I am seeing this a lot–“men who should be fathers of their own house in the same house”–what kind of issues are you referring to? Where do you see the two men bumping heads and unable to be “fathers of their own house” because they reside in the same residence? Seeking to understand where the rest of your have run into issues and were prevented from being the father of your family by someone else because you resided with them. Thank you.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
When you’re living with your parents in the house in which you grew up, it can be hard to assert oneself as an adult, much less as a married couple who need to set their own rules, traditions, and so on. Oftentimes, even if the relationship is genuinely excellent between the two generations, it can be hard for the child who grew up in that house not to be somewhat passive while living there because they’re his/her parents. Passivity can be excruciatingly irritating in a relationship, to put it mildly.
Here’s one very small example. DH and I get along really well with his parents. I like them very much, and wish they lived closer.
However, when we’re at their house, DH tends to revert to being a “kid.” This is probably not helped by the fact that there are still a lot of younger siblings living at home.
His parents generally offer to babysit for us while we go on a date. I would love this–nothing personal at all to my in-laws, who, as I said, I like, but DH and I don’t have a regular babysitter, so being able to go on a date is a Big Deal. DH will shrug, say “maybe,” and carry on hanging out and doing whatever his siblings are doing (gaming, watching TV, etc) while I take care of DD. I then get angrier and more resentful over the course of the stay because I’m easily doing 99% of DD’s care, and he seems to not even care enough about me to take a couple of hours to go out to dinner if hanging out with his siblings is an option. It’s almost like he forgets about being a husband when he’s home with the family, even though he’s a pretty darn good one when we’re at our place.
As another example, DH comes from a big family who tend to keep night hours and who, because of the sheer number of people there, tend to carry on most conversations at the top of their voices in order to be heard. They don’t mean it in anger–it’s just evolved to that point because there are so many people always talking all at once. I do not like yelling, even if it’s not in an argument, and it really stresses me out…especially when I’m woken up by it.
His parents make a point of giving us our own room while we’re there. I can’t, however, keep the hours that everyone else does: DD will be up by 6:30, so I can’t stay up and talk until 2 AM or later like they can. However, they’ll periodically stand right outside my door and have a conversation at the tops of their voices at 1 AM. It’s not reasonable for me to expect them to shift their schedules by several hours, but it also leads to a lot of resentment because I’m tired all day on top of being the sole caregiver for DD while everyone else has fun. (And, as Xantippe has mentioned, this house is like most American houses in that it’s just not set up for multigenerational living: all the bedrooms are off of the main living areas.)
And this, as I said, is an in-law/son-and-DIL relationship that I suspect is better than 99% of the ones out there. We all love each other very much…and living under the same roof would translate to massive resentment and irritation on a long-term basis.
ETA: from a simply practical perspective, being with in-laws carries this small but significant thing that pertains to guys but not women. It would be vastly inappropriate for me to hang out with my brothers- and father-in-law while not wearing a bra and in comfortable pjs. Guys, however, can throw on a t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts and be quite appropriate for mixed company.
