My husband called my daughter a jacka**

[Deo_Gratias42]

The name calling doesn’t happen very often, and yes I do talk to him about it. I try to wait until the heat of the moment has passed and bring it up privately. No, I don’t want a husband like that either, but that’s the husband I have, and marriage lasts until death so what I want really isn’t the issue.

You sound just like the abused women I have worked with. Your husband has anger management issues. It’s not acceptable for him to lose his temper and start name calling. I am very concerned about it. While it may not seem like much to you, I have spent a number of years studying psychology and domestic violence. Further, I have worked with both victims of domestic abuse, and those who have been charged with domestic abuse-related of offences.

Domestic abuse starts out as lost tempers and name-calling, but it escalates over time into physical violence. This is something that your husband needs professional help to overcome now before it escalates into something bigger.

 

[constantconvert]

It sounds to me as if your husband has aligned himself more as one of the kids, than as your partner and their father. This almost sounds like sibling rivalry to me, with you as the referee. Calling her dad immature doesn’t rank up there with the kind of labels I was getting when our son was in rebellion. Your hair would curl.

Does their dad work all day and still have to do chores at night? Have you ever discussed this with him and what does he say about it? I see no problem with the kids cleaning up every night, as long as their dad does other things around the house and doesn’t expect to be treated like a king on his throne.

he does work very hard at his job. He does not do anything around the house-- well that’s an exaggeration, he does occasionally do the dishes if I repeatedly ask him, he does mow the lawn, and about once a year he’ll put a load of laundry in if he’s out of underwear, if I ask everyone to pitch in for an hour or two on the weekends he will sometimes do that.

That does not mean that you must put up with abuse.



When you talk to your husband, what does he say? Does he justify his words, or does he make amends and then improve his behavior? If it is still happening then he is not making changes. I know my husband has a hard time seeing his own faults, he has narcissistic traits - thinks it’s everyone else’s problem and not his. He does not like to apologize and does not look too deeply at his own behavior.

It’s generally a mixed reaction. He gets angry when he’s called on his behavior, but he also concedes that his behavior is bad. He will apologize, but his behavior doesn’t change. He has said that if I sign him up for anger management he would go. Maybe it would help.

 

[constantconvert]

You sound just like the abused women I have worked with. Your husband has anger management issues. It’s not acceptable for him to lose his temper and start name calling. I am very concerned about it. While it may not seem like much to you, I have spent a number of years studying psychology and domestic violence. Further, I have worked with both victims of domestic abuse, and those who have been charged with domestic abuse-related of offences.

Domestic abuse starts out as lost tempers and name-calling, but it escalates over time into physical violence. This is something that your husband needs professional help to overcome now before it escalates into something bigger.

If he ever laid a hand on me I would call the police. Perhaps I should sign him up for anger management. He has said he would go if I sign him up.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

If he ever laid a hand on me I would call the police. Perhaps I should sign him up for anger management. He has said he would go if I sign him up.

Group Anger Management courses are a joke and very expensive (privately run ones can get into the thousands) unless you’ve been charged with an offence and are being court ordered to go. He would benefit more from working one-on-one with a counselor. I’ve had the most success with people who do one-on-one where they will work specifically on the issues that cause him to lose his temper, and how to apply anger management techniques to them, as well as anger management techniques that can be applied to any situation. The other bonus about one-on-one, the person is required to participate. It’s not uncommon for people to go to some group anger management course, and just sit there like a bump on a log.

 

[mgoforth]

he does work very hard at his job. He does not do anything around the house-- well that’s an exaggeration, he does occasionally do the dishes if I repeatedly ask him, he does mow the lawn, and about once a year he’ll put a load of laundry in if he’s out of underwear, if I ask everyone to pitch in for an hour or two on the weekends he will sometimes do that.

Are you also employed outside the home?

If so, then your husband should help equally with housework. If not, then perhaps he’s justified to ask you and the children to keep the house running…if that’s your full-time job.

Keep in mind that mowing the grass is part of the housework…and depending on how big your yard is, what type of lawnmower you have, and the temperature outside, it can be many times harder than washing dishes. Have you at least mowed the grass yourself, to get an idea what it’s like?

I’m not trying to make excuses for his anger problems, but at the same time, you can’t count all housework equally. Some chores are much more physically demanding than others. Also, what type of work does he do outside the home? Is it also physically demanding, and perhaps he’s just exhausted at the end of the day? That wouldn’t justify angry name calling…but it would at least explain his frustration.

 

[constantconvert]

Are you also employed outside the home?

If so, then your husband should help equally with housework. If not, then perhaps he’s justified to ask you and the children to keep the house running…if that’s your full-time job.

Keep in mind that mowing the grass is part of the housework…and depending on how big your yard is, what type of lawnmower you have, and the temperature outside, it can be many times harder than washing dishes. Have you at least mowed the grass yourself, to get an idea what it’s like?

I’m not trying to make excuses for his anger problems, but at the same time, you can’t count all housework equally. Some chores are much more physically demanding than others. Also, what type of work does he do outside the home? Is it also physically demanding, and perhaps he’s just exhausted at the end of the day? That wouldn’t justify angry name calling…but it would at least explain his frustration.

yes, I have mowed the lawn many times. No I’m not currently employed, but when I was the housework stll fell to me. In fact when I was the only one employed the house work still fell to me. And when I was the only one employed, and we only had one car I took the bus to work because he wouldn’t get out of bed to take me to work and he wanted the car. I was young and foolish then, and thought I was acting in love. Now, 20+ years later I would just take the car.

He does not have a physically demanding job. Anyway, the issue isn’t him helping. I just dont want him calling the kids names.

 

[PennyinCanada]

If he,as an adult, can be disrespectful like that, she is just modeling him.
Both should apologize to each other and both should make a habit of going to confession to overcome this short coming. Dad needs to model the behaviour he wishes to grow in his children.

 

[mgoforth]

yes, I have mowed the lawn many times. No I’m not currently employed, but when I was the housework stll fell to me. In fact when I was the only one employed the house work still fell to me. And when I was the only one employed, and we only had one car I took the bus to work because he wouldn’t get out of bed to take me to work and he wanted the car. I was young and foolish then, and thought I was acting in love. Now, 20+ years later I would just take the car.

He does not have a physically demanding job. Anyway, the issue isn’t him helping. I just dont want him calling the kids names.

Ok, I was just asking to get a better idea of your situation. No offense intended.

Since you’re asking for advice, I would not do as another poster implied by getting Child Protective Services involved over a name-calling incident. That’s over-reacting, and as far as you’ve told us, he hasn’t been physically abusive to the children. Your daughter was in fact acting like the name he called her. He shouldn’t have said it, but he’s not exactly picking on her for no reason. The first order of business, as I see it, is to discipline your daughter for making that comment. If she insults her father, she is out of line. His behavior isn’t fair, but he’s still the father and she’s still the child living in his house.

He may never decide to grow up and start helping equally around the house, and he’ll probably pay the price for that by not having a good relationship with his children or with you. But as her father, he does have a right to be respected at all times by his children.

Consider Acts 23: 1-5

Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, “My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day.” At this the high priest Ananias ordered those standing near Paul to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him, “God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! You sit there to judge me according to the law, yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck!” Those who were standing near Paul said, “How dare you insult God’s high priest!” Paul replied, “Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written: ‘Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people.’”

If you read the full story, Ananias was clearly wrong to persecute Paul, but once Paul realized he was the high priest, he apologized for insulting him. Children owe their parents the same respect, even when the parent doesn’t behave as they should.

 

[constantconvert]

No offense taken.

Yes, I did admonish her about being respectful. She was in the wrong and I won’t allow my kids to speak to their dad disrespectfully. I agree that calling CPS is not warranted, and I don’t think the poster was recommending that, merely that it almost happened to her step father.

It just alarmed me because I felt something was breached. I don’t expect my husband to grow up, it will be a pleasant surprise, but I accept him as he is. I won’t however, accept certain behaviors, so I was trying to get a feel if other people had the same reaction as I did, and what kind of action should be taken if it happens again.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No offense taken.

Yes, I did admonish her about being respectful. She was in the wrong and I won’t allow my kids to speak to their dad disrespectfully. I agree that calling CPS is not warranted, and I don’t think the poster was recommending that, merely that it almost happened to her step father.

It just alarmed me because I felt something was breached. I don’t expect my husband to grow up, it will be a pleasant surprise, but I accept him as he is. I won’t however, accept certain behaviors, so I was trying to get a feel if other people had the same reaction as I did, and what kind of action should be taken if it happens again.

No, I certainly wasn’t recommending getting cps involved. I was just illustrating what can and should happen if things like this are allowed to continue and escalate.

I was shouted at daily, sometimes for hours. I was mocked, called vile and obscene names, told that no one loved me they were all just pretending, etc. He couldn’t talk to my mom that way so when he got mad at her he took it out on me.

The school noticed that my grades were terrible despite outstanding test scores, that I was very nervous and anxious, prone to sobbing, and fearful of my male teachers when they got angry.

I told my counselor what was going on, but my stepfather was in law enforcement she had known him for years, so she called me a liar. I broke down and told a teacher everything after school one day. She reported it, a social worker was called in and I recanted everything out of fear. There was nothing they could do, so they had to drop it and keep a close eye on me.

If that is going on, which it doesn’t sound like, then the kids need to be protected.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

yes, I have mowed the lawn many times. No I’m not currently employed, but when I was the housework stll fell to me. In fact when I was the only one employed the house work still fell to me. And when I was the only one employed, and we only had one car I took the bus to work because he wouldn’t get out of bed to take me to work and he wanted the car. I was young and foolish then, and thought I was acting in love. Now, 20+ years later I would just take the car.

He does not have a physically demanding job. Anyway, the issue isn’t him helping. I just dont want him calling the kids names.

Hi Constantconvert, and blessings on your day.

This history of his selfishness speaks volumes. You took the bus to work, because he didn’t want to get out of bed to take you? Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, for example, that he needed the car to go on job interviews, he should have gotten out of bed, taken you to work and then used the car to go to job hunting. Then he could have picked you up later. But he didn’t.

You were the only bread winner and all the housework still fell to you? I think that the issues are crystal clear here. It is both the fact that he calls the children names AND his history of selfishness.

Interestingly, you use the phrase “fell to me” twice here. I think that so much has fallen on you and you need to feel good about your marriage. He may never realize his selfishness. I’m not sure it will help to remind him of it.

You were young then, but now you are wiser. If there are other memories, other things to build on, good times, things he has done for you, you can build on that. He has been spoiled over all these years, and now he refuses to help the least little bit, resenting even being called upon to do his part. He is calling the children names while acting like a selfish child himself. As a mother and grandmother, I would not be able to stand by and let the name calling go on.

If you can reason with him about this, that would be ideal. Can you, though? He seems to be a bully, refusing to do his part, and seeing this little bit of history suggests he may not change. If you can get counseling, talk to your priest, and if he will go to counseling with you, that would be ideal. You may have to say, “Fine don’t help out with the house but do not all our children names. I want our home to be a happy one.” He doesn’t sound like the type who responds well to being challenged.

And tell your daughter you are doing your best to deal with him, and in the meantime, she is not to argue with him. If the name calling continues, you yourself will need counseling if nothing else, just to find a way through this.

We wives have so much that falls upon us. I hope you treat yourself especially kindly, and have hope. In twenty years time, if you can reflect upon good things your husband has done, that may help. We can’t deny the reality of our spouses failings and we don’t have to.

You may know the old saying “Discretion is the better part of valor.” Each day we battle with so much. Don’t try to swallow his entire past in one bitter memory. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof,” is a good scripture to recall. We humans are not made to take in too much at once.

Talk to him when you are not angry, and tell him you want a happy home with no one doing any name calling. If he realizes how this affects you, he may finally take a step back and respect your need for peace and harmony. You can still realize all his faults, but wisely choose discretion in how you handle each day.

Discretion is the key in marriage. You have done so much to keep things together and just need to remind him that you want peace in the home. That should not be too much to ask of him. There is always hope when someone like you has done so much to keep things harmonious. It’s how we approach things that makes all the difference. I hope you keep us posted and remember that you are not alone. All wives have to balance reality with hope for a better day. God bless you for trying so hard.
Kathryn Ann

 

[EasterJoy]

No offense taken.

Yes, I did admonish her about being respectful. She was in the wrong and I won’t allow my kids to speak to their dad disrespectfully. I agree that calling CPS is not warranted, and I don’t think the poster was recommending that, merely that it almost happened to her step father.

It just alarmed me because I felt something was breached. I don’t expect my husband to grow up, it will be a pleasant surprise, but I accept him as he is. I won’t however, accept certain behaviors, so I was trying to get a feel if other people had the same reaction as I did, and what kind of action should be taken if it happens again.

You seem a wise woman. I think you are right to draw a boundary on behalf of your children…which, let us face it, you would do for guests in your home, too. What you put up with as a hostess reflects on you as a hostess, and what you put up from coming from your husband as a father reflects on you as a mother. It is best to deal with these things discretely, but it is sometimes your job to draw boundaries for him.

I have gotten a lot of mileage from Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More”. The older I get, the more I think that the things people have to learn in order to deal with alcoholics are things that all of us could stand to learn. There are many boundary violations that aren’t dealt with because they don’t destroy domestic life entirely, but there are ways to deal with them that benefit everyone involved, including those who have the habit of violating the boundaries. Even if you don’t need the information or the outlook to save your life, it is still good information! (Kind of like the AA Serenity Prayer…good stuff in that!)

 

[constantconvert]

Hi Constantconvert, and blessings on your day.

This history of his selfishness speaks volumes. You took the bus to work, because he didn’t want to get out of bed to take you? Even giving him the benefit of the doubt, for example, that he needed the car to go on job interviews, he should have gotten out of bed, taken you to work and then used the car to go to job hunting. Then he could have picked you up later. But he didn’t.

You were the only bread winner and all the housework still fell to you? I think that the issues are crystal clear here. It is both the fact that he calls the children names AND his history of selfishness.

Interestingly, you use the phrase “fell to me” twice here. I think that so much has fallen on you and you need to feel good about your marriage. He may never realize his selfishness. I’m not sure it will help to remind him of it.

You were young then, but now you are wiser. If there are other memories, other things to build on, good times, things he has done for you, you can build on that. He has been spoiled over all these years, and now he refuses to help the least little bit, resenting even being called upon to do his part. He is calling the children names while acting like a selfish child himself. As a mother and grandmother, I would not be able to stand by and let the name calling go on.

If you can reason with him about this, that would be ideal. Can you, though? He seems to be a bully, refusing to do his part, and seeing this little bit of history suggests he may not change. If you can get counseling, talk to your priest, and if he will go to counseling with you, that would be ideal. You may have to say, “Fine don’t help out with the house but do not all our children names. I want our home to be a happy one.” He doesn’t sound like the type who responds well to being challenged.

And tell your daughter you are doing your best to deal with him, and in the meantime, she is not to argue with him. If the name calling continues, you yourself will need counseling if nothing else, just to find a way through this.

We wives have so much that falls upon us. I hope you treat yourself especially kindly, and have hope. In twenty years time, if you can reflect upon good things your husband has done, that may help. We can’t deny the reality of our spouses failings and we don’t have to.

You may know the old saying “Discretion is the better part of valor.” Each day we battle with so much. Don’t try to swallow his entire past in one bitter memory. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof,” is a good scripture to recall. We humans are not made to take in too much at once.

Talk to him when you are not angry, and tell him you want a happy home with no one doing any name calling. If he realizes how this affects you, he may finally take a step back and respect your need for peace and harmony. You can still realize all his faults, but wisely choose discretion in how you handle each day.

Discretion is the key in marriage. You have done so much to keep things together and just need to remind him that you want peace in the home. That should not be too much to ask of him. There is always hope when someone like you has done so much to keep things harmonious. It’s how we approach things that makes all the difference. I hope you keep us posted and remember that you are not alone. All wives have to balance reality with hope for a better day. God bless you for trying so hard.
Kathryn Ann

I realize also that I have responsibility in situation, I meant well, but I did not realize that love does not just mean giving, but love also means calling for others to carrying out their responsibilities. It’s not kindness to cater to someone’s whims, but I thought it was.

Also he does have some good qualities, he is a hard worker at work, and he is honest. Whatever his faults he is the spouse I have for life, so it does no good to dwell on the negative. As long as he isn’t abusive, I have made a commitment to stay, at least until the kids are grown. A lot of people think I’m nuts, but I think it’s better to have a two parent family as long as things are relatively peaceful, which they are, mostly. Hopefully things will not devolve, and God is able to do great things so maybe he will begin to cooperate with God’s grace even though he has resisted all these years. I pray daily that he will, and have placed a green scapular in his briefcase.

 

[constantconvert]

You seem a wise woman. I think you are right to draw a boundary on behalf of your children…which, let us face it, you would do for guests in your home, too. What you put up with as a hostess reflects on you as a hostess, and what you put up from coming from your husband as a father reflects on you as a mother. It is best to deal with these things discretely, but it is sometimes your job to draw boundaries for him.

I have gotten a lot of mileage from Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More”. The older I get, the more I think that the things people have to learn in order to deal with alcoholics are things that all of us could stand to learn. There are many boundary violations that aren’t dealt with because they don’t destroy domestic life entirely, but there are ways to deal with them that benefit everyone involved, including those who have the habit of violating the boundaries. Even if you don’t need the information or the outlook to save your life, it is still good information! (Kind of like the AA Serenity Prayer…good stuff in that!)

I did read it years ago, I’ll get a hold of another copy and read it again. Thanks.

 

[constantconvert]

No, I certainly wasn’t recommending getting cps involved. I was just illustrating what can and should happen if things like this are allowed to continue and escalate.

I was shouted at daily, sometimes for hours. I was mocked, called vile and obscene names, told that no one loved me they were all just pretending, etc. He couldn’t talk to my mom that way so when he got mad at her he took it out on me.

The school noticed that my grades were terrible despite outstanding test scores, that I was very nervous and anxious, prone to sobbing, and fearful of my male teachers when they got angry.

I told my counselor what was going on, but my stepfather was in law enforcement she had known him for years, so she called me a liar. I broke down and told a teacher everything after school one day. She reported it, a social worker was called in and I recanted everything out of fear. There was nothing they could do, so they had to drop it and keep a close eye on me.

If that is going on, which it doesn’t sound like, then the kids need to be protected.

That is terrible, and your mother should not have permitted it. I’m sorry you had such abuse, and I have read other posts from you on these forums, and am quite impressed you turned out so well, no thanks to them. (I keep hoping your religion will switch to Agnostic, lol)

 

[EasterJoy]

I did read it years ago, I’ll get a hold of another copy and read it again. Thanks.

She put a new edition out a few years ago. The good thing is that most libaries have it.

I’ve just started reading a book titled “Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens” by Kastner & Wyatt. Very interesting so far.

 

[EasterJoy]

I realize also that I have responsibility in situation, I meant well, but I did not realize that love does not just mean giving, but love also means calling for others to carrying out their responsibilities. It’s not kindness to cater to someone’s whims, but I thought it was.

Also he does have some good qualities, he is a hard worker at work, and he is honest. Whatever his faults he is the spouse I have for life, so it does no good to dwell on the negative. As long as he isn’t abusive, I have made a commitment to stay, at least until the kids are grown. A lot of people think I’m nuts, but I think it’s better to have a two parent family as long as things are relatively peaceful, which they are, mostly. Hopefully things will not devolve, and God is able to do great things so maybe he will begin to cooperate with God’s grace even though he has resisted all these years. I pray daily that he will, and have placed a green scapular in his briefcase.

Do not be too hard on yourself, because it is a balance. You call others on some things, you let some things go, and you go through life figuring out when to do which.

I don’t think it is nuts to put up with a spouse who is less than perfect. I grew up among people married 60 years, and that is what all of them did.

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

I realize also that I have responsibility in situation, I meant well, but I did not realize that love does not just mean giving, but love also means calling for others to carrying out their responsibilities. It’s not kindness to cater to someone’s whims, but I thought it was.

Also he does have some good qualities, he is a hard worker at work, and he is honest. Whatever his faults he is the spouse I have for life, so it does no good to dwell on the negative. As long as he isn’t abusive, I have made a commitment to stay, at least until the kids are grown. A lot of people think I’m nuts, but I think it’s better to have a two parent family as long as things are relatively peaceful, which they are, mostly. Hopefully things will not devolve, and God is able to do great things so maybe he will begin to cooperate with God’s grace even though he has resisted all these years. I pray daily that he will, and have placed a green scapular in his briefcase.

Dear constantconvert, you are indeed wise no matter what people think of your decisions. It’s your call, not theirs.

If things are peaceful for the most part, that’s something to build on. As Catholics, we want to stay married for life. I realize this is not always what happens for everyone. I had an early marriage annulled before I became a Catholic. I am now happily married to a wonderful “Cradle Catholic,” who is older, wiser, and always helps around the house. HIs parents taught him that. That’s probably unusual these days though.

Each husband is unique, each situation different.* One thing I learned, no person has to be the "be all and end all " for us, * That’s a real relief when people fail us.

In fact, Our Heavenly Father is a “jealous God,” in the best way, meaning that He wants our relationship with Him to come first. That’s the balance. It’s empowering to know that God is in charge, not whomever is hurting us emotionally, verbally or physically. Ideally, husbands are supposed to love us as Christ loves the Church. But if they don’t, won’t or can’t, God is still there to hold us in His own perfect love when others fail us.

You don’t have to have a perfect husband, but you do need a peaceful home. You certainly sound like a person with hope, with great patience, and a kind heart. With God, all things are possible, and I believe He will honor your grace and forgiveness, and at the same time, He does not want you or anyone in the family to be mistreated. I believe you’ll find your way through this because you have gained a lot of wisdom in your twenty years of marriage. I’ll be praying for you and your family. I think many here will be praying for the best. Please never think that kindness is a sign of weakness. Bullies often don’t understand that. No kindness you have ever shown should come back to haunt you. God will honor all you have learned, and show you the way.
Best wishes,
Kathryn Ann

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**I realize also that I have responsibility in situation, I meant well, but I did not realize that love does not just mean giving, but love also means calling for others to carrying out their responsibilities. It’s not kindness to cater to someone’s whims, but I thought it was.
**
Also he does have some good qualities, he is a hard worker at work, and he is honest. Whatever his faults he is the spouse I have for life, so it does no good to dwell on the negative. As long as he isn’t abusive, I have made a commitment to stay, at least until the kids are grown. A lot of people think I’m nuts, but I think it’s better to have a two parent family as long as things are relatively peaceful, which they are, mostly. Hopefully things will not devolve, and God is able to do great things so maybe he will begin to cooperate with God’s grace even though he has resisted all these years. I pray daily that he will, and have placed a green scapular in his briefcase.

I read something a few years ago, that always comes back to me…“I thought that by giving and giving to my family, I was teaching them how to give, but I was really teaching them how to take.”

The joy of giving to others must be balanced by taking care of yourself and requesting others to do their part as well.