My marriage is over

  • Thread starter Thread starter Diver_Zero
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Diver_Zero

Guest
WOW. i never expected to get some 120 odd responses. i have been putting things in order for myself, as my marriage is now beyond reconcoliation. I am going to take a job diving at an oil platform in the gulf of Mexico. this is firstly to just get myself away from all of ths, and to protect my finances and pay from court ordered child support. I will be working for a Mexican based company through contract,and my salary cant be taken by US courts. i also need to, if i am going to go abroad, leave now so that a family court cant revoke my US passport.

i did try as best i could. but my wife’s parents came into town for the remaining 1.5 months of her pregnancy. they had no idea what was going on between us. i did as someone suggested [and my company doctor], and asked my wife to get tested for STD’s and HIV, and got my bloodwork done. she refused to do it, and the request sparked a fight to end all fights. her parents of course took her side, not knowing the full story. i finally came out and told them that i am not the father of the baby. i guess they didnt like a less than perfect picture of their daughter that it painted.

they are VEEEERRY conservative folks, and it did not go over well. my wife of course was furious, and decided that she didnt want me in the child’s life at all now. she only reenforced what i already felt.

im sorry, but i dont feel any of this is my fault. i do have a job that takes me away, sometimes. but you know what, most of the year i am AT HOME doing absolutely nothing but making sure my wife is having a good life.

the headaches, the sometimes nitrogen sickness, the constant physicals and bloodwork, all the side effects of my job. diving like i do is so dangerous that you would not beleive the pay. if i wanted to make just as much as the average american family, i would only have to work 2 months every 3 yrs.

its not like my wife just sat at home, i was paying for her to go to a private catholic college for her bachelors, and next her MBA. 26,000 a year with no financial aid. so when im home, all she had to do was go to class and study. thats it. there was no stress in her life other than tests and papers. automatic bill pay, all our taxes done by the company, health insurance from God himself. all because my body is abused a few months every year.

maybe she got spoiled. there are very few people that do what i do, and we are treated as kings. that is, until we are killed or out bodies fall apart. all i know is that we finally reached the end of our ropes, and she is now ready to definitively end the marriage.
 
Hello again,

I’m sorry to hear about all of this. You are in my prayers. Please know that there’s a plan for you with God - that HE forgets about no one. In our darkest moments He is the closest!

Yes, once you called her on this now she’s taken the position that she doesn’t was YOU in the child’s life. How honorable of her <> – but perhaps this is the best route of all.

Give yourself time to get closer to God during all of this…

We are all praying for you!
Blessings,
Joanie
 
i said I wouldn’t judge you either way and I stand by my original assertion.

I totally understand your decision.

Good luck to you.
 
God bless you in this. I will pray for your health, safety and peace of mind.
 
40.png
Diver_Zero:
WOW. i never expected to get some 120 odd responses. i have been putting things in order for myself, as my marriage is now beyond reconcoliation. I am going to take a job diving at an oil platform in the gulf of Mexico. this is firstly to just get myself away from all of ths, and to protect my finances and pay from court ordered child support. I .
Click to expand...
sorry your marriage is over, sorry you found it necessary to take a job that kept you away from your family for months at a time, and especially sorry that you have decided to evade your duty to support your children, hope very much you get some counselling and education on the duties of a father and husband before you attempt to heal this relationship or embark on another one. we will be praying for you.
 
Puzzleannie,

He hasn’t evaded his duty to support HIS children because the child isn’t HIS.

His wife took a vow and broke it. To me, that says that she was extremely selfish. If it were me and my husband put me through school and had a dangerous job that ensure me a good life for me and my children to come, I’d be eternally grateful to him, I wouldn’t turn around and cheat on him for no apparent reason. As far as he’s said, I don’t think she even gave a reason for her actions.

Now, I was first of the mind that he should stay and raise the child, I know that is what I would do (I’ve been in this situation and the possiblity did come up). But I can understand the resentment and I don’t blame him one bit.
 
40.png
Diver_Zero:
im sorry, but i dont feel any of this is my fault. .
Click to expand...
What does fault have to do with anything?

You married her. You entered into a covenant with her.
She broke her end of the covenant.
So that makes it ok for you to break yours?
No.

You are still bound by the vows you took.
A child is about to be raised in a split home, not because of your wife, but because of you.
You are putting your own interests above those of your wife and her child.
And all out of pride.
Yes, you’re feelings are hurt.
Yes, the trust is broken.
But marriage is for a lifetime.
And your marriage can be saved.
Many other couples have done the work to save theirs in similar situations.
Do not be a coward.
Be strong.
Face your responsibilities as the husband of this woman and embrace this child.
This child is not another man’s.
This child is God’s, and He has entrusted the child’s life & soul into your hands.
He has faith in you.
He does not want you to run away.
By staying put, living the example of forgiveness, honor, duty to God’s plan above your own or that of your wife, you may be able to convert your wife’s heart and you deffinitely will be setting a wonderful example to God’s child.

Will it be difficult?
You betcha.
But you will not be alone.
Your wife will fight you tooth and nail, but I suspect you would have the support of her parents.
And you will have the Holy Spirit to get you through this.
Trust in Him.
 
May Jesus and His Mother watch over all of you…

and my prayers are with you and your family…:bowdown:
 
40.png
YinYangMom:
This child is God’s, and He has entrusted the child’s life & soul into your hands.
Click to expand...
says you. i would think that it’s almost self-evident that He has entrusted the child into the hands of the father. i mean, if it was that guy posting here, wondering what he should do, i’m almost certain you’d tell him exactly the same thing: god has given him a child to support, body and soul.
40.png
YinYangMom:
He has faith in you.
He does not want you to run away.
Click to expand...
but i’d bet my bottom dollar he wants diver to be happy.
40.png
YinYangMom:
By staying put, living the example of forgiveness, honor, duty to God’s plan above your own or that of your wife, you may be able to convert your wife’s heart and you deffinitely will be setting a wonderful example to God’s child.

Will it be difficult?
You betcha.
But you will not be alone.
Your wife will fight you tooth and nail, but I suspect you would have the support of her parents.
And you will have the Holy Spirit to get you through this.
Trust in Him.
Click to expand...
what sort of example will a child have growing up in a home where the father mistrusts a mother who fights the father tooth and nail?

there is little difference, to me, between your advice for this man to remain in this particular marriage and the same advice offered to a woman that she remain with her abusive husband; both individuals are in situations in which it has become morally impossible for them to remain.

of course, you can simply stipulate that physical violence is categorically different from infidelity, and that only the former is a good reason to separate from one’s spouse; and i would simply disagree.

look, marriage is forever, but living under the same roof often is not. forgiveness is mandatory, but trust is not.

and why should this man pay to support another man’s child? at law it is the father’s responsibility. i would say that the husband of an unfaithful wife who is the mother of her lover’s child would have a moral duty to support the both of them if they were completely without means, but that isn’t the case here. not yet, anyway.
 
Diver,

You got a super raw deal. I truly feel sorry for you.

For what its worth, if I were you, I probably would have handled it the same way.

God bless.
 
As soon as you can begin work on the annulment process. In your case they may not require a civil divorce before they move forward. Don’t put this off because it just becomes a greater problem later on in life.
 
john doran:
says you. i would think that it’s almost self-evident that He has entrusted the child into the hands of the father. i mean, if it was that guy posting here, wondering what he should do, i’m almost certain you’d tell him exactly the same thing: god has given him a child to support, body and soul.

He entrusted the child to the mother who is carrying it. By the marriage covenant that child becomes the husband’s of the wife. If Joseph had taken that approach we’d be in deep trouble right now.

but i’d bet my bottom dollar he wants diver to be happy.
He can be happy as a father to this new life, especially since he would be following the Church teachings on being a chaste spouse.

what sort of example will a child have growing up in a home where the father mistrusts a mother who fights the father tooth and nail?
It is the responsibility of the father to work through those issues through counseling with a priest and/or therapist so that the child never experiences that from him.

there is little difference, to me, between your advice for this man to remain in this particular marriage and the same advice offered to a woman that she remain with her abusive husband; both individuals are in situations in which it has become morally impossible for them to remain.
Are we speaking about physical abuse or verbal? If physical, then the woman is certainly free to leave the premises. She’d remain married, however, but she is not obliged to put her life or that of their children in harm’s way. It doesn’t release her from her vows.
Verbal is trickier, but again, if the husband is unwilling, the wife still carries responsibility to seek counseling through a priest and/or therapist to help her resolve the situation.

And, excuse me…raising another person’s child is not morally impossible. It’s a challenge, yes, but only because of pride and ego. Resolve the ego/pride issues and it can be quite rewarding.

of course, you can simply stipulate that physical violence is categorically different from infidelity, and that only the former is a good reason to separate from one’s spouse; and i would simply disagree.
Disagree all you want. From the Church’s teachings, married couples are obliged to do everything they possibly can to repair the relationship. Separation is an option, but divorce never is. Annulment can come into play but it has to be after all other means to fix things have been exhausted.

look, marriage is forever, but living under the same roof often is not. forgiveness is mandatory, but trust is not.
??? Says who?

and why should this man pay to support another man’s child? at law it is the father’s responsibility. i would say that the husband of an unfaithful wife who is the mother of her lover’s child would have a moral duty to support the both of them if they were completely without means, but that isn’t the case here. not yet, anyway.
Because the child is also the responsibility of the mother and he is married to her for life. As for the moral duty…I’m talking about Catholic obligation. I don’t recognize your guidelines of morality as being consistent with Church teachings.
Click to expand...
 
Maybe I should reread your post, because after reading some of the other replies it sounds like you are the one that decided not to take care of this child, but in your post I thought you had said that when you asked your wife to have testing done for HIV and STD’s she became angry, and that somehow her parents became involved and took her side so you told them the baby is not yours, it made her angry and she said she didn’t want you to be part of the baby’s life (I will definitely reread that part at least, just in case I don’t have it straight). I don’t know if you are doing anything else to try to save your marriage, or if you honestly feel youv’e done everything you can and she is the one that doesn’t want to work things out. Maybe you shouldn’t have revealed to her parents in such a way what she did, but I don’t think that your request for her to be tested for HIV and STD’s was unreasonable at all. I also don’t think that you should feel bad about the type of work you do because it keeps you away from home for certain amounts of time. There’s is only so much you can do if your wife is the one who decides it’s over between you for one reason or another and you shouldn’t feel guilty if you can honestly say you are trying to work things out. But that is the key- is she ending it after all this, or are you ending this because it’s so hard for you to deal with or because you haven’t really tried to save your marriage? These are times when you can show God how good of a servant you can be. Often when we are trying to truly be what God wants us to be it means doing or accept something when you feel like it’s the last thing you could possibly do. You and your wife and child will be in my prayers.
 
Tamara,

I’m also keeping in mind that the wife, when she told him he’d never be a part of the child’s life, was hormonal and angry at the time. It’s possible with the help of her parents and after the hormones of the pregnancy subside, and time passes, she may think more rationally about everything.

A patient husband would stay put in the marriage until that time, at the very least. Later, after much counseling, should the couple still determine it best to end the marriage, then so be it. But right now emotions are high and there is a lot of pain which can cloud their judgement.

As for the testing. So she said no. If she contracted an STD symptoms will develop over time. If the child inherits any STD it will be revealed to the husband and wife in the pediatric visits. It is perfectly within Catholic guidelines that the man not engage in sexual relations with the wife until he is certain she will not endanger his health/life. She will, eventually, need to get tested and have the results released to him by her doctor. Counseling will help her understand and comply with the request.

Bottom line: there are many options out there for this man than to just run to Mexico to protect his pride and assets.
 
Does she show any remorse at all? I realize that the words, I am sorry, don’t always mean anything but does she at least act as though she is sorry? There are some marriages that survive adultry and become stronger. I don’t know if yours is one of these.

I see nothing wrong with asking her to take a test for STDs and HIV. THis seems like a reasonable request considering her history. I am curious as to how her parents found out that you had asked for this. Did you ask in front of them or did she tell them herself?

I am not going to give you advise about staying or leaving. That is your call. I do hope that you are in contact with your priest and have someone competent to advise you.
 
40.png
YinYangMom:
Tamara,

I’m also keeping in mind that the wife, when she told him he’d never be a part of the child’s life, was hormonal and angry at the time. It’s possible with the help of her parents and after the hormones of the pregnancy subside, and time passes, she may think more rationally about everything.

A patient husband would stay put in the marriage until that time, at the very least. Later, after much counseling, should the couple still determine it best to end the marriage, then so be it. But right now emotions are high and there is a lot of pain which can cloud their judgement.

As for the testing. So she said no. If she contracted an STD symptoms will develop over time. If the child inherits any STD it will be revealed to the husband and wife in the pediatric visits. It is perfectly within Catholic guidelines that the man not engage in sexual relations with the wife until he is certain she will not endanger his health/life. She will, eventually, need to get tested and have the results released to him by her doctor. Counseling will help her understand and comply with the request.

Bottom line: there are many options out there for this man than to just run to Mexico to protect his pride and assets.
Click to expand...
Exactly.
 
Where’s the bio father in all of this? Is he stepping up to the plate and bearing ANY responsibility for this mess - or is he totally out of the picture?

Maybe “mom” has other plans which is why she doesn’t want her husband involved.
Blessings,
Joanie
 
**Is there a reason why the wife said she wouldn’t take an STD test?

Did she say why she wouldn’t, or did she just say “no” without a reason.

She may be scared to take this test, no excuse, but could fear be the reason? Fear that she may have an STD?

This is all so sad.

And as I stated in my other post, I still think there is something we are not “hearing”.

I have NO idea what it is, but I’m very curious what the wife’s story is.

What a mess, I’m so sorry for everyone… wife, husband, child and other man. btw, has this other man been contacted?

Maybe it’s best, for now, that Diver get away.
He needs to think as well as the wife.

😦
**
 
40.png
YinYangMom:
She broke her end of the covenant.
So that makes it ok for you to break yours?
No.
Click to expand...
This is a nice sentiment, but it does not reflect Church teaching. What the Church teaches is that adultery does indeed make it ok for the innocent party to perpetually separate from the adulterous spouse.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top