My disillusioned marriage (UPDATE)

[Augusta_Sans]

she found it inappropriate that you held hands in church ???!!!

Yeah, I was the sultry little vixen that crept into his life and made him do crazy immoral things like hold hands with me during mass, which we attended together weekly. HARLOT!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Wow, what a tough story. I admire your sincere repentence for the things you’ve done in the past that you know were sinful and wrong. Another poster touched on this, but got no comments, so I don’t know if you noticed.

Do you recognize why premarital sex is wrong in the first place? Many seem to presume it is just an activity on an arbitrary list of things christians aren’t allowed to do. NOT TRUE!!! Sins are sins because they DAMAGE you! Sins, by definition, damage our ability to give and receive love. Sound familiar? From your post, it sounds like you are sincerely repentent for your sexual sins and presumably you’ve been to confession to be forgiven for them. That’s a great start and gives you the grace to begin healing. But it isn’t an instant magic wand. Sex isn’t just pleasureable, its a binding of two people. You left a little of yourself with those guys and THEY left a little of themselves with you. That’s a problem because it DOES interfere with your ability to have a healthy sexual relationship with a good husband.

But let me be even more blunt. You will NEVER be truly happy if you go off and find the kind of guy that turns you on right now. He will always be a loser in the end that brings you far more pain than pleasure. You have to focus on getting healed of your self-inflicted wounds. Only then will you be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with a decent man. Until you get your soul healed, you won’t be able to have that with either your husband or ANY decent man. God have mercy on him, he’s a patient and forgiving man. Don’t waste any time, there comes a place where he will have to conclude that you don’t have any intention of overcoming your problems and that those problems were a defect that prevented you from giving valid consent in the first place.

Holy cow, this is probably one of thee BEST posts I have read on these forums in ages…I especially find fascinating, your reference to sin tainting us in the department of giving and receiving love…that is a line worth stealing, hope you don’t mind.

 

[FrenchGwen]

(in fact, there are pages that I will have my children read when we do the “sex talk.”)

That’s great I must be stupid… I hadn’t thought that, even if a whole book may not be fitted to a certain age, I still can do copies of some page and give them to read… . Well, let’s hope I’ll remember that when I have children of my own to have a sex talk to !

 

[FrenchGwen]

Yeah, I was the sultry little vixen that crept into his life and made him do crazy immoral things like hold hands with me during mass, which we attended together weekly. HARLOT!!!

Heavens !!!

I’m with whatevergirl on the “complimenting manualman” thing, there : the “sins damage your ability to give and receive love” is… just …

 

[Augusta_Sans]

I do think manualman accurately summed up what I’ve suspected over the past few years, and learned while reading Holy Sex! I cried when I read the portion about the hormones the body releases during your first sexual encounters to make you “addicted” to that person. I reflect back on that time in my life, and it is true. I am SO ANGRY that I wasted my own personal “love potion” on someone other than my husband.

I did a little more research, and discovered that there are rodents who are more faithful to their mates. How depressing that there are rodents with a better monogamy track record than many human relationships?

 

[Rita_De_C]

Augusta,
I wonder if sharing a little of my story may help you. As you know, I do have similar problems as you, and sometimes I feel like my situation is hopeless, but I have been married 20 years and I haven’t been miserable the whole time, but when I am low, I feel pretty low. From your post, I think you are the kind of person with good instincts that have probably served you well for the most part. You have learned to trust them, and listen to them as a guide. Normally, that would be okay, but maybe when it comes to love, your feelings are coming from your thoughts about what love should be (ideally) and what it has been like for you in the past. Now, you use those feelings as a measuring stick to measure how your Andy measures up. Perhaps I am wrong, but yesterday I discovered this is exactly what I had been doing yesterday in my mind, and what was causing me to feel so hopeless. I also have a mental habit of concentrating on what is not beautiful about him, and I discovered that I had subtly let these thoughts ferment. When I do this, I eventually come to the conclusion that my husband doesn’t measure up the same way. Never has, and you know what, maybe he never will. But, if love isn’t a feeling, but a choice, I can do things that I know are loving. For me, telling my husband that I don’t have feelings for him doesn’t help him feel loved. I need to stay away from him when I feel like this until I can get my attitude adjusted. I know that you may think that this is fake, that I am manufacturing my feelings, and that I shouldn’t have to work at it. Perhaps you are right, but it does seem to work for me. Here is the thing. I want to be a good wife, and I want to follow God. My husband is a fine man, this I know. Also,
so maybe I didn’t build my marraige on the greatest foundation in the first place, but does it really matter? What if I had had crazy love and sexual feelings for him that faded after the wedding? Would the passion that I felt in the past be enough to carry me through all the doubts? I have had friends who had all that passion and assurance only later come to say that it was just infactuation. Either way, with the passion or without it, at some point, I would have to wake up one morning and find myself wondering why I got married, and then learning how to love. So, last night I just thought I would just be nice and have fun with my husband last night. I was scared to death, but I just thought that I need to let God love me, and forgive myself for whatever bad things I think I had done, and believe that God is big enough for this. After all, he created me, He can do miracles, so I’ll just relax and try to let God love me. Well, it turned out that I had a great evening with my husband, and that night I felt like giving sex a try, so we did and it was fantastic! Maybe not technically, but I felt so connected to him. It was some of the best sex I had had in all my married life. So, I could say more, but this post is pretty long so I will leave it at that.

 

[whatevergirl]

I do think manualman accurately summed up what I’ve suspected over the past few years, and learned while reading Holy Sex! I cried when I read the portion about the hormones the body releases during your first sexual encounters to make you “addicted” to that person. I reflect back on that time in my life, and it is true. I am SO ANGRY that I wasted my own personal “love potion” on someone other than my husband.

I did a little more research, and discovered that there are rodents who are more faithful to their mates. How depressing that there are rodents with a better monogamy track record than many human relationships?

*Augusta, that’s so neat how you are growing…I’m reading this and just love how things are getting better for you, personally. The more we know, the more open we are to the Holy Spirit–the more we can shower that love upon others.

About the rodents…so that sort of tosses that adage out the window…when a man cheats…’‘that dirty rat.’’ All this time, rats getting a bad rap. :tsktsk: LOL!

:ehh:

It’s Friday, I’m sorry…I have had a so-so week, I need to add some levity where I can.

Take care and please keep up your great work! We are at war everyday, spiritually…but stand firm, and remain strong in God. He’ll see you through!*

 

[Augusta_Sans]

For me, telling my husband that I don’t have feelings for him doesn’t help him feel loved … It was some of the best sex I had had in all my married life. So, I could say more, but this post is pretty long so I will leave it at that.

I isolated the two key parts of your message.

(1) I am a bit conflicted here. People encourage me to act lovingly. People encourage me to be honest. I’m confused about what I should be doing.

(2) WOOHOO!!! I am SO happy to hear your success story. I bet your husband felt like a million bucks.

whatevergirl, rats are still despicable creates. Prairie voles, however, commit for life. (In fact, they spend half of their time cuddling and playing with their mate. 70% of the prairie voles who lose a mate never mate again.)

 

[Rita_De_C]

All I am saying is that always talking about feelings can be a bit problem focused. It can create a lot of negative energy that keeps you from enjoying the time together. If you feel bad, it can cause you to sit and search why you feel bad or uneasy, so you focus on the problem and try to find a solution. Our feelings can be like peeling an onion. You get rid of one layer only to find another. Where does it all end? Is there some point when you just say “enough already”?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Your response reminded me of this book, which my mother recommended to me a few years ago:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

(No, I never did read it.)

 

[Rita_De_C]

Why not?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Why not?

At that time, I was convinced marriage was hopeless and had thrown in the towel. I think I will dig up the book and read it now.

 

[GoBison]

Here are some other books that might help you

Sex Starved Marriage

Change your life and Everyone in it

They are both about solution based methods of resolving conflict and other problems instead of problem based.

 

[Rita_De_C]

I just checked out the reviews over on Amazon. It may be an okay book to read. I think you have pretty good critical thinking skills and can gather a nugget or two from it, even if it isn’t necessarily a Catholic Book. A book I read by a christian author, not catholic, is also good. It is called The Marraige Builder by Larry Crabb. I don’t know. It seemed to help me to figure out what needs I was trying to get filled by my marraige.

 

[GoBison]

Here are a coulpe others that you have probably read as they are fairly popular but with all the traffic on this thread maybe it will be good for someone else.

Five Languages of Love

His Needs Her Needs

I think that you and your husband are moving in the right direction it will just take time to get to were you want to be. Don’t rush things and you will be fine.

Go Gophers

 

[DrPiano]

Hey Augusta - I’m guessing my post got lost in the midst of things. I wondered if you’ve had a chance to give your definition of love some thought?

Hey Augusta,

I’ve been following your threads and praying for you both (and working my way through Holy Sex myself). I had one question and a few seconds on suggestions for you.

It seems like there’s some debate over whether you love your husband, and I think it centers on the definition of love. I think you might have a very different definition of love than some people here do (and to me it sounds more like you equate love with sexual desire). So… maybe you could help clear this up. How do you define love, particularly in this context? How are others defining it?

…]

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Go Gophers

Blasphemy! (Well, sort of. I’m actually a Gopher grad student, and a Sioux undergrad student, so I have a bit of an identity crisis around this time every year.)

 

[manualman]

Whoops, hope I didn’t give the impression that the idea that that insightful definition for sin was MY idea! I must have read it some place because I’m not anywhere close to that smart.

Another great idea that isn’t mine is using the Facts/Faith/Feelings train to guid your decisions in life. First you gather the facts, next you consult the faith for guidance, THEN check your conclusions with your gut/feelings. If something doesn’t seem right, by all means start over with the process. But this is VERY different than having feelings be the ENGINE of the train. Feelings are supposed to be the caboose! Facts and Faith come first.

Your humility in getting help is truly impressive. I’m not nearly as honest about my flaws in public! God bless.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Hey Augusta - I’m guessing my post got lost in the midst of things. I wondered if you’ve had a chance to give your definition of love some thought?

I have two definitions of love. I think my biggest problem is I was putting them in the wrong order before. I am hopeful that if I keep doing (1), (2) will follow. (And I’ll admit I’m not a very patient person!)

1. love: to show affection for (something you choose to do)
Treating someone with kindness, respect, patience, acceptance, etc.

2. love: to feel affection for (a spontaneous feeling)
Romantic attraction.

Your humility in getting help is truly impressive. I’m not nearly as honest about my flaws in public! God bless.

Thank you.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I dated someone else and felt that I was in love with him. Our dates were exciting, filled with flirtation and anticipation. The sex was incredible.

I read this thread yesterday and did not post. I thought I would just keep my opinion to myself for awhile. Well, after sleeping on it, I decided to post. I am the ‘uncharitable’ one who thought Augusta was ‘torturing’ her husband. In fact, I am probably the one who caused her to pick up her thread and leave. Augusta, you need thicker skin. If you are asking for opinions you need to prepare yourself for the ones you won’t like.

While I always find myself in agreement with whatevergirl and liberanosamarano I do not in this case.

I have two questions

Does your husband know that you engaged in sex with someone else?

Have you been tested for STD’s? If not, please do so before following everyone’s advice to bed your husband.