My husband is leaving me

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Edwin1961:
Your life right now will be changing FAST.
I would advise that you get the time to sit with our Lord in Eucharist Adoration as often as possible. Let your heart speak to our Lord for comfort, support, and guidance.
Do your children know what Eucharist Adoration is, they may need to be trusting in the Lord too!

I would also suggest to start journaling. If your husband wants to ‘re-write’ your marriage, you need to have your thoughts and state of mind in the best working condition as possible.
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Emily, Edwin gave some great advice. I have spent this past year being angry at the 2 men in my life, my ex-husband and the man I love. The only way I have found true peace, forgiveness and joy this year is by the grace of God from frequent mass and Adoration.

Sit before God and take your kids with you - no matter the age. Take this oportunity while you are not working to spend as much time with Jesus. He will take away your anger and bring healing, peace and joy back into your lives.

I will pray for you at mass and Adoration.
Open your heart to Jesus.
 
Wow, I’m not in favor of grabbing the material wealth.

Frankly, if I was in your situation I would let my spouse walk away with every nickel. Neither I nor my spouse can take it to heaven.

You have two courses of action you can take. Do whatever you can to save the marriage (remember, it ain’t dead until one of you are dead), or do whatever you can to protect your own selfish interests.

As a spouse you have to be committed 100% to keeping the marriage healthy, even if your partner fails in his commitment. Refraining from legal action shows this commitment. Calling lawyers will only anger your husband and sever communications further. Taking that risk that he might siphon away all the assets makes a powerful statement about how committed you are to the marriage.

And as an anecdote, I had a protestant friend who went through a divorce. The first legal proceding he really got nailed as his wife made him out to be a real lousy father/husband. But he at least retained some contact with the kids, and some of the wealth. His wife was not satisfied, she was so psychotic and vindictive she took him to court to make him hurt some more, this time things worked out a little more in his favor. My friend and his lawyer quickly figured out that they could just give her all the rope she wanted and she hung herself so-to-speak. Each time she took him to court, he walked away with a better deal, which infuriated her even more. It gradually became evident to the judges that this woman was sick, and the process kept up. I think he gets most of the custody now.
 
I would check out the material by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I think her books are called Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. Her books are not written from a Catholic or Christian perspective, but from a very pro-marriage perspective (and have a unspoken Christian theme within them). She believes that nearly any marriage can be saved, no matter how dire the situation appears. She specifically addresses the situation when a spouse says “I love you but not in love with you” and gives practical advice of how to bring about change when only one person wants to save the marriage.

She has a website www.divorcebusting.com

Our prayers are with you. These types of situations can be extremely emotionally draining and sometimes despairing. Know that you are not alone in your situation, and that this is the time Jesus will carry you if you let him. Take care of yourself and your children the best you can while being loving and being Christ to your husband.
peace
 
Emily,

You and your children are in my prayers, too. Please take your fears and your confusion before the Blessed Sacrament. Spend time with our Lord if only to sit and cry.

Please, please, please take the advise of those who told you to get a lawyer and protect your finances immediately. While you are working your way though this situation, learning to deal with emotions and just trying to face tomorrow, you and your children need that protection. Your husband, whose Christian role is to love you as Christ loved the Church, doesn’t sound like he can be trusted. While with time you need to forgive from the heart, at present you need to think with your head. Your brain is also a gift from God as is prudence. You can continue to talk with your husband to get to the bottom of this but some things can’t be trusted to his good will.

God bless you.
Joanna
 
i will pray for you. my mom is going through the same thing after 29 years.
 

Frankly, if I was in your situation I would let my spouse walk away with every nickel. Neither I nor my spouse can take it to heaven.​

So, how should she support her children? With air?
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He came home last night & told me that he is not willing to work on our marriage. He does not want to seperate he just wants a divorce. He said something about never loving me & just going along because I was so controlling. Come on. Find another excuse. I know that I am controlling but I did not control his mind. We had two children together. When I married him, I married him because he was smart, funny, & had a mind of his own. If I was so powerful with my controlling & manipulative ways you would think I would have some cult following. 😉
I am mad, I am hurt. I just don’t know what to do.
I am a stay at home mother. I did not finish my degree because we had our boys & he & I both decided it was best for me to stay home & raise our children. But according to him it is my own fault I did not finish my degree. That he just let me stay at home because it was what I wanted & he was just making me happy.
This is all so screwed up to me.
I now have to find a job that will support my children & I. Find some kind of childcare for them.
He commented that it really sucks when the gravy train runs out. He expects my family to take care of me now. I just do not understand what he is thinking.
I do not want to stay with someone who claims to have never loved me, but at the same time I find that hard to believe. I also do not want to give up on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work.
I am just praying that the Lord will give me strength & guidance.
Hopelessly Lost,
Emily
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I don’t want to attack your husband, but he sounds like a jerk. He should support you and your kids. He walks out on you and your kids, he should still give you money to survive.

I hope that every thing turns out well and I offer love, that you know you have family and friends.

I will pray that all goes well for you.
 
Dear Emily,
Code: 
    i am terribly sorry to hear about you and your husband. i come from divorced parents and its very hard on the kids. however its not impossible. the only advice i can give you for your childs sake is never ever play them against him. and never ever talk bad about him in front of them. its hard enough without having to "choose" between your own parents. i hope your husband changes his mind. maybe a retreat like that marriage encounter. refuse to give him a divorce until he tries it, if you want things to work out. if not, find happiness within yourself, you CAN do it. God blessed women with a maternal instinct to protect and provide for their children at all costs.
i will pray for you. God bless you and your family.
 
So, how should she support her children? With air?
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If my spouse walked out, leaving me with the kids, I don’t care if I had to dumpster-dive and live in a cardboard box. I would still cling to that one thread of hope. You freeze the assets, and you all but sealed his convictions.

This woman came to this board with an “all my fault” attitude. That was her strongest asset. Think about it, if it’s your fault, then you can change it. If it’s the other person’s fault, you’re helpless.

In reality, it takes two to tango. But her husband is not the one addressing this board. Unfortunately we have no way of reaching him, which is probably good for him and me, 'cause I’d kick his sorry…
 
Lost_wife_mom,

As soon as I started to read your first post - I thought of your children.

I know you are so hurt, that you may feel paralysed, but you have to move!

1st. You must seek an attorney, from my experience you will find a female attorney tougher on negotiating for you. You must protect your children.
2ed. You need to pray on your knees. Ask for health, strength, faith, calmness and wisdom.

I am so sorry that this has happened. It may take years before you forgive him. But when you do forgive him, peace will come to you. I will pray for your situation.
JMJ
 
Good grief! I am shocked at how little evidence we need to make conclusions of this man’s guilt. So far any evidence of an affair is extremely thin, yet we’ve darn near convicted the man of it.

He’s feels used for his paycheck. Doesn’t surprise me.

From what I see this man’s biggest offense is being male. Automatically guilty, because you know, all men are bad.

On the other hand we have an all-out admission that this woman was excessively controlling. Yet we’re dismissing that and telling her to go soak the jerk for all she can.

I wonder how we would respond to a thread title “I killed my husband!”

“What a big jerk! I can’t imagine how terrible he was to deserve a thing like that!”😦
 
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Lost_wife_mom:
He says that he never loved me he just stayed with me because I was so controlling. Basically he is admitting he is a wimp. Before we met he had lost his mother 2 yrs before & his father a month before we met. he contends that he was just looking for love & some one to take care of him. If I was so controlling that he stayed with me for 9 yrs & created two children, then I must be a pretty powerful woman. He just turned 30, took a really good position with lost of earning potential & I think he is reevaluating his life. Anything to make him feel better about himself & his life.

Thanks,

Emily
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You can’t change him. You can only change you.

If you admit that you are controlling, then take responsibility for that spiritual fault in yourself and open your heart to the Holy Spirit. Living your life as if you are God is a hardness of heart, no? Whether your husband leaves or stays, you do not have an excuse for running other people’s lives and then blaming them for being wimps! If you don’t want to hear the same song your husband is singing coming from your children (or a second husband) some day, go out, admit your faults to someone who can help you, and start down that long and humbling road. It is the road to Heaven.

You do have a responsibility toward your children and a right for yourself to consult an attorney and make certain that your husband doesn’t try to use your faults as an excuse to avoid his responsibility. You are right in saying that he is a sane adult. He has obligations, and you should hold him to them.

I have had friends in the same situation that you and your husband are in, and I tell them about a man I knew about ten years ago. He was seventy and in his second marriage. He was on good terms with both his first and current wives. One day he told me, “You know, I wish I had gone for marriage counselling instead of just throwing it in. I’m in essentially in the same marriage situation as last time, only this time I’ve learned how I had to change and what I have to ask for to be happily married. If I’d learned that sooner, I wouldn’t have an ex-wife to deal with and two families to support.”

Tell your husband that even if he doesn’t want to stay in his marriage with you, he owes it to himself to get joint counselling to figure out and admit to himself what happened this time–from an impartial observer who won’t let either of you keep fooling yourselves. Otherwise, he will just go out and “fall in love” with someone just like you all over again. The world is full of it, he need only look around. Besides, you can divorce your spouse, but don’t forget: an ex is forever. Convince him to take that step carefully.

Also, try to find it in yourself to imagine a future in which you look back and say that your husband went through a really bad mid-life crisis that was hell at the time but that made your marriage better in the long run. Try to stay gracious and be the person you will wish you were, looking back.

And don’t be afraid to lean on the other people in your life. You need them. Admit that and hang in there. You are loved, and with God’s help, you will get through this closer to Him than ever. He is the balm and cure for all the anger (and probably fear) that dogs you every day of your life. Go to Him. That is what really matters in the end.
 
Lost_wife_mom,

You’re getting plenty of advice from all different perspectives. It’s for this reason I won’t offer detailed advice.

I will ask you however to trust God to move you in the direction you need to take.

God Bless!
 
Black Jaque its called sympathy and human compassion with a touch of class you should look into it. the point is HEs leaving HER divorce is WRONG and hes being a jerk about it. has he stopped to consider how this will effect his kids? hes being selfish. divorce is selfish. and YES she should get every dime she can out of him. he should pay for being so lazy as to not want to try and work it out, and he should support his children. LOST MOM WIFE make sure in the court case you bring up the fact that you BOTH decided you should stay at home and not finish school, my brothers an attorney and has mentioned before that in cases like these, his attorneys will make you out be lazy and a mooch, for not working. and yes get a FEMALE attorney, a tough one.
 
It takes two to begin and end a marriage. I don’t think this women was physically abused, so she is not a victim of some crime. Divorce will not solve anything, and it will hurt the children. It’s funny how selfish and childish adults can be.

Counseling is important, and confession. Both should go to confession and admit what they have done that could have contributed to this impending divorce. I don’t think it is wise to assume he is having an affair, and give this women a freak-out.

If she didn’t finish school, then that is her fault. No one put a gun to her head, and her children were a proper priority. There are plenty of jobs for people that didn’t finish college.

And he will be financially responsible for those children until they are 18, so he can kiss the idea of skate’n off easy goodbye.

No one wakes up in a seemingly happy marriage and thinks “I think I want a divorce.” This had to be coming to a boil for some time.
 
Black Jaque,

I sat and read your reply again and again, shaking my head in disbelief. If you want to get technical about it, isn’t the MAN supposed to be the head of the family~~providing for his family financially and spiritually?

No matter if he is having an affair or not, he IS guilty of emotional abuse~~having had some experience with that myself its horrendous.

He chose to have two children with her, and it is his duty to provide for the family he has made. If it is HIS decision to leave the marriage, it is HIS fault. He can agree to counseling, etc. If he doesn’t, its too bad, so sad, pay up.

Men as well as some women can be totally stubborn, and not reasonable at all. It sounds as if her husband fits this category. It is sad that you cannot see the wife and mother side of this story, but being a man, its hard to. When you have babies to take care of, the maternal instincts come out, and you do ANYTHING to take care of those babies.

Please show some sympathy and compassion…isn’t that the right think to do, no matter whose “fault” it is?
 
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MommyLeah:
Men as well as some women can be totally stubborn, and not reasonable at all. It sounds as if her husband fits this category. It is sad that you cannot see the wife and mother side of this story, but being a man, its hard to. When you have babies to take care of, the maternal instincts come out, and you do ANYTHING to take care of those babies.

Please show some sympathy and compassion…isn’t that the right think to do, no matter whose “fault” it is?
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In partial defense of Black Jaque, I don’t think he was saying that the husband shouldn’t take care of his responsibilities. Rather, I read his posts as saying that he doesn’t agree with the posters that are telling the OP to basically take her husband for all he’s worth, and I agree with him on that. I also agree with him that we shouldn’t make assumptions that the husband is cheating, as even the OP does not have proof of an affair.

That’s not to say that she shouldn’t talk to a lawyer about what her rights would be if he were to move out and begin divorce proceedings. Better to know that she has a leg to stand on rather than have the rug pulled out from under her. He does have a financial responsiblity to his children until they are 18. Whether or not he wants any other responsibility is up to him, but he cannot just waltz out and leave her with sole responsiblity.

Now Black Jaque did make an interesting comment: “He’s feels used for his paycheck. Doesn’t surprise me.” This struck me as a rather callous comment, especially as the OP stated that she is a SAHM who put aside her studies to raise their children. If this is true, than she is not using him. If she were a working mother, I imagine posters would be arguing that she should be at home, taking care of her children, instead of being materialistic. Make up your minds, people. Are SAHMs good, or are they just using their husbands for the paychecks? Are working mothers pulling their fair share of the finances, or are they ignoring their children in favor of keeping up with the Joneses? We can’t have it both ways. :mad:
 
Thanks SeekerJen,

In regards to:
He’s feels used for his paycheck. Doesn’t surprise me.

I was making an inference of the husband’s feelings, not stating a fact of the case. The husband feels used - that’s why he blurts out comments about the “gravy train”. What the husband feels and what is reality are not the same.

Having one spouse make the home while another earns the cash is a fair way of running a family. These women work very hard. But when a man is as hurt as this man is, he will make mean comments that are not reflective of the truth. He’s threatening to pull the finances as a way of making his wife hurt.

In all honesty, if this woman’s sense that she has been overly controlling is accurate, I would think she should at the very least throw herself at his knees, appologize, and even be prepared to take a sting or two. Have faith in the Lord, if she does what is right on her part, He will melt the heart of her husband, and her husband will be more likely to beg her forgiveness.

However, if she responds to his hurtful jabs with a lawyer, her husband is only going to see this as proof that she is nothing but a gold-digger. Again, it is not my opinion that she is a gold-digger, I’m just saying this is how her husband will interpret such actions.

Give yourself, 100%, unto death! As a spouse, you should be totally consumed with doing what is right for the marriage, totally forgetting your own personal needs.
Black Jaque its called sympathy and human compassion with a touch of class you should look into it.
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I see it as destructive commiseration. Frankly, I couldn’t care less how “classy” I come off, I’m more concerned that I am truthful. Tell me how hiring a lawyer will save their marriage? It will only serve her own financial interests.
 

If my spouse walked out, leaving me with the kids, I don’t care if I had to dumpster-dive and live in a cardboard box. I would still cling to that one thread of hope​

Wake up and smell the roses. Children don’t deserve to live in a dumpster because a man is not responsible for his children or over a some misconstrued notion about “hope”. Explain how it is hopeful for a child to live in a dumpster and be hungry. Are you going to chalk it up to suffering and believe there is something beautiful about homeless hungry children?
 

I see it as destructive commiseration. Frankly, I couldn’t care less how “classy” I come off, I’m more concerned that I am truthful. Tell me how hiring a lawyer will save their marriage? It will only serve her own financial interests.​

Yes and THE TRUTH is, her financial interests are what is vital to her children. Not living in a dumpster.
Frankly, blaming herself for her husband’s poor attitude is not proper and for you to find that a good quality makes me really wonder about YOUR views of females in general.
 
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