My husband won't help take kids to mass

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Catholicmom33

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I’m new here and decided to join because I didn’t know who to talk to. Anyway, before my husband and I got married, I knew he wasn’t a practicing Catholic, but he agreed that he would always help me take the kids to mass and would let me raise them Catholic.

Fast forward four years and three kids later. My husband has slowly stopped showing any interest in helping to get the kids ready on Sundays, or just hopes I don’t bring it up. When I say it’s time to go, he sighs, rolls his eyes and makes me feel awful. He’s also become more mocking about the faith and takes opportunities to show that the Church is just full of child molesters and is a waste of time.

Also, when I told him I didn’t support gay “marriage,” he said it was “ignorant” in front of the kids. We made up and I forgave him for it, but it hurt to be talked to like that in front of the kids.

This past Sunday, he just decided not to go and left me to take three kids under three by myself. I smiled through it, wanting to cry the whole time I watched other fathers carrying their children into church.

I don’t know what to do. Thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut are appreciated.
 
Catholicmom33 said:
Anyway, before my husband and I got married, I knew he wasn’t a practicing Catholic, but he agreed that he would always help me take the kids to mass and would let me raise them Catholic.
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Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Talk is cheap, as you have now discovered, unfortunately.
Catholicmom33 said:
I don’t know what to do. Thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut are appreciated.
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I think you are going to have to have a crucial conversation about your agreement and him holding up his end of what he agreed to-- or at a minimum stop with the juvenile behavior.

But, in the end, if he decides to no longer participate in church or to actively undermine your teaching of the faith then you are going to have to mentally and spiritually prepare yourself to do this alone.

Yes, it will be difficult. I am sorry this is happening to you.
 
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation.

I would suggest (in the short term) not asking your husband to come to mass/help get the kids ready (if he comes of his own interest great!). Rather, do it yourself because it is your faith to ensure your children attend mass. In a sense you are taking up your own cross and suffering through it (and that is praiseworthy). By continuing living this authentic life, you may actually make your husband see your position and may even help him return to supporting your faith.

And as po18guy states - pray for him, daily!

I know this is not the easiest (or surely the best) answer but I can’t see demanding that he follows through on his agreement from years ago will solve anything as he was not a practicing Catholic. But if he sees you as a role model he may become more interested in the faith.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family!

God Bless!
 
Try an appeal to his manhood.

He’s no man if he doesn’t lead his family in godliness.

He’s no man if he insults you.

He is a child in a man’s body.
 
If he presented them for baptism with you, perhaps remind him of his vow accepting the responsibility of training them in the practice of the faith. That it is his duty to bring them up to keep God’s commandments as Christ taught us, by loving God and our neighbor.

Enlist the Godparents of your children to help you if they are able. Even if it is only in prayer. They also made promises at your children’s baptisms to help you in your duty as a Christian parent.

That said, you are obligated to go to mass, but your small children are not. Maybe if your husband knew if he did not help you get the children ready to go to mass, you would need to leave them there with him. He might then be more inclined to help even if he is not planning to attend himself. 😉

I’m sorry you’re in such a situation. Being the sole spiritual leader of your family is not an easy boat to row. Don’t lose hope! Keep persevering.
 
I like the idea of leaving the children home with Dad till they are old enough to participate in the Mass.

Get dressed up, go to Mass, and enjoy it uninterupted. Get together with some girlfriends, and go out to breakfast together. Maybe run an errand or two! Enjoy some child free time to refreash yourself! It’s an excellent idea!

We will pray for your hubby, in the mean time take care of yourself! 🙂
 
Get help from your family! Who is your family? The Church IS YOUR FAMILY!!! Start with immediate family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins). If these are not able to step up explore your parish as family. Talk to the Parish Office and see out: Moms groups, Men’s Groups (Knights of Columbas, Boyscoutts, ect), Young Women’s groups ( American Heritage ect ) and see if you can get a helper during Mass.

You may even be able to “hire” a parishioner (active Catholic teen) as a babysitter/mothers helper to get the kids ready for Mass. Remember Jeusus says that when a door is closed another may open.🙂

When I joined the “Alter and Rosary Circle” I meet many women. Most are elderly, and have become my spiritual mothers/grandmothers … When my husband goes away on business trips, I get help from my spiritual moms, and their grand kids. It is a blessing to be able to ask for help, & I know those I ask help from feel blessed too.

When your husband sees the blessings, he may let his heart soften.
 
Regina_Love said:
I like the idea of leaving the children home with Dad till they are old enough to participate in the Mass.

Get dressed up, go to Mass, and enjoy it uninterupted. Get together with some girlfriends, and go out to breakfast together. Maybe run an errand or two! Enjoy some child free time to refreash yourself! It’s an excellent idea!

We will pray for your hubby, in the mean time take care of yourself! 🙂
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As a mom of three, one should always bring their children to Mass from the start. Waiting till they are old enough (whatever that means) is too late. Yes, it isn’t easy in the toddler years but it does pay off when they are teens and older. They have to learn as soon as possible how to behave in church.
 
There are times in a marriage with children that you will have to fight. But choose your fights very very carefully. IMO, this is not an issue worth fighting about because children under age 7 are not obligated to attend Mass.

Oh, I know–you go to church adn you see all the other families with several children sitting cozily with Mom and Dad during Mass, and you wish that this could be your family situation. Well, it isn’t, and it probably never will be, and don’t waste time and energy having regrets about marrying a non-Catholic. There are a lot of spouses here that will tell you that their CATHOLIC spouse won’t help take the children to Mass, and won’t even attend themselves.

Just make the best of your situation, and save those fights for life-and-death, or heaven-and-hell matters.

I agree with Regina Love–Sundays (or Saturday evenings) are Daddy’s special time with the children, and your special time with Jesus and your Christian brothers and sisters.

I would follow this plan while the children are still young enough to require diapers, and not able to talk clearly. You can train them at home for the “special day” when they will be ready to start attending Mass with you, and when that day comes, only take them for a few minutes, then leave, and over time, increase the time that they sit with you during Mass. By the time they are 7, they will be ready to be at Mass with you and not require Daddy’s help.

The only problem would be if Daddy spends that time while you are at Mass bad-mouthing the Catholic Church to the children. In that case, I would hit the roof and tell Daddy that if he continues to do that, you will…well, you state the consequence. For me, it would be taking the children away from him, and leaving the house to go home to my parents or to another relative who would take me and the little ones in. He needs to realize that badmouthing the Mass has eternal consequences for him and for the children. Not acceptable ever.

But hopefully, he wouldn’t do that, but instead, would watch kids’ movies, read Very Hungry Caterpillar, or play with the children while you at Mass. 🙂
 
With regard to the “child molesters” remark:

The Church has saints as well as sinners. The sad situation of scandals in the Church does not eclipse the truth that the Catholic Church teaches!

Pray for him, and if you can’t go to adoration due to the fact that you have three children under three years of age, you can offer up your loving care of the children and your husband to the Lord.

I can relate to having toddlers for many years, and a husband only half-interested in the faith. It was several months before his death that he finally went to confession. A lot of prayers and prayer support from others went into this.
 
robwar said:
As a mom of three, one should always bring their children to Mass from the start. Waiting till they are old enough (whatever that means) is too late. Yes, it isn’t easy in the toddler years but it does pay off when they are teens and older. They have to learn as soon as possible how to behave in church.
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Normally, I’d agree - but perhaps that’s asking too much in this particular situation. I’d start off leaving them all at home, but let hubby know that’d you’d be happy to take any of them he gets ready. Result - either you get mass by yourself for spiritual renewal, or you get him to help get the kid(s) ready and you are able to take them to mass with you - win/win.
 
Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut, everyone. It calmed me down considerably. As much as I’d love to leave all the kids with him, anytime I do, I find the toddlers (almost 3) are confused the next time I take them to mass. The more consistently I take them, the more they get used to it (even though I know it’s so hard for them to sit through it.)

All the kids were pretty good yesterday, but I only have so many hands to herd everyone. I’ll keep trying though. I think I do need to just keep getting everyone dressed and going. Like some of you said, actions speak louder than me berating my husband.

And I’ll keep praying, of course. It’ll just be hard to hear all the, “Where’s Daddy?” questions. That’s the part that’s hardest for me. I’m trying to be patient. He was raised Catholic, but his parent’s divorced and remarried. I think he just associates the Church with people being hypocritical.

Prayers are appreciated.
 
I second continuing to take the children to Mass. In your shoes, since yours are so cery young, I would take the oldest until I was quite sure he or she could behave well. Talk up goig to Mass and visiting Christ to the younger ones as much as possible.

When you have to take a child out of Mass, do not make it fun or interesting. I would just hold the child or let him walk around a bit, but nnot make it a misbehave in Mass and get Mommy’s attention outside sort of situation.

See if you can maybe work with another mother who has older children to help you out, that way you wouldn’t have to be carting a screaming child and baby in a carseat while trailing a small child… If I were there, I would help you!!! But i wouldn’t necessarily offer because some people might see that as odd, 😦 in this day and age. But I have been there, we were both lapsed Catholics and I returned and he didn’t.

At least he helps get everyone up and ready to go out the door and feeds us 🙂 Maybe your husband wouldn’t mind doing that much.
 
My wife could have written your letter. I was very much like your husband. We were married for 24 years before I opened my heart to God. I went through RCIA three times before coming into the church. While the last five years have been tremendous, I mourn the time I wasted when I was too stubborn to listen to the Holy Spirit. I will pray for your husband to be more receptive.

Pray for your husband, too! Attend Mass with or without him. Put yourself in a mental and spiritual place to anticipate and expect that it will be just you and the kids on Sunday morning. But let him know that he is missed and is always welcome to join you. He may not come around quickly, or ever, but your sacrifice is known to God and will be witnessed by your children. What a wonderful example of faith you will give them! God bless you and your family.
 
Cat said:
There are times in a marriage with children that you will have to fight. But choose your fights very very carefully. IMO, this is not an issue worth fighting about because children under age 7 are not obligated to attend Mass.

Oh, I know–you go to church adn you see all the other families with several children sitting cozily with Mom and Dad during Mass, and you wish that this could be your family situation. Well, it isn’t, and it probably never will be, and don’t waste time and energy having regrets about marrying a non-Catholic. There are a lot of spouses here that will tell you that their CATHOLIC spouse won’t help take the children to Mass, and won’t even attend themselves.

Just make the best of your situation, and save those fights for life-and-death, or heaven-and-hell matters.

I agree with Regina Love–Sundays (or Saturday evenings) are Daddy’s special time with the children, and your special time with Jesus and your Christian brothers and sisters.

I would follow this plan while the children are still young enough to require diapers, and not able to talk clearly. You can train them at home for the “special day” when they will be ready to start attending Mass with you, and when that day comes, only take them for a few minutes, then leave, and over time, increase the time that they sit with you during Mass. By the time they are 7, they will be ready to be at Mass with you and not require Daddy’s help.

The only problem would be if Daddy spends that time while you are at Mass bad-mouthing the Catholic Church to the children. In that case, I would hit the roof and tell Daddy that if he continues to do that, you will…well, you state the consequence. For me, it would be taking the children away from him, and leaving the house to go home to my parents or to another relative who would take me and the little ones in. He needs to realize that badmouthing the Mass has eternal consequences for him and for the children. Not acceptable ever.

But hopefully, he wouldn’t do that, but instead, would watch kids’ movies, read Very Hungry Caterpillar, or play with the children while you at Mass. 🙂
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Um, leaving her husband probably wouldn’t make her kids any more likely to be Catholic. Assuming he’s a fit parent he could easily have joint custody, especially if she had to live with a relative because she couldn’t support them. And even if he doesn’t have that he’d have a lot of visitation, so the snarkiness wouldn’t stop and of course what is the likelihood that the kids would be catholic after finding out that their mother ripped their family apart over church?

Bad idea.
 
Catholicmom33 said:
When I say it’s time to go, he sighs, rolls his eyes and makes me feel awful. He’s also become more mocking about the faith and takes opportunities to show that the Church is just full of child molesters and is a waste of time.
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Are you active in your parish? Have you made an effort to make friends with fellow parishioners? Perhaps once you start making friends with good Catholics, your husband will see church not as a “chore” of dragging kids to Mass and instead as a center of your community and friend circle. I would recommend laying off the Mass-going since he is so opposed and instead inviting him along to parish activities like parish picnics, “theology on tap” type sessions (our parish meets at the local brewery for happy hour and a speaker on theology - how can anyone turn down cheap beer? 😉 ), young adult social events (our church has a weekly friday potluck for people in their 20s to 40s), and church outings like to amusement parks or outdoor activities. Meeting fellow Catholics who are awesome and fun will make being Catholic not such a “waste” and show how important faith can be in your life. In addition, becoming more active in your parish will provide more support for you!

You cannot force your husband to develop his faith, but you can try to set the good example of going to Mass (without the kids - I also like that idea), inviting him to “fun” things to do with the community, and speaking of the joy that it brings you. Also, look to his friends to see if any are having a bad influence on him and learn how to answer such criticisms as “the church is full of child molesters” and gay marriage is a-ok. Catholic Answers has tons of information on both subjects and any other common criticisms (the fact that his comments are soooo common leads me to believe that he might be repeating what others have told him about the church).

I suggest looking at this situation not as “how can I make my husband help me take the kids to Mass” and instead of “how can I show my husband how much the faith means to me and how beautiful and fun it is.” Perhaps tackling it from this perspective will take the pressure off your husband and allow him to realize the joy and meaning of it.

Also, St. Monica knows exactly what you are going through…she prayed for years for the eventual conversion of her husband and her son, St. Augustine. Read about her life and pray to her for assistance and guidance. Here is a prayer thread for her: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=313474

:blessyou:
 
The problem isn’t that he won’t help you. The problem is that he is acting like a child.

I agree with others here, I would leave the children with him. Go to Mass alone.
 
Is there a strong, godly man you trust who could “talk” to him?

If I knew the guy, I’d be there with bull-whip in hand.

Sorry, this kind of thing just burns me up: men thinking they’re still men when they don’t lead their families in godliness. Men who disrespect their wives and don’t care for their children’s spiritual well-being.
 
Some good suggestions here.

Have you expressed your feelings to your husband, and reminded him of his marital promise to you and your children?
 
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