My husband called my daughter a jacka**

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constantconvert

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Please pray for my family. Here’s the story. My teenage daughter is being very difficult, though she’s still basically a good kid-- good grades, lives morally for the most part, though she can be disrespectful and angry. Anyway, my husband is supposed to clean the kitchen on Fri and Sat nights after dinner, and he does not do it. (He and I are supposed to clean 2 nights a week, and our 3 kids one night a week.) I got tired of doing it so I gave my older two kids an extra night each. My daughter balked at that, and told my husband he was immature, and he called her a jacka**. She should not have said that, and I told her to show respect. I was very upset with him, though I did not show it, I just calmly told him that he was never to call our kids names (he has called me names, and he has quite a temper.) Could name calling be considered abusive? What should I do if it happens again?
 
Your daughter shouldn’t have said that, no. But she is a teenager, he is (presumably) an adult. He was way out of line.

And yes, calling a child names is abusive, and if he makes a habit of it he could find CPS involved, as my stepfather almost did.
 
My father has called me much worse. It definitely upset me a lot, but I got over it. 🤷 I think it’s nice that you’re not taking it lightly, but if your husband is anything like my dad, he just has a bad temper and low tolerance for kids that say something he doesn’t wanna hear.
But I don’t think that makes it alright.

My dad and I are okay now, and I’ll always love him. We have out moments, but so does everyone…
 
Jesus rode one into Jerusalem, so it’s a compliment, really.
 
I do not think it is a big deal. She was acting like one. Of course, maybe he was also. Only you know if this is a matter of greater concern and I hope you are not in an abusive situation. If this were a slip of the tongue I would not worry. My advice is to use your judgement based on past actions and interactions with your husband.
 
This is nothing! I was a ship’s captain in the Navy. During a visit to my ship, my father called me a bum and said I should have a job where I was home with my family every night. When, in shock I asked what? He replied again that I was a bum because sailors are nothing but international hoboes!
 
I hate to hear this. My Dad was very verbally abusive. My Mom always took up for him saying that he didn’t really mean it. About 6 months before he died he was being his usual hateful self. She said that for the 1st time she saw him threw my eyes and she would never feel the same about him again. If this was a one time thing, great, maybe it won’t happen again. If this is his normal reaction maybe you could explain to him the damage he may be doing to her. It may not be too late for them to have a good relationship.
 
As someone who grew up with a father who was notorious for calling all of us children bad names, I would say that yes, calling names can sometimes be considered abusive. The name he called your daughter was derogatory, so how could he have meant it any other way, especially if he has a temper and was probably angry when he said it?

Talk to him about the repercussions of how it could affect your children if he thinks it’s appropriate to speak to them like that. Yes, your daughter was disrespectful but teenagers have a tendency to be that way from time to time, but your husband is an adult. He should have known better. You and your family are in my prayers!
 
ABEACHGIRL said:
I do not think it is a big deal. She was acting like one.
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Hmmm… sorry, that doesn’t make it okay! She’s a teenager, he’s an adult. How sad it is when people think it’s not a big deal to call our children hurtful names! 😦
 
constantconvert said:
Please pray for my family. Here’s the story. My teenage daughter is being very difficult, though she’s still basically a good kid-- good grades, lives morally for the most part, though she can be disrespectful and angry. Anyway, my husband is supposed to clean the kitchen on Fri and Sat nights after dinner, and he does not do it. (He and I are supposed to clean 2 nights a week, and our 3 kids one night a week.) I got tired of doing it so I gave my older two kids an extra night each. My daughter balked at that, and told my husband he was immature, and he called her a jacka**. She should not have said that, and I told her to show respect. I was very upset with him, though I did not show it, I just calmly told him that he was never to call our kids names (he has called me names, and he has quite a temper.) Could name calling be considered abusive? What should I do if it happens again?
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Okay, the first problem is that your husband decided not to do what he agreed to do, and so the kids got extra chores. That alone causes resentment from the kids. Please don’t assign your kids chores unless there is a reason other than that the parents don’t want to do it. I mean, if the kids are supposed to do their chores, and they do, it’s not fair for them to have to pick up dad’s slack. OK, so Mouthy Teenage Daughter says her dad is immature, and Immature Lippy Dad bites back and calls her a jack@$$. No points awarded to either of them!

Who has made amends at this point? Has your husband apologized? I think he owes her an amends. How else is she being difficult? This event does not qualify for that label.
 
I was called names my whole teenage era - although I was a bad kid, i never felt abused

but this is just my opinion - i mean Jack@@@ doesn’t seem to be that bad

once you drop C and F bombs I think thats when it will start to hit home
 
mab23 said:
I was called names my whole teenage era - although I was a bad kid, i never felt abused

but this is just my opinion - i mean Jack@@@ doesn’t seem to be that bad

once you drop C and F bombs I think thats when it will start to hit home
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It also isn’t so much.about the words themselves as the meaning behind them. I was verbally abused daily, and the ones that hurt the most were the ones that didn’t involve cussing at all. “I spent the day trying to come up with something but I still can’t name one good thing about you” and “If I had known that this is what living with you would be like I never would have married your mother” were the two worst ones I ever had said to me.

If your husband regularly treats your daughter cruelly and with hostility, do whatever you need to to protect her. If an otherwise loving father lost his temper once and is truly remorseful resolve to work on communication and forgiveness as a family.
 
A habit of name-calling and personal attacks is abusive, but losing it with your teen or your dad once is something that is best not blown out of proportion.

Rather, it is better to convince you husband that when he is accused of being immature, spewing vulgarities as a response essentially proves his attacker’s point. It plays right into her impertinent hand. If he had remained calm and reminded his daughter that having to do dishes one extra night hardly compared with having to do the work to actually put the food on the table, and then unceremoniously ended the discussion, he’d have come out far ahead of where he did. After that reminder, though, commiserate that sometimes dealing with your teens make you crazy, too. It is hard not to snap.

You can also tell your daughter that making personal attacks will get her nowhere with anyone, but making such attacks on her parents will bring consequences. That is not only out of line, it is a very bad habit for someone who wants a happy marriage and good relationship with co-workers. When making complaints, insist that she stick with the facts concerning the matter at hand. No dredging up old complaints, no global attacks on anyone’s character or the overall state of the realm, and no losing sight of who it is that is providing the sustenance in the household. Rather, complaints that seek to defend what are felt to be legitimate boundaries ought to be aimed ONLY at an unacceptable behavior or situation, never the person.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Okay, the first problem is that your husband decided not to do what he agreed to do, and so the kids got extra chores. That alone causes resentment from the kids. Please don’t assign your kids chores unless there is a reason other than that the parents don’t want to do it. I mean, if the kids are supposed to do their chores, and they do, it’s not fair for them to have to pick up dad’s slack. OK, so Mouthy Teenage Daughter says her dad is immature, and Immature Lippy Dad bites back and calls her a jack@$$. No points awarded to either of them!

Who has made amends at this point? Has your husband apologized? I think he owes her an amends. How else is she being difficult? This event does not qualify for that label.
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Yes, they both owe each other amends. She is a drama queen and disrespectful-- mostly typical teenage stuff, and yes, it does get on your nerves, but we’re adults, we have to correct appropriately, IMO.

Perhaps I was wrong to give the kids those extra nights. My husband won’t do it, I’ve already spoken to him previously (he does nothing around the house). Should I have just kept doing it? I can tell her that from now on I will do it instead. I was just trying to divvy up the load, since I do all the cooking too.

When I called him on it, he said, well she shouldn’t act like one. I said, “I don’t care if she acts like something worse, you just can’t call your kid a name!” as for the flip side, he is immature, but you don’t call your dad something like that. I don’t know, to me it’s very discouraging to have manners erode like this. I mean, even if two people don’t like each other, they can at least be polite!!!

I seem to be more upset about it than either one of them. Maybe it’s not a big deal as some are saying.
 
constantconvert said:
…Anyway, my husband is supposed to clean the kitchen on Fri and Sat nights after dinner, and he does not do it. (He and I are supposed to clean 2 nights a week, and our 3 kids one night a week.) I got tired of doing it so I gave my older two kids an extra night each…
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Let’s also note that you had a hand in the genesis of this dispute.

If you decided that your husband did not have to do dishes, then you ought to have let your daughter know that her issue was with you, not with her dad, because he wasn’t the one that put the duty on to her. If it was you, then you ought to handle the push-back. If this was a joint decision, one still has to wonder how was it that you left your husband to defend it?

If you have resentments towards your husband over his failure to do dishes and think he ought to be doing his share, why is it fair to hand the problem off to your older kids to confront him with? If you feel he is not doing his part, then you ought to square off with him over it, and not just hand the problem off to the kids. If you think he was being unfair in handing his work off on the kids over your objections, you should have had it out with him before he tried to pull that or else given your children permission to keep doing the night that you parents and the kids had agreed on.
 
EasterJoy said:
A habit of name-calling and personal attacks is abusive, but losing it with your teen or your dad once is something that is best not blown out of proportion.

Rather, it is better to convince you husband that when he is accused of being immature, spewing vulgarities as a response essentially proves his attacker’s point. It plays right into her impertinent hand. If he had remained calm and reminded his daughter that having to do dishes one extra night hardly compared with having to do the work to actually put the food on the table, and then unceremoniously ended the discussion, he’d have come out far ahead of where he did. After that reminder, though, commiserate that sometimes dealing with your teens make you crazy, too. It is hard not to snap.

You can also tell your daughter that making personal attacks will get her nowhere with anyone, but making such attacks on her parents will bring consequences. That is not only out of line, it is a very bad habit for someone who wants a happy marriage and good relationship with co-workers. When making complaints, insist that she stick with the facts concerning the matter at hand. No dredging up old complaints, no global attacks on anyone’s character or the overall state of the realm, and no losing sight of who it is that is providing the sustenance in the household. Rather, complaints that seek to defend what are felt to be legitimate boundaries ought to be aimed ONLY at an unacceptable behavior or situation, never the person.
Click to expand...
👍
 
TheCartoonist said:
My father has called me much worse. It definitely upset me a lot, but I got over it. 🤷 I think it’s nice that you’re not taking it lightly, but if your husband is anything like my dad, he just has a bad temper and low tolerance for kids that say something he doesn’t wanna hear.
But I don’t think that makes it alright.

My dad and I are okay now, and I’ll always love him. We have out moments, but so does everyone…
Click to expand...
Agreed! its not right, but this is not a huge deal! kids who live in sheltered, phony homes don’t turn out well.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It also isn’t so much.about the words themselves as the meaning behind them. I was verbally abused daily, and the ones that hurt the most were the ones that didn’t involve cussing at all. “I spent the day trying to come up with something but I still can’t name one good thing about you” and “If I had known that this is what living with you would be like I never would have married your mother” were the two worst ones I ever had said to me.

If your husband regularly treats your daughter cruelly and with hostility, do whatever you need to to protect her. If an otherwise loving father lost his temper once and is truly remorseful resolve to work on communication and forgiveness as a family.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t ever let anyone speak to my kids like that. I think my problem is that it’s difficult to know when the line is crossed, it happens by inches, I think, and I don’t want our family to devolve into something bad. I’m not in a good marriage, but I’m doing the best I can, I’d like us all to practice kindness, even if we’re not feeling it.
 
constantconvert said:
Yes, they both owe each other amends. She is a drama queen and disrespectful-- mostly typical teenage stuff, and yes, it does get on your nerves, but we’re adults, we have to correct appropriately, IMO.

Perhaps I was wrong to give the kids those extra nights. My husband won’t do it, I’ve already spoken to him previously (he does nothing around the house). Should I have just kept doing it? I can tell her that from now on I will do it instead. I was just trying to divvy up the load, since I do all the cooking too.

When I called him on it, he said, well she shouldn’t act like one. I said, “I don’t care if she acts like something worse, you just can’t call your kid a name!” as for the flip side, he is immature, but you don’t call your dad something like that. I don’t know, to me it’s very discouraging to have manners erode like this. I mean, even if two people don’t like each other, they can at least be polite!!!

I seem to be more upset about it than either one of them. Maybe it’s not a big deal as some are saying.
Click to expand...
You and your husband ought to decide how the chores are to be divided, or ought to decide to include the children. It would be better not to carry on anything more than low-drama differences of opinion and not to correct your husband in front of anyone. If one of you needs correction, only the other parent ought to be allowed to do it, and in private. If the kids don’t like that, too bad.

No one wants to be a witness to the disputes of a married couple and no one should have to unless they’re both trained and paid to do it. After all, there is no way to intervene without risk to life and limb! It is not as if you cannot disagree, but even for a teen, it is scary to have your parents fight or attack each other right in front of you. That is traumatic in its own way, too. We all want happily-married parents who have each other’s back and know how to settle their disputes in private. We don’t want to concern ourselves with whether or not our parents marriage is “working.” Work on being parents who are reliably devoted to and respectful of each other. That is very important to kids of all ages, no matter how maddening their parents are in every other respect.

A teen’s brain is almost literally coming unwired. It is a project under construction. The psychological scaffolding of parents who are steady is very reassuring to a person who has suddenly found herself all over the emotional map. Try to provide that, no matter how she provokes you to do otherwise. This, too, shall pass!! 👍

(And after that, it will be just you and hubby. Put him first, even when he isn’t perfect!!)
 
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