You are absolutely right. But with love and time and prayer, it is quite possible he may make some progress.
\I agree with wcnight. From my current relationship, I can ascertain that men do not respond well to threats. And dangling sex above one’s head is also counterproductive. Marriage shouldn’t be conditional, it’s about give and take.
Hiding computer screens and locking him out of his home were probably not the best approaches. Doing this will only make his will stronger. He has to prove to you that he can still do what he wants. He has to kick this habit on his own. It’s like forcing someone to quit drinking or smoking, can’t be done. They have to make up their mind to stop.
When I caught my boyfriend with his porn for the 4th time, I cried my eyes out and told him it made me feel rejected and ugly,then he finally understood how much it hurt me. He went to his closet and broke the tapes and threw away the magazines. The first time I caught him, I responded with threats and talked condescendingly to him, obviously it didn’t help.
Avoid phrases that contain “you.” Instead of telling him “You are sinning against God, I can’t believe you did this to me, You need to get rid of this…” Try “This really hurts me because, and I care about your soul because…” Tell him how YOU feel.
I also don’t blame you for not having sex with him. I would explain to him that you are with holding relations because it hurts you to be with him when he may be thinking about someone else. Avoid saying things like “I’m not going to have sex until you get rid of the porn.” Again, that sounds threatening.
I am not trying to make you look like the “bad guy.” I hate pornography. I hate what it does to people. And I am especially sympathetic toward your efforts to make it go away. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It’s not your fault he looks at porn either, so please don’t get that impression. I understand your pain and distrust for him. I sincerely hope you weather this storm, and if you do, your marriage will be a lot stronger because of it.
If withholding sex is not an available option, I simply cannot fathom why suspending the conjugal relationship presented as a valid recourse for several offenses against the sacrament of marriage.
That section of canon law does not read as allowing separation as legitimate only when a spouse has made the common life unduly difficult and presenting a danger to body or soul. It is “or’s” all the way through.
Can you further expound upon how this information applies to the OP’s situation? Thanks.
Because it ain’t the same thing. If you say it is, then:
Since the OP has said there is no danger in delay, she must seek the permission of the local Ordinary.
Using sex as a weapon or a tool is a good way to destroy a marriage. The Church does not condone it.
Piling one nasty act on top of another is like trying to have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
None of this justifies separation at all, let alone dispensing with the local Ordinary.
And your justification for saying that is?
“Intolerable” must be judged by the local Ordinary.
If she wants to destroy her marriage, yes. She can do that. But she must bear the responsibility for her part of the disaster.
She needs to play catch-up and get this relation back to where it was when they took their vows. What she needs to do is based on feedback, not on “arguments from engineering data.”
It applies, (in my personal opinion) inasmuch as what we see going on in the RC colleges and what we see written in the novels of Father Greeley, contribute (although perhaps indirectly) to the problems which are being described here today.
I wonder if a women was doing this, and her husband the victim, would you be saying the same thing? Nah. It smacks of a “get rid of him he’s not meeting your needs” women centric attitude.
a while back, i posted about how my husband views pornography, and how we fight all the time. a month later, and things are still not better.
i am so disgusted by this, that i cannot become intimate with him. we have had sex less than 5 times since we have been married. it didnt take but a week to find the DVD porn, and after that i have been so extremely turned off. i cannot have sex with a man who looks at pornography to fullfill desires that dont start with me. i cannot have sex with a man who i know is committing such a terrible sin.
he bothers me about sex. he asks to have sex, i say not until he cleans up his habits, and he says “OK, ill just go take care of it myself”. he knows i am sexually frustrated, yet cannot fulfill my sexual desires alone like he does.
i actually hid his computer monitor in the basement, so he went out and spent 6000$ on a new computer from an internet reseller. not that 6000$ is a deadly blow for HIM, since he makes quite alot of money that i dont have access to.
i called the credit card company to cancel the card, and transaction, but they said since i had not been added jointly to the account after we were married, i had no authority to do so. HOW CAN I BE MARRIED TO HIM AND NOT HAVE ANY SAY OVER OUR MONEY? the bank wont add me to his account *, until they get HIS consent. i cannot stop him from spending money on things that i dont feel are necessary. the banks and the card companies say that they just cant add even a WIFE to an account without consent of the original holder.
i asked him to please take care of this. his response: “not until we start having sex”. thats about how everything goes. it looks like i am going to have to bribe him to do things with sex. if i am out of money for the week and i ask for some, you guessed it: “only if you have sex with me”. does he think i am a prostitute?
i think we are at a deadlock. he says he can watch whatever he wants in his house. i am practicing “tough love”, to which he continues the porn habit to fulfill the lack of sex. i wont give in because i know i am right about church teachings, so he wont give in and uses other things to try to make me.
i cried my eyes out to my priest, who told me that anullment like some of you had suggested is not an option. he said i am called to follow church teachings, and be the “city on the hill”. how i do that is up to me he said.
i am the city on the hill i guess, but my husband is the town on the lake 10,000 miles away. i just cant get him to do anything without him saying “Not until…”
i just cant see having sex with a man, and the possibility of becoming pregnant and bringing a child into this home until we are ready. how can i want to have sex if i feel we are not ready for children? not until he has stopped this terrible habit. i just cant take the chance a baby will be brought up here with him acting the way he is.*
On behalf of my gender I apologise
Excuse me. But do you have any advice for the original poster, or are you just picking random posts to critisize? And you’ll have to enlighten us what a “woman centric attitude” is, because I am VERY interested in hearing that.
A totally unfair statement. He is the problem, she is only reacting to her husband’s addictive and lewd and pathological behavior, however non-constructive. Personally, if the computer is the access and entry point for pornography into my house for my porn addicted spouse, I would expect safeguards put into place to prevent this; even to the point that this modern technology would find its way out to the curb side. Why should any Catholic spouse have to tolerate the darkness of pornography in to the haven of their home? If the only safeguard measure means severing the connection to the entry point, then do it, whether this means no brown wrapping magazine deliveries or internet access.
He can change himself IF he is so inclined. In the current climate that is not likely and less likely if the air is still confrontational. Yes I too recommend prayer, but part of that prayer has to be toward changing how she deals with the problems.
The only person with whom we are in contact is the wife. We can’t MAKE the husband change – nor do we know any more about him than a few paragraphs on the internet.
Amen!
