My husband is having an emotional affair and it's killing me

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Pellehcim

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I have suspected for a few years now but was never able to put my finger on it. How do I know now? I did confront him a few times and even ‘left him’ once. Friends and family said no way and I went to a trusted psychic friend of my daughter (I know, I know) who told me he is not having an affair and I need to let it go if I want to keep him. When I came back to him (I was gone for a few days where he constantly called me) he told me I was being ridiculous and to stop thinking about it. So I did for a while.

So here are my reasons:
  • We have been married for over 35 years (married very young) so I do know him quite well. He works in a basic 9-5 job (not in an office) but a couple years ago he began going into work at night to check on things. He is only ever gone for at most two hours but its every night. Most of his family lives in a nearby city and since then he WILL NOT leave our home city over night even to visit his aging mother. He must be back in town to ‘check on things’ at work by that night – even on his days off.
  • Though his company cell phone is password protected, he is very protective of it, he carries it around with him wherever he goes in the house. When he has a problem with it, he will ask me but will never let me actually look at it (turns it to the side away from me). He is very quick to turn it off when we are together unless he is on-call. Even then his phone is never more than a couple inches from his body ALWAYS.
  • For those times outside the 9-5 that I call him, it is rare that he will answer directly. It will ring to voice mail then he will call me back two minutes later. When he goes out on his days off, he often comes home with food or snacks from a specialty mall (I believe he went shopping and for lunch with her as he mentions he has been to that mall). Over the last several months he will not go into that store together with me (he knows the person that runs it).
So what has pushed me over the edge today? He often takes naps after work. I walked into the bedroom yesterday quietly so as not to disturb him only to find him talking on his phone under the blankets. I stood there for almost a minute before he realized I was there. He then raised his voice slightly to the person on the phone and changed his tone to sound matter of fact, then said goodbye. Then he made a second call to one of his male coworkers saying there was a problem with a boiler at work. Yes he could have been talking under the covers because the phone rang and he was sleeping I suppose. I need to point out here that my husband and I are of different nationalities so I did not understand what he was saying on either call. I didn’t confront him at that moment (just kept it all inside). It probably would have been best if I did ask him right then but our adult son was in the other room and I didn’t want to upset him as he is going through a big breakup right now.

So there it is. I do believe my husband and I are sole mates, put together by God. We have been together most of our lives. When we are at work, we usually talk on the phone throughout the day. We know each other’s mannerisms and moods very well. His father put them all through great pain with all his affairs, never being at home when they needed him, so I think he may believe he isn’t having an affair if they are ‘just friends’. We are so intertwined that this is eating away at me. Since that ‘secret’ phone call, I can barely function. This is truly killing me. I need to go back to work in one day but I don’t know if I am even capable at this point. Am I over reacting?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
It sounds like you’ve seen enough red flags that it’s quite possible and should be looked into further. I’d suggest hiring a private detective and you’ll know for sure within a few weeks.

You’ll then have solid proof (either that he is, or hopefully that you’re wrong) and you can decide what to do from there. It’s hard to make any kind of decisions when you have only conjecture and no solid evidence.

Good luck!
 
Thank you both for your quick replies. It helps to have the perspective of others. Yes I will hire a private detective to find out once and for all. The trick will be to figure out how to function until I know. This has wiped me out completely both physically and emotionally.

And yes I will go to confession to rid myself of anything unwanted.
 
Just curious. Have you actually told your husband, open and honestly, all the things you just posted here? Your fears will be debilitating until you resolve them.

With social media, and technology being what it is, these situations are far more common than one would believe. Based on seeing these incidences with friends and families, my husband and I agree that any cell phone passwords, or emails, or websites, are all open on both our devices for each to see at anytime. We communicate with each other openly about any behavior that may make the other uncomfortable, for any reason. And we both see this as an important part of respecting each other’s feelings.

Unless the two of you can establish open, honest communication between each other; this situation will only worsen. If he is cheating (emotionally or otherwise) he will not stop until he is faced with the realization of the situation and potentially losing something very important. On the other hand, if this is a cultural behavior (since you said you are different nationalities) you still need to discuss the cultural aspect of his behavior too.

Our spouse should make us feel loved and accepted, not fearful and rejected. I hope this helps. I will be praying for you. Peace be with you.
 
As for dealing with your fears & feelings, and trying to function until you get some answers, I offer two pieces of advice.
  1. Hold your arms out in front of you, palms up, hands open. Tell God in prayer that you will receive from Him whatever He wills; and you will allow Him to take away what He wills. This is not easy because our fears well up; we realize we don’t “really” want to surrender all to Him. But please do it; even if you don’t mean it at first, eventually you will. God really is in control. Surrendering to Him is a great act of courage, humility, and the source of so many blessings.
  2. Spend time really pondering this passage:
    1Th 5:16 Rejoice always.
    1Th 5:17 Pray without ceasing.
    1Th 5:18 In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.
God bless you, and I am praying for you.
 
Pellehcim said:
Thank you both for your quick replies. It helps to have the perspective of others. Yes I will hire a private detective to find out once and for all. The trick will be to figure out how to function until I know. This has wiped me out completely both physically and emotionally.

And yes I will go to confession to rid myself of anything unwanted.
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I don’t know that a private detective is a good idea. How about, “What are you hiding? Don’t try to gaslight me. I am not stupid. We’ve been together long enough, I know when you are hiding something.” If he says he does not know what you are talking about and he is not hiding anything, then enumerate all the ways in which he is secretive and the ways in which his behavior has changed. Point out that you have no secrets from him: not what your passwords are, not who you talk to, not what money you spend, not where you go, not what you do. You can be honest: This shutting you out he has been doing is killing you, because you love him and want to feel he loves you and wants to include you in his life, and even if he were sneaking around to hide some totally innocent hobby, it wouldn’t matter. He’s still treating you as if you are the enemy, the police, and not someone he trusts as you trust him.

I have one other question, too. Does he attend to his looks before he goes to “check on things at work”? If he does not, it is more likely that he is hiding something other than the thing you fear the most. If he does, I would not assume that he is only rationalizing an emotional affair. Men with fathers who cheated on their mothers have had their ability to believe in the possibility of their own self-mastery and their own ability to be faithful very gravely attacked. He is vulnerable to that temptation, whether he admits it or not, just as parents who were constantly yelled at as children are more vulnerable to replaying the scripts of their childhood and yelling at their own children. It is just the way human beings are wired.
 
I think you need more and better advice that is available here online. The one thing that I do think is good advice is to go to your priest and to go to confession. I wish you peace and prayers.
 
Pellehcim said:
I have suspected for a few years now but was never able to put my finger on it. How do I know now? I did confront him a few times and even ‘left him’ once. Friends and family said no way and I went to a trusted psychic friend of my daughter (I know, I know) who told me he is not having an affair and I need to let it go if I want to keep him. When I came back to him (I was gone for a few days where he constantly called me) he told me I was being ridiculous and to stop thinking about it. So I did for a while.

So here are my reasons:
  • We have been married for over 35 years (married very young) so I do know him quite well. He works in a basic 9-5 job (not in an office) but a couple years ago he began going into work at night to check on things. He is only ever gone for at most two hours but its every night. Most of his family lives in a nearby city and since then he WILL NOT leave our home city over night even to visit his aging mother. He must be back in town to ‘check on things’ at work by that night – even on his days off.
  • Though his company cell phone is password protected, he is very protective of it, he carries it around with him wherever he goes in the house. When he has a problem with it, he will ask me but will never let me actually look at it (turns it to the side away from me). He is very quick to turn it off when we are together unless he is on-call. Even then his phone is never more than a couple inches from his body ALWAYS.
  • For those times outside the 9-5 that I call him, it is rare that he will answer directly. It will ring to voice mail then he will call me back two minutes later. When he goes out on his days off, he often comes home with food or snacks from a specialty mall (I believe he went shopping and for lunch with her as he mentions he has been to that mall). Over the last several months he will not go into that store together with me (he knows the person that runs it).
So what has pushed me over the edge today? He often takes naps after work. I walked into the bedroom yesterday quietly so as not to disturb him only to find him talking on his phone under the blankets. I stood there for almost a minute before he realized I was there. He then raised his voice slightly to the person on the phone and changed his tone to sound matter of fact, then said goodbye. Then he made a second call to one of his male coworkers saying there was a problem with a boiler at work. Yes he could have been talking under the covers because the phone rang and he was sleeping I suppose. I need to point out here that my husband and I are of different nationalities so I did not understand what he was saying on either call. I didn’t confront him at that moment (just kept it all inside). It probably would have been best if I did ask him right then but our adult son was in the other room and I didn’t want to upset him as he is going through a big breakup right now.

So there it is. I do believe my husband and I are sole mates, put together by God. We have been together most of our lives. When we are at work, we usually talk on the phone throughout the day. We know each other’s mannerisms and moods very well. His father put them all through great pain with all his affairs, never being at home when they needed him, so I think he may believe he isn’t having an affair if they are ‘just friends’. We are so intertwined that this is eating away at me. Since that ‘secret’ phone call, I can barely function. This is truly killing me. I need to go back to work in one day but I don’t know if I am even capable at this point. Am I over reacting?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Praying for you and your husband. Perhaps this is what is needed: your prayers for your husband and your marriage. Personally, my wife prayed decades for me to return to the Church and despite my very stubborn resistance, her prayers worked. God is good though we don’t know why “bad” things happen to us. Be faithful, join your suffering to Christ on the cross, and continue your prayers. May God grant you peace to accept the situation you’re in, the strength to endure, and the love to make your marriage whole again in God’s time.
 
Dacinom said:
I am sorry you are going through this, please be assured of my prayers.

You need to know the truth, as upsetting as it may be you need to know the truth. Ask your husband to go see your parish priest or deacon with you. You cannot live like this, hopefully your husband is willing to stop what he is doing and work on your marriage.

As an aside: I would urge you to go to confession. When you visited a psychic, you could have inadvertently invited something diabolical or demonic into your life. You need to be rid of it, it will make things much worse for you. Please take care as best as you can.
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Going to a psychic is a mortal sin,
Jesus says in the Bible, “No diviner, fortune tellers, psychics, witches, magicians, shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they will be thrown into the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Who tells the psychics information? Satan does, and evil spirits

Satan may have lied to you through her to break up your marriage

You have broken the second commandment “Thought shalt not have strange God’s before me.”
All fortune telling was forbidden by God in the Bible,
You need to confess this.
In the deliverance ministry many people who have gone to fortune tellers or psychics end up possessed or oppressed by evil spirits, and need to confess this.

Don’t believe satan lying to you through a psychic.

It is also possible that satan told you the truth through the psychic because he knows what damage it would do to your marriage.

You need to confess.
Then be faithful to your husband while you discover whether it is true or false.
 
Anything stopping you from going to work with him on one of those night check-ups? Or following along behind? I mean I don’t understand why you don’t just ask him anyway. Just tell him you’re weirded out by him having to check up on work all the time. Tell him you think his company’s taking advantage of him in that.

Of course the other thing that should make this all pretty plain is that you should be able to tell by his paycheck if these extra 2 hours a day have been added on right? I don’t know.
 
Pellehcim said:
Thank you both for your quick replies. It helps to have the perspective of others. Yes I will hire a private detective to find out once and for all. The trick will be to figure out how to function until I know. This has wiped me out completely both physically and emotionally.

And yes I will go to confession to rid myself of anything unwanted.
Click to expand...
I don’t support the recommendation to hire a private detective. Just because he may be doing something without telling you, that does not mean it’s a good idea for you to do the same. How would you feel if he hired someone to check up on you?

I don’t minimize the difficulty of your situation, just saying that it is more likely he will figure out he is being tailed, than that the private eye will find out information useful for your actions.
 
My Prayers for you that is a difficult situation to be in to be sure … What you have is alof of speculation however, not any real proof so to speak

I think what you need to do is sit down with him and have a frank conversation ask him again point blank "Are you having an affair ? This is a chance to come clean " You deserve to know the truth one way or another and I would hope that he will respect you enough to give you that

God bless
 
Wampa said:
It sounds like you’ve seen enough red flags that it’s quite possible and should be looked into further. I’d suggest hiring a private detective and you’ll know for sure within a few weeks.

You’ll then have solid proof (either that he is, or hopefully that you’re wrong) and you can decide what to do from there. It’s hard to make any kind of decisions when you have only conjecture and no solid evidence.

Good luck!
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I agree with the private detective suggestion…I wouldn’t normally suggest it…but you sound tortured and you need to know for sure what is going on and whether there is any affair going on so you can decide what to do next
 
How are your finances?

The reason I ask is he would be able to visit his mom if he was having an affair-whats one less meeting–he could skip one.

If he was moonlighting-he woiuld not. He may be embarrassed by it.

I would ask if he was moonlighting.
 
crystal_waters said:
I agree with the private detective suggestion…I wouldn’t normally suggest it…but you sound tortured and you need to know for sure what is going on and whether there is any affair going on so you can decide what to do next
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A lot of spouses will take a private detective as a huge affront, even if they totally deserve such a lack of trust that their spouse is wiling to spend a substantial sum to pay a total stranger to spy on them. Private detectives are for people you aren’t concerned about upsetting, insulting, or giving a pretext to come unglued. (As in, if you are prepared to separate with the bond remaining and believe your spouse is going to cheat you out of a just division of assets or expose your children to a totally unacceptable situation behind your back.)
 
Thank you all for your advice, comments, kind words and prayers. Yes I have had more than one open and honest conversation with him about my worries. He tells me he is just trying to get ahead at work, to get extra work done and keep things running smoothly, that he takes pride in his work and enjoys receiving praise from his boss. He doesn’t clock in so there isn’t anything to show on his paycheck. I did see a copy of his performance review a couple weeks ago that specifically states “he goes above and beyond by even going into work at night” so I know he does at least go into work some of the time. And no he doesn’t really check himself any more than he has always done before going into work at night. He has actually gained a bit of weight lately which he doesn’t seem too concerned about.

In my previous job held for over seven years, I was a workaholic and in hindsight, quite controlling in my home life. I lost that job and was unemployed for over a year which really changed me (for the better we both agreed). I am now employed again thanks to the blessing of God. I have always made roughly double his salary which I thought didn’t matter. Looking back, I could even say that this might have all been quite demeaning for him so I’m wondering (certainly NOT defending) if what he is protecting is control of his own life (and his manhood?).

I do have to say that since our sort of break up several months ago he is much more attentive but the behaviors I worry about certainly still exist. He tells me he isn’t hiding anything from me, that he just goes to work and comes home to me, and that he does go out and for lunch with his coworkers occasionally.

My dilemma is that if I push too hard and I’m wrong I WILL push him away. If I’m right though, we can work through it. But what is IT that we need to work through is the problem.
 
MaryHelp777 said:
Going to a psychic is a mortal sin,
Jesus says in the Bible, “No diviner, fortune tellers, psychics, witches, magicians, shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they will be thrown into the outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Who tells the psychics information? Satan does, and evil spirits

Satan may have lied to you through her to break up your marriage

You have broken the second commandment “Thought shalt not have strange God’s before me.”
All fortune telling was forbidden by God in the Bible,
You need to confess this.
In the deliverance ministry many people who have gone to fortune tellers or psychics end up possessed or oppressed by evil spirits, and need to confess this.

Don’t believe satan lying to you through a psychic.

It is also possible that satan told you the truth through the psychic because he knows what damage it would do to your marriage.

You need to confess.
Then be faithful to your husband while you discover whether it is true or false.
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She knows she did wrong. My guess is that real psychics are very rare. She most likely just went to a fraud who makes a living making up stuff to tell gullible people. Still a sin, but I think it is just important to point of most psychics are not really getting info from satan, they are just con people, frauds, liars, swindlers, ect.
 
…BTW I have been told that he does have a good friend that is female. He had another one many years ago but she moved away for a job. Someone once told me that given the problems with his father when he was young, his may have a tendency to befriend females more so than males. I think he has both. I believe that he should not have a connection with any woman other than his spouse, especially if he spends so much time with her. Before he had a company cell phone, there were many calls on his personal phone to one number every day and night. I called it and a woman answered. When I confronted him, he told me it was the girlfriend of one of his coworkers but in many other conversations I have had with him, he told me he didn’t really like that person so why so many calls to that number was my question. He got very angry and stormed off. That was one of the reasons for the initial break up.
 
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