My new husband has been lying to me about viewing pornography!

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Do you and your husband pray together? I don’t mean attend Mass together, but do you pray together on a daily basis? It’s time for both of you to grow up spiritually and put God first in your life, not each other. You are one flesh now, sealed by the sacrament of matrimony–you need to pray as one.

Porn can be very destructive in a marriage because a man is viewing a woman as the object of lust. It won’t be long before he starts viewing you that way, too.

I think a lot of men struggle with this–I think at the root is a lack of true spiritual commitment to Christ.
 
kage_ar said:
Dear poster,

TLM, the poster above me, is in the “everyone does it” camp. That is not true. There are men of integrity in this world, men who do not engage in this sinful act, men who know it is a sinful habit and as Christians are told to do, they flee immorality.

Not to sound like Dr. Laura, but, you dated this guy and kept dating him knowing that he did this. You picked him out, chose to have relations with him outside of marriage - by this action you stated that you loved this man above your own relationship with God. You really were enamoured with him to go to that extreme. You married him knowing he liked porn and masturbation.

So, made the mistake that so many women make, you thought he would change - that marriage would change who he is. That does not happen. Only God can change someone.

What do you do now, you get some good Catholic counseling. Since you are outside the US, I’d suggest the telecounseling services with www.exceptionalmarriages.com

I’d also suggest the book by Fr Dubay “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”. Encourage your husband to go to Confession, encourage him to read Theology of the Body, maybe one of Chris West’s studies for both of you.

Pray pray pray.
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*Wise advice here, I agree.

To the OP, my prayers are with you, that your husband can end this habit, once and for all…

TLM–there are two types of men…men who view porn and men who are tempted to? Wow. That’s really a sweeping generalization.*
 
bibagirl said:
Thanks for your kind words TLM08

Perhaps it might be an idea to show my husband the posts of this forum, as when I speak to him about this I cannot express myself calmly. Then once he begins to accept that pornography is serious and a big deal, perhaps we could go to a priest.
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You’re welcome.
I’m closing in on 50 years old and might have seen it all when it comes to pornography and the problems and non-problems it can cause. A lot of men, married and single alike use pornography and (or) masturbation not in a selfish perverted way but rather because the calm of stress relief it produces after release is second to none. It’s far faster and more effective than powerful narcotics. There are no harmful effects to the health and it’s legal and free. Talk to him and ask him if that is what’s going on with him. Is he under a lot of stress?

Of course not all men use pornography this way. There are some that have truly selfish and evil intent such as the involvement of children. Pornography is always spiritual poison even to those who use it as described above. It’s always sinful.

The main concern is that he is watching porn when he has a brand new attractive wife waiting for him upstairs. Lying and anger is a common defense against the shame he feels about this. Being calm and non-shaming when talking to him about this is going to be critical if you want to get him to be honest with you.

🙂
 
whatevergirl said:
TLM–there are two types of men…men who view porn and men who are tempted to? Wow. That’s really a sweeping generalization.*
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It sure is! It was meant to be! Find me a man who has never been at least tempted to look at porn and YOU get a steak dinner too.

😉
 
“TLM–there are two types of men…men who view porn and men who are tempted to? Wow. That’s really a sweeping generalization.”

I just want to support TLMs comments. Most of the women posters seem to think they have some great insight into the male psyche. I don’t want to shatter your illusions(delusions) but agree with TLM. This also applies to the vast majority of clergy. What people admit to(even to themselves) and reality are two different things.

Girls aren’t made of sugar and spice and everything nice either.

If I can leave the OP with one thing. His use of porn is not connected in any way to your appearance. Do not connect your self esteem to this.
 
Paul1961 said:
This also applies to the vast majority of clergy. What people admit to(even to themselves) and reality are two different things.
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Human beings are tempted to sin.

Christ himself was tempted, and was our example that by resisting temptation, satan will flee. This does not mean that a different temptation will come along, however, those who resist and overcome a temptation to a sin know that the book of James is true where it says:

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. "

I pray that you can find the company of good solid Catholic men who have overcome the temptation to use pornography. You will be encouraged that Jesus keeps his promises!

Unless you have a legitimate study that was done with active Catholic clergy, it is uncharitable to post such a statement about our holy priests. They are humans, tempted to sin, yet we cannot presume to know what each individual is tempted with.
 
TLM08 said:
You’re welcome.
I’m closing in on 50 years old and might have seen it all when it comes to pornography and the problems and non-problems it can cause. A lot of men, married and single alike use pornography and (or) masturbation not in a selfish perverted way but rather because the calm of stress relief it produces after release is second to none. It’s far faster and more effective than powerful narcotics. ***There are no harmful effects to the health ***and it’s legal and free. Talk to him and ask him if that is what’s going on with him. Is he under a lot of stress?
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I somewhat understand where you are coming from, however I disagree with your statements in bold above. The big M is inherently selfish and perverted. What you say goes against Catholic teaching. I’ll buy you a steak dinner if you find me a grown man who does the big M devoid of any sexual thoughts/fantasies. The big M is also a mortal sin. She stated that her husband is “more” catholic then she is, he knows its a sin and wrong and that is why he lies and hides what he is doing. He has a problem and in need of help and prayers. He does not need any excuses that will tempt him to give in or discourage her from helping to save his soul.

In my opinion the “release” is not second to none. It is totally un-fulfilling, it leaves you empty, broken, ashamed and alone. It is absolutely nothing like the true marital union. If you feel stress, pray, say the rosary, go to adoration, talk to your spouse, exercise. These are fulfilling and also reduce your stress and improve your life.

OP, with these issues you must be firmly against it. He must stop or else the two of you are in for a difficult journey. It is easy to fall into and difficult to get out of. It is as if the entire culture is plotting against you. On the other hand once he tries to change, he is to be commended, your support will be very helpfully to him. Once you break free and are committed to prayer, serving God and your family, it is really not that hard.
 
Paul1961 said:
“TLM–there are two types of men…men who view porn and men who are tempted to? Wow. That’s really a sweeping generalization.”

I just want to support TLMs comments. Most of the women posters seem to think they have some great insight into the male psyche. I don’t want to shatter your illusions(delusions) but agree with TLM. This also applies to the vast majority of clergy. What people admit to(even to themselves) and reality are two different things.

Girls aren’t made of sugar and spice and everything nice either.

If I can leave the OP with one thing. His use of porn is not connected in any way to your appearance. Do not connect your self esteem to this.
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Thank you Paul1961;
You are absolutely right about this not being connected with this wife not being “hot” or pretty or sexy enough for her husband. If there is one thing I wish wives who are hurting over their husband’s porn use could understand, it is this!
 
kage_ar said:
Unless you have a legitimate study that was done with active Catholic clergy, it is uncharitable to post such a statement about our holy priests. They are humans, tempted to sin, yet we cannot presume to know what each individual is tempted with.
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Of course, most priests are decent men dedicated to serving God and humanity, but when it comes to the temptations facing the holy clergy? Now we really don’t want to go there!
:o

“denial” is not a river in Egypt!

😉
 
bibagirl:

I realize that most posters in charity see a salvageable situation here, but considering how early this couple has been married and even now are entering into serious marital issues, I would recommend annulment provided she isn’t pregnant, and her case presents a valid reason, and I would advise that having children at this time is a very bad idea, and I know we are defering the purpose of the marriage for the common good of the couple, AND the child to be.

It would appear we are seeing the effects of compounding, since they were not to live togeather to start with, and even then there were at least some indications that this person had issues. Her obligation was to give him an ultimatum and wait until she was assured of real progress(the old adage, “Marriage doesn’t cure bad habits” noted), but usually it’s best to be thankful that God revealed this problem and move on to someone more worthy. Sadly she would not get help for this as long as she was in a live-in situation. The correct place for such analysis is in courting, where each evaluates the other for potential mate and engagement, and this process involves close scrutiny of both family and individuals. The longer this process takes place, the more likely these traits would expose themselves eventually.

We have bad examples of marriage picked up in soaps and protestant churches sanctioning these affairs. The old time traditions are tested and true, but calls for sacrifice not in vogue in this “get everything now” society.

This couple will have a hard time in consecrating their acts on each other’s behalf since there will still exist rifts to mend both of the spiritual and experiential from the past. I can’t see anywhere where there is a sense or spirit of a real marriage in this case. As such there is a marriage on paper only.

I would recommend this lady start over and pay more attention to the warning signs and what her conscience tells her. I know how difficult that will be gone this far, but she should seek other partners and not fall into the traps of this “marriage”. I would ask for pastoral advice on the bases of stepping out of this situation that isn’t a marriage.

Andy
 
Eucharisted said:
Gentless is the best correction. Think of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery.

Also, perhaps you can discuss a plan on the amount of marital relations per week?
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Gentleness, yes, but don’t forget Christ said to her, “Go and sin no more.”

They’ve only been “married” five weeks. They lived together 3 yrs and she didn’t know there was a porn addiction?

I would see a priest, especially before a baby is conceived. The man is not being faithful.

Good News for Sex and Marriage by Christopher West addresses the porn problem.

Christ talked about Adultery in the heart. That is the problem we have here.
 
bostonian said:
I forgot to mention…the very first thing your husband should do is to go to CONFESSION! Especially if he hasn’t been in a while, confession (along with any advice the confessor-priest may give) may do a lot to solve the problem. It’s a spiritual problem as much as a physical addiction.

You might also wonder about what YOU can do as the wife in this relationship. While your husband must cleanse his mind and his heart of any lingering attraction to the women in pornography, one thing you can do to help him is to give him reasons to choose YOU at every turn instead of turning to pornography to (possibly) deal with some pain he may be experiencing. It doesn’t excuse pornography at all, but some men resort to it as a way of coping with pain or a problem. So ask him if something is bothering him, and ask yourself about how healthy your relationship with him is, and seek counseling from a priest.
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*I am sure you meant well with this advice, but it’s unfair to say to a wife that she needs to somehow give her husband a reason to not look at porn…the flip side to that is that you’re inferring, ever so subtly, that a wife is somehow culpable to a degree for a husband to be addicted to porn. Porn viewing on occasion, is one thing…but an addiction? Neither is a wife’s fault…and if men start believing this type of advice, they’ll never get past this sin. They will always be looking for someone to blame. Men who are addicted to porn have serious issues with how they view sex…it’s distorted, and probably became more distorted through the porn viewing. They need help, AND a supportive wife. And further, porn is very easy to get into …especially with the internet. I have viewed porn with my husband in the past–we did so for years–we weren’t addicted, but it was easy to do…HOWEVER, it can be easy to avoid. Once you give yourself to the Lord, really, ridding one’s self of sexual sin becomes easy. But, let’s not blame spouses in any way for the sins of the other spouse.

OP, it’s not your fault…and while you feel that you have been betrayed, just know that this is an addiction like many addictions…and your husband needs your support, as hard as that might be right now. I will keep you both in my prayers, for a healthy marriage, that is porn free…Anything is possible with God. Please help your husband to get into a GOOD counseling group. *
 
AndyF said:
bibagirl:

I realize that most posters in charity see a salvageable situation here, but considering how early this couple has been married and even now are entering into serious marital issues, I would recommend annulment provided she isn’t pregnant, and her case presents a valid reason, and I would advise that having children at this time is a very bad idea, and I know we are defering the purpose of the marriage for the common good of the couple, AND the child to be.

It would appear we are seeing the effects of compounding, since they were not to live togeather to start with, and even then there were at least some indications that this person had issues. Her obligation was to give him an ultimatum and wait until she was assured of real progress(the old adage, “Marriage doesn’t cure bad habits” noted), but usually it’s best to be thankful that God revealed this problem and move on to someone more worthy. Sadly she would not get help for this as long as she was in a live-in situation. The correct place for such analysis is in courting, where each evaluates the other for potential mate and engagement, and this process involves close scrutiny of both family and individuals. The longer this process takes place, the more likely these traits would expose themselves eventually.

We have bad examples of marriage picked up in soaps and protestant churches sanctioning these affairs. The old time traditions are tested and true, but calls for sacrifice not in vogue in this “get everything now” society.

This couple will have a hard time in consecrating their acts on each other’s behalf since there will still exist rifts to mend both of the spiritual and experiential from the past. I can’t see anywhere where there is a sense or spirit of a real marriage in this case. As such there is a marriage on paper only.

I would recommend this lady start over and pay more attention to the warning signs and what her conscience tells her. I know how difficult that will be gone this far, but she should seek other partners and not fall into the traps of this “marriage”. I would ask for pastoral advice on the bases of stepping out of this situation that isn’t a marriage.

Andy
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*I agree to a degree, but many couples can get past porn addiction. It is not quite the same as an affair, although a betrayal of sorts in a sexual realm, does exist. But, I wouldn’t recommend she leaves her husband…UNLESS…he refuses to get help and just wants her to ‘get over it,’ or something along those lines. Obviously, no marriage can move forward if someone refuses to get help for a sexual addiction. But, many men can kick this habit…I agree with seeking pastoral advice, definitely. *
 
I disagree with the previous poster’s suggestion for an anullment.

Bibagirl: you have come to a Catholic forum seeking advice on your Catholic marriage. I would highly recommend that both you & your husband go to Confession, so you can receive the sacramental grace from your marriage vows. You may be legally married and you may have had a marriage within a Catholic Church, but you will not receive the grace from the sacrament if you were both in a state of mortal sin while being married (likewise, you will not receive the graces from the Eucharist.)

Only then will you truly be able to fight this “problem” your spouse has. God can and will make all things right but you have to do your part.
 
whatevergirl:

Not at this so early a stage where she (and he) should be focusing on setting a family environment. What is she to do if he can’t fix this problem and she needs to deal with infantile diabetes or some birth defect or any other emergency for that matter. He doesn’t even admit to a problem, which shows immaturity. How is his lack of resolve to be a future roll model for his children? If the children get caught up in drugs or bad habits, is he going to set an example when the kids find out his habit.?

He shows his spirit is not with the marriage and is in fact guilty of lust and adultery by desire and was in this state when he uttered his oath.

We can thank God the situation is reparable, but she shares some guilt for her situation. Time to shake the dust from her sandals and call it a bad dream and move on.

IMHO.

Andy
 
Does your husband realize that pornography objectifies women – including you – such that he will view you not as a partner in Christ but as a means to self-gratification? I am guessing that is part of the reason you object to his viewing habits. Make sure he appreciates your feelings.

My wife has a friend whose husband suffers from the same addiction and it brings this woman much sorrow.

Whomever suggested confession is spot-on, not only for this issue, but as a good habit. The graces that seemed like so much hocus-pocus to me growing up have become very real and influential. Going to confession on a regular basis is one of the best things one can do for building up one’s faith life. And this is something the two of you could do together – going to church together, confessing separately, of course!

Someone else suggested praying together more often. In the morning, starting the day in prayer together is good. Any prayer together, especially the rosary and spontaneous prayer, makes the husband and wife humble as they approach God acknowledging – in front of each other – their need for God’s help. It’s also a great way to invite God into the marriage.

Finally, do you share the same computer? If not, try to spend some time in front of it, either catching up on your email or reading articles of interest to you. After a week or so, put a little picture of your husband and a little picture of the Blessed Mother close together, near the monitor, in plain sight. If your husband asks why, tell him you’re developing an affection for her, just as you have an affection for him. If he moves the pictures, put them back the next time you are on the computer and keep this up 'til he leaves the pictures alone. I would think it’s hard to look at objectionable pictures with Mary staring right at him or with his picture there – like a mirror – reminding him of his wife’s love for him.

Sorry for rambling. Keep praying!

God bless,
Dan
 
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