My husband has left me

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admonsta said:
This all sounds a little fishy to me. The “I don’t love you” line, the act of leaving two days before Christmas, telling you it’s for the best and you’ll thank him eventually. All doesn’t sound quite right.

May I suggest you don’t make any decisions for a while? It’s only been a few days and things are still quite raw. You both need time to calm down and then you need to work things out over time.

I think it sounds like your husband is struggling with… something. Some people here have suggested depression, and it fits. Unfortunately depression (if that is what this is) is very hard to deal with, so there might not be a solution. I mean, he may do counselling, he may agree to see a doctor, but he might not. It’s really up to your husband to help himself, and thereby help you and your son.

In the meantime, pray pray pray and make use of the sacraments. Look after yourself and your son.
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This is good advice - but also make sure you have control of enough of the money to support you and your son in case something is amiss (since there has been a great deal of trust broken here) and make sure you know your legal rights regarding your son and visitation as well as custody should your dh someday come by, pick up your son, and not return him. I only say this because in these situations people do things that one would not normally expect them to do. It is best to hope and work for the best but be prepared in case the worst happens.
 
Thanks to all those who are replying, this forum gives me something to do when my baby is asleep. I spoke to him today (through text) and told him I would not give up on him, I knew he was depressed and would help him every step of the way and we would be happy again. He said he is not depressed but could not go on pretending to me and himself and the world he was happy when he wasnt abd finally had the courage to do something about it. He said I am a good person but marriage is sadly not for him and he has tried for a long time. He says he has done me a huge favour and in time I will realise and its better that i am only 25 instead of 45. I asked if our marriage was worth so little that he gave up at the first sign of trouble. He said our marriage meant a lot to him but he wont try again as the same thing will happen again in a few years. He has given me the car and is still paying insurance on it (as i am free under his name and couldnt afford it on my own name) and says whatever I want to do with the house etc he will go with that. I know he is not unfaithful. I am going to try and keep the house on myself, he said he will give me money still to keep the house and look after our son.

We need to work out when he will see our boy because at the minute he is asking every day to see him. I let him spend a few hours every day over christmas but today said no as I had just moved into our home again and need to sort things out. I don’t know how often I should let him see him or for how long.I still trust him very much with our baby despite it all.
 
ahmmm you just cant be in a 6 years marriage and all of a sudden you say I´m outta here for no reason. The reason I dont love you anymore is bull___ !!! I really think there is something fishy going on and he is giving you the car , the house to be at peace with his conscious. Anyway time will tell and sooner or later you will find out the reason

By the way you write in these forum , it seems to me taht you are a very kind and very nice woman. Thats good but sometimes women have to be tough and you have to show to your husband that you won´t tolerate such things. Have you talked to him and realy tell him you want him back in the house. He is a very irrespsonsible man. He is putting his feeings above his responsibility to be the head of the house. Pardon me for saying this but he is a coward. A good man even if he isnt in love with his wife would not dare leave his house and responsibility for he has made that vow to God and himself. That vow is greater than any feeling in the world. I suggest you be strong on this one and don´t give your husband to much credit. For all we know he is just playing you… Demand and tell him what you and your son need. Tell him we need you. I need my husband back. My son needs his father back , here in this HOME!.
 
Your relationship surely didn’t deteriorate over night, there should have been some minor signs of his lack of satisfaction that you were unable to read out of his body language.

Maybe you were being clingy, or perhaps he felt like you were suffocating him so that led to him thinking that his life is ending and his dreams were not achieved and he had the need to blame you.
Or you didn’t present value to him anymore, and forgot that you were a women first mother second. Maybe it’s all his fault. Point is, every person in marriage can be less selfish and see their relationship blossom from it.

I don’t know about you but every time I have a problem I tackle it from academic point of view and research the subject, and after it I can have a clear vision of what to do.

For example from this topic You have books about saving marriage, and getting your loved one back. You can hit the library and research the topic. What I’m trying to say, there is always someone that already had a similar road ahead of him, you just have to find them and extract valuable information from it.
 
Mayita30 said:
ahmmm you just cant be in a 6 years marriage and all of a sudden you say I´m outta here for no reason. The reason I dont love you anymore is bull___ !!!
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As BS as it may be, that is typical of a depressive. ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’ ‘I don’t think I ever loved you’ And a consequence of depression is not just their feelings in the present, it skews memories and perceptions of their past. It causes them to recast prior events in their lack of feeling in the present. Nothing was ever good, it was all fake, the feelings were never there or real…

Do the academic research on depression. It may not be the cause, but I think it’s worth eliminating and/or exploiting as a useful approach to get your husband into counseling (alone, than joint).

As for him seeing the kid every day. I let my ex into my home as much as she is willing to be there to see our kids. Sadly, it has become less and less over time. If you want him in your son’s life (and he will always be the boy’s father) you’ll need to decide what you can cope with in the event you don’t reconcile.
 
Purple,

I feel so sad for you and your family. I’m going through a terrible time in my marriage right now myself so I know a little about how you feel. I will pray for you and your husband.

Obviously I don’t know the particulars of your situation but I saw where you said the last incident might have been a fight about him never attending church with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism or that I’m blame you or anything like that but do you nag him about attending church a lot?

I know it is my natural inclination to keep pressuring my family members to attend. Maybe he takes that as some sort of sign you don’t respect his decision about his religious beliefs. I’m not trying to blame you. You know more about your situation than I do, of course. But maybe he does perceive your actions like that.

Do you think he would go to Retrouvaille with you? Maybe if you could ask him to go and work on it one last time, maybe just for the sake of your child and your family unit.
 
Purple,

I’m very sorry to read of this terrible time in your life. I’m praying for you, your husband and child.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he made the decision he made. And the more time you give trying to figure it out, the more time you lose in changing your focus to God. Please know that God is your answer. He is with you and will give you what you need everyday. If you let him, he will guide you. I know it’s hard to turn this over to God, but just keep trying. It really works if we “Let go and Let God”. It’s taken me many years and lots and lots of practice to learn this.

My dh and I both have many faults. We always seem to be growing in different directions at different times. Many, many bumps in the road of our marriage. But, after 42 years, I realize that’s all they were…bumps.

God Bless you!

God has a plan for you and your child, let him work his miracles!
 
I too am very sorry to hear this. How hard this must be for you at this time of year.
Do you have family, friends, a pastor to help support you?
Special prayers for you and your children.
Please check back in with us dear one, to let us know how you are.

Our Father
Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
 
Have you read Love Must be Tough? It’s an oldie but a classic read, and seems like there’s a reason for that. It’s Christian (James Dobson)–not Catholic, and it has some sensible thoughts. I just started reading it yesterday and your story corresponds directly to the opening stories in his book. The jist of the book seems to not submit, not to appease, not to give in. To be in charge, and in a sense, not to cling but I’m only on the second chapter.

I know you feel just about punched in the stomach right now. I’m so sorry for this, especially with your little one. breaks my heart.
 
Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. I have continued to ask him to give our marriage another go, afterall it was not a bad marriage by any means. We continued to laugh, to make love, to take walks, eat nice meals, enjoy our son etc. before he dropped the bombshell. I have forgiven him completly, I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unfortunatley it is not the right thing for me. I am so very sad that I am so young and face the prospect of living life alone or never again recieving the sacraments. I have rediscovered my faith while pregnant and it is now a very big part of my life and now I fear it is going to be snatched as well as my marriage, right from under my nose.
 
purple_pixie said:
Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. I have continued to ask him to give our marriage another go, afterall it was not a bad marriage by any means. We continued to laugh, to make love, to take walks, eat nice meals, enjoy our son etc. before he dropped the bombshell. I have forgiven him completly, I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unfortunatley it is not the right thing for me. I am so very sad that I am so young and face the prospect of living life alone or never again recieving the sacraments. I have rediscovered my faith while pregnant and it is now a very big part of my life and now I fear it is going to be snatched as well as my marriage, right from under my nose.
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What is this, “I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing?” That is, excuse me for saying so, total GARBAGE! He took VOWS in front of God to love and honor you until death parts you, it’s not about him being “happy” but about him honoring those vows and being a MAN. From what you describe there was nothing much wrong with your marriage but perhaps your husband has been seeing some other woman on the side, it sure sounds like it. Whenever the phrase “I am not happy” comes up, it seems to be connected with “And she makes me happy,” meaning the woman he is cheating with.

Have you talked to your priest yet? It is my understanding that as long as you are not breaking your vows, you are still eligible for communion. If you were to get a civil divorce and start sleeping with/marrying/shacking up with a new partner, THEN you most certainly could not partake of Christ’s body and blood.
 
purple_pixie said:
Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. I have continued to ask him to give our marriage another go, afterall it was not a bad marriage by any means. We continued to laugh, to make love, to take walks, eat nice meals, enjoy our son etc. before he dropped the bombshell. I have forgiven him completly, I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unfortunatley it is not the right thing for me. I am so very sad that I am so young and face the prospect of living life alone or never again recieving the sacraments. I have rediscovered my faith while pregnant and it is now a very big part of my life and now I fear it is going to be snatched as well as my marriage, right from under my nose.
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Please do not turn the blame inward. If your husband does not want to honor his wedding vows then he is being the selfish one. Do not fear for what comes next because whatever it may be, it will be done by the Will Of God.

Remain faithful and God will show you infinite wonders. You will never be led into darkness where the source of light guides you.

God bless,
Joshua
 
purple_pixie said:
Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement. I have continued to ask him to give our marriage another go, afterall it was not a bad marriage by any means. We continued to laugh, to make love, to take walks, eat nice meals, enjoy our son etc. before he dropped the bombshell. I have forgiven him completly, I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing. Unfortunatley it is not the right thing for me. I am so very sad that I am so young and face the prospect of living life alone or never again recieving the sacraments. I have rediscovered my faith while pregnant and it is now a very big part of my life and now I fear it is going to be snatched as well as my marriage, right from under my nose.
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When a man has a son a lot of feelings that have been hidden for most of his life come out. The easiest way for men that do not know how to deal with feelings is to run away, not because it is the right thing to do but simply because it is really scary to stay and to grow up into a real man and father. The same way you rediscovered your faith after the birth of your son, your husband is rediscovering a lot of feelings especially hurtful ones. I firmly believe that there is hope for you but it will be really hard for him, unless he makes a conscious choice now, gets help and sticks to his family I doubt that he will ever grow up.
 
Cristiano said:
When a man has a son a lot of feelings that have been hidden for most of his life come out. The easiest way for men that do not know how to deal with feelings is to run away, not because it is the right thing to do but simply because it is really scary to stay and to grow up into a real man and father. The same way you rediscovered your faith after the birth of your son, your husband is rediscovering a lot of feelings especially hurtful ones. I firmly believe that there is hope for you but it will be really hard for him, unless he makes a conscious choice now, gets help and sticks to his family I doubt that he will ever grow up.
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👍:sad_yes:

A very wise post. For men who did not have a good relationship with a father or a father figure, this is a huge problem.
 
purple_pixie said:
I have forgiven him completly, I know I could not make him happy and he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing.
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I am glad you are already in a place where you can forgive.

You can’t make anyone happy. Happiness is a choice, one chooses to be happy with the things they have, to appreciate them. Happiness comes from within, not from outside. It was his responsibility when he took his vow to work on the marriage, to be happy as possible within the marriage while upholding his vows. Or uphold his vows even if he wasn’t happy.

His happiness wasn’t your responsibility. Your responsibility was to be a loyal wife, uphold your vows, and love him. Which you’ve done. It’s not your fault that he chooses to be unhappy. That he can’t appreciate and enjoy what he has.

Yeah, he is doing what he thinks is right, but it’s absolutely wrong.Not just you, but for him and his son as well. The example he’s setting, the challenges he’s setting for his son by being raised by a single parent.

It’s a case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But the problem is, if the grass on his side is brown because he wasn’t taking care of it, the grass on the other side is going to turn brown for the same reasons. He’s going to find himself repeating the same pattern, with more challenges because of the problems he’s left in his wake with a shattered family.

I think I mentioned earlier my ex did this to me and her children after 21 yrs of marriage. The kids were older (11,13 and 18) but it has shattered their respect/relationship with their mom. They don’t see her as being any happier.
 
I just found this post today. I wanted to send you hugs and prayers!!!
if this is totally out of character for your husband talk to a professional a councilor or priest who is willing to help you.
 
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Sounds like this is your very first, adult-sized cross. A warm welcome to the club. Everybody gets one sooner or later. It’s just a matter of whether they decide to embrace it as a way to love Him and follow Him, or run in the other direction while it still is attached to their ankle. Many people seem to be under this stupid impression that the faith, when followed, will make everything nice for us. Oh no nonononono. It’s not a sentimental pink cross above a baby’s crib. It’s blood, and guts, and grit.
Don’t forget, he says Grab your cross and follow in my footsteps…
This is your chance to love and serve Him in the most beautiful way, trust Him, let go of your husband, and plant the most beautiful seeds along the way. And if you want my personal opinion about the situation, heh heh, your husband is being a jerk. You need to let him know, in my opinion. Tell him you won’t take his **** and that he needs to get the hockeysticks OUT until he can be a man and grow up. Then you stand there and be a woman, and a mom, and don’t panic about the future. He is strong, so hold His hand.
 
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