My Mother

[contemplative]

Without looking … I found this tonight…something to reflect on by Cardinal Newman

Mary is the Mirror of Justice

Here first we must consider what is meant by justice, for the word as used by the Church has not that sense which it bears in ordinary English. By “justice” is not meant the virtue of fairness, equity, uprightness in our dealings: but it is a word denoting all virtues at once, a perfect, virtuous state of soul—righteousness, or moral perfection; so that it answers very nearly to what is meant by sanctity. Therefore when our Lady is called the “Mirror of Justice,” it is meant to say that she is the Mirror of sanctity, holiness, supernatural goodness.

Next, what is meant by calling her a mirror? A mirror is a surface which reflects as still water, polished steel, or a looking-glass. What did Mary reflect? She reflected our Lord—but He is infinite Sanctity. She then, as far as a creature could, reflected His Divine sanctity, and therefore she is the Mirror of Sanctity, or, as the Litany says, of Justice.

Do we ask how she came to reflect His Sanctity?—it was by living with Him. We see every day how like people get to each other who live with those they love. When they live with those whom they don’t love, as, for instance, the members of a family who quarrel with each other, then the longer they live together the more unlike each other they become; but when they love each other as husband and wife, parents and children, brother with brothers or sisters with sisters, friends with friends, then in course of time they get surprisingly like each other. All of us perceive this; we are witnesses to it with our own eyes and ears; in the expression of their features, in their voice, in their walk, in their language, and in their hand-writing, they become like each other—and so with regard to their minds, as in their opinions, their tastes, their pursuits. And again doubtless in the state of their souls, which we do not see, whether for good or for bad.

Now, consider that Mary loved her Divine Son with an unutterable love; and consider too she had Him all to herself for thirty years. Do we not see that, as she was full of grace before she conceived Him in her womb, she must have had a vast incomprehensible, sanctity when she had lived close to God for thirty years?—a sanctity of an angelical order, reflecting back the attributes of God with a fullness and exactness of which no saint upon earth, or hermit, or holy virgin, can even remind us. Truly then she is the Seculum Justitiae, the Mirror of Divine Perfection.

 

[Peace-bwu]

We call my mom “Debbie Downer” from SNL. She is also much like the mom in the movie “real women have curves” She can be the nicest person, when she wants to be, but then she knows exactly what to say to make a person feel horrible. She is very emotionally manipulating. She only does nice things when they benefit her.

There are many other worse things which I won’t go into here. I still want to have the best relationship with her as possible. So I had to set ground rules. I tried to treat my mom with the same care and patience I would my children.

The most important thing is to be calm, keep your cool, then set your ground rules for your adult life, what you expect of her and stick to them. Treat her with respect but dont’ allow her to treat others badly. Tell her that you will remove her from teh situation until she can behave, either by taking yourself out of the situation or not inviting her to the next family function. Tell her you love her and respect her and hope that she will change for the betterment of her family. This will make her angry but be patient and supportive and give her room to grow and change. I can’t tell you how important it is to do this when you are alone, so as not to embarass her in front of others and to remain calm yourself.

 

[First_of_9]

You said this behavior has been going on for seven years.

You might seriously consider a complete physical and mental checkup. There are any number of physical and mental illness that could account for her change in behavior.

This sounds like too serious a problem to be diagnosed and/or treated by us well-meaning laymen. I strongly suggest professional help–both for you and you mother.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

If your siblings think you should all give this another few tries, I like the other possibility that’s been suggested: humor.

When I was little, my older brother used to call me all sorts of names: stupid, Edith Bunker, you name it. Whatever I did, he put me down. We were a family with seven kids, so Mom simply couldn’t be there all the time to stop him.

When I was 10 or 12, she suggested that since his taunts were so ridiculous, I should start agreeing with him. So the next time he called me stupid, I said, “You know, you’re absolutely right. I’m so stupid, I don’t know how you can stand to be around me. It must be awful for you.”

He had been taunting me since I was barely out of the cradle… and this worked! It totally took the wind out of his sails. I have used it at work, too. We had one of those guys who’s down on everything. I used to greet him with a smile and say, “It’s Mary Sunshine! How are you?” He became one of my most trusted friends.

Another time when I was in gradeschool, I was nice to one of the teachers, for Lent. No one liked this teacher. The other teachers didn’t like her. The kids didn’t like her. She played favorites, and her favorites didn’t even like her. But I made it a point to go talk to her. When I graduated, a few years later, I was talking to the principal and this teacher came up and told me how she would miss me. When she left, the principal (also a Catholic), asked how I could stand to be around her. I told her, “Well, I was nice to her for Lent one year, and it kind of got to be a habit.” I thought she would break a gut with laughing.

So maybe, instead of “opening arms” to her, you might want to join with your siblings to cultivate more of a humored affection for her, like we’ve all had for a curmudgeonly person or an impossible pet. Smile indulgently and laugh off her tantrums and tirades. Practice for the times she hits a nerve… “Uh, uh, uh! Nice try, but I’m not biting, Mama Sunshine! You can’t change, I can’t change. If my house looks like a cyclone hit it on Christmas Day and I couldn’t cook my way out of a bag of Uncle Ben’s, that’s your cross to bear, you poor thing. I don’t know what you did to God to deserve me, but that’s your cross to bear.” If you have back-up, it just might work.

 

[FCEGM]

MGEISING:

I just want peace.

Perhaps what you need, though, is the strength to bring peace. IOW, you definitely don’t have peace now and won’t have it as long as nothing is changed with your mother being included in family gatherings. It’s one thing to see a problem and complain about it; it’s another thing to have the will and energy to do something about the problem no matter what others may say about how you’ve handled it. May the Lord grant you the strength to deal wisely with this most difficult situation.

 

[Wolseley]

Amie:

Been there… my mom is okay, but she has her “moments”… Just today, she was crying on the phone to me for hurting her feelings (you’d have to know her… it’s a manipulative trick), because I put my foot down about overfeeding my children junk food when we come by, and her not listening and supporting me with the food and the discipline I give when she’s with us, such as “Oh, you’re mommy said you can’t have that, but if it were up to me, you could!” Thanks for the support mom…

Oh, I know all about this. My 4-year old has a hypersensitive system when it comes to sugar. We have to severely limit his intake, even in stuff like fruit juice and bananas, melon, etc., or he gets wiggy—if he gets too much, he not only gets hyperactive, he gets mean, vindictive, horrible, uncontrollable, incoherent, etc.—and he can eat something like that at 2:00 in the afternoon and will stay awake until 3 in the morning. A similar effect comes if he gets caffeine or chocolate. The family doctor said that his system has some sort of development flaw (he used one of those $16.00 medical terms with 'leventy-five syllables), and he just can’t handle the stuff yet, and may not until he’s in his teens, or even his twenties.

Needless to say, family gatherings have been touchy. My sisters and my older neices always want to hand him the same **** that all the other kids are eating, and we always have to be right there to take it away from him, and remind them (again!) that he can’t have the stuff. Then we go through the same routine of “But it’s Christmas! (4th of July! Thanksgiving! Easter! His birthday!)”, and we have to say, “It doesn’t matter—he can’t have it! The doctor says it makes him sick. Stop it!”

So, of course, we have the reputation of being The Horrible Parents Who Deprive Their Child Of All Life’s Pleasures because we won’t let him eat processed sugar. You wouldn’t believe the list of crud that he can’t eat…chocolate, honey, soda pop, cake, ice cream, juice-based drinks like Hi-C, candy, pie, anything with sugar scooped on it (like sliced peaches or the like), even sweet fruit like cherries or nectarines.

Last 4th of July I had to literally take a plate away from him because my neice had given him a slice of my sister’s peanut-butter pie—an unbelievably rich concoction of peanut butter, chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and melted butter in a graham-cracker crust that would have sent him into the stratosphere—and she got her nose out of joint about it.

My wife stepped in and again started to patiently explain that he simply cannot have this type of stuff, and she ended up with both my sisters and my two oldest nieces confronting her, and my DW stared them right back and said, “We aren’t depriving him of this stuff because we’re trying to mean, or to be overly-strict. We don’t let him have it because it makes him sick, and because it makes him vicious and uncontrollable. You don’t have to deal with him for the rest of the day, or try to get him to sleep tonight; we do. Now, you can either back off, or we can leave. It’s your choice.”

They backed down, but they didn’t like it. So, I know what you’re talking about here. A couple times things have escalated into confrontations that could have been easily avoided if Those Who Are Not The Child’s Parents had simply done what they were asked to do instead of trying to circumvent Mom and Dad.

 

[mommyaprilj]

Tell you that you love her but that the rules for her are the same as for the children. If you don’t behave, you can’t come.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

MikeinSD:

Well, there are Catholics, there are conservative Catholics, there is the Pope, and then there is my father. I’m sure we all know people who more Catholic than the Pope. Or at least think they are. Just have to grin and bear it.

Are you my cousin? Is your father my mother’s long-lost, unknown brother?

I ask because we call her Pope M (her name) the Great . She speaks ex cathedra more often than any pope in history ever did- and is generally wrong.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Wolseley:

Oh, I know all about this. My 4-year old has a hypersensitive system when it comes to sugar. We have to severely limit his intake, even in stuff like fruit juice and bananas, melon, etc., or he gets wiggy—if he gets too much, he not only gets hyperactive, he gets mean, vindictive, horrible, uncontrollable, incoherent, etc.

A couple times things have escalated into confrontations that could have been easily avoided if Those Who Are Not The Child’s Parents had simply done what they were asked to do instead of trying to circumvent Mom and Dad.

A second to your motion… here’s another jaw-dropper:

My husband’s grandmother had a guest who told her in advance that he was allergic to shrimp. She did not believe him and decided it was her goal in life to disprove his “so-called” allergy, so she put some shrimp into the dressing, wizzed it up in the blender, and slipped it in anyway!! Luckily, her husband caught her. As far as they lived from a hospital, she could have killed the poor guy.

She was not a stupid woman, just an unbelievably stubborn one. That is what was so frustrating.

She’s dead now, so we can have good hope that she is over all that. It just goes to show how Heaven could not be Heaven if God did not first make us perfect. Even if we were put it a heaven with the people we love the most, if we had an eternity to get acquainted with each other’s faults without ever letting go of our own, it would be Hell anyway!

 

[allhers]

I think the best advice is the seperate celebration (perhaps at HER house?) surprise her!!
Also, one of the posters mentioned how their child gets very unsocial and mean if they eat the wrong things, maybe those unpleasant relatives share that too?? Perhaps their diet needs changing. …just a thought.

 

[LSK]

MikeinSD:

Well, there are Catholics, there are conservative Catholics, there is the Pope, and then there is my father. I’m sure we all know people who more Catholic than the Pope. Or at least think they are. Just have to grin and bear it.

omigawd…there are people on these forums who call those of us who quote the catechism heretics…so, yes, I know what you mean…

 

[MGEISING]

I want to thank you all for your comments on MY MOTHER. I thought I would share with you - some of the things my mother does during celebrations. It is easy to comment when - all the facts aren’t on the table.

Firstly, my mother told my husband parents, in front of our two girls, that their son was nothing until he met me (which is false, we are a great team and we have done well - because we are a team). She continued to tell them I never drank before I met their son. And it was his influence that introduced me to alchol. Now - I am not an alcohlic - but do enjoy a class or two. I do not particularily like my mother inlaw (for other reasons - another post) but I do not wish anyone to have to listen to this type of abuse - especially during THANKSGIVING.

Secondly, after my great aunt died, and after we were done with her funeral arrangements, my sister’s and I and my mother went to lunch afterwards. Well, we got talking about being insured and I said - if anything, Greg and I are overly insured.

**DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE RESPONDED ** …

Well, Greg would need the money if anything happened to you … it would help him get a much younger, good looking, thinner, blonder wife for his two babies. I all of a sudden said I wasn’t feeling well and left … and all my sister’s said, that wasn’t nice …

Now, I wasn’t considered big at all, but I just had my second child … do you think any mother in their right mind - would say something so cruel to their child? Even if I was as big as a house?

This is just the tip of the iceberg - and how she behaves during family get-togethers …

How does one deal with this — especially when it is out of my control … If it was just insulting me - that would be one thing - but she insults everyone that she crosses paths with …

I feel I am orphaned now - because I haven’t heard from any of my sisters - after deciding - I need to take a holiday … and that mom wouldn’t be allowed into our home again, unless she had a change of heart and attitude.

Is this a person, who can change? I highly think not. She is so cruel and mean … so unhappy, I CAN NOT LET IT FESTER in our home … our loving, peaceful, happy home. Especially after many many years of unhappy holidays at home with her

Please - pray for me … I do forgive her, but I can’t forget what she has done … and again, I could go on and on with examples, that would curl your hair (if it wasn’t curled already)

 

[mercygate]

MGEISING:

Please - pray for me … I do forgive her, but I can’t forget what she has done … and again, I could go on and on with examples, that would curl your hair (if it wasn’t curled already)

Imposed distance may be the only course you can sanely take. My mother was still saying stuff like that on her deathbed when I was attempting to reconcile with her. She never gave up. God rest her soul; I’m sure she’s better now. She died in 1989, and I still regret not being able to have an unguarded adult relationship with her.

 

[contemplative]

mercygate:

Imposed distance may be the only course you can sanely take. My mother was still saying stuff like that on her deathbed when I was attempting to reconcile with her. She never gave up. God rest her soul; I’m sure she’s better now. She died in 1989, and I still regret not being able to have an unguarded adult relationship with her.

I am very sorry to hear this.

Thank you for sharing. Without this some would wonder if they are the only one in the world with this cross.

A good priest once told me that the best thing to do is simply pray for that parent or family member who causes heartache. Ultimately, prayer is our best tool.

 

[MGEISING]

I think my decision to not have my mother with us at holidays - has caused me to be an orphan

Please pray for us.

 

[La_Chiara]

MGEISING:

I think my decision to not have my mother with us at holidays - has caused me to be an orphan

Please pray for us.

I hope you prayerfully consider how this situation may be improved through this period of emotional distance with your mother. It is very unlikely that she will ever be what you want. If she gets the message that she needs to change, the change may only be in small ways. You could think about what kind of change (on her part) that you hope to see in order to re-establish a relationship with her.

I say this as a Catholic woman who distanced myself emotionally from several of my and my husband’s family members. I always viewed it as a temporary situation because I always desired better relationships. I have been able to re-establish relationships of some level with those formerly estranged family members. But I had to learn not to react to some of their behavior and learn not to get upset. They changed a little and I changed a little. And I recognized that I can’t make people into what I want them to be.

 

[contemplative]

La Chiara:

I always viewed it as a temporary situation because I always desired better relationships.

This is important. Always keep those you must distance yourself from in your prayers and always know that you love them in your heart. Only God knows what it is really in our hearts and that is all that matters. God understands the decisions that we make…whether for good or bad. Hopefull we choose good. Daily ask God to show you the way in all that you do.

 

[MGEISING]

La Chiara:

But I had to learn not to react to some of their behavior and learn not to get upset. They changed a little and I changed a little. And I recognized that I can’t make people into what I want them to be.

Thanks La Chiara:

I totally agree, but unfortunately, it doesn’t only effect me, if it did - I would put up with abuse. But it affects my husband, our kids, anyone who comes over for the events, she will brutally attack, just to attack.

So, if it was only me who she did this to, I could accept it - but it isn’t. I do not want the holidays to be remembered as attacks by Hurricane Irene … I don’t want the childhood holidays to continue - like I had. I want better for our kids and other family and friends.

I am so very sad.

Moe

 

[LSK]

I have a suggestion. This has helped me so much. I got a great deal of grief from someone else on this forum for suggesting this but others have benefited greatly from this so I am going to take a big chance and suggest it to you. This will be a very long post.

Get an old shoe box and decorate it as your ‘Jesus Box’. Cut a hole in the top. Get a spiral notebook and start writing out all your negative, nasty feelings, thoughts, memories, wishes, dreams, hopes etc on your mom. Do not worry about spelling, syntax, sentence structure, what you think, feel or how bad it is. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO SEE IT. NO ONE. Not your priest, not your DH, no one. Just (excuse my delicate words) vomit your feelings onto the blank pieces of paper. Something like this “all my life that mother of mine has been opening her mouth and saying the worse stuff why can’t she keep it shut why would she say that stuff she said I was fat she said my husband is a loser she said it to my mil she told my sister I was stupid and my kids they were dumb and why won’t she just keep quiet and love me the way I am good GOD almighty is she just evil or out to get me willsheevershutupblah blah blayh” and keep writing until you are finished or exhausted. When you are done, put the paper in front of you, get on your knees and say something like this:

Dear Jesus, Here it is. This is what is on my mind, what is in my heart and what is hurting my soul. I know I am not supposed to let this hurt me, Lord but it does. You told St. Faustina that we are supposed to come to You with all that is in us. That we are supposed to trust completely in You, Lord that you will love us no matter what troubles and hurts us and keeps us from you. Well, Jesus, I trust in You. So here it is, Lord. Take it. I trust in You, Lord. Amen.

Then put it in your Jesus Box. Put the Jesus Box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet so no one, including Hurricane Irene can accidentally find it.

If you have to do it 7 times a day for a week, do it. Jesus does not mind. Trust me, I know.

Believe me, the biggest sin we commit is we limit the power of Jesus. TRUST in Him and then go about your business.

And then, would you please pray for me too?

Thankyou.

 

[La_Chiara]

MGEISING:

Thanks La Chiara:

I totally agree, but unfortunately, it doesn’t only effect me, if it did - I would put up with abuse. But it affects my husband, our kids, anyone who comes over for the events, she will brutally attack, just to attack.

So, if it was only me who she did this to, I could accept it - but it isn’t. I do not want the holidays to be remembered as attacks by Hurricane Irene … I don’t want the childhood holidays to continue - like I had. I want better for our kids and other family and friends.

I am so very sad.

Moe

I don’t know how bad your mother’s behavior is. Clearly, it is bad enough that you need to take a break from her and her behavior. But I would suggest that while you have this distance with your mother that you prayerfully consider alternative ways that you can react to her. Consider how God can use you and this experience to positively model Christian behavior to your children. As you know, our children observe us and model themselves on us. While it is important to show our children that we (and they) need not accept abuse from anyone (even family members), it is also important that we show them how to interact kindly and charitably with especially difficult people. Perhaps with some emotional distance from your mother and prayer, you will feel strengthened to deal with her and can invite her back into your lives from a position of strength. Blessings.