future role as a server so that we would all know and she officially resigned. It’s now holy water under the bridge!

 

[chicago]

If you were concerned about stepping up to the plate to help out someone in need, you could have always led by example and offerred to serve yourself. Even if you had other kids to watch after, your daughter could have been handed that responsibility.