My husband is leaving me

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Lost_wife_mom

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He came home last night & told me that he is not willing to work on our marriage. He does not want to seperate he just wants a divorce. He said something about never loving me & just going along because I was so controlling. Come on. Find another excuse. I know that I am controlling but I did not control his mind. We had two children together. When I married him, I married him because he was smart, funny, & had a mind of his own. If I was so powerful with my controlling & manipulative ways you would think I would have some cult following. 😉
I am mad, I am hurt. I just don’t know what to do.
I am a stay at home mother. I did not finish my degree because we had our boys & he & I both decided it was best for me to stay home & raise our children. But according to him it is my own fault I did not finish my degree. That he just let me stay at home because it was what I wanted & he was just making me happy.
This is all so screwed up to me.
I now have to find a job that will support my children & I. Find some kind of childcare for them.
He commented that it really sucks when the gravy train runs out. He expects my family to take care of me now. I just do not understand what he is thinking.
I do not want to stay with someone who claims to have never loved me, but at the same time I find that hard to believe. I also do not want to give up on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work.
I am just praying that the Lord will give me strength & guidance.
Hopelessly Lost,
Emily
 
I think he’s having an affair. I know he said he wasn’t, but his credibility isn’t the best right now. From what you’ve told us, he’s giving all the signs of having one. I’d start looking into it. I know spying on him isn’t the ideal situation, but if he is you need to know about it. Having an affair adds a whole other element to the situation.

If he wants to move out, you have to let him. You can’t force him to stay and you can’t force him to work on the marriage if he doesn’t want to.

If a divorce is immenent (sp?) then you should talk to someone in your diocese about getting an annulment. If he claims he never loved you, there might be acceptible grounds for one.

We’ll keep you in our prayers. And don’t give up hope-Our God is the God of Miracles!

Scout :tiphat:
 

He commented that it really sucks when the gravy train runs out. He expects my family to take care of me now. I just do not understand what he is thinking.​

Actually, an attorney can explain to him that he WILL pay child support and MAY need to pay alimony. So, in a nutshell his problems are just beginning.
I suggest you get an attorney and explain this to him and take him to the cleaners. Also, tell him HE can leave the house while you decide how you will handle the attorney etc.
In the meantime, I suggest you check out ALL the displaced homemaker programs in your community. Your local community college may have the information on that.
 
great advice, Lily of the Valley.

i would also consider consulting a canon lawyer. in the divorce of Bud and Bai McFarlane, Bai is claiming that Bud reneged on their de facto pre-nuptial agreement because by marrying in the Church and agreeing to uphold the covenant of their marriage, he broke that when moved out without first consulting a church authority in the diocese.

if you aren’t interested in pursuing that route–there aren’t any court decisions yet on that claim–definitely retain a lawyer, asap–get on the phone, tomorrow, by 9am, looking. you WILL receive child support and alimony, despite how much your husband wants to pretend he’s washing his hands of you.

i would also tell your lawyer AS SOON AS POSSIBLE that you want to FREEZE ALL YOUR ASSETS. this is so important. you do not want him filtering money into a private account so that he can use it solely for his “new life.” OR selling valuable things for cash and pocketing the value. half of everything is yours!
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He came home last night & told me that he is not willing to work on our marriage. He does not want to seperate he just wants a divorce. He said something about never loving me & just going along because I was so controlling.
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Emily, I will pray for you. My sister went through this very scenario. It was very difficult and she did not have the children. However, he(your husband) is trying to rewrite history to help his own guilt. I was angry when my exbrother-in-law put my sister through that. It is a form a torture. Don’t fall for that for it will only make you ineffective in your life. This is usually done when the other partner has had an affair. He will find every one of your faults and highlight it.

Try to not let this beat you down. You are a good person and a mom. Your children will need all of you- not a beaten down you.

However, you can choose to forgive and to try to remember your relationship for the good times. Here is why I say this. I have two reasons:
  1. Some of those relationships that they turn to (affairs) are not lasting. You might be faced with another decision some day to really repair your relationship.
  2. Hatred will eat you up and make it more difficult to take care of the children and for you to share the children’s lives with your husband.
I have one final piece of advice that is premature at this point since you are just now finding out what he wants. If this does lead to divorce, please pursue the annulment. My sister did and we all wondered at the time if it was really necessary. It turns out that it was necessary for her future. She is now happily married to another Catholic and it was his first marriage. She is able to completely practice her faith.

I will pray Emily for your whole family. Believe it or not your husband needs prayers too. He is making a big mistake to not work on his marriage with a willing marriage partner and children. Lean on God. This will be one of the times He will help carry you. Just ask Him every day to help you through.
 
Hi there, I don’t have any new advice, but wanted to say you are in my prayers and that I agree with everyone who said to get legal help now. I know you feel sorry for your mistakes of the past, but you were and are willing to work on them and that is more than he is willing to do. Don’t let any guilt you might feel stop you from doing what is right for you and the children now. You are entitled to support and nothing you have done excuses his behavior now.

Hang in there,
Nicole
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He came home last night …

Hopelessly Lost,
Emily
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Dear Emily,

Wow! So much advise on how to reach for that little handle and flush!

I feel for you. I have a sister who really is controlling. She is working on her third marriage with kids from both prior marriages. And things aren’t going well for her marriage right now.

I would suggest that “last night” is still too recent to require preemptive action at this point.

Take a few deep breaths, try to walk off your anger and then come back and gently, with all Christian charity, try to pin him down on specifics about his complaints.
You may find out that he has some small justification for his feelings if not for his actions. Even if he is totally unjustified, you may find that his complaints are something that you can deal with, within the range of reasonable compromise or negotiation.

Play it by ear. You are there, we are not. One of my sister’s big mistakes, in my oppinion, was that she would take all of her problems to work and consult with her “cronnies” there. People who wouldn’t have to live with the results of her actions, who had no qualifications to give any useful counsel on the matter and, often, were working on ruining their own third marriage.

Get qualified help locally. People who can make direct contact with both parties and actually have a chance of forming a valid and useful oppinion on how you should handle it.

Move with caution and much prayer. I don’t think there can be many things worse than waking up one day and realising that most of your life is behind you and when you look back on it all you see is ruin and waste.
It sounds like it is still early in your life. Now is the time to get a grip on how this thing plays out. There is no reset button!

I pray the Love of God resides in your heart always.

I will be interested in following this thread in the days that come and I’ll be praying for the best.

God bless,
FranL
 
Lost_wife_mom

Fran gave you the best advice. Be very careful with your actions and words in your emotionally charged state. You need a little time before you can approach this situation rationally.

Read her advice again. It’s very wise.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
Sue
 
Detroit Sue and Fran, this lady should secure her assets and position ASAP. Consulting an attorney is the only reasonable thing to do when a man tells his wife, “…the gravy train ran out…” AND '…he never loved her…".
He is either having an affair or is in a mid life crisis. This “controling” accusation is simply to take the heat off of his own behavior and actions.
 
Detroit Sue:
Lost_wife_mom

Fran gave you the best advice. …

Read her advice again. It’s very wise.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
Sue
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That’s Mr. Fran to you!

Hey, just like a blind hog occasionally finds a chestnut, us guys get it right sometimes too!

God bless,
  • FranL
 
The only advice I have, is to get an attorney to protect you and your children. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and put a prayer card in for you at my church. There will be people praying for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,

:blessyou:
Annie
 
Dear friend

I am very sorry to hear about this. I will write a more thought out post and more detailed. I have to go out presently, but I used to work for a firm of solicitors and appointments were made to consult a divorce lawyer and before the appointment came, 9 times out of 10 that appointment was cancelled due to them deciding not to divorce, it is early days, but like the others have said, make sure you know your rights just in case.

I will post later on today again on this thread.

God Bless you and keep you, much love to you and all of your family. You are all in my prayers.

Teresa xxxx
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He commented that it really sucks when the gravy train runs out. He expects my family to take care of me now. I just do not understand what he is thinking.
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Yeah, well, it sucks even worse when a man’s integrity runs out.

Did he not make a public promise before you, and God if in a church, to stay with you?

IMO, if a man’s word is no good, then there isn’t much left of value. He should be held to his word, and if he refuses to honor his promises, even for the sake of the children, then he should be forced to pay dearly if he won’t voluntarily – and remember how much promises mean to him.

When my wife and I married we agreed that we would never separate. That has worked extremely well for nearly 20 years. There was one time when she was going through a rough period and asked what I would do if she wanted a divorce? I told her I would get the most vicious lawyer I could, contest the divorce, and if it couldn’t be avoided, go for complete custody of the kids no matter what I had to reveal about her. She was shocked I talked to her this way, but then she realized that I would never do all that because she would never leave me.

I don’t know how much all this helps, but as you have said he really hasn’t given much of a reason. If he isn’t having an affair, it may be that he is feeling overwhelmed or that his life is boring or otherwise having a “midlife crisis.” Perhaps he needs to remember the part about “for better or for worse.”
I do not want to stay with someone who claims to have never loved me, but at the same time I find that hard to believe. I also do not want to give up on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work.
I am just praying that the Lord will give me strength & guidance.
Hopelessly Lost,
Emily
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What does he have to say about the fact that he undoubtedly swore to you many times over how much he loved you in the past? What was that? Did his word mean nothing then – or does it mean nothing now?

I know I am speaking harshly of the man’s behavior, but I do believe in miracles, and I do believe men can grow up. If he’s having an affair, then I have no clue what to tell you. Otherwise, I’d say don’t give him an inch toward leaving.

The Bible says that if you become a believer and the other spouse is a non-believer, then it is the spouse’s option whether to stay or leave, and you should allow him/her either choice. If this doesn’t apply to you, I say don’t let him off the hook unless you are convinced he can’t be fixed.

Alan
 
He says that he never loved me he just stayed with me because I was so controlling. Basically he is admitting he is a wimp. Before we met he had lost his mother 2 yrs before & his father a month before we met. he contends that he was just looking for love & some one to take care of him. If I was so controlling that he stayed with me for 9 yrs & created two children, then I must be a pretty powerful woman. He just turned 30, took a really good position with lost of earning potential & I think he is reevaluating his life. Anything to make him feel better about himself & his life.

Thanks,

Emily
 
Dear friend

The guilty usually cannot carry their guilt and therefore try to push the owness onto another. This is what your husband is doing, personally I wouldn’t like to speculate on whether he is having an affair or not, more than likely he is not, either way he feels guilty for leaving you, so he is blaming you, it’s much easier to blame you than blame himself for the breakdown of your marriage as he sees it. Sometimes when a man goes through issues, they rather than be a man and work it out with their spouse, run like a scared cat, run as far as they can from the problem, because this is also easier.

When a marriage breaksdown, it is because both parties have failed in some way. Neither is totally blameless, but one sometimes is more to blame than the other, none though are without fault.

Assess what may have been your fault and try and discuss this with him, if he sees you are willing to hold your hands up to your failings in the marriage, he may well then be open to do the same, if nothing else, his guilt and conscience will drive him to do this if you make the first step to this, then, dear friend equipped with the facts, as presently your husband has given you NO facts, just excuses, you can best decide how to go on from there. BUT rushing to a law court is never the best advice, don’t forget lawyers will be all too happy to divorce you, this is their living and I can speak from first hand experience, I worked in a law firm, they are not into marriage guidance they are there at the end when nothing more can be done and just divorce you, split your assets, work out maintenance and your alimoney and make the bucks! ( I worked in Personal Injury but spent sometime in Family law…This is one of the reasons I left law)

You may also, hard though this may be, try and compliment your husband on how you have always found him a quiet and gentle man, a rational and decisive man and how you have always trusted his judgement, ask him to help you whether you spilt up or not, his actions are so far from being manly, that I think he doesn’t feel like a man who has a wife and children to protect and care for. Let him make some decisions, (not with respect to who has the kids and what happens with money and assets) but in respect of your personal life, what he feels and thinks. Express your love for him , but do not let him think he holds an upper hand emotionally, say you love him enough to let him go, you only want his happiness and you hope that he wants the same for you.

Please don’t let your anger and hurt cloud this as all too often when we love someone this happens, we get defensive of our own hearts and in doing so, can lose everything. Retain your dignity of course, that goes without saying, but if you make every best effort yourself to resolve this and he meets you half way then maybe this is not as bad as it could be , but if he doesn’t meet you half way, then you can with a pure heart and clean conscience say you did everything in your power to save your marriage without losing your God given dignity as a human being. Any relationship is to further your union with God, be it a friend or a spouse…therefore see this trial you have come to bear as this and see how best you can please God in this, this will also lead to the best outcome for you and your husband, regardless of his actions, because his actions you cannot control. xxxx

I will keep you in my prayers and offer my communion for you tomorrow at Mass.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He says that he never loved me he just stayed with me because I was so controlling. Basically he is admitting he is a wimp. Before we met he had lost his mother 2 yrs before & his father a month before we met. he contends that he was just looking for love & some one to take care of him. If I was so controlling that he stayed with me for 9 yrs & created two children, then I must be a pretty powerful woman. He just turned 30, took a really good position with lost of earning potential & I think he is reevaluating his life. Anything to make him feel better about himself & his life.
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Dear Emily,

This reminds me a great deal of a movie that my wife Julie just rented from the library called “Family Man.” It has to do with a guy who chooses between having a family and being “poor” and being an incredibly rich single person. It’s a romance-comedy sort of thing. We enjoyed it, especially since we are in bad finanancial situation now and Julie occasionally laments “gee what you could have become if you had not met me.”

I’d tell you more but I don’t want to ruin it in case you might want to watch it. US Bishops thought it was lame, I guess, but what do you expect a bunch of macho bishops to say about a “chick flick?”

Alan
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He says that he never loved me he just stayed with me because I was so controlling. Basically he is admitting he is a wimp. Before we met he had lost his mother 2 yrs before & his father a month before we met. he contends that he was just looking for love & some one to take care of him. If I was so controlling that he stayed with me for 9 yrs & created two children, then I must be a pretty powerful woman. He just turned 30, took a really good position with lost of earning potential & I think he is reevaluating his life. Anything to make him feel better about himself & his life.

Thanks,

Emily
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Emily,
PRAY and we will pray for you.
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He says that he never loved me he just stayed with me because I was so controlling.
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When people rewrite their history, this is guilt talking. He is rationalizing. Many women try to control and many men do also. This can happen in marriage, but it can be workout out too if both partners are willing. I will continue to pray for your family.
 
Emily,

I will be certainly have you in my prayers.

Let me throw in my :twocents:

Try to control your anger. It will take you down if you are not careful. I have dealt with some anger in my life and it was due to the mistakes I have made in my life.

Your life right now will be changing FAST.
I would advise that you get the time to sit with our Lord in Eucharist Adoration as often as possible. Let your heart speak to our Lord for comfort, support, and guidance.
Do your children know what Eucharist Adoration is, they may need to be trusting in the Lord too!

I would also suggest to start journaling. If your husband wants to ‘re-write’ your marriage, you need to have your thoughts and state of mind in the best working condition as possible.

Can I ask, how old are your children?
This may play a big factor for you. If the children are still too small for school or not old enough to be responsibile for themselves, then your parents, grandparents, uncles/aunts will need to help you out for a while. I hope your family is close, not just geographical but personally.
Are you close to your husband’s side of the family. Hope so. There could be a rough road ahead if they take his side. Since your husband says you are ‘controlling’ this could be a point against you in his family’s eyes.

Take all the legal and financial advise given here, but Please do not leave our Lord out of the WHOLE process. Our Lord hates divorce but if you’re husband’s heart was not in it to begin with, then he will get his when it’s time for him to meet our Lord.
Emily, don’t be revengeful, let the Lord take care of your husband.

go with God!
Edwin
 
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