My life

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momof3inOR

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I am new here and I would love some feedback. I’m a working mom of young children. My husband works too. We have been married and catholic for 9 years. I used to be extremely career driven but lately I’ve wanted to stay home. My husband makes less money that I do and he doesn’t want to change our lifestyle. We have a big house and nice cars, but we live paycheck to paycheck. I work fulltime - and I also have a side business. I feel like ALL I do is work. I never get to spend time with the kids. It’s either the nanny or my husband. He doesn’t offer to find a part time job or anything. We can’t get out of our house …we are stuck there. The cars - same thing. They are leased. So, I"m just working every minute of every day to try and “maintain”. Then, my husband and I wanted to send the kids to Catholic school. But, we found out it’s about 10k a year. He signed them up. I just can’t keep up any longer with “his lifestyle”. I honestly don’t buy anything for myself. My birthday just passed and my husband didn’t even buy me anything. I feel used.

We have gone through therapy. He got better, but it’s still not enough. He never changes permenantly. He went through an anger issue where he became hostile and aggressive with me and our kids. Now, he’s calmed down. He hasn’t been violent in a long time. However, he drinks quite a bit to calm down. In fact, I’ve started drinking too…just to try to ease through the evening. My days are so chaotic and I feel like I am never enough to ANYONE in my life.

I have talked to my husband about my unhappiness about constantly working. He listens but seems unphased by it. Truth is - for the most part - he’s a good father. He loves our family, but he doesn’t really provide. Am I being too selfish for feeling this way? I don’t mean to…but I just feel like we are getting through each day by the grace of God. We have less than a month’s salary in our savings. Our bills are huge. And he keeps telling me that my side business is going to take off – he believes in me…he KNOWS that I’m soon going to make millions and be able to stay home with the kids and he says he will quit too!

I’m sorry for ranting…my husband cooks and cleans up after himself. In many areas…he’s very helpful around the house. But, it’s these critical issues that make me feel so resentful. Help!
 
I don’t need to tell you this, but you are on an unsustainable course. The sooner you can get your husband to believe that you are taking on water and sinking fast, the better off you will be. Your business is not going to do your family a bit of good if just building it kills the goose laying those potentially-lucrative eggs. If you’re going to be a small business owner, taking care of the owner is part of taking care of the business.

It would be nice if you could get more counselling. Maybe Al-Anon…because you need the support and the help in figuring out where your responsibility ends and your enabling begins. It is free, too, which is probably important to you right now. If your insurance will cover it or you can find a friend to talk to, absolutely find someone in your life to talk to on a regular basis, too.

See if you can get Melody Beattie’s “The New Co-Dependent No More” from your library. I don’t live with an alcoholic, but I found a great deal of help in learning what healthy boundaries look like.

Also, don’t ever use alcohol as a self-medication for stress or depression or bad feelings. It is a depressant and it is highly addictive. You could not choose a worse medication for what you’re going through! Rather, you need to find a way to give yourself real self-care, such as prayer and meditation, exercise, sufficient sleep, and so on. Self-treatment with alcohol is a real dead-end, though. Just stay away from that, unless you’re enjoying it with others in joint celebration of a good day.
 
Codependency is something that the therapist brought up with us, too. I have read about it and I see the symptoms of it…but I just feel like I’m stuck in a viscious cycle. I honestly feel like i’m being worked to the bone.

I hate to say it – even after ALL I have gone through with my husband – but I feel like giving up on our marriage. I just wish I married someone who would provide for us. Yes, he works – but what I bring home is never good enough. Except for the fact that’s it’s nearly double what HE brings home. It’s a double standard - yet I feel selfish for complaining. I know God frowns on divorce.
 
I don’t blame you one bit for being resentful. Your husband is obviously very immature thinking money grows on trees or you should just hand it to him.

Is there anyway you can open a private account and keep your finances separate? Not a good thing in a marriage but I really think it is time to limit his access to the cash.

Yes God frowns on divorce but he probably also frowns on a man working his wife to the bone well spending irresponsibly

CM
 
momof3inOR said:
Codependency is something that the therapist brought up with us, too. I have read about it and I see the symptoms of it…but I just feel like I’m stuck in a viscious cycle. I honestly feel like i’m being worked to the bone.

I hate to say it – even after ALL I have gone through with my husband – but I feel like giving up on our marriage. I just wish I married someone who would provide for us. Yes, he works – but what I bring home is never good enough. Except for the fact that’s it’s nearly double what HE brings home. It’s a double standard - yet I feel selfish for complaining. I know God frowns on divorce.
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Imagine you have a friend, and your friend describes your situation to you. I think you’d say: You are being used and you feel selfish for complaining. Something is wrong here!

It isn’t wrong to feel your feelings, but it is a mistake to believe your feelings to be a fact. Think of your feelings as a smoke alarm, instead. They don’t go off for no reason, they’re not something you can afford to disconnect or just ignore, but sometimes they do go off falsely.

You married who you married, but so did he. He wishes that you could provide all the money he wants, but that isn’t going to happen. *It is not beyond your desire, but it is beyond your capacity. *You can get help in drawing boundaries and finding compromises with your husband without feeling as if you are in a “do what he wants or leave him” situation. You may be in a “put up with some conflict until we find a compromise that works for both of us” situation, instead.

Find yourself some help, because you are headed for a series of “I know you’d like X, I’d like X, too, but I can’t pursue both X and hold down a full-time job. It is too much” conversations. You can both draw boundaries and have peace with your husband at the same time. It is not realistic to assume that you’ll get everything you want or he’ll get everything he wants–possible, but there are no guarantees–but renegotiating your expectations of each other is a realistic goal. Growing together is a realistic goal. Finding compromises that work better for everyone is a realistic goal. Not as a once-and-for-all goal, but as a realistic on-going project.

You need coaching to do this, but it can be done. Get some help, you can do it!! 👍

As for your fear of divorce, read “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or similar works by John Gottman, et all. There is lots of practical information in there about the signs of problems that reall put marriages in the ditch, based on research with real couples. Many libraries have them. Look into them and see what you can learn. For a quickie view, though, use a search engine to read up on “John Gottman” and “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. Many marriage counselors have the principles he uncovered on their blogs and other online literature. That will put the gist of his findings in a nutshell for you.
 
I wish I could give you an easy answer, but my biggest advice is to really lay this all in front of the cross. Turn to Mary… she’s our mother and she doesn’t desire to see us suffering.

My situation is not entirely similar, but I do sympathize. I’ve been working my entire married life (only leaving for my 4 maternity leaves). My husband has been laid off and we’re going through temporary financial struggles as he’s trying to start up his own businesses, which will start being profitable in the near future. It’s funny though… this is not where we ever expected to be… God has led us down a very different path than we could have ever dreamed (and I don’t mean “dreamed” as in this is dreamy… it’s just different!)… but it’s GOOD. God’s path IS very good… just not always what we thought it would be like.

I highly recommend going to adoration… 👍
 
If the money goes then the lifestyle goes too. You have to make decisions about your mental and spiritual health and your marriage. Is your husband really so materialistic that he won’t stop spending if the income gets cut off or slows down? If so, then there’s a really huge problem. If not, then the ball’s in your court to say “hey, I want to just be a mom or at least just do one thing. We have to adjust our lives.” Full stop. Then actually quit something so the money stops coming in.

Don’t financially endanger yourself, but take some burden off yourself.

And frankly I think your husband may feel a little inadequate himself since he’s making less than you. This is not a fault of yours but perhaps his spending is because he feels bad for not being a good enough of a provider. It’s a defense mechanism… like the drinking… which needs to chill. For both of you.

Truth of the matter is that we’re never enough for each other. He will never be enough for you nor you for him. Your kids will not fill the gap either. That pining for wholeness is only filled by God. Turn to Him and encourage your husband to do the same.

As a husband and father who has struggled immensely with anger, shame and addiction, I can tell you that the ONLY way I’ve been able to flip the script is by begging God to take control of my life. The struggles remain. The financial situation doesn’t change. But my outlook on it and my ability to deal with them has been totally revolutionized. And it’s only through God’s grace that it has happened.
 
Ok - let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. I should mention that my husband has asked/insisted that I write erotica…since the whole 50 shades of gray – explosion. He thinks I could make millions by writing that… which I was not comfortable with. Then I told him no one could EVER know – and I found out he told one of my coworkers… nice.

So, we’ve been through counseling and he really said he would try to “be there for me” more. He did try. But fastforward to a couple of weeks ago. We were moving. Had to move on a Friday. I couldn’t get off work and he said he couldn’t either. So, of course he asked me to call in sick. I agreed …reluctantly. But, then at the last minute he told me he was taking the day before off - to pack with the hired packers. I thought that was odd…then I found out that he was taking our son to an audition to be on a soap opera…a long drive away! I was not thrilled, but he just did it anyway.

The morning of the move - I got called into work at 5am…the morning I was supposed to be “sick”. I have the type of job where i’m “on call” for big things. Well, it just happened to be the CO shooting massacre. I told my husband that I had no choice…I HAD to go. Well, he told me he “had to work” and that I should “handle it”. So, he left me with a house full of movers – the kids needing childcare and my boss who wanted me in quick to respond to national media. I was freaked out. I asked him if he could help me situate the keys for the new house…or something. He said he had meetings…he couldn’t. No choice. So - for the first time in a long time – I cried. I was freaking out…but I got it together. Thanks to some good neighbors who took the kids and the movers who essentially moved our house without any supervision …they just called me when they had questions and I tried to juggle while I was out responding to the work emergency.

It was awful. My husband didn’t respond to calls or texts and didn’t arrive home until 5:30pm. He said he got home as fast as he could… I don’t know how I survived…by the grace of God.

How about that …for being a “man”? What would you do?
 
people have told you to go alonon and talked about codependency well this jumped out to me
In fact, I’ve started drinking too…just to try to ease through the evening. My days are so chaotic and I feel like I am never enough to ANYONE in my life
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. you have to talk to someone about your drinking also.
 
What is considered an alcoholic? I have about 2 glasses of wine a night…Sometimes 3.

Ok - let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. I should mention that my husband has asked/insisted that I write erotica…since the whole 50 shades of gray – explosion. He thinks I could make millions by writing that… which I was not comfortable with. Then I told him no one could EVER know – and I found out he told one of my coworkers… nice.

So, we’ve been through counseling and he really said he would try to “be there for me” more. He did try. But fastforward to a couple of weeks ago. We were moving. Had to move on a Friday. I couldn’t get off work and he said he couldn’t either. So, of course he asked me to call in sick. I agreed …reluctantly. But, then at the last minute he told me he was taking the day before off - to pack with the hired packers. I thought that was odd…then I found out that he was taking our son to an audition to be on a soap opera…a long drive away! I was not thrilled, but he just did it anyway.

The morning of the move - I got called into work at 5am…the morning I was supposed to be “sick”. I have the type of job where i’m “on call” for big things. Well, it just happened to be the CO shooting massacre. I told my husband that I had no choice…I HAD to go. Well, he told me he “had to work” and that I should “handle it”. So, he left me with a house full of movers – the kids needing childcare and my boss who wanted me in quick to respond to national media. I was freaked out. I asked him if he could help me situate the keys for the new house…or something. He said he had meetings…he couldn’t. No choice. So - for the first time in a long time – I cried. I was freaking out…but I got it together. Thanks to some good neighbors who took the kids and the movers who essentially moved our house without any supervision …they just called me when they had questions and I tried to juggle while I was out responding to the work emergency.

It was awful. My husband didn’t respond to calls or texts and didn’t arrive home until 5:30pm. He said he got home as fast as he could… I don’t know how I survived…by the grace of God.

How about that …for being a “man”? What would you do?
 
momof3inOR said:
The morning of the move - I got called into work at 5am…the morning I was supposed to be “sick”. I have the type of job where i’m “on call” for big things. Well, it just happened to be the CO shooting massacre. I told my husband that I had no choice…I HAD to go. Well, he told me he “had to work” and that I should “handle it”. So, he left me with a house full of movers – the kids needing childcare and my boss who wanted me in quick to respond to national media. I was freaked out. I asked him if he could help me situate the keys for the new house…or something. He said he had meetings…he couldn’t. No choice. So - for the first time in a long time – I cried. I was freaking out…but I got it together. Thanks to some good neighbors who took the kids and the movers who essentially moved our house without any supervision …they just called me when they had questions and I tried to juggle while I was out responding to the work emergency.

It was awful. My husband didn’t respond to calls or texts and didn’t arrive home until 5:30pm. He said he got home as fast as he could… I don’t know how I survived…by the grace of God.

How about that …for being a “man”? What would you do?
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Yikes. That would be a serious no-go for me. I encourage you to think about individual counseling for yourself, first (since you can only control your side of this). Possible areas to examine might include: BOUNDARIES, communication methods, setting limits, accountability and co-dependency. You can’t save him, you seem to not be able to rely on him, and you’re keeping it all together on your own anyway, so…I’d definitely try to get an appointment ASAP. (Your writing can wait an evening or two. Period. And since you’re the writer, that’s your call alone. If he responds with passive aggressive ****, it’s time for immediate marriage counseling to establish boundaries, agree upon a responsibility/chore list & expectations, and set some limits. You might consider doing this anyway, too, as a kickstart.)

For the financial side, consider Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace University”. This would be a very good thing for you and your husband to do together. The facilitated classes may help you work with your husband to examine your finances closely together, set some goals and assign some responsibilities together. I think it’s a 13 week class. You can work through it online, too, but I think the 3rd-person assistance may help you work with him. (I wouldn’t do this program with him unless I had a 3rd party assist - counselor, pastor.) You could do it on your own, or at least read the book “Total Money Makeover” - check your library or ask for it via interlibrary loan. But until you either get him on board at least partially, or get your finances separate from his, you won’t have the control to make the necessary changes.

Best wishes - this is a tough situation. Prayer, fasting…and outside assistance. You don’t have to do it all by yourself! 🙂
 
momof3inOR said:
I am new here and I would love some feedback. I’m a working mom of young children. My husband works too. We have been married and catholic for 9 years. I used to be extremely career driven but lately I’ve wanted to stay home. My husband makes less money that I do and he doesn’t want to change our lifestyle. We have a big house and nice cars, but we live paycheck to paycheck. I work fulltime - and I also have a side business. I feel like ALL I do is work. I never get to spend time with the kids. It’s either the nanny or my husband. He doesn’t offer to find a part time job or anything. We can’t get out of our house …we are stuck there. The cars - same thing. They are leased. So, I"m just working every minute of every day to try and “maintain”. Then, my husband and I wanted to send the kids to Catholic school. But, we found out it’s about 10k a year. He signed them up. I just can’t keep up any longer with “his lifestyle”. I honestly don’t buy anything for myself. My birthday just passed and my husband didn’t even buy me anything. I feel used.

We have gone through therapy. He got better, but it’s still not enough. He never changes permenantly. He went through an anger issue where he became hostile and aggressive with me and our kids. Now, he’s calmed down. He hasn’t been violent in a long time. However, he drinks quite a bit to calm down. In fact, I’ve started drinking too…just to try to ease through the evening. My days are so chaotic and I feel like I am never enough to ANYONE in my life.

I have talked to my husband about my unhappiness about constantly working. He listens but seems unphased by it. Truth is - for the most part - he’s a good father. He loves our family, but he doesn’t really provide. Am I being too selfish for feeling this way? I don’t mean to…but I just feel like we are getting through each day by the grace of God. We have less than a month’s salary in our savings. Our bills are huge. And he keeps telling me that my side business is going to take off – he believes in me…he KNOWS that I’m soon going to make millions and be able to stay home with the kids and he says he will quit too!

I’m sorry for ranting…my husband cooks and cleans up after himself. In many areas…he’s very helpful around the house. But, it’s these critical issues that make me feel so resentful. Help!
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Get some Catholic counseling, you need professional advice. But you can get out of that mess, but you will have to do with a lot less. You guys are simply living too high. Give the house back if you can’t sell it. Get rid of one of the cars. Declare bankruptcy if you have to. Rent a house, live in a poorer neighborhood. Tell you lazy husband if he wants all that nice stuff he will have to get another job because you are going to give up either your job or your business. And how about your spiritual life? Have you got any? Sorry to be so blunt but you need tough love now and so does that guy you married.:sad_yes:
 
Dear momof3, I’m so glad you came here to tell us what is happening and how you feel - it sounds like you barely have time to reflect but have to keep doing, doing. I would first recommend you throw yourself on the mercy of God and beg him to show himself in your life and the life of each member of your family. No matter how you feel in your relationship with Christ, he is there for you at all times and constantly turn to him. I will definitely pray for you and your situation.

Financially it sound like to need to radically downsize your lifestyle so that you can get back into relationship with your self, your husband and your children in a way that is healthy. Are you renting your home or do you have a mortgage? I would forget the part time job and take that time to pray and refocus. Is it possible that you could work part-time in your current position or create a job-share? If you can find a co-worker who also wants to downsize maybe you could put together a presentation for your boss. One way that works well is if you both work 3 days and have one day when you overlap and work together to make sure you are covering all the bases. I love Catholic schools but if it is adding to the financial burden you need to withdraw the children from school until at least your finances are healthier. Don’t sacrifice this time with your children for more money - if your husband wants more money then he should be the one to take any extra job - you actually need to be working less for your health, sanity and well-being of your whole family. Can you move to a more affordable neighborhood with decent schools? Don’t take ANY new financial commitments of any sort. Can you sell one of your cars or give it back if it is leased? Car payments are the worst waste of money and they are budget killers.

My heart goes out to you.
 
We are renting…a house we could never afford to buy. We lost the home we owned previously…to foreclosure. My husband simply loves our life right now…he says. He’s just not willing to downsize any further. If I told him I lost my job or something…he just wouldn’t be ok.

Spiritual life? I’m ashamed to say no…we go to church. But, I am not really there…i’m constantly thinking and churning out thoughts on books and new ways to make money to keep up with this rat race. I don’t know…

**RE: **Ok - let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. I should mention that my husband has asked/insisted that I write erotica…since the whole 50 shades of gray – explosion. He thinks I could make millions by writing that… which I was not comfortable with. Then I told him no one could EVER know – and I found out he told one of my coworkers… nice.

So, we’ve been through counseling and he really said he would try to “be there for me” more. He did try. But fastforward to a couple of weeks ago. We were moving. Had to move on a Friday. I couldn’t get off work and he said he couldn’t either. So, of course he asked me to call in sick. I agreed …reluctantly. But, then at the last minute he told me he was taking the day before off - to pack with the hired packers. I thought that was odd…then I found out that he was taking our son to an audition to be on a soap opera…a long drive away! I was not thrilled, but he just did it anyway.

The morning of the move - I got called into work at 5am…the morning I was supposed to be “sick”. I have the type of job where i’m “on call” for big things. Well, it just happened to be the CO shooting massacre. I told my husband that I had no choice…I HAD to go. Well, he told me he “had to work” and that I should “handle it”. So, he left me with a house full of movers – the kids needing childcare and my boss who wanted me in quick to respond to national media. I was freaked out. I asked him if he could help me situate the keys for the new house…or something. He said he had meetings…he couldn’t. No choice. So - for the first time in a long time – I cried. I was freaking out…but I got it together. Thanks to some good neighbors who took the kids and the movers who essentially moved our house without any supervision …they just called me when they had questions and I tried to juggle while I was out responding to the work emergency.

It was awful. My husband didn’t respond to calls or texts and didn’t arrive home until 5:30pm. He said he got home as fast as he could… I don’t know how I survived…by the grace of God.

How about that …for being a “man”? What would you do? ****
 
momof3inOR said:
What is considered an alcoholic? I have about 2 glasses of wine a night…Sometimes 3.

Ok - let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. I should mention that my husband has asked/insisted that I write erotica…since the whole 50 shades of gray – explosion. He thinks I could make millions by writing that… which I was not comfortable with. Then I told him no one could EVER know – and I found out he told one of my coworkers… nice.

So, we’ve been through counseling and he really said he would try to “be there for me” more. He did try. But fastforward to a couple of weeks ago. We were moving. Had to move on a Friday. I couldn’t get off work and he said he couldn’t either. So, of course he asked me to call in sick. I agreed …reluctantly. But, then at the last minute he told me he was taking the day before off - to pack with the hired packers. I thought that was odd…then I found out that he was taking our son to an audition to be on a soap opera…a long drive away! I was not thrilled, but he just did it anyway.

The morning of the move - I got called into work at 5am…the morning I was supposed to be “sick”. I have the type of job where i’m “on call” for big things. Well, it just happened to be the CO shooting massacre. I told my husband that I had no choice…I HAD to go. Well, he told me he “had to work” and that I should “handle it”. So, he left me with a house full of movers – the kids needing childcare and my boss who wanted me in quick to respond to national media. I was freaked out. I asked him if he could help me situate the keys for the new house…or something. He said he had meetings…he couldn’t. No choice. So - for the first time in a long time – I cried. I was freaking out…but I got it together. Thanks to some good neighbors who took the kids and the movers who essentially moved our house without any supervision …they just called me when they had questions and I tried to juggle while I was out responding to the work emergency.

It was awful. My husband didn’t respond to calls or texts and didn’t arrive home until 5:30pm. He said he got home as fast as he could… I don’t know how I survived…by the grace of God.

How about that …for being a “man”? What would you do?
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Do you want to use alcohol inappropriately and risk becoming an alcoholic? You don’t need that. It is not as if alcoholics actually get help from their alcohol use that comes backs and bites them. It is a bad use of something meant for a different use. Very well then: use alcohol as it was intended, and not as it was not intended. Alcohol is not a medicine for bad feelings. It it also not recommended for someone who needs quality sleep. You do not want to go there, because it causes more harm and does no good, even if you don’t become an alcoholic. It is just counter-indicated for your problem, that’s all.

What I really suggest very strongly is that you do not articulate your compliants in the form of personal attacks. It is appropriate to say, “I had the reasonable expectation, you let me down, and I’m very upset about it”. It is not appropriate to say, “You failed, therefore you are less of a man.” Why? Because personal attacks fail to solve problems and succeed in destroying relationships. Personal attacks make the target defensive, sometimes counter-attacking, and in any event unavailable for communication and problem solving. In short: Personal Attacks Do Not Work. Like alcohol, they are bad medicine. They may feel right, but they destroy what is valuable while accomplishing nothing. (Personal attacks are one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that are highly predictive of divorce. The others are global criticisms, defenseness, and retreat from communication. These are very destructive “communication” habits.)

I very much recommend the Gottman books, because they not only point out destructive communication habits that destroy, but identify useful communication habits that lead to dialogue and solutions.
 
I think it is not really a case of your husband "not wanting’ to downsize - you have to downsize further if you want to survive. If you have already lost your house and you are living month to month you are already in serious jeopardy. You are not truly “living” this lifestyle you are renting it month-to-month. That is no way to live and the stress and pressure upon you is obviously overwhelming. Something has to give and the first thing that must be acknowledged is that your life as it is is not sustainable.

You do need a lot of emotional support at this time but maybe you can contact Catholic Social Services (in Oregon?) and ask if they have financial counselors that you could talk to. I’m sure in the current climate yours is not the first request. You have to create a realistic view of what your budget truly is once you take into account you should be saving and working less. You only have to have one crisis (as I’m sure you are aware) and you will be coming apart at the seams. Also if you continue as you are and you and your husband do split up you may have to continue supporting this crazy “lifestyle” for your husband as you are the main breadwinner. You have to put the breaks on, otherwise you are continuing to create the very life you don’t want to live.
 
momof3inOR said:
We are renting…a house we could never afford to buy. We lost the home we owned previously…to foreclosure. My husband simply loves our life right now…he says. He’s just not willing to downsize any further. If I told him I lost my job or something…he just wouldn’t be ok.

Spiritual life? I’m ashamed to say no…we go to church. But, I am not really there…i’m constantly thinking and churning out thoughts on books and new ways to make money to keep up with this rat race. I don’t know…
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It doesn’t really matter so much that he “loves his life right now” if it’s breaking your back. If he loves that lifestyle, he can earn the $ to pay for it. I agree with a previous poster about “tough love”. If hubby “isn’t willing to downsize” then he needs to step up. When you say “If I told him I lost my job or something…he just wouldn’t be ok,” exactly what do you mean by this? Because you’re not OK carrying all the water on your own…and eventually it will catch up with you, too. (If you’re up to a few drinks daily to cope, what happens down the road when you get even more burnt out? Please please please, for your kids & yourself, get help before you destroy yourself!!)
 
momof3inOR said:
Spiritual life? I’m ashamed to say no…we go to church. But, I am not really there…i’m constantly thinking and churning out thoughts on books and new ways to make money to keep up with this rat race. I don’t know.
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You are being very hard on yourself. You are still going to church. You mind is churning because you want to keep your family together. You are discontented because you are at Mass in body alone, but at least you still go. Yes, it would be good to offer these problems to Christ as they come through you mind. Still, God wants to heal you and release you from what is binding you and enslaving you, not hit you with the “naughty” stick!! So see God as the one who above all wants to release you from these problems, who wants to reach out and sustain you, not just one more person clamoring at you for attention and trying to get something out of you!

Have you talked to your pastor? Sometimes having someone discrete to talk to, especially someone who can steer you away from inappropriate guilt in a way that you’ll be willing to accept, can be very helpful. You don’t have to be the “perfect parishioner” to do this! This situation is a very real threat to your marriage. Consider asking your pastor to help you chart a course through this.
 
momof3inOR said:
I am new here and I would love some feedback. I’m a working mom of young children. My husband works too. We have been married and catholic for 9 years. I used to be extremely career driven but lately I’ve wanted to stay home. My husband makes less money that I do and he doesn’t want to change our lifestyle. We have a big house and nice cars, but we live paycheck to paycheck. I work fulltime - and I also have a side business. I feel like ALL I do is work. I never get to spend time with the kids. It’s either the nanny or my husband. He doesn’t offer to find a part time job or anything. We can’t get out of our house …we are stuck there. The cars - same thing. They are leased. So, I"m just working every minute of every day to try and “maintain”. Then, my husband and I wanted to send the kids to Catholic school. But, we found out it’s about 10k a year. He signed them up. I just can’t keep up any longer with “his lifestyle”. I honestly don’t buy anything for myself. My birthday just passed and my husband didn’t even buy me anything. I feel used.

We have gone through therapy. He got better, but it’s still not enough. He never changes permenantly. He went through an anger issue where he became hostile and aggressive with me and our kids. Now, he’s calmed down. He hasn’t been violent in a long time. However, he drinks quite a bit to calm down. In fact, I’ve started drinking too…just to try to ease through the evening. My days are so chaotic and I feel like I am never enough to ANYONE in my life.

I have talked to my husband about my unhappiness about constantly working. He listens but seems unphased by it. Truth is - for the most part - he’s a good father. He loves our family, but he doesn’t really provide. Am I being too selfish for feeling this way? I don’t mean to…but I just feel like we are getting through each day by the grace of God. We have less than a month’s salary in our savings. Our bills are huge. And he keeps telling me that my side business is going to take off – he believes in me…he KNOWS that I’m soon going to make millions and be able to stay home with the kids and he says he will quit too!

I’m sorry for ranting…my husband cooks and cleans up after himself. In many areas…he’s very helpful around the house. But, it’s these critical issues that make me feel so resentful. Help!
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I read some more. You have to give up that " erotica " writing. First of all it is a mortal sin and it contributes to the sins of others - another mortal sin. And you want to send your kids to a Catholic school - why? And the drinking - that has to stop. Examin you conscience and try to make a good confession - how long has it been anyway.

You said you were moving. I hope it wasn’t into a house you can’t afford. Get rid of one of the cars as soon as the lease is up. Does you husband make $50 grand a year. If he does, you can live on his salary. More good advice below, I hope you will take it.🤷
 
[QUOTEI know God frowns on divorce]

There are certain circumstances that DIVORCE is the only way. After you’ve exhausted all possibilities. Believe me, I’ve been there and know several others that have.

You might want to try Al Anon, CODA (Co Dependents Anon) & there’s always Retrouvaille.

Praying for you.
 
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