My marriage is over

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Diver_Zeroi cant help how i was raised and trained said:
is such a blatant violation of trust that i cant accept it.
Code:
This is not a case of a mistaken ‘one-night stand’…but pre-meditated adultery…:rolleyes: Far be it from me to judge this woman…but we are allowed to judge actions. One ‘mistake’ performed for 14 nights is not a mistake at all! Go figure…
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I had a hunch it was a fellow student that she had an affair with. It doesn’t sound like she is at all remorseful but only angry because you won’t do what she wants you to do. You can not have a marriage with someone who views you and your marriage in this way. It will only get worse, unfortunately. Please apply for an annulment when you are able to (but BEFORE you get involved with other women). God bless you.
 
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Diver_Zero:
we as divers have such deep trust and reliance on each other. we accept mistakes from our comrades, but direct violation of trust is a huge no-no. when you cant trust someone out there, you all DIE. plain and simple. you drown, get lost, or get the bends.

i cant help how i was raised and trained, and i feel that by not only cheating on me, but by sleeping with and spending the night with the guy in OUR bed for two solid weeks is such a blatant violation of trust that i cant accept it.

how much more violated could i have been?
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Now I understand your position. Trust is a real biggie because of the nature of your profession. I take it she knew this going into your marriage? Or at least led you to believe she did.

Two weeks solid is not good. I would have to agree, then, with the other posters who suggest having you look into an annulment…something was really off the mark early on when you made those vows that it seems as though the maturity level to make such a committment wasn’t there on her part (and I say hers because she shows no remorse at all right now - irregardless of her hormonal situation).

The further violation you could be subjected to would be to restrict you, the honorable one in this marriage, from ever being able to love another person to start over. Thus, the reason to at least explore an annulment. Alas, if it comes down to the annulment being denied, then I guess that would be the cross God intended you to carry from this experience - rather than taking in this child as your own for life.

By the looks of it, even if you did attempt to save her, stay with her, heal the marriage, she’d shut you down - not allowing it. I would have a clearer conscience, however, if I were you, if I at least made the effort and she really did reject the offer. I’d consider that a clearer sign from God, I guess.

I’m truly sorry for your loss. I will pray you learn to forgive her and release the anger for your own sake so that you can love and trust again, if the Church allows.
 
As other’s have pointed out, the Church’s canon law explictly allows an innocent spouse to separate if the other spouse has been committed adultery. Please do not harass him for doing what the Church allows him to do.

I can sympathize with the Diver_Zero. I don’t know how I’d react if I were in his situation. I would probably react in a similar manner. I probably wouldn’t leave the country, but I get the best lawyer I could and would make sure the male with whom she committed adultery paid child support and not me.
 
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Wolseley:
Just my 2 cents worth, diver, I understand your sense of betrayal, and I don’t blame you one damned bit.
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Neither do I. And unless I am mistaken, the Church is in your corner too on the adultery issue alone.
It’s funny, but I truly believe that most people here are giving the “correct Catholic” answers. And yes, it is a Catholic forum. But I believe if others were faced with the odds you have been faced with, they would feel every bit as betrayed as you do. Given the same circumstances, I would bet they would do (or want to anyway) exactly what you did.
~ Kathy ~
 
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Shoshana:
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I am sorry but I was always under the impression that when one beds down with another of the opposite sex, there is possible/probable chance of getting pregnant. Sex=pregnanacy! Was this thought out at the time??? I doubt it. But they are not children/adolescents who would be surprised that they got caught getting pregnant when they did it only one time! Sex=pregnanacy!
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**Yes, I agree. What I was saying is that we don’t know if the two of “them” said/thought…‘let’s have sex so we can get pregnant’

That is what I meant.
Not all people have sex with the intention to get pregnant.
ALTHOUGH… it is STUPID to think otherwise that it can never happen.

Do I think the wife was wrong? YES!!
Do I think the other man was wrong? YES!!

Do I blame Diver for wanting to leave? NO!!

I just hope all parties involved will work this out.

Sorry if I offended anyone… I apologize.
This is just so sad 😦
**
 
anne1234 said:
Yes, I agree. What I was saying is that we don’t know if the two of “them” said/thought…'let’s have sex so we can get pregnant’

That is what I meant.
Not all people have sex with the intention to get pregnant.
ALTHOUGH… it is STUPID to think otherwise that it can never happen.

Do I think the wife was wrong? YES!!
Do I think the other man was wrong? YES!!

Do I blame Diver for wanting to leave? NO!!

I just hope all parties involved will work this out.

Sorry if I offended anyone… I apologize.
This is just so sad 😦
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Code:
No offense had…let us just pray for the whole situation…:bowdown:
 
I feel horrible for you Diver:crying: But I also feel horrible for the baby who did not betray anyone:crying:
 
LIke I said, maybe all 3 of them will live happily ever after.

It sounds like the 2 of them deserve each other anyway and he deserves to be seperated from this situation.
 
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Diver_Zero:
how would you all feel if while working at 150-240 feet, your wife is sleeping around with some guy in YOUR bed.

i cant help how i was raised and trained, and i feel that by not only cheating on me, but by sleeping with and spending the night with the guy in OUR bed for two solid weeks is such a blatant violation of trust that i cant accept it.

not only was he “some guy”, but he was her “study buddy” in a group for accounting at college [that i was paying for]. “some guy” who helped her though finance classes and came to my house. i actually liked him. i dont know buisiness, so i thought it was wonderful that someone would help her where i couldnt. i even told him that if he could get her through calculus, that id pay for his books as payment for his senior year.

how much more violated could i have been?
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My prayers are with you, Diver. There is such a thing as righteous anger, and you certainly have good reason to be filled with anger. I personally would never forgive a violation of my trust in such a “blatant” manner. How can there be a marriage with no trust??

God Bless You,
AnnieD
 
One thing no one here has mentioned,

Diver, I know this was more than a 1 night “mistake”, I know that lying about the baby is even more reprehensable.
I am most of all so sorry for you. You were so happy, and expecting to be a daddy! What a horrific loss- to basically loose your wife and"child" with one fell blow. I will say a special prayer for healing for you tonight.
I still believe that, as her mistake, if she was to show true remorse, and desire to heal the marriage, she should (painfully- I’m sure) give the baby up per your (prayerful?) request.

God bless you all, and Diver, stay in touch here if you need us.

One thing- if in a few months- if you should both somehow change your minds, don’t let company lawyers put the fear of God into you about ever talking to her again, ok?
 
Diver: I am so very sorry. May God guide you and all others involved in this awful situation. May He be your comfort. You be careful doing your job.
 
Diver Zero,

You seem to have struck a nerve.

While apparently there are a lot of things set into motion and it would be difficult to stop them, please do not hurry into a divorce. You will have all the rest of your life to be divorced, there is no need to rush into it. And while I have very little knowledge of who has been doing what, let me remind you that you made some promises to your wife when you married her, and I don’t recall these promises being conditional on good behavior on her part.

I can appreciate where you feel that none of this is your fault, but speaking objectively I have an extremely hard time believing it. There is always plenty of blame to go around.
  • Liberian
 
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Scanner:
LIke I said, maybe all 3 of them will live happily ever after.

It sounds like the 2 of them deserve each other anyway and he deserves to be seperated from this situation.
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Could you please explain what you mean by your post?
 
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Liberian:
Diver Zero,

You seem to have struck a nerve.

While apparently there are a lot of things set into motion and it would be difficult to stop them, please do not hurry into a divorce. You will have all the rest of your life to be divorced, there is no need to rush into it. And while I have very little knowledge of who has been doing what, let me remind you that you made some promises to your wife when you married her, and I don’t recall these promises being conditional on good behavior on her part.

I can appreciate where you feel that none of this is your fault, but speaking objectively I have an extremely hard time believing it. There is always plenty of blame to go around.
  • Liberian
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There is never a valid excuse for adultrey. And if you have not been in a situation where you have encountered adultrey for no other reason than that one’s spouse cannot remain faithful and resist sexual temptation, praise God. But I assure you such cases do exist and are all too common.
 
What a sad situation all around. I’ll be praying for all of you.
 
Several people have said that the Church allows divorce in the case of adultery.

That is not true.

Note that CCC 1650 quotes Mark 10:11-12, rather than Mt 5:32, which contains the “except for unchastity” bit. There’s a reason for that. Check this thread,

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=6724&highlight=unchastity+adultery

and this article.

catholic.com/thisrock/2000/0007bt.asp.

Now if one of the spouses entered into the marriage intending to commit adultery, that would be grounds for an annulment, as he/she entered the marraige under false pretences.
 
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Ruthie:
Several people have said that the Church allows divorce in the case of adultery.

That is not true.
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The old Catholic Encyclopedia explains this very well.

You are confusing “divorce” (divortium imperfectum) with “divorce with possible remarriage” (divortium perfectum).

The Church allows divortium imperfectum in case of adultery.

The Church does not allow divortium perfectum based on adultery alone. There must be grounds for annulment as well in order to be able to remarry.
 
My sister just received an annulment in our diocese. My priest told me that we must find a thread before the marriage and after so that we could prove there was no sacrament. The whole annulment thing is if there was a true sarament binding at the time of vows. In my sister’s case, there was absolutely none. He started beating her up before marriage and then after. He beat her into submission…although she has also some pathological problems. But there was a very perceptible thread.

An affair does not invalidate the sacrament…even if she had 100 of them. BUT if she had an affair before she married and continued this behaviour after, well, that would be some great greounds. By her behaiour, she lied saying her vows…hypothetically…
 
Don’t we all stray from the path? Don’t we all sin? We’re not perfect, and God knows that. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect.

The vows you took during your marriage were not only vows. They were promises made in God’s house. In His home. It’s a new fad to change ‘till death do us part’ to ‘as long as our love lasts’ etc. Perhaps we should tweak them to… ‘as long as we’re faithful?’

Or does that sound too unnerving for you?

She messed up and I realize you’re hurt, but you can’t say you’re perfect. Sin is sin to God. Mortal and veniel. Everyone has commited each of these, but we have confession and then we’re clean.

Try to forgive her. Jesus said to forgive as much as we have to. He never said that being a Catholic shall be easy.

At least think of the child that’ll probably grow up without a father if you leave. I doubt the bio-dad is going to hang around, and if he does, for him to really be part of his child’s life, he’d have to be married to your wife.

Which I doubt you want.

I’ll pray for all of you involved. Trust in God… He never gives us more than we can handle. So, stick around.
 
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