My gay friend is putting himself in danger with random hookups

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He’s scaring me these days, he used to be catholic and we met at church but he left the church because he no longer believes in God and doesn’t want to live a chaste life. I haven’t said anything because I want to remain close to him and I know very well he’s not afraid to cut friends off and is a bit cold-hearted. He doesn’t even talk to his father anymore because he told him that it’s a sin and tried to get him to speak to a priest. However, I don’t think I can hold my silence anymore because he’s only 18 but now that we’re away from our parents he’s starting to have sex with men in their 30’s who he doesn’t even know. Even aside from the fact that he’s putting his soul in danger, I’m worried he might get hurt especially because he always talks about how he likes being abused and handled roughly in bed.
 
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You should pray for your friend, but there isn’t much else you can or should do. It doesn’t sound like your friend wants any advice or counsel. He is going to do what he wants to do.
 
skz said:
I haven’t said anything because I want to remain close to him and I know very well he’s not afraid to cut friends off and is a bit cold-hearted.
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So… not to sound too harsh but, why do you want someone like this in your life?

I get that he’s your friend, but you shouldn’t feel the need to walk on eggshells and avoid difficult topics with people who are supposed to be your friends.

I have a similar story, a friend I’d had through school who came out as gay in highschool. We’re still friends, we still talk regularly online. He’s aware of my positions but he doesn’t hold them against me. I pray for him, and I’ve talked to him about the random hookup culture before, but in the end it didn’t do much and so I don’t bring it up. I have a coworker in a similar situation, except he’s the older man now. He spends weekends partying and living a crazy life even though he admits that it makes him feel awful and he doesn’t like it. I asked him why he keeps at it and he just said that that’s just kind of what the lifestyle entails. It was a civil conversation, we’re still friends, he listened to me and I listened to him, we were both adults about it. The problem with these situations is just that, in 9/10 cases, pointing out the problems isn’t going to fix anything because people don’t want to give up on what they thing is a core aspect of their being.

However, not wanting to give up on it and being harsh enough to cut a friend out of your life simply for disagreeing with what you’re doing, are two very different things. What’s really going on here is probably that your friends conscience is making him acutely aware that what he’s doing is wrong, and he wants to silence that conscience however he can. That means that he has to cut out anyone and anything that makes him stop for a second and listen to the little voice telling him to stop. You see this same behavior in lots of people who’ve rejected something they used to hold in great importance. Pro-lifers who had an abortion and became radically pro-choice, ex-Catholics who spend all their time badmouthing the Church, divorced spouses, it all stems from the same cognitive dissonance that takes place when you act against a deeply-held principle.

Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do for people in that situation except pray for them and hope they hit rock bottom before it’s too late, because rock bottom is the only place where the voice will be able to reach them… I’ve personally known a couple of men who reached rock bottom, I met them in my recovery group, and they thank God for it because it was the catalyst to start the healing process.
 
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Show him the story of Kevin Bacon (not the actor, the murder victim) and tell him you care about him too much to let something like that happen to him without you trying to talk him out of it.
 
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It sounds like he has some issues.
  1. keep yourself safe. If he starts hanging out with people who use him don’t be around when they are.
  2. if you can’t convince him with the Church, go to the CDC and start looking up the problems with risky sex. This isn’t a gay/straight thing it’s a ‘random hook ups in an era of nearly pandemic STD’s is very risky’.
  3. pray and fast for him.
It may be that over time he comes to his senses. It may not be in the cards. But maybe he will listen.
 
We’ve been friends for a very long time and I love him. I think the cold-heartedness is just a facade because I know for a fact he is really sweet and only got like this a few years ago. He’s also very depressed and unwell mentally so it’s easy to agitate him.

I was surprised when his dad called him on his birthday and he didn’t even answer which is how I got to know they’re not even talking anymore. He says it’s because he can’t change his sexuality and thinks it’s homophobic to call being gay a sin. I can’t say anything about that because if he can treat his own father like that it lets me know he wouldn’t be afraid to do it to me, and I don’t want to lose him.
 
I realize many on CAF won’t agree with this, but since he is turned off to the Church and its moral teachings on sexuality anyway, at least maybe you might encourage him to see gay boys of his own age and get to know them a little rather than just having sex right away. He may have an attraction for older men and, being 18, just interested in sexual encounters; but perhaps you might talk to him about attempting to form a relationship with other boys who have more in common with him than men in their thirties. This way, he can see you are not putting him down for his sexual interests, but you are concerned with his physical and emotional welfare, both in the present and down the road.
 
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Ask him if he knows the danger. However, some - some I said - with SSA are profoundly unhappy with life and do not care if they die.
Having asked him, pray.
A lot.
 
I’ll try that he had crushes on many boys only a little older than him but only likes sleeping with much older men, I don’t get it.
 
He talks about wanting to die all the time, and makes jokes even about suicide even though they make everyone uncomfortable so this just makes me more worried.
 
Our Blessed Mother asked at Fatima for prayers for the conversion of sinners. If you are unable to do 5 decades of the rosary every day, you could do your morning offering and offer up all your joys and struggles of the day for one of the rosary mysteries. This way you will be united with all the prayers around the world. Place your friend at your mother’s feet every morning and tell her that he needs her help.

I have been known to throw around holy water or change out the salt in their salt shakers with blessed salt while the person was in the bathroom. Not in a way that was superstitious but to ask that God be in this place because I’m there just a short time and can’t be there every day.
 
If things get worse than they already are (and I hope they don’t) you might end up wishing you had cut contact. I’m not saying that just because he’s a homosexual either.

If he doesn’t want any help, all you can do is pray.
 
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I should have also said that I admire your efforts and I know what this is like for you. I’m sorry your going through this with someone you care about.
 
He’s on mood stabilisers, and antidepressants Idk whether or not he still does therapy or counselling or he just takes the meds.
 
For most, hooking up is part of the lifestyle - especially when it’s a young 18 year old and the older guys are excited to have someone who just ‘came of age’ legally to hook up with. I doubt there is anything you can say right now that will sink in. A few “hey, text me while you’re out to let me know you’re ok” or “I worry about you…” is about all you can do. And then pray, pray, pray for him.

He may or may not change his ways but he doesn’t sound like he’s going to be open to any communication about it right now. Having said that… what are you getting out of this friendship that you want to stay close for???
 
I get happiness from it I guess. He’s a good friend and I care about him a lot so don’t misunderstand him.
 
Probably a lot more than just counseling. And a good counselor. There are many gay counselors out there ironically
 
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