My marriage: disillusioned from day one

[PeterMuz]

Augusta Sans,

I’m sorry I did not realize those things had already been brought up. I sometimes see a post and respond with realizing there are already 12 pages of responses. I hope that didn’t irritate you.

I happy to hear the recent good news!

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Augusta Sans,

I’m sorry I did not realize those things had already been brought up. I sometimes see a post and respond with realizing there are already 12 pages of responses. I hope that didn’t irritate you.

I happy to hear the recent good news!

Of course not! It’s a common occurrence on many forums, and has happened quite a few times in this thread too. I’m genuinely grateful for all of the thoughtful advice that people are providing, regardless of how late or early they come to the game!

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Another small update. After the divorce, I dated an old friend for little awhile. Though we “broke up” before I started posting here, I have continued to spend time with him as a friend. He is an alcoholic and I was been the only person he talked to about his addiction, so I felt somehow “responsible” for him. Since we’ve broken up, he has built up a new support network and I no longer feel “responsible” as I did before.

I knew that I would eventually need to break the friendship off entirely, and last night felt like a good time to do it. I explained to him that my “new” relationship with my husband couldn’t flourish if I was still spending time with him one-on-one. Anyway, that’s one less obstacle on my path toward reconciling my marriage.

I have this “woohoo!” feeling every time I make a step in the right direction, and I know this step was absolutely necessary…so…woohoo!

(P.S. Yes, I have honest with my (ex)husband about my relationship with this friend.)

 

[monicatholic]

woo hoo is right!!

as an AA sober-for-25 years person, i will refrain from the co-dependent tanget i’m tempted to take. i’ll just say this:

the single BEST thing you can do for your alcoholic pal is to pray for him. you and your husband might offer prayers together for your friend. if he really really needs something (like someone to take him to rehab) then you and your husband can do it together.

aside from that, alcoholic men need to turn to someone other than married women for their support. and married women need to let them.

 

[karoleck]

Dear Augusta Sans,
You are between a rock and a hard place!! The shadow of The Cross certainly has cast itself on you and your husband.I have been reading the different threads and your relpy.I personally would advise you to have a heart to heart talk with a good,wise and if possible,holy priest.A thread like this cannot deal with your personal situation,except in a general way.I remember reading the life of G.K.Chesterton,it may have been his autobiography(I cannot remember) he like you was a convert.His personal story about his marriage was basically this.He was rather a large man and his wife was rather tiny anyway,when they tried to consumate the marriage,his wife reacted from the pain and so instead of proceeding,in considering her,he stopped the act.They did get advise on their situation,individually and together,someone told him that he should have just kept on going in the act and that this wife would have got used to it.Instead they never tried again, for the rest of their married life and both really wanted children,a sad story really-that did not stop them from loving each other very much,but I am sure a certain frustration of both parties would have been there .Yet we have received the benefits of their sadness and it became a means of holiness for them and G.K used his energy towards his writings,even with humour.I remember what Our Lady said to St.Bernadette-I do not promise happiness for you in this life!I recently shared a weekend with a married couple with two children,one about three and the other about one.The three year old has a mental and physical problem,the couples worked "full on"almost 24/7–it reminded me that all of us have crosses and this being the Feast of St.John of The Cross,he reminds us that it is a necessity for spiritual advancement.Does this help you,I doubt it very much ,I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, as well as all married couples,separated or divorced.John Paul 11, was keen to have as models "modern"married people who lead holy lives .Bl.Gemma Molla-a doctor, left her husband and other children so that the child that she was carrying would live!She knew the medical risks to her health, but sacrificed her own life instead.I personally knew a couple who went on their honeymoon and the husband did not consumate the marriage-ended up blaming her mother for "forcing"him to marry his daughter-I felt so sad for her-he was not right in his head.It is the mystery of the cross.

 

[curl]

… I remember reading the life of G.K.Chesterton,it may have been his autobiography(I cannot remember) he like you was a convert.His personal story about his marriage was basically this.He was rather a large man and his wife was rather tiny anyway,when they tried to consummate the marriage,his wife reacted from the pain and so instead of proceeding,in considering her,he stopped the act.They did get advise on their situation,individually and together,someone told him that he should have just kept on going in the act and that this wife would have got used to it.Instead they never tried again, for the rest of their married life and both really wanted children,a sad story really-that did not stop them from loving each other very much,but I am sure a certain frustration of both parties would have been there .Yet we have received the benefits of their sadness and it became a means of holiness for them and G.K used his energy towards his writings,even with humour. …

Dear karoleck.
I know you were writing to Augusta Sans, but you’ve earned an extremely heartfelt thank-you from me. (Now I have some new reading to look forward to!)

• curl

 

[kage_ar]

I remember reading the life of G.K.Chesterton,it may have been his autobiography(I cannot remember) he like you was a convert.His personal story about his marriage was basically this.He was rather a large man and his wife was rather tiny anyway,when they tried to consumate the marriage,his wife reacted from the pain and so instead of proceeding,in considering her,he stopped the act.They did get advise on their situation,individually and together,someone told him that he should have just kept on going in the act and that this wife would have got used to it.Instead they never tried again, for the rest of their married life and both really wanted children,a sad story really-that did not stop them from loving each other very much,but I am sure a certain frustration of both parties would have been there .Yet we have received the benefits of their sadness and it became a means of holiness for them and G.K used his energy towards his writings,even with humour.

This was a claim made by Mrs. Chesterton’s sister in law, and is disputed by most of the serious biographers (as well as the fact that Mrs. Chesterton had an unsuccessful surgery to help her get pregnant.

 

[karoleck]

Dear curl I wrote that thread not only to you but to so many women reading this, who need prayers,the love of Jesus and His consolations,understanding and emotional support by a fellow believer.I mentioned GK Chesterton ,as an example that the shadow of The Cross does come upon many marriages.I really do not know what to say in reply to Kage-ar,from what she wrote can I conclude that (1) they were not blessed with children-a hugh cross I feel (2)She had some medical intervention in those times to rectify the “secret womans’ business”,so she could try to have children.I really do not want to know what this private operation entailed-expect to say that the result was unsuccessful,
Since you did bring it up Kage-ar,why would G.K.Chesterton’sister in law make up such a story-I would have thought a sisters’information would have been a realiable one.It would have been a horrible lie;personally I do not believe she did lie,could you inform me why your scholars think this?I cannot remember what the name of the Book on Chesterton was and who wrote it (well over twenty years ago,sorry)I studied it at a University,the book being recommended by a Catholic Liturature Professor.I just remembered that it was very sympathetic to GK(I somehow recall he used to see a Fr.Martindale S.J.about this problem??) and was a scholarly written book-just shows you cannot always believe what you read,thank you Kage-ar–perhaps you might be able to suggest other better models where the shadow of The Cross did pass in their marriage.I meet so many women during my work, as I go to 80large offices every fortnight and many women do open up to me,all that I can do is listen to them,smile and bring all of their marital problems to my prayers(working mothers do it tough,though they do get a break from the house, but at a cost).It never ceases to amaze me how a smile can and does open up hearts!Mother of Sorrows please Bless all families and hold them close to your Immaculate Heart.St.Joseph,protect all women.Jesus meek and humble of Heart,make my Heart like unto Thine,Amen

 

[curl]

Dear curl I wrote that thread not only to you but to so many women reading this, who need prayers, the love of Jesus and His consolations, understanding and emotional support by a fellow believer. …

Not that I mind being lumped in with “so many women,” but many of us men, too, have crosses to bear in our marriages and greatly appreciate the consolation you offered.

(I did a quick google search on the G.K. Chesterton story and didn’t find anything definitive enough in either direction. Even though I was heartened by the story, I guess I really don’t have any business knowing about their marital issues, so I don’t plan to pry into his history any further. It was inspirational on a day when I particularly needed it, but its authenticity is not really critical to my survival in the long run. The continued support and consolation from CAF, however, is critical to my survival in the long run.)

Thanks again,

• curl

 

[iamrefreshed]

Another small update. After the divorce, I dated an old friend for little awhile. Though we “broke up” before I started posting here, I have continued to spend time with him as a friend. He is an alcoholic and I was been the only person he talked to about his addiction, so I felt somehow “responsible” for him. Since we’ve broken up, he has built up a new support network and I no longer feel “responsible” as I did before.

I knew that I would eventually need to break the friendship off entirely, and last night felt like a good time to do it. I explained to him that my “new” relationship with my husband couldn’t flourish if I was still spending time with him one-on-one. Anyway, that’s one less obstacle on my path toward reconciling my marriage.

I have this “woohoo!” feeling every time I make a step in the right direction, and I know this step was absolutely necessary…so…woohoo!

(P.S. Yes, I have honest with my (ex)husband about my relationship with this friend.)

If you are truly divorced please stop torturing you ex-husband!!

You have no clue how you are hurting him.

What kind of woman maintains tries to reconcile with her husband while dating others?

 

[agapewolf]

If you are truly divorced please stop torturing you ex-husband!!

You have no clue how you are hurting him.

What kind of woman maintains tries to reconcile with her husband while dating others?

And you have no clue about the whole situation. Please read the whole thread before posting such advice.

 

[newbetx]

Another small update. After the divorce, I dated an old friend for little awhile. Though we “broke up” before I started posting here, I have continued to spend time with him as a friend. He is an alcoholic and I was been the only person he talked to about his addiction, so I felt somehow “responsible” for him. Since we’ve broken up, he has built up a new support network and I no longer feel “responsible” as I did before.

I knew that I would eventually need to break the friendship off entirely, and last night felt like a good time to do it. I explained to him that my “new” relationship with my husband couldn’t flourish if I was still spending time with him one-on-one. Anyway, that’s one less obstacle on my path toward reconciling my marriage.

I have this “woohoo!” feeling every time I make a step in the right direction, and I know this step was absolutely necessary…so…woohoo!

(P.S. Yes, I have honest with my (ex)husband about my relationship with this friend.)

If you are truly divorced please stop torturing you ex-husband!!

You have no clue how you are hurting him.

What kind of woman maintains tries to reconcile with her husband while dating others?

And you have no clue about the whole situation. Please read the whole thread before posting such advice.

Well, technically, we don’t know everything that is going on here, either. Just what is said. Some of what is not said could be a real problem here and I think iamrefreshed made an not-so-unreasonable assumption. That after divorce, especially over lack of sexual satisfaction, one might consider “dating” to include more than seeing each other with clothes on.

I do not mean to imply anything, but it was a question I had about the “dating” situation, too. And I don’t expect a comment on it from Augusta, either. We know much about her private life, and don’t need to know much more. I do hope they can find the path to reconcile. It’s all about moving forward and making a clean start.

 

[iamrefreshed]

And you have no clue about the whole situation. Please read the whole thread before posting such advice.

Sorry, I do have as much a clue as anyone else reading here. I did read the whole thread. I’m happy to meet the poster who has the job of telling me what I need to do in order to post here. Were you elected agapewolf or are you self-appointed?

What I read was about a woman who, after 10 attempts at sexual relations, left her husband because there were no ‘fireworks’. I also read here that whenever she was advised something she did not like, she broke out the ‘uncharitable catholic card’. I’ve seen it used many times here by posters over the years.

I also read about an amazing man who has stood by his wife through it all, even her dating, while she continued to ‘be friends’ with him. He stood by for nearly two years now as she put herself and her personal happiness first while relegating her marriage to a place on the scrap heap. The fact that she ‘refers’ to him to her catholic friends as ‘husband’ and non-catholic as ‘ex-husband’ must make him feel just great! How does she refer to him to her dates?!

Praise God for this mans patience and love!! Hopefully, she will mature enough to understand how blessed she is and fall to her knees in thanks!

I really hope Retrouvaille opens her eyes!

Yeah, I know this will make me ‘uncharitable’.

 

[whatevergirl]

Sorry, I do have as much a clue as anyone else reading here. I did read the whole thread. I’m happy to meet the poster who has the job of telling me what I need to do in order to post here. Were you elected agapewolf or are you self-appointed?

What I read was about a woman who, after 10 attempts at sexual relations, left her husband because there were no ‘fireworks’. I also read here that whenever she was advised something she did not like, she broke out the ‘uncharitable catholic card’. I’ve seen it used many times here by posters over the years.

I also read about an amazing man who has stood by his wife through it all, even her dating, while she continued to ‘be friends’ with him. He stood by for nearly two years now as she put herself and her personal happiness first while relegating her marriage to a place on the scrap heap. The fact that she ‘refers’ to him to her catholic friends as ‘husband’ and non-catholic as ‘ex-husband’ must make him feel just great! How does she refer to him to her dates?!

Praise God for this mans patience and love!! Hopefully, she will mature enough to understand how blessed she is and fall to her knees in thanks!

I really hope Retrouvaille opens her eyes!

Yeah, I know this will make me ‘uncharitable’.

*Hi iamrefreshed;

Many of us make mistakes in this life, and the important thing is to learn from them, and get back up…carrying our cross alongside Christ. I think that this thread shows the power of prayer, and that Augusta came to the conclusion that her issues with her husband/marriage, are solveable…and she seems to be on her way to reconciliation with him. It takes courage to admit one is wrong, and reach out to ask for advice. I think that Augusta knows her husband is a great guy, but she had some learning to do about marriage, about herself…sometimes, some of us fall, but as long as we take the outstretched hand of Christ to lift us back up–that’s what counts.

Just my two cents. *

 

[iamrefreshed]

Hi iamrefreshed;

*Many of us make mistakes in this life, and the important thing is to learn from them, and get back up…carrying our cross alongside Christ. I think that this thread shows the power of prayer, and that Augusta came to the conclusion that her issues with her husband/marriage, are solveable…and she seems to be on her way to reconciliation with him. It takes courage to admit one is wrong, and reach out to ask for advice. I think that Augusta knows her husband is a great guy, but she had some learning to do about marriage, about herself…sometimes, some of us fall, but as long as we take the outstretched hand of Christ to lift us back up–that’s what counts. *

*Just my two cents. *

I don’t disagree whatevergirl, but even Jesus took action against the money changers.

Getting to understand where someone is coming from on a forum is difficult. Here we have one thread with one side to the story. I find that reading someones posts on other threads throughout the site gives one a much better insight into a poster. I would suggest all those coddling this young lady read her advice to others.

Praying is great but there is also a time and place for firm action. I can pray for the child in the street to not be hit by an oncoming bus, but my prayers are better spent if I recite them while running into the road to grab her!

 

[agapewolf]

Sorry, I do have as much a clue as anyone else reading here. I did read the whole thread. I’m happy to meet the poster who has the job of telling me what I need to do in order to post here. Were you elected agapewolf or are you self-appointed?

What I read was about a woman who, after 10 attempts at sexual relations, left her husband because there were no ‘fireworks’. I also read here that whenever she was advised something she did not like, she broke out the ‘uncharitable catholic card’. I’ve seen it used many times here by posters over the years.

I also read about an amazing man who has stood by his wife through it all, even her dating, while she continued to ‘be friends’ with him. He stood by for nearly two years now as she put herself and her personal happiness first while relegating her marriage to a place on the scrap heap. The fact that she ‘refers’ to him to her catholic friends as ‘husband’ and non-catholic as ‘ex-husband’ must make him feel just great! How does she refer to him to her dates?!

Praise God for this mans patience and love!! Hopefully, she will mature enough to understand how blessed she is and fall to her knees in thanks!

I really hope Retrouvaille opens her eyes!

Yeah, I know this will make me ‘uncharitable’.

And apparently you missed the whole 2nd half of the thread where they are reconciling and she is making huge moves to working on their marriage. Your advice about “torturing him” and dating others was not needed, as she is no longer doing that.

This isn’t about telling you what you need to do to post, this is about you doing harm by not keeping up to date with the whole situation. I was standing up for the OP because your post was unnecessary.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

I would suggest all those coddling this young lady read her advice to others.

Where, in my advice to others, did I imply that I “maintain[ed that I was trying] to reconcile with [my] husband while dating others”? We were separated for a year, then legally divorced. I dated someone else after the divorce, and was completely honest with my (ex)husband about it. I was not trying to reconcile with him during this time.

After I stopped dating the “someone else,” I stumbled across this forum. I registered and asked if the users here felt it was possible to reconcile. It took a month or two for the “love is a choice” concept to sink in (and of course I was stubborn and unwilling to even give it a try!) I read more, I kept asking questions and reading the answers, and I decided I had nothing to lose by experimenting with the “choose to act lovingly” concept. Right off the bat, it worked.

Those of you who have cheered me on, patiently answered my questions and offered suggestions: I wish you could have seen us that first time I “acted lovingly” toward him, even though I wasn’t “feeling love.” He was overwhelmed by the love I was showing him, and I was overwhelmed by the love I felt toward him. It wasn’t a glorious blaze of love, but it was a spark–and after two years believing it was impossible to feel romantic love toward him, that spark felt amazing!

Since then, every time I see him, I continue to follow your advice. It becomes more effortless with practice. Fortunately, I have the kindest most patient man in the world to practice my “choose to love” experiment on.

He stopped by my place on his way home last night and we snuggled on the couch and had a nice chat. Nothing serious or romantic, but for the first time in a long time, I felt myself snuggling closer and wanting to kiss him (and of course, I did; and of course, it was great!)

I wish I could share these stories with you all in person so you could see my new-found excitement and joy. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and updated her on the saga. She was brimming with tears of joy for us. I know it will be a difficult journey toward reconciling, but I feel like finally we’ve got the right tools to get there.

I’m not sure if I’ll keep posting updates publicly on the forum. A few people have send me private messages asking to be kept updated. If you’d like to be on “the list,” please send me a private message.

 

[iamrefreshed]

And apparently you missed the whole 2nd half of the thread where they are reconciling and she is making huge moves to working on their marriage. Your advice about “torturing him” and dating others was not needed, as she is no longer doing that.

This isn’t about telling you what you need to do to post, this is about you doing harm by not keeping up to date with the whole situation. I was standing up for the OP because your post was unnecessary.

Glad you’re here to deem what is ‘necessary’ or not!

 

[agapewolf]

Glad you’re here to deem what is ‘necessary’ or not!

If I didn’t say it, someone else would have…

you could just humbly accept the fact that your post was not accurate to the current situation and that you spoke out of turn, instead of sarcastically attacking the messenger.

 

[zz912]

This thread has been very interesting, and please do keep the updates on the thread coming!

As others have said and I think you have leaned about, in this culture, Love is only thought of as a “feeling” that we either have or don’t, and are powerless over. Love is a verb, it is an act. It is something you “do”.

And as a guy, here is a bit of wisdom. It takes WAAAY more experience than 10 times to know what you are doing in the bedroom. When you two are ready to re-consumate your marriage, I would suggest that you keep it fun, playful, and completely STRESS FREE. Have some fun and both of you realize that there will be goof ups, mistakes, and all around incompetence for some time. Laugh at the growing pains, and just charge right through. If something goes wrong (and it WILL), just laugh it off and resolve to try again soon, preferably VERY soon. (the longer you wait, the longer you stress over what went wrong).

God Bless!