Please pray for my family. Here’s the story. My teenage daughter is being very difficult, though she’s still basically a good kid-- good grades, lives morally for the most part, though she can be disrespectful and angry. Anyway, my husband is supposed to clean the kitchen on Fri and Sat nights after dinner, and he does not do it. (He and I are supposed to clean 2 nights a week, and our 3 kids one night a week.) I got tired of doing it so I gave my older two kids an extra night each. My daughter balked at that, and told my husband he was immature, and he called her a jacka**. She should not have said that, and I told her to show respect. I was very upset with him, though I did not show it, I just calmly told him that he was never to call our kids names (he has called me names, and he has quite a temper.) Could name calling be considered abusive? What should I do if it happens again?
Dear constantconvert, I’m so sorry. It seems that anger and ugly words are really escalating within your home (from what you mentioned about your husband having already called you names previously and that “he has quite a temper.”) Now he and your teen daughter are having heated disputes. I’m sure there is always hope if we just pause a moment. Here are some things you might consider:
1-How do you and your husband get along otherwise, before you assigned him the Friday and Saturday night clean ups?
2-What would happen if you tried to have a “Family Meeting?” Would this be too “New Age” for your husband? Would he become even more resentful? (I can see why the teens rebelled here: they feel they’re doing extra work that their father might consider doing on Friday and Sat. nights after dinner, out of kindness and respect for you.)
3-We women face challenges with different kinds of husbands. Yours has a bad temper and he resents helping. You* could* put your foot down, call a Family Meeting, and hope everyone has a quiet, respectful conversation. If, however, that sounds like Mission Impossible, you may need some real family counseling with professionals.
4-Does your family attend Mass regularly together? If yes, you might find a time right after Mass to speak to your husband if he’s more approachable and tender-hearted then.
5-If Mass is not at the center of your family life, now would be a good time to resume making it so.
6-Verbal abuse is abuse. But a one- time, heat- of -the- moment exchange is different from escalating or continual, explosive outbursts. I pray your husband will not continue in this vein. Words can hurt and change us, but there can also be healing if Christ is at the center of your home. People *can *change for the better. Just know that you are all beloved of God and everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Children can only learn from their parents how to one day make their own homes. Chaos is not a good training ground.
An example: I knew a dear lady years ago whose husband was kind, considerate in almost every way, but he
would. not. help. around. the. house. Ever. Also, if there was a family picnic, his wife and two sons had to prepare everything and pack the car while he sat in the parlor. He felt strongly that he did his part by providing food and shelter. We all know the type. So, he felt everyone else needed to do their part.
But his wife worked full time at a grueling job outside the home! She also did all the cooking and cleaning. He never took that into consideration. I met the man. He was very friendly, and was a good father except for the example he did NOT set in treating his wife like a lady on picnic day.
To my mind, he was a real jerk about sitting in a chair while his wife and sons packed up for these picnics, and for feeling that his (higher) income was the “important” one. In my opinion, it does not matter if a lady goes outside to earn an income or not: her husband should, either way, treat her with kindness and respect, and love her “as Christ loves the Church.” I know other husbands who are virtual household angels but who never tell their wives that they love them. “Go Figure.” as they say. The mind reels.
One would think that all husbands would do all they could, out of respect for their wives, to show their children by example, how a husband and father acts. In a perfect world, the ladies would also be models of cheeriness and support for hard working fellows. Nowadays, most couples both face the outside workaday world and come home more than a bit cranky and exhausted. What a challenge!
Again, we ladies deal with unique husbands, some with little quirks and some with real issues that need immediate resolutions. Only you know how to handle yours, but please don’t allow all this yelling and anger to escalate. Get outside, professional help if this ugly name calling and anger towards yourself or your children continues.
For now, could you speak to him privately, quietly and see if you could explain to him how you feel about being the sole cleanup person in the household? And let him know it’s vital that all this verbal ugliness stops. It’s not good if you feel exhausted and if no one is helping at all. But perhaps some balance can be found, and that’s what I pray for. We ladies need a strong sense of humor, an eye on the overall situation and the Blessed Mother as an example. Our Lady is calm, compassionate, and, I think, the Queen of Justice. Our Heavenly Father knows what you are each going through. He can provide the balance. People can change, if they open their hearts to the Mind of Christ.
Best wishes,
Kathryn Ann:heaven::grouphug::heaven:
But if it becomes a habit, then there could be an issue of emotional abuse.
