My Mother

[robert_ambrose]

MGEISING:

Hi:

Just need some advise. My mother - we will call her Hurricane Irene, is always invited to parties and holidays at our home. I embrace her with open arms.

However, for the past seven years, every party, holiday, get together - she causes havoc. She has a mean tongue and will say anything and everything she feels - without worrying about other people. She purposely does this to cause trouble. She has to be the center of everything.

This past weekend - was the last straw for me. She, once again, was invited, to a gathering we were having for relatives we hadn’t seen for over 15 years. She caused trouble - most especially with me, before anyone got there. She made the whole weekend miserable.

I am determined to not let another party and most especially a holiday - get ruined because of her. I am not exaggerating - she causes trouble no matter what the occassion. And when she and my mother inlaw get together - it is sickening. They are just unchristian like.

I need help. I have three sisters that feel the same way - but no one will stand up to her. She is a widower, and we all promised my father we would take care of her. But I need to think of my families happiness - and I feel I can no longer invite her - if she continues the same pattern.

Thoughts, concerns, what are my obligations. I am desperate.

Mgeising

She always fights with someone at the parties, if it is not me it is my

 

[robert_ambrose]

Invite her again, but this time have video cameras and tape recorders going, as well as filming her antics, film the reaction of the others.Get her back to your place with your sisters , no one else, and show her the movies,and play the audios as well . Impress on her that you love her , as a widow she probably feels very much alone . God bless.,

 

[Marie]

robert ambrose:

Invite her again, but this time have video cameras and tape recorders going, as well as filming her antics, film the reaction of the others.Get her back to your place with your sisters , no one else, and show her the movies,and play the audios as well . Impress on her that you love her , as a widow she probably feels very much alone . God bless.,

That sounds like a very good idea! It might be worth a try.

 

[MGEISING]

Well, we had a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving. My mother has acknowledge she is wrong but will not talk to me … She did not attend Thanksgiving …

Christmas Eve is one week from today - and it looks like we will FINALLY have a peaceful Christmas, since I doubt that she will be calling.

My daughter just celebrated her 13th Birthday - and because my mother is upset with me, she didn’t even call her, never mind send my daughter a card.

I can’t in a millions years ever think that I would be so upset that I wouldn’t contact my grandchildren, especially when they are so young.

Pray for us, my friends. Although it is sad, we for once will have a peacefull and Godfilled CHRISTmas, with every 25 people will actually not have to worry about HURRICANE IRENE touching down.

Merry CHRISTmas.

Mgeising!

 

[Josephene]

Noted couple of the comments few posts ago that mom made that made you feel like they were insults ( about weight and insurance ).

While it was a very neg. way to express any concern she has about your well being , and it came down as disrespectful , if not worse , it seems her intention was your well being !

You mentioned your MIL live with you some of the time ; true no insecurity or even envy should make Mom want to make you feel hurt , like she herself is ( probably only hoping for compassion - like 'now you know how it feels ').

Would your sisters help you in getting mom to be may be in a communication class ?

How about scripture studies with her ( may be the whole family ), just so that she realises you do care enough, to put it in deeds .

Hope the issue of alcohol has also been looked into - some persons are very sensitive to same and can make them behave pretty bad , even with a small drink! If any possibility of this , it would be a truly compassionate way to excuse her not being in large parties!

 

[Kate1015]

Catolico:

IMO the OP is not dishonoring her mother. She says she embraces her with open arms. I don´t think honoring your parents means you have to agree with everything they say/do, especially if what they say/do causes harm to others.
I think the fact that the OP is trying to fix the problem means she honors her mother. She could just not care and stop inviting her, but she is not doing that.

I agree w/ Catolico completely. The mom sounds like she might have Borderline Personality Disiorder. I have just endured a weekend that my mom destroyed because of her Borderline Personality Disorder issues. My Catholic counsellor suggested that I read the book Stop Walking on Eggsgells, a book about Borderline Personality, and it was very helpful. I have talked w/ my priest on many occasions about the havoc my mom wrecks on my home, and he said, “If being around your mother causes uncharitable thoughts or uncharitable words, you should be around her as little as possible.”

I hope you work w/ your sisters to get counselling for yourselves. My counsellor says that things will never change w/ my mom until she realizes that she needs to make some changes and explore some counselling herself. In the mean time, it sounds like you and your sisters need an objective 3rd party to assist you. Good luck.

 

[MGEISING]

The saga continues. I received a package in the mail from my mother - it was the Christmas gifts I sent up to her with my sister on Christmas Day. Within the package was a little note that read:

**Dear All of You:

I can’t accept your Christmas Gifts. I, of course did not read the book or use the phone card! Under the circumstances chosen on your part - I’d feel hypocritical to receive or send gifts.

Please return my Insurance Policies and you’ll be free of me in life as well as when I am called Home with Dad and Kathy, et al!

Have a good and please God, a holy life.

        Me**

What is worse - my daughter opened the package and was so upset and crying so hard, that she called my husband and told him about the note. They waited a day to give it to me - not sure of how I would respond. Of course I am deeply sad - but I feel so sorry for her.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Mgeising

 

[Giannawannabe]

It sounds like your mother closed the door. Now, all you can do is pray for her. Your daughter can join you while you pray for your mom every day. Tell your daughter that Gma has a lot of problems and it’s best if you don’t visit with her for awhile. Make sure your daughter knows that you still love your mom. She can see that you have tried your best to have a relationship with your mom. Pray is really all you can do.

 

[MGEISING]

Yes, Thank you!

 

[crystal]

I just read this whole thread and it is very heavy! I hear what everyone is saying. I see everyone’s side. Well, all the posters that is, (not your mother’s). I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s very difficult to feel like your choice is either being abused or being orphaned.

I’ve been studying about emotional and verbal abuse and I was surprised to learn that emotional and verbal abuse is worse for the abused than sexual or physical abuse! All the experts I’ve read and spoken to agree on this. Most victims of all different kinds of abuse agree with this. Just do a google search on emotional and verbal abuse and you’ll see what I mean. I find books by Patricia Evans particularly helpful.

Emotional and verbal abuse leave the deepest psychological scars and often lead to major health problems in the vicitims of this abuse. If you would advise someone to stay away from a physical abuser than it’s all the more reason to advise them to stay away from an emotional/verbal abuser.

The experts also agree that it’s extremely rare for an abuser to change and that staying away from them is the best thing you can do. And yes, they’re talking about family members too. I was even given this advice by a Catholic priest in regards to my abusive
FIL. I’m not ready to cut him off completely for personal reasons. But I do believe that it will be right for me to do so if I choose to in the future.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. I’m sure this abuse didn’t just start when you were an adult. You’ve probably suffered under it all of your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Nobody ever deserves to be abused. I believe that how we treat each other is more important to God than anything else. My prayers are with you.

Crystal

 

[MGEISING]

crystal:

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. I’m sure this abuse didn’t just start when you were an adult. You’ve probably suffered under it all of your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Nobody ever deserves to be abused. I believe that how we treat each other is more important to God than anything else. My prayers are with you.

Crystal

Thank you so much Crystal. Yes, the abuse has been ongoing - what changed me - is when the abuse started to extend to my family - my husband, our two beautiful daughters, our extended family and friends. That is when I had to say - OK … mom - you have to behave or you can’t be apart of us.

I feel I made the right decision - the happiness of my family — my only concern - and what keeps me up at night - is me disappointing my father. He passed away 8 years of Christmas Eve. I was his favorite, and I know it is some of the resentment my mother has.

She is sick … I know - I tried to lay it out on the table how she must behave when she is with us — and if you read the thread - we have many many people at holidays - that she has down right offended just because …

The thing that I am most MAD about - is that my daughter opened this package. And although the Note was to all of us - the letter was to me. I wish I could have speared her the sadness she felt …

Thanks so much Crystal. It helps to talk about it.

God’s peace,

Moe

 

[crystal]

Hi Moe,

I’m glad you were able to write back so quickly. I remember reading in your thread some posters who talked about how your father in Heaven would now see things completely clearly. Those weren’t the actual words but that is what I think the message was.

I’ve suffered alot of abuse myself and I know how those self-defeating thoughts can really be persistent and drag you down. I hope you can see that your actions are honorable and that it takes great courage for you to confront your mother and stick to what you know is right even when it really hurts. I am quite sure your father approves.

It’s obvious to me from your thread that you really love your whole family including your mother very much. You are coming from a place of love and that is always right on. You’ve obviously given this matter a great deal of thought; you’re not just carelessly acting out of selfishness. The fact that you suffered abuse your whole life and came out so whole and caring speaks volumes about your character.

Of course, those feelings of doubt and negativity are going to keep coming up. In situations like this we have to expect them. When they visit me I say to myself, “Hello sadness, (loneliness, regret, fear, mourning) I acknowledge you are here.” I sit with it. I cry and rage inside. Then I think of the positives. How strong I am to keep dealing with this. How happy I am that I have the bravery to reach out to others about this. How well adjusted I am in spite of this. How much better off your family is because of your courageous action. What a powerful lesson you are teaching your children by your example!

Alot of posters wrote that holding your mother accountable to her actions protects her as well. That’s powerful.

It’s not all negative. It’s bitter-sweet, just like all of life is.

 

[MGEISING]

Hi Crystal:

I think, perhaps, your are an Angel sent from above.

I have struggled a lot with my decision. I have even gotten one of my close sister’s upset with me - saying that I abandoned my mother and I am selfish.

I know my mom is being taken care of - my sister (with the funds of my mother) had an inlaw apartment built so she can look after her.

I had to make a decision, my families happiness or hers. If the abuse was just to me - like it was for years, I could handle it. I had handled it. But it wasn’t … it started affecting my family (whom I love more than life) and extended family and friends. I had to draw the line.

I even said to my husband — my mother acknowdges that she was wrong … why isn’t she trying to make amends … and then we get the package.

The one thing I can learn and take away from this - is it will help me in becoming a better mother. My girls idolize me now (they are 13 and 12) and I know that those difficult days are coming - but I can truly stand before our Lord and know that I couldn’t ever cut out our children, His Children off like that … and if I did, than I would be clearly offending Him. Especially since our Children are just gifts … and they truly belong to Him.

I am open with my children, I tell them I love grammy - but I do not like her … and that we need to pray for her, and for us as well. I pray for her twice or more a day.

Again, I only can pray and ask forgiveness that I have disappointed my Dad. I know deep down inside our Lord would understand my decision … after all my family — is my focus and number one concern. My mother has been horrible all my life … I didn’t want CONTINUE to bring it into my families life. This Christams was the happiest, most peaceful Christmas ever … and it is sad.

Thank you Angel from CA … I cried when I read your post … and it is so appreciated. I just wish — I just wish that my mother loved me … and was proud of me … but she isn’t … and I tear up writing this … but I know that I am a great Wife, and Mom, sure I fall short, but I truly am more sensitive of my behavior because I what I saw growing up … and the sadness left by my mom. I offer my pain up … but I know it isn’t pain like more people feel … with more problems - and I am thankful of that - is that selfish???

Thank you so Much Crystal … I so appreciate you kindness - in my deepest sorrow. Thank you ever so much.

Moe

 

[crystal]

Moe,

You’re welcome I’m glad I could be there for you. In my opinion, you’re not selfish for being grateful you don’t have it as bad as many others. You seem like a thoughtful, caring person to me.

Crystal