My Mother

[Princess_Abby]

LSK:

I have a suggestion. This has helped me so much. I got a great deal of grief from someone else on this forum for suggesting this but others have benefited greatly from this so I am going to take a big chance and suggest it to you. This will be a very long post.

Get an old shoe box and decorate it as your ‘Jesus Box’. Cut a hole in the top. Get a spiral notebook and start writing out all your negative, nasty feelings, thoughts, memories, wishes, dreams, hopes etc on your mom. Do not worry about spelling, syntax, sentence structure, what you think, feel or how bad it is. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO SEE IT. NO ONE. Not your priest, not your DH, no one. Just (excuse my delicate words) vomit your feelings onto the blank pieces of paper. Something like this “all my life that mother of mine has been opening her mouth and saying the worse stuff why can’t she keep it shut why would she say that stuff she said I was fat she said my husband is a loser she said it to my mil she told my sister I was stupid and my kids they were dumb and why won’t she just keep quiet and love me the way I am good GOD almighty is she just evil or out to get me willsheevershutupblah blah blayh” and keep writing until you are finished or exhausted. When you are done, put the paper in front of you, get on your knees and say something like this:

Dear Jesus, Here it is. This is what is on my mind, what is in my heart and what is hurting my soul. I know I am not supposed to let this hurt me, Lord but it does. You told St. Faustina that we are supposed to come to You with all that is in us. That we are supposed to trust completely in You, Lord that you will love us no matter what troubles and hurts us and keeps us from you. Well, Jesus, I trust in You. So here it is, Lord. Take it. I trust in You, Lord. Amen.

Then put it in your Jesus Box. Put the Jesus Box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet so no one, including Hurricane Irene can accidentally find it.

If you have to do it 7 times a day for a week, do it. Jesus does not mind. Trust me, I know.

Believe me, the biggest sin we commit is we limit the power of Jesus. TRUST in Him and then go about your business.

And then, would you please pray for me too?

Thankyou.

Leslie,

I just wanted to tell you that I remembered you suggesting that in another thread, and when I was speaking on the phone to a very distraught friend last night, I suggested it to him and I was shocked when he actually said he would try it and it sounded good to him to have a physical representation of all he needed to give to Jesus. (He’s in medical school and totally overwhelmed by some family issues and girlfriend issues.)

Thank you very much for it!

 

[La_Chiara]

LSK/Leslie–You have suggested this technique to several people on the forums. It is a great technique in that it puts into practice what we as Catholic Christians are called to do–pray, offer up our sufferings, and trust in God.:angel1:

 

[sparkle]

MGEISING:

Hi:

/QUOTE]

Hello and I really do sympathize with you. Gosh what a hard issue it is for you friend. I think it is a very hard call to determine, and how to do so with parents, even tough as they just might be causing us, their kids, such grief and turmoil. This is one of my ongoing issues as well, so I hear ya.

Well I cannot at this time offer any real help, other than to tell you to really pray about it MGEISING. Perhaps seek out Adoration today and let your prayers up to the Almighty who is the one with the answers. Boy do I know how families can be such trials. I say whatever you do, try to do it Christian Love and Charity, BUT, making sure you and your family do not subject yourselves to abuse of any sort. This is a hard one. I have been in your shoes, and I fully know it is hard to tell sometimes. Perhaps can you gain some advice from a friend today?
Just think however, that our parents are so old, and it is time we care for them.

 

[vluvski]

I heard this suggested in a Focus on the Family broadcast. Kind of like the Jesus box, but for the offending party.

Take a box, and inside the “front” (arbitrary which side you pick to be the front) paste a picture of Jesus. Tell the perpetrator to make a list of all the things they dislike about a person, or names of people who are mean to them and they don’t like, etc… whatever thing that invokes feelings of ill will.

Tape the piece of paper to the front of the box, and tell them they can vent their feelings by throwing darts. “This is for Bobby, who made fun of my glasses.” or “This is for my daughter, who has banned me from attending holiday functions.”

Ask them if they feel better afterwards. Some will, some won’t. Then open the box, and show them the picture of Jesus with all the dart holes in it. The lesson seems self-explanatory.

 

[MGEISING]

/QUOTE]

… that our parents are so old, and it is time we care for them.

Hi Sparkle:

Yes, my mother is elderly - but I have one particular sister that takes care of her. My other sister’s put up with her, but they aren’t abused as much as I am.

And the problem I have, Sparkle, is that her abuse, involves must more than just me. More importantly, my family - our children, who see how much she torments me and bring them into the torment

We have an inlaw that houses my inlaws half of the year, and my mother inlaw is very difficult, especially since we of different faiths, but even though her own son doesn’t particularly care for her (neither do I) she is a great grandmother and is so special in our daughter’s lives, not interfering (now) with our Catholic Faith.

When the two of them get-together, we never know who will be worse. IT IS SOOOO VERY STRESSFUL

It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult and I feel so alone right now — trusting only in our Lord that he will help me with this decision.

 

[betra2000]

MGEISING:

Hi:

Just need some advise. My mother - we will call her Hurricane Irene, is always invited to parties and holidays at our home. I embrace her with open arms.

However, for the past seven years, every party, holiday, get together - she causes havoc. She has a mean tongue and will say anything and everything she feels - without worrying about other people. She purposely does this to cause trouble. She has to be the center of everything.

This past weekend - was the last straw for me. She, once again, was invited, to a gathering we were having for relatives we hadn’t seen for over 15 years. She caused trouble - most especially with me, before anyone got there. She made the whole weekend miserable.

I am determined to not let another party and most especially a holiday - get ruined because of her. I am not exaggerating - she causes trouble no matter what the occassion. And when she and my mother inlaw get together - it is sickening. They are just unchristian like.

I need help. I have three sisters that feel the same way - but no one will stand up to her. She is a widower, and we all promised my father we would take care of her. But I need to think of my families happiness - and I feel I can no longer invite her - if she continues the same pattern.

Thoughts, concerns, what are my obligations. I am desperate.

Mgeising

She always fights with someone at the parties, if it is not me it is my

I have one of those in my family and she comes in the form of a sister. I had a nice get together on Christmas day. I had all of my family together. I even gave her money to shop with as she did not have anything to buy gifts with and she felt bad. Even though I tried to explain to her that it was not necessary.

Well, for repayment, she caused a big fight, and I actually had to have her physically taken out of my home. She just went crazy. I did not speak to her for 6 months, when she called my home to appologize. I told her that I would forgive her if she understood that I would not be inviting her to anymore of my family gatherings. Sounds harsh hu? What could I do? I have to protect my family! I did not like doing it, but it is funny, she totally understood and we have been getting along ever since.

 

[mlchance]

bapcathluth:

Whatever happened to the commandment to honor thy father and mother?

Whatever happened to the command for parents to not vex their children?

The Fourth Commandment has two parts: obedience and respect. A minor child owes his parents obedience and respect. A child who has reached majority owes his parents only respect.

Which is the exact same thing everyone owes everyone else.

If Mom can’t behave, she’s not invited.

– Mark L. Chance.

 

[Santa_Cruz]

contemplative:

Without looking … I found this tonight…something to reflect on by Cardinal Newman

Mary is the Mirror of Justice

Here first we must consider what is meant by justice, for the word as used by the Church has not that sense which it bears in ordinary English. By “justice” is not meant the virtue of fairness, equity, uprightness in our dealings: but it is a word denoting all virtues at once, a perfect, virtuous state of soul—righteousness, or moral perfection; so that it answers very nearly to what is meant by sanctity. Therefore when our Lady is called the “Mirror of Justice,” it is meant to say that she is the Mirror of sanctity, holiness, supernatural goodness.

Next, what is meant by calling her a mirror? A mirror is a surface which reflects as still water, polished steel, or a looking-glass. What did Mary reflect? She reflected our Lord—but He is infinite Sanctity. She then, as far as a creature could, reflected His Divine sanctity, and therefore she is the Mirror of Sanctity, or, as the Litany says, of Justice.

Do we ask how she came to reflect His Sanctity?—it was by living with Him. We see every day how like people get to each other who live with those they love. When they live with those whom they don’t love, as, for instance, the members of a family who quarrel with each other, then the longer they live together the more unlike each other they become; but when they love each other as husband and wife, parents and children, brother with brothers or sisters with sisters, friends with friends, then in course of time they get surprisingly like each other. All of us perceive this; we are witnesses to it with our own eyes and ears; in the expression of their features, in their voice, in their walk, in their language, and in their hand-writing, they become like each other—and so with regard to their minds, as in their opinions, their tastes, their pursuits. And again doubtless in the state of their souls, which we do not see, whether for good or for bad.

Now, consider that Mary loved her Divine Son with an unutterable love; and consider too she had Him all to herself for thirty years. Do we not see that, as she was full of grace before she conceived Him in her womb, she must have had a vast incomprehensible, sanctity when she had lived close to God for thirty years?—a sanctity of an angelical order, reflecting back the attributes of God with a fullness and exactness of which no saint upon earth, or hermit, or holy virgin, can even remind us. Truly then she is the Seculum Justitiae, the Mirror of Divine Perfection.

I agree with you. I would just like to add that…Justice has to look and feel like justice…

 

[BLB_Oregon]

MGEISING:

I think my decision to not have my mother with us at holidays - has caused me to be an orphan

Please pray for us.

At this late date, your dear mother won’t let go of her faults in a day. If she loves them more than you, then she has way too much invested in them. I will warn you that, like a child who is finally getting some much-needed discipline, she may well get far worse before she gets better. Likewise, your siblings may have been trying to rationalize away her behavior. Any or all of them may try to end-run your resolve. Expect this, brace yourself, and hang in there. Just because she gets worse does not mean she’ll be worse forever. Do not go back to accepting her abusive treatment of your family.

If you won’t be seeing your siblings on Christmas day, arrange to see them over the holidays at another time. Arrange to see your mom, too, for a limited time and in a place and at a time where you can excuse yourself immediately if you have to.

If you are going to miss your family at Thanksgiving, be sure that there are usually people who need a table to be at for the feast. Have an eye out for them: especially anyone estranged from their own families by emotional rather than physical distance. But remind yourself that it is not the real holiday that you miss, only the one you had wished you could have. The one you dream of was not to be had by staying on the same road you were on.

I know a bit of what I speak, although for different reasons. I can’t make it home for Thanksgiving. It would be easy to dwell on what I’m missing, but every year we have a big crowd here, and a blessed holiday. Last year, we were all set to have the family over here for Christmas, and then I got the stomach flu right before Christmas. I had to call the whole thing off, because I was going to be the main cook. I was feeling much better by Christmas morning, and our little family had one of the most restful holidays we have ever had.

If your heart is open, God won’t leave you an orphan, no matter what your family tries to say otherwise. Do not suffer the loneliness you expect until the day comes and you actually find yourself lonely. Rather, go into these days of thanksgiving with joy. You may find yourself very surprised.

(Not that other people are any guarantee of an easy holiday. This reminds me of a Maya Angelou story. She said her son asked her if they had to have all those people for the holidays. She said, ‘Oh, son, they have no place else to go.’ And he replied, ‘Mom, for alot of them, I think there’s a reason for that!’)

Today has troubles enough of its own, like the unpleasant task of giving the family the heads-up on your change of plans. Don’t start suffering Thanksgiving and Christmas Day’s own problems until those days come.

 

[Wolseley]

BLB_Oregon:

Last year, we were all set to have the family over here for Christmas, and then I got the stomach flu right before Christmas. I had to call the whole thing off, because I was going to be the main cook. I was feeling much better by Christmas morning, and our little family had one of the most restful holidays we have ever had.

Frankly, folks, I think in a lot of ways the typical American “huge-family-gathering-with-a-titanic-feast-for-every-holiday” thing is over-rated. It isn’t always necessary.

As a cop, I have worked just as many holidays as I have spent at home; and last year, even though I had Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Day off (because they fell on my regularly scheduled day off, not because I asked for them off), I had to work the day before and the day after each one of them, which meant that we couldn’t travel vast distances to with the family on either side.

For Christmas, we went to Midnight Mass (after I got off work at 11 PM…myself and a Marine were the only two people in the church wearing uniforms, LOL) and the next day we had Christmas dinner with my boss and his wife at his house. (He is a superbly nice man who loves my son—and vice-versa. )

For Thanksgiving and New Year’s, we did the same thing: we selected a stack of movies, prepared a plate of cheese and meats, got a few boxes of specialty crackers, and a couple glasses of vino, and we spent the day at home watching videos.

You wouldn’t believe how quiet and restful it was. Just sort of a “veg day”. It was especially welcome since my job is usually extremely stressful, and the next day I was right back at it again.

 

[contemplative]

Wolseley:

Frankly, folks, I think in a lot of ways the typical American “huge-family-gathering-with-a-titanic-feast-for-every-holiday” thing is over-rated. It isn’t always necessary.

As a cop, I have worked just as many holidays as I have spent at home;

I hear you. My DH worked the beat 20 years. I had plenty of time to realize the value of a relaxed meal together - minus all the Norman Rockwell Picture expectations.

I learned a lot about my relationship with DH and children because of his job duties.
I learned just how important I was in the scheme of the ‘larger’ family. I learned that extended family viewed my DH and family as very disposable when it came to holidays. That doesn’t sound very positive but it was. Because of it, I learned to say "To heck with all the other relatives and their dreamy expectations. I have one DH and one set of children and I am happy to be with them. They are number one in my life."

 

[MGEISING]

contemplative:

I learned a lot about my relationship with DH and children because of his job duties.
I learned just how important I was in the scheme of the ‘larger’ family. I learned that extended family viewed my DH and family as very disposable when it came to holidays. That doesn’t sound very positive but it was. Because of it, I learned to say "To heck with all the other relatives and their dreamy expectations. I have one DH and one set of children and I am happy to be with them. They are number one in my life."

My husband and two beautiful daughters mean the world to me - that is why I can no longer have holidays that are so stressful - and who knows who will be attacked by my mom.

We have over 20-25 people at our homes for all the holidays- it won’t be lonely - that is for sure … and you are right - I will miss most - the holiday that I can’t have with my extended family - but I will have my family … and that means more to me than anything.

Our home is always welcome, no matter the size, creed, color … all we ask for is PEACE.

 

[contemplative]

MGEISING:

My husband and two beautiful daughters mean the world to me - that is why I can no longer have holidays that are so stressful - and who knows who will be attacked by my mom.

Have you thought that it may not be just your mother that runs you ragged on the holidays? Maybe deep down inside you would like to ‘be with’ your DH and children in a deeper and more meaningful way with out all the stress of 25-30 other people?
I know I would be a basket case if I had to do this each and every holiday.
There were some pretty clear indicators to me that I needed to trim down the invited guests.

After a thanksgiving meal (which is tough and time consuming to prepare) all I really wanted to do was curl up next to my DH on the couch. Guess what? No room on the couch.

Christmas at someone else’s home? Forget it. These days I just need to sleep in on Christmas morning (midnight Mass). We all need to sleep in on Christmas morning. The rest of the family…DH and children are going on all fours during the week…these days right up to the holiday and frankly they simple need quiet and rest on the holiday. I provide the cooked food for the family and they eat quietly and contentedly. We all tend to take afternoon naps in our bedrooms after the big meal? Your spouse would love if the two of you slipped into your bedroom (without Ma or 25-30 other people watching) for a little nap in the afternoon Beats a game of Scrabble or Trivial Persuit any day…board games you can play after your nap.

 

[Marie]

Don’t invite her to gatherings anymore. If she wants to come for a dinner with just your family, she can fire away. Hold your peace but don’t allow her to invade the larger gatherings and make them miserable any longer. “You can always say: "I am, who I am. And I don’t like squabbling in front of a bunch of people.” Say it with a smile from the heart and go on with your life. She can accept it or reject it, but that’s her problem.

 

[MGEISING]

contemplative:

Have you thought that it may not be just your mother that runs you ragged on the holidays? Maybe deep down inside you would like to ‘be with’ your DH and children in a deeper and more meaningful way with out all the stress of 25-30 other people?
I know I would be a basket case if I had to do this each and every holiday.
There were some pretty clear indicators to me that I needed to trim down the invited guests.

After a thanksgiving meal (which is tough and time consuming to prepare) all I really wanted to do was curl up next to my DH on the couch. Guess what? No room on the couch.

Christmas at someone else’s home? Forget it. These days I just need to sleep in on Christmas morning (midnight Mass). We all need to sleep in on Christmas morning. The rest of the family…DH and children are going on all fours during the week…these days right up to the holiday and frankly they simple need quiet and rest on the holiday. I provide the cooked food for the family and they eat quietly and contentedly. We all tend to take afternoon naps in our bedrooms after the big meal? Your spouse would love if the two of you slipped into your bedroom (without Ma or 25-30 other people watching) for a little nap in the afternoon Beats a game of Scrabble or Trivial Persuit any day…board games you can play after your nap.

I thrive on 25-30 people. I love it love it love it. And a lot of them have NO family around - so that is more satisfying. It isn’t stressful to me at all! I know - I am strange.

It truly is my mom and who she attacks… honestly.

 

[LSK]

MGEISING:

I thrive on 25-30 people. I love it love it love it. And a lot of them have NO family around - so that is more satisfying. It isn’t stressful to me at all! I know - I am strange.

It truly is my mom and who she attacks… honestly.

I love that kind of holiday dinner too - so I am strange with you…do the Jesus box…I swear it works…

 

[contemplative]

MGEISING:

I thrive on 25-30 people. I love it love it love it. And a lot of them have NO family around - so that is more satisfying. It isn’t stressful to me at all! I know - I am strange.

It truly is my mom and who she attacks… honestly.

I understand. Perhaps the best thing to do at this point is to invite your mom over for coffee…or go better yet go to her home and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her how you feel and how her bad behaviour around guests must come to a stop. Tell her how much you want her for holidays but if she can’t modify her behaviour she will not be invited anymore. You must say something for your own sanity. If you simply stop inviting her she will wonder what is wrong.

 

[newf]

MGEISING, I believe you…it’s your mom who is the problem.

I completely understand what you have written as I have experienced the same thing with my own mom.

I made the painful decision to cut both my parents out of my life about 13 yrs. ago. Several times we tried to reconnect, but her behavior is such that I cannot deal with it. And my dad does nothing but support her. I have not seen them for the last 13 Christmases, Thanksgivings, and other holidays. I had to cut them off from my children as I was not going to let her do to them what she did to me.

I always had the hope that things would become better. I do not hate her. I feel sorry for her. And I pray for her. But I cannot have her in my life.

People who have not walked this road really can’t understand how painful this situation is. It is not normal. And it is worse when it is your parent.

After all these years, I am very glad of the decision I made. My family is much healthier for it. My marriage is alive because of it. My relationship with my brothers and sisters is intact. We’re making the best of a bad situation.

I encourage you to be strong and think about your husband and children first. You need to be the best wife and mom you can for them. Everything else is second, even your mother. I wish you well.

 

[Jaded27]

mercygate:

Same issue with SIL. FIL told us we HAD to invite her or he wouldn’t come. I responded, “We’ll miss you.” So I have a reputation as the family B****. I can live with that.

I decided it was unfair to hold 15 or 20 people hostage to ONE person’s inability to behave properly in a social setting – family or not…

I know I’m coming into this a little late, but I just had to agree with this VERY good point. Why make everyone suffer just because one person is not capable of accounting for themselves? Insanity=repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results - inviting this person to family event after family event and expecting them to change their bad ways.

 

[LSK]

newf:

MGEISING, I believe you…it’s your mom who is the problem.

I completely understand what you have written as I have experienced the same thing with my own mom.

I made the painful decision to cut both my parents out of my life about 13 yrs. ago. Several times we tried to reconnect, but her behavior is such that I cannot deal with it. And my dad does nothing but support her. I have not seen them for the last 13 Christmases, Thanksgivings, and other holidays. I had to cut them off from my children as I was not going to let her do to them what she did to me.

I always had the hope that things would become better. I do not hate her. I feel sorry for her. And I pray for her. But I cannot have her in my life.

People who have not walked this road really can’t understand how painful this situation is. It is not normal. And it is worse when it is your parent.

After all these years, I am very glad of the decision I made. My family is much healthier for it. My marriage is alive because of it. My relationship with my brothers and sisters is intact. We’re making the best of a bad situation.

I encourage you to be strong and think about your husband and children first. You need to be the best wife and mom you can for them. Everything else is second, even your mother. I wish you well.

You have made a difficult decision and you did it with love, without hatred and without whining. I have so much admiration for you. I know it was painful and I am sure, in some ways, it still is but what you did was what a REAL mother does for her children,her husband and her family as a whole. My :tiphat: is off to you.