My mother in law is visiting and I am really struggling

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I have already hosted my MIL for six weeks straight this year, she then spent two months with my husband in the summer when we were in the middle on a move and on different continents and she just arrived a few days ago without it being discussed with me. Obviously a big problem is with me and my husband, he and his family have a track record of making plans which will affect me the most without asking or discussing it with me. She needs some healthcare and so this visit is open ended at the moment.

I feel I am going crazy.

I just moved and all our kids are in new schools, I have had no time to myself and now she is with me all the time. My stress level is through the roof.

My husband and I are very happy and generally have a calm and peaceful home but my MIL is always in some kind of crisis or drama. She is divorced and lives alone.

I was feeling so at peace and close to God and now I feel like a monster about to blow! Please help me.
 
Kindness said:
I have already hosted my MIL for six weeks straight this year, she then spent two months with my husband in the summer when we were in the middle on a move and on different continents and she just arrived a few days ago without it being discussed with me. Obviously a big problem is with me and my husband, he and his family have a track record of making plans which will affect me the most without asking or discussing it with me. She needs some healthcare and so this visit is open ended at the moment.

I feel I am going crazy.

I just moved and all our kids are in new schools, I have had no time to myself and now she is with me all the time. My stress level is through the roof.

My husband and I are very happy and generally have a calm and peaceful home but my MIL is always in some kind of crisis or drama. She is divorced and lives alone.

I was feeling so at peace and close to God and now I feel like a monster about to blow! Please help me.
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How about a nice grocery shopping trip all by yourself? If she offers to come, say “I’ll be back real soon!”

Try to figure out how to do one of those quick trips at least every other morning and work up to one every day. Evening outings are nice, too. Your husband and his mom ought to be able to manage everything without you, right?

If this visit continues interminably, consider taking a weekend trip elsewhere by yourself or with a kid or two. Repeat as needed every month or two, finances permitting.

Also, before doing any of the big stuff (like a weekend trip), have a talk with your husband soon (ideally when MIL is elsewhere). Tell him something like, “I’m done with having your mom here. When is she leaving?” Be sweet, but be firm and let him do the talking. If he wanders off topic remind him, “I need your mom to be gone soon. When is she leaving?”

Also, make an appointment for you and your husband to talk to your pastor about the pattern of making major decisions without you. Good news–MIL can watch the kids! Also, come to think of it, dates are nice. Even just an evening of grocery shopping together could be enjoyable.

Best wishes!
 
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. If this is a “track record” then it’s time to change it. Tell him that you can’t do this alone. If he doesn’t take the time to listen, then that should speak a lot for itself. I have to question how happy you really are in this situation. Talk to him about the possibility of putting her in a nursing home for awhile. Or get ahold of a visiting nurses group, if there is one in your area. They can come in and help with her care if she needs it. I suppose there will be a lot of other suggestions from others here. But my biggest suggestion is to speak up for yourself. Heck, it this had been me, I would have probably clobbered my husband over the head by now.
 
Thank you for responding, I have just moved and my dear friends are not reachable right now so I need to get this off my chest!

My MIL is still totally independent and not in need of constant nursing or a nursing home. She needed serious dental work (due to neglecting her teeth). My marriage is great and very balanced, in terms of neither or us dominate the other, however my husband talks to his mom and sister on the phone daily and neither of them ever contact me. They just make plans without me. I have to say all the conversations my husband and I have had since his mom came have been great, I think he realizes this was way too much and I feel I am totally done. From now on my husband can go and visit as much as he wants, whenever he wants (I never prevent him in any way) and I don’t want any of them in my home again! I know this sounds over the top and hopefully I will calm down. His mom just has no boundaries and if she wants something she will do everything in her power to get it - including finding a way to get into our new home for an extended visit before I have even unpacked.

But I think as we have all already said the issue is my husband. He doesn’t appreciate that other families are not like this, it feels like she would love to be totally co-dependent and be all over our lives and up in our business all the time if we didn’t put up boundaries.

I feel I am losing it and the worst Christian ever!

I don’t get it, everyone loves coming to stay and always says I am a great host, thank you thank you! And then they don’t contact me but just talk to me husband. To me it is weird and over involved. Both his sister and mom are divorced and seem to expect my husband to rescue them. I also think he must like that role.

I am always the bad guy (to them) but I just do not care anymore. I cannot say anything to his mom as she would love all the drama and would start yelling and screaming and phoning all of her many sisters to explain how terrible I am.

One of my children said she doesn’t like it when Nana comes because someone always ends up crying and yelling. Otherwise we have a nice peaceful home.
 
Non-serious suggestion:

“Let’s watch Everybody Loves Raymond! after the kids go to bed!”

Serious suggestion:

How about inching your “bedtime” a few minutes earlier every so often and going up to your bedroom to read or just chill? Instant MIL-free time.
Kindness said:
Thank you for responding, I have just moved and my dear friends are not reachable right now so I need to get this off my chest!

My MIL is still totally independent and not in need of constant nursing or a nursing home. She needed serious dental work (due to neglecting her teeth). My marriage is great and very balanced, in terms of neither or us dominate the other, however my husband talks to his mom and sister on the phone daily and neither of them ever contact me. They just make plans without me. I have to say all the conversations my husband and I have had since his mom came have been great, I think he realizes this was way too much and I feel I am totally done. From now on my husband can go and visit as much as he wants, whenever he wants (I never prevent him in any way) and I don’t want any of them in my home again! I know this sounds over the top and hopefully I will calm down. His mom just has no boundaries and if she wants something she will do everything in her power to get it - including finding a way to get into our new home for an extended visit before I have even unpacked.

But I think as we have all already said the issue is my husband. He doesn’t appreciate that other families are not like this, it feels like she would love to be totally co-dependent and be all over our lives and up in our business all the time if we didn’t put up boundaries.

I feel I am losing it and the worst Christian ever!

I don’t get it, everyone loves coming to stay and always says I am a great host, thank you thank you! And then they don’t contact me but just talk to me husband. To me it is weird and over involved. Both his sister and mom are divorced and seem to expect my husband to rescue them. I also think he must like that role.

I am always the bad guy (to them) but I just do not care anymore. I cannot say anything to his mom as she would love all the drama and would start yelling and screaming and phoning all of her many sisters to explain how terrible I am.

One of my children said she doesn’t like it when Nana comes because someone always ends up crying and yelling. Otherwise we have a nice peaceful home.
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My sister actually used the early bedtime method when she found herself stuck with an intrusive house guest when my sister had a little baby at home. Eventually sis was going to bed at 9 PM.
 
From very personal experience, DH needs to speak up yesterday. This same issue nearly ended our marriage. My DH felt it better to keep me calm than to start WWIII with drama laden MIL (who became very toxic after FIL died). Thank goodness a great Catholic therapist finally knocked some sense into his thick skull.

All the above posters are right. I will add this: A son leaves his father and mother and joins his wife, and the two shall become one. This does not seem to be happening.

P.S. Monicad, where are you?😉
 
My husband and MIL are spending the day together as he was able to take her along to a workplace in another city. I am realizing that my stress level is really out of whack. I feel like I could burst into tears at any time. I have booked a weekend away (i.e. hotel 5 mins from home!) because I am really scared I will lose it and upset my children. My youngest is 9 so they are old enough to be without me till Monday morning and husband and MIL can care for them. MIL is having the proceedure on Monday so hopefully she will be ready to leave sometime next week. Maybe I am overreacting but I can’t seem to control my emotions and that is worrying and scaring me because I really don’t want to say or do anything in the heat of the moment - I would be so devastated. My husband did ask me “what did I suggest” when I told him I was extremely stressed a couple of days ago, so this is my solution. I need to get away for my peace and sanity.

Of course he brought her to our house to supposedly save money on dental so unfortunately we will be more out of pocket than he expected. How can I be a loving Christian in this situation? I just want to get away.
 
Kindness said:
My husband and MIL are spending the day together as he was able to take her along to a workplace in another city. I am realizing that my stress level is really out of whack. I feel like I could burst into tears at any time. I have booked a weekend away (i.e. hotel 5 mins from home!) because I am really scared I will lose it and upset my children. My youngest is 9 so they are old enough to be without me till Monday morning and husband and MIL can care for them. MIL is having the proceedure on Monday so hopefully she will be ready to leave sometime next week. Maybe I am overreacting but I can’t seem to control my emotions and that is worrying and scaring me because I really don’t want to say or do anything in the heat of the moment - I would be so devastated. My husband did ask me “what did I suggest” when I told him I was extremely stressed a couple of days ago, so this is my solution. I need to get away for my peace and sanity.

Of course he brought her to our house to supposedly save money on dental so unfortunately we will be more out of pocket than he expected. How can I be a loving Christian in this situation? I just want to get away.
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Are you paying for her dental?

And no, you are not out-of-line. My dirty little secret…I used to take my sleep med really early in the evening to avoid her. She ignored DS (due to his disabilities), so he slept with me and DH. We cut ties when she refused to attend his First Holy Communion. Totally selfish. My son donated her gift to a pro-marriage group…his decision.
 
Yes we are paying for her dental. Her constant state of crisis includes financial. We cannot leave her in pain, she is getting infections.
 
Kindness said:
My husband and MIL are spending the day together as he was able to take her along to a workplace in another city. I am realizing that my stress level is really out of whack. I feel like I could burst into tears at any time. I have booked a weekend away (i.e. hotel 5 mins from home!) because I am really scared I will lose it and upset my children. My youngest is 9 so they are old enough to be without me till Monday morning and husband and MIL can care for them. MIL is having the proceedure on Monday so hopefully she will be ready to leave sometime next week. Maybe I am overreacting but I can’t seem to control my emotions and that is worrying and scaring me because I really don’t want to say or do anything in the heat of the moment - I would be so devastated. My husband did ask me “what did I suggest” when I told him I was extremely stressed a couple of days ago, so this is my solution. I need to get away for my peace and sanity.

Of course he brought her to our house to supposedly save money on dental so unfortunately we will be more out of pocket than he expected. How can I be a loving Christian in this situation? I just want to get away.
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Hey Kindness. Hey. So how can you be a loving Christian in this situation? Well you can know your limits for one. I mean being honest with yourself is key here. And you’re doing that just fine. I mean no one can control their emotions. I know we can subdue them for a bit. Maybe chain them up for a while. But we can’t tell them what to do while they’re in there. While they’re supposedly under our thumb.

So yeah. You’re on the right track with this. I mean wasn’t it St. Ignatious who once refused to talk with a brat of a boy because of that? Because he was afraid that all of his anger that he’d learned how to control for years would just come out? Would all burst like a volcano and ruin all that he’d worked on? So this is a thing. And you’re doing it right. Being loving doesn’t mean being a doormat. Or an appeaser. Or allowing someone to push you around. In fact that’s not really loving. Not really. Because that person might need to know they’re doing that. They might need to get these little cues from time to time. These whispered hints that they’re causing trouble. I mean don’t go and tell her. But pretending that she can do no wrong isn’t healthy for her either. Or for your husband. Or your children. And obviously not for you.

Peace Kindness. The very fact that you worry about being a loving Christian means you are one.

-Trident
 
Xantippe said:
Non-serious suggestion:

“Let’s watch Everybody Loves Raymond! after the kids go to bed!”

Serious suggestion:

How about inching your “bedtime” a few minutes earlier every so often and going up to your bedroom to read or just chill? Instant MIL-free time.
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I love your suggestions Xantippe. I find reading what you say to be a lot of fun. When you mean it that way.

Peace.

-Trident
 
Thanks Trident. I also went to bed before 8 I think last night because I had to hide! No matter what time I get up my MIL is always up first and sitting waiting for me. My husband ate later than the rest of the family last night so the dining room was empty. I put his dinner on the table and sat down to talk and my MIL immediately came in from the living room and sat next to him. I had to leave the room. I feel I have no psychological space. She also wanted to take pictures of every room and send them to her sister at our last house (my husband and I said no way) and I am sure she is taking photos of everything. I feel I have no privacy.
 
Kindness said:
Thanks Trident. I also went to bed before 8 I think last night because I had to hide! No matter what time I get up my MIL is always up first and sitting waiting for me. My husband ate later than the rest of the family last night so the dining room was empty. I put his dinner on the table and sat down to talk and my MIL immediately came in from the living room and sat next to him. I had to leave the room. I feel I have no psychological space. She also wanted to take pictures of every room and send them to her sister at our last house (my husband and I said no way) and I am sure she is taking photos of everything. I feel I have no privacy.
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It sounds like she’s haunting you. While still alive. I wonder what would happen if you acted like she wasn’t there? She pulls up a chair and you sit down before she can.

Wait. Don’t do that. That’s mean.

But I wonder if there’s a law against ‘accidentally’ dosing her coffee with sleep meds?

Like every day. 🤷

-Trident
 
After googling “dysfunctional families” out of sheer desperation I am starting to see things I never realized for the first time. One is that my husband is the Golden Child and can do no wrong, also his sister is always very compliant and tries to please all the time constantly in a way I find weird and unhealthy. She definitely puts other people’s emotional health before her own.

The other thing I have realized is my husband has hardly any friends, particularly male friends and has always told my kids that his family ie his mom and sis are enough. He has had a couple of really great guys befriend him over the 20 odd years of our marriage but they have been extroverts and he never seems to care about friendship or try to build it which it what his mom is like - she has virtually no friends and is uber dependent on her grown children emotionally (or tries to make them responsible for her in any way she can). I have always had lots of friends and I need friends and look to make them everywhere I go. Just recently I have started to wonder why my husband doesn’t desire friends. He is very personable and very successful in his career yet at the same time I think he can have low self-esteem at times. It seems to stem from his family.
 
Maybe its just his personality. I am an introvert at heart and although I do make friends, and am generally liked by aquaintances, I hardly feel the need to keep in contact. It may take over 1 year for me to feel like meeting with my closest friends (who I talk to online every odd week at most).

Most of my friends, all of whom are extroverts, usually come seeking me instead, asking to meet, eat out or go to the cinema (“anything to take you out from your house”, they say). They miss my company more than I miss theirs. It is not a lack of loving them on my part, I just have a difficult time understanding that some people need constant interaction to “stay friends”.
 
Kindness said:
Why do I feel so overwhelmed emotionally?
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Because you feel you have lost control of your life. I went through the same thing with my MIL, only she did not stay with us as she lived nearby. I grew to hate the woman, although I would not admit that because it is not Christian to have feelings of hate. Even after her death I had these awful feelings and much guilt because of them. It took a lot of counseling to get over that and free myself from the negative emotions, and I did experience a “nervous breakdown” because of it.

I was very young when I married (20) and had not learned it is ok to stand up for myself. My husband would not pay attention when I asked him to speak to his mother, and if I tried, I got scathed. The thing was, she really was otherwise a nice person, had nice friends, loved her husband and children, was very generous, but had to have control and loved to place blame and invent supposed insults.

What I should have done was personally set boundaries, even if it meant her anger. My children had a hard time also, but I made them respect her as their grandmother and they were not allowed to disrespect her, but they were definitely affected by this unhealthy family situation. I would advise you not to let it get out of control and perhaps seek some marriage counseling so perhaps your husband can see this situation more clearly and also learn to set boundaries with her and his sister.

God bless you. This is a very difficult situation.
 
It is your house and your rules (along with DH). What worries me is if she needs future medical aor dental treatment. Who pays for that? Is her finances in order?

I can’t remember if she lives near to you. However, can she upkeep her own place?

I worry about your mental health. DH and sis-in-law need to give mom a reality check, even if it means taking her to an eldercare talk (which are often free).

I am just talking from past experience. My MIL passed away this year, which turned out to be a blessing.
 
CB_Catholic said:
Because you feel you have lost control of your life. I went through the same thing with my MIL, only she did not stay with us as she lived nearby. I grew to hate the woman, although I would not admit that because it is not Christian to have feelings of hate. Even after her death I had these awful feelings and much guilt because of them. It took a lot of counseling to get over that and free myself from the negative emotions, and I did experience a “nervous breakdown” because of it.

I was very young when I married (20) and had not learned it is ok to stand up for myself. My husband would not pay attention when I asked him to speak to his mother, and if I tried, I got scathed. The thing was, she really was otherwise a nice person, had nice friends, loved her husband and children, was very generous, but had to have control and loved to place blame and invent supposed insults.

What I should have done was personally set boundaries, even if it meant her anger. My children had a hard time also, but I made them respect her as their grandmother and they were not allowed to disrespect her, but they were definitely affected by this unhealthy family situation. I would advise you not to let it get out of control and perhaps seek some marriage counseling so perhaps your husband can see this situation more clearly and also learn to set boundaries with her and his sister.

God bless you. This is a very difficult situation.
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Often, many people of feel it isn’t right to set boundaries, but they really are crucial to avoid–in some cases–getting eaten emotionally alive.
 
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