My marriage is over

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Diver_Zero:
WOW. i never expected to get some 120 odd responses. i have been putting things in order for myself, as my marriage is now beyond reconcoliation. I am going to take a job diving at an oil platform in the gulf of Mexico. this is firstly to just get myself away from all of ths, and to protect my finances and pay from court ordered child support. I will be working for a Mexican based company through contract,and my salary cant be taken by US courts. i also need to, if i am going to go abroad, leave now so that a family court cant revoke my US passport.

i did try as best i could. but my wife’s parents came into town for the remaining 1.5 months of her pregnancy. they had no idea what was going on between us. i did as someone suggested [and my company doctor], and asked my wife to get tested for STD’s and HIV, and got my bloodwork done. she refused to do it, and the request sparked a fight to end all fights. her parents of course took her side, not knowing the full story. i finally came out and told them that i am not the father of the baby. i guess they didnt like a less than perfect picture of their daughter that it painted.

they are VEEEERRY conservative folks, and it did not go over well. my wife of course was furious, and decided that she didnt want me in the child’s life at all now. she only reenforced what i already felt.

im sorry, but i dont feel any of this is my fault. i do have a job that takes me away, sometimes. but you know what, most of the year i am AT HOME doing absolutely nothing but making sure my wife is having a good life.

the headaches, the sometimes nitrogen sickness, the constant physicals and bloodwork, all the side effects of my job. diving like i do is so dangerous that you would not beleive the pay. if i wanted to make just as much as the average american family, i would only have to work 2 months every 3 yrs.

its not like my wife just sat at home, i was paying for her to go to a private catholic college for her bachelors, and next her MBA. 26,000 a year with no financial aid. so when im home, all she had to do was go to class and study. thats it. there was no stress in her life other than tests and papers. automatic bill pay, all our taxes done by the company, health insurance from God himself. all because my body is abused a few months every year.

maybe she got spoiled. there are very few people that do what i do, and we are treated as kings. that is, until we are killed or out bodies fall apart. all i know is that we finally reached the end of our ropes, and she is now ready to definitively end the marriage.
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I might have missed this in an earlier post but were you and your wife married in the Catholic church?
 
Pro-Life Teen- If you really are a teen then I expect you don’t have the life experience needed to understand the gravity of the OP’s situation. I’m not writing you off because of your age, but this is a situation involving two adults with serious marriage problems. It’s a lot more complicated that just trying to forgive her and moving on.

Diver- What a horrible situation all around. It seems that the Church is on your side entirely. I wish you the best whatever you decide. I will be praying for you.
 
Pro-Life Teen-I am not a teen (by any stretch of the imagination) and I do have the life experience to understand the gravity of the OP’s situation. And I know what it’s like to have serious marriage problems.

I think you are wise beyond your years. While they would both need to make a serious effort in their marriage to recover from this blow I do believe the ultimate solution is to forgive and move on.
 
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rayne89:
Pro-Life Teen-I am not a teen (by any stretch of the imagination) and I do have the life experience to understand the gravity of the OP’s situation. And I know what it’s like to have serious marriage problems.

I think you are wise beyond your years. While they would both need to make a serious effort in their marriage to recover from this blow I do believe the ultimate solution is to forgive and move on.
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Praise God. Finally a post that expresses the mind of the Faith.
 
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Shoshana:
My sister just received an annulment in our diocese. My priest told me that we must find a thread before the marriage and after so that we could prove there was no sacrament. The whole annulment thing is if there was a true sarament binding at the time of vows. In my sister’s case, there was absolutely none. He started beating her up before marriage and then after. He beat her into submission…although she has also some pathological problems. But there was a very perceptible thread.

An affair does not invalidate the sacrament…even if she had 100 of them. BUT if she had an affair before she married and continued this behaviour after, well, that would be some great greounds. By her behaiour, she lied saying her vows…hypothetically…
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Diver,
My heart goes out to you in this ‘messed up’ situation.
I wouldn’t expect an annullment so soon. By what you wrote in the beginning of this thread, you wife certainly isn’t in the frame of mind to go through with one. I get the impression that IF she was having an affair before you got married, that may be difficult to prove.

I’ll be lighting a candle for you tomorrow at Church. and offer up something to Our Lord for you.

Peace,
Edwin
 
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Vincent1560:
There is never a valid excuse for adultrey. And if you have not been in a situation where you have encountered adultrey for no other reason than that one’s spouse cannot remain faithful and resist sexual temptation, praise God. But I assure you such cases do exist and are all too common.
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Vincent,

I agree that three is never a valid excuse for adultery, and I am certainly not saying that the wife is blameless. And while I have not been in Diver Zero’s specific position, three months ago I was defending myself in court from false legal charges filed against me by my wife, who is now trying to get a judge to award her eighty percent of my take-home pay. So I know a little bit about how it feels.

What I am saying, though, is just because the wife sinned is no excuse for the husband to sin as well. Certainly there is great anger involved–I’m feeling some myself in my situation–but as Paul said, “be angry but do not sin.” Let’s try to be constructive in our difficult situations.

What problems is a divorce going to solve? There will still be anger, there will still be money hassles, and there will still be the usual difficulties of everyday life. I have spoken to several divorced people and when the question comes up more often than not I hear a litany of problems that the person is having with the ex.

Another point of view here is that of the child. What did the child do to deserve a broken home? If it is possible to save the marriage, then every effort should be made to save it.

I am certainly not in a position to tell Diver Zero what he should or should not do. But our society is too full of voices that say “Divorce her!” and there is a need to stop and consider before rushing into it.
  • Liberian
 
Diver,
I am sorry, hope everything works out with you. Like Mosher had said, get the annulment ball rolling.

When someone betrays your trust especially a spouse, it will always be in the back of your head and the “What ifs” will plague you all the time.

Remember you did not do anything wrong, she is the one that screwed up.

Pray always and God will guide you. I am with you in spirit brother.
 
Diver_Zero said:
\im sorry, but i dont feel any of this is my fault. i do have a job that takes me away, sometimes. but you know what, most of the year i am AT HOME doing absolutely nothing but making sure my wife is having a good life.
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Dear Diver 0-
I didn’t read the previous posters, but mostly just wanted to make a comment about this statement you made…

My words may not be what you want to hear right now, and of course you have every right to ignore. This is your fault, just as much as hers for the simple reason that YOU made a promise to God. If you decide to break that promise it is no one elses fault but your own.

FORGIVENESS. A mighty hard virtue, but ever so essential. Forgive her, as Christ forgives you. Love her as you promised God you would. Realize that in order to follow Jesus, He calls us to Sacrifice, fasting, and penance. This life is for Him, and you are the only one responsible for your actions.
 
What a horrible situation. Please pray for the biological father to step in and take claim of his family. Diver, you need to get an annulment and move on. In time I pray that you find a woman who is not spoiled and will remain faithful to you.
 
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movingmom:
What a horrible situation. Please pray for the biological father to step in and take claim of his family. Diver, you need to get an annulment and move on. In time I pray that you find a woman who is not spoiled and will remain faithful to you.
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?
In another thread you just told me that we all make mistakes in different degrees. Was this not a mistake for her? A higher degree than most, but still a mistake.

As for annulemt, you can’t hand those out like candy. They’re not a divorce. An annulemt is just a decree that the marriage was never there. Not that you were married, there was a mistake, and you can be unmarried.

Jesus saved the woman that had commited adultry. He told her to rise up, sin no more, and go on her way. No one stoned her. Then why are we here, ‘stoning’ Diver’s wife? Telling him to leave her seven months pregnant? I realize the child isn’t his, but he could at least stay until the child’s born.

She sinned. We all sin. We can repent. I say we pray that she goes to Confession, has Our Lord clean her soul from sin, and Diver’s marriage reconstruct.

And it used to be that only about five marriages were declared null a year. Now it’s a lot more. In the thousands I believe. So, are we just trying for annulments over any ‘little thing?’ Then why are we frowning at the divorce rates? Are we not trying to get out of marriages that quickly as well?

God never gives you more than you can handle. There is no reason to drop everything and leave on the person you told in God’s House that you were have to love and to hold, in sickness, in health. For better or for worse, 'till death may you part.
 
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Pro-Life_Teen:
Code:
During this conversation, I have given facts…I never told the man to do anything…

The question is whether the woman apologized and repents from her past behaviour. Yes, Jesus told the woman to sin more, but in this case, we do not know if she is there yet…
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Pro_Life_Teen, in many previous threads I have agreed with your posts. However, I just can’t help thinking that you’re being naive. I don’t blame Driver_Zero one bit. I don’t know if I would have been able to stay as long as he has, and I’m not a bad person.

Michael :nope:
 
I apologize to all if this has been stated but GOD gave special graces to Mary and Joseph. Who knows an angel might come to Diver and give him a message. Who knows what will happen when he leaves. It looks at this time that a decision has been made- but it does not mean the end. Did Mary and Joeseph think they would live in Egypt forever?
God can make the crocked roads straight. The prodical son (wife) came home. FAITH HOPE AND LOVE
 
PS DIVER I hope you save all this many love and hope and pray for you. Mary pondered all those things in her heart. AMEN
 
One thing that suprises me on this forum, and I guess in general- is how many catholics fall back on the annulment as being o.k. When we say our vows, we are all adults, and no one is pointing a gun to our head. We promise God to death to us part, through good times and bad. We say these vows knowing full well that our partner is human, and will sin and make mistakes that will need to be dealt with. I’m not trying to be cold, but I have recently gone through a situation involving whether or not I should get a divorce. I was right where you are at now. I was ready to go see a lawyer. Then, through the Grace of God, I was shown that there is never a reason to break a promise that you make to God. I fear that you may find out that in doing so you may be turning your back on his plan for your life. There are always two choices. We are called to make the highest choice. It may mean showing more humility and forgiveness than you ever imagined could be in you, but I promise you- God will see, and God will bless you for keeping your promise. He did with me. The day that I made the final action to change my discision to get divorced, I started receiving wonderful graces. Things/signs that made it very apparant I was on the right road, the narrow road.
 
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tossolul:
When we say our vows, we are all adults, and no one is pointing a gun to our head. We promise God to death to us part, through good times and bad. We say these vows knowing full well that our partner is human, and will sin and make mistakes that will need to be dealt with.
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Unfortunately, I’m not convinced this is the case. In my FOCCUS sessions with engaged couples of our parish there have been few couples who really comprehend the sacramentality of marriage and that it’s a covenant, not a contract. It’s been news to all but 2 couples presented to us and when we’ve tried to emphasize that point we can feel the resistance from one partner or the other. Several couples openly state that they’d certainly fight to save a marriage but there is a point at which they would concede defeat. With those couples we try to emphasize how doing so would mean they are not free to enter into another relationship because of the one they are about to take now.

They just don’t ‘get it’, and yet they’re allowed to be married as planned. I don’t know why the priests feel compelled to accept them as ‘ready’ when they obviously aren’t.

And then years down the line, as in Diver’s case, they present their case for annulment and somehow the council rules they were not mature enough to exchange the vows at the time and therefore the marriage was not valid. It frustrates me but I’m not the Church so I place my trust in the council.

The whole situation reinforces my teaching to my teens that selecting a partner to marry is a really, really big deal. They are getting the covenant lecture now and I’m encouraging them to make sure they repeat it back to me accurately so they can explain it to their future ‘prospects’. I’ve told them it’s non-negotiable. Whoever they marry will need to understand and fully accept their Catholic view of marriage as a covenant…if not, then they aren’t “The One”.
 
yin yang mom-

it sounds like you are a really wonderful mom, and teacher.

I also was one who didnt’ get it upon saying my vows. The first 5 years of my marriage I didn’t get it. I’m very thankful that I do get it now. I never focused on the promise to God part, just about the feeling in love. If God isn’t part of your marraige there is no way it will last.

I realize that it is acceptable to get an annulment in the catholic church. I’m not trying to say anything against church teaching. I am only saying that I think it may be being abused, and because it’s acceptable to do something, does not mean it is the best thing for your soul.

Also, as in my case- I didn’t realize the whole package I was getting myself into when I sayed my vows. I said the words, but didnt’ take them to heart- but that doesn’t mean that your still not responsible for what you promised. I didn’t understand then, but I was shown now, and so now I need to keep my promise. I hope more people are shown what I was. Keeping the family together is the best way to set the example of how to follow God, how to sacrifice for another, and how to have unconditional love for another of God’s children.
 
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