My Fiance does not want to convert despite wanting marriage

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LizM

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Hello everyone! This is my first forum post and I really would really like advice and prayers for me and those in similar situations.

I have been going out with a man that loves me dearly and I him. He proposed to me earlier this summer and I accepted (he attempted many times before). He and I really want to start a family after college and believe in the same concepts when it comes to disciplining children, caring for them, etc. However, his spiritual life is lacking and abhors the idea of church. He feels like all his life he’s been forced into something he doesn’t belong in by his parents, but asked to go to church with me when we first started dating, which honestly surprised me!! He agreed to sign up for RCIA (and we got engaged around the same time), and at first I was cautious and asked him if he really wanted to go through with it. He said yes and kept saying yes until up to the point of actually doing it. Then he expressed hesitation and felt like he needed to do it because of my father’s preference that I marry a Catholic man (not a bad idea!). We went to a few meetings and stopped after a while because every time it seemed to spark a fight, and guilt and shame on my part. He claims he fears that his parents and family may oust him or treat him badly if he converts (he is currently Methodist), but yet he tells me he doesn’t care for church so much and hates going with them! Many times recently I have asked him to go to church with me and he says he’d rather not, which leaves me in tears… in church. Before our engagement he seemed like he really liked going to church with me. I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to respect my religion because it’s very important to me and besides, he was the first to ask to go to church with me. The recent change that I’ve made is I told him I will refuse to see him on Sunday unless he comes out to my house and takes me to church, and I’ve even suggested that we take a step back and not be engaged but still dating because of the fights about this subject. He refuses to do that, still saying that I am the only woman he will marry. Am I taking a step in the right direction by doing these things??? If not, what should I do? I don’t want to marry him just to feel spiritually and emotionally hurt inside for the rest of my life, I already hurt so much now because of this…
 
You have a decision to make:
  1. accept him just the way his is, a non religious Methodist who sometimes comes to church with you. And by accept I mean accept that this is who you are marrying and who he will always be. Do not marry him hoping or believing he will be anyone other than who he is. Don’t marry the man you want him to be, marry the man he is.
Or
  1. Move on and find someone who shares the Catholic faith with you and wants to be as devoted to and active in the Church as you, raise Catholic children, go to mass, live the faith.
Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker.
 
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LizM said:
I don’t want to marry him just to feel spiritually and emotionally hurt inside for the rest of my life,
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We all have/had deal breakers when we are/were discerning who to marry. If this is something you can’t live with for the rest of your life, then I would walk away while you still can. Pray about it but be true to yourself.
 
LizM said:
He claims he fears that his parents and family may oust him or treat him badly if he converts
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This makes me wonder if there might be some level of immaturity. Marriage is leaving your parents and perhaps their expectations and joining with your spouse.

I echo 1ke’s comment about not marrying the many you want him to be, or thinking he will change. Any change must be his own decision.

Prayers for the both of you.
 
LizM said:
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To receive the sacramental grace of marriage fruitfully, such that both are individually helped by it, both must be properly disposed.

Catechism
1622 "Inasmuch as it is a sacramental action of sanctification, the liturgical celebration of marriage . . . must be, per se, valid, worthy, and fruitful."123 It is therefore appropriate for the bride and groom to prepare themselves for the celebration of their marriage by receiving the sacrament of penance.
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Some things to consider.
  1. Its worrisome that he has that attitude. He, as a non catholic, would agree to let his children be raised Catholic. That means fulfilling the obligation on sundays. Which he thinks is wrong to force them to do but is your responsibility as their mother.
  2. The Catholic married sex life is hard if not downright impossible with a non Catholic spouse. That means no artificial birth control and he should finish in the proper place.
  3. In married life the hardest times involve the Church and God. From children, to sex, to end if life issues, to attendance at Mass. For that you should have a partner, not a person who begrudgingly allows some of it.
  4. Your job, in marriage is to get your spouse and kids to heaven. And that’s their job as well. That’s hard when the person who is charged with helping you to heaven doesn’t think getting there involves your faith.
    5 your faith should be YOUR greatest quality of being. And it would be detrimental to your faith and marriage to have someone who does not agree with the part of you that matters the most.
 
A man who leaves you in tears in church, who changed his mind about RCIA, who argues with you about your faith, and is more concerned about what his parents think than you.
I think you’ve answered yourself. At a minimum you have some praying to do.
 
I wish your fiance would become Catholic too but trying to force him to go to Church by threatening to not see him on Sunday unless he takes you to church is wrong. It’s controlling. You can’t manipulate someone to go to Mass. God does not even force people to go to Mass. He is not your child.

You gotta accept him how he is or not marry him. You can’t force him to convert.
 
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Forcing a conversion is a bad idea. I have no idea the physical or psychological power the OP has but I doubt force is the issue here. God does say that to have a full relationship with Him you need to be in communion with Him. And I wouldn’t think the OP deserves less in her relationship with him.
 
It is controlling and wrong to try to manipulate someone to go to church. The guy is not her child. She can go to Mass without him. Being in communion with God does not depend on her fiance being there. If he does not want to be Catholic what can she do but pray or accept it or move on? Maybe she is not forcing him but she is being controlling to a small degree and it sure looks like she is at least trying to force him whether or not it is possible.
 
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There is no force involved!
Lol.
God requires Catholics to attend Mass, he doesn’t force it. But there are indeed consequences with your relationship if you choose yourself over him. And as Catholics our marriage mirrors Christ and His Church as st Paul often points out. And as a parent one has an obligation to take children if age to Mass. That’s not forcing. Its obeying
 
The fiance is not Catholic, he is Methodist. I know you would acknowledge that there is a difference in religious obligation between a Catholic and Methodist. I never mentioned anything about a Catholics obligation to attend Mass. But yes, we are obligated as Catholics to go to Mass. Methodists are not. So unless the op is saying she wont see her fiance on Sunday unless he takes her to Mass but that he does not have to attend with her, then she is trying to manipulate him to go to Mass. Or “Force” And he is not her kid so she should not do that, everything else aside.
 
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Aren’t his parents forcing him to go to church too? He may not be ready for the maturity ic marriage.
 
Full disclosure, I was no where near mature enough to get married. Are any of us?
 
I wake up very early just to see him everyday before I go to work or so we can get ready for school (this semester we had the same morning class together), the only thing that I want from him is to take me to church once a week at the least to get up in the morning for me, not attacking, just something I should’ve mentioned in the post, but thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, I do appreciate different viewpoints because it helps me to see something I might’ve not before
 
Thank you to everyone who has responded so quickly, I didn’t realize my original post would be answered so quick! 😄 I’m super grateful for all the advice you guys have provided so far and gives me a better perspective of everything
 
Congrats to getting married soon! May God bless your soon to be marriage with many years of happiness 😄
 
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