Hi there. I´ve been married just 5 weeks and last Friday I came home unexpectedly from a cancelled gym class to find my new husband viewing pornography. I couldn´t believe it.
I find the idea that he views porn a bit repulsive, and it make me feel inadequate especially when he stays up late at night" and I´m lying upstairs alone in bed waiting for him. I´ve been told I´m considered “hot” by men and I´ve never had a shortage of male attention as I have a good figure so why won´t my husband turn off the computer and come to me instead! If he´s like this while I´m young and have a good figure, what will he be like then I´m older and lose my figure?
But what hurts me most are his lies, now I feel like I can´t really trust ANYTHING he says.
We have been dating for 6 years and living together for the last 3 years (yes I know people won´t approve), and I was always aware that he was secretly viewing pornography occasionally but each time I raised the issue he denied it, telling me that the computer has a virus and that´s why I found porn files in the hard disk. But since he´s a computer technician and I´m not, I was unable to prove that this was not the case. Then last Friday I could him red handed, and he still denied it.
All last night I spent searching catholic advice websites to know what to do and this morning I confronted him with evidence on the hard disk. He hotly denied it at first, getting extremely angry that I´d been “snooping around his stuff” but when he realised I had incrovertable evidence he eventually gave in and bit by bit told me the truth. He maintains that he lied to me beacuse I would react badly if he told the truth, beacuse he knows I´m not comfortable with porn. We have made up and he´s agreed not to lie to me any more.
How can I trust his word from here on in?
As things stand, I think he´s still going to view porn occasionally because he doesn´t see it as doing anything wrong. My real problem now from here is that he doesn´t see porn as a bad thing or a big deal. I don´t know how to get him to see that it will be bad for our marriage.
How do I get him to see that porn is bad for us?
HELP PLEASE, I´m living in a foreign country without family support or close friends so I´ve no real support system.
I’m a non-theist, so you may want to skip my post. But I’m giving you a secular perspective. I’m also only responding to the OP because I’m too lazy to read through this whole thread.
Does he never have sex with you? If the love-making is still happening with a relatively high frequency, then my next few paragraphs especially apply. If he’s never having sex with you, then skip my post until the “If you want him to stop” part near the end.
Some men want a fantasy. It’s like watching a movie about race-cars…sometimes that’s fun even if the man watching the movie doesn’t really want to drive a dangerous car, he just wants a normal car, but to watch the fantasy.
That’s sort of the way I am. Take Spider-Man, for example. I love watching those movies, and I love fantasizing about being him. But I would hate it if I actually were him; I would hate the responsibility, and the near-death experiences from fighting super villains. I like the fantasy, but wish it to remain a fantasy.
That’s how I am with porn too. I like watching the half-plastic woman doing…”stuff”, but would rather date a “girl next door” type. I wouldn’t want to date someone who even looked like a porn star; it’s not what I want in my “non-fantasies”.
Maybe he lied to you because he doesn’t think porn is a big deal, but knew you did. Imagine for a moment that your man thinks gardening is wicked. (Weird, I know, but go with me on this one.) If you really like gardening, you may lie and tend to a garden in secret. A lie is still a lie, but when you look at it that way, it’s easier to understand the lie, and even prevent future lies!
The fact that he lied is immoral. However, perhaps he was coerced (or coerced himself) into the lie about something he doesn’t view as wrong?
Porn only is bad for your relationship because you have a problem with it. There’s really nothing wrong with porn itself. (Most of the negative parts of porn could be done away with without getting rid of porn itself.)
I think if you realize that he probably just wants the porn for a neat fantasy (like watching a movie about magic or race cars), you may be able to view porn (pun!) in a different light.
My ex girlfriend, for example, used to watch some porn with me, sometimes at her suggestion. And yes, we split up, but for reasons unrelated to porn. The strife of arguing over porn never happened with us, because we both thought porn was ok.
If you do want him to stop:
Try sitting down with him and explaining why porn upsets you. DON’T have this conversation be like he’s done something wrong, and you’re explaining why it’s wrong.
DO approach it like he COULD be right about porn being OK, and see if you can communicate your way towards and understanding.
In order to do this, you may have to ignore the fact that he lied (or have it be a seperate conversation).
Note: I’m only in these forums infrequently. I really am trying to help, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to respond to people responding to this post. Sorry, if that be the case.
That is not how marital sexuality really should be, and I’m so grateful that we woke up to how damaging it could have become. This was a long time ago, but I would be lying if I said I never ever think of those images anymore. Hardly at all, but they are still in my memory bank. I often confess this, during confession. It is not unsual for married couples to ‘do’ this together, albeit women and men view it differently.
I think I’d be angriest the most, because we have teenagers now, and our 16 yr old son, we have warned him of porn on the internet, and have talks about it, etc. I would be angry if my son or daughter stumbled upon my husband’s internet history consisting of porn…I might be angrier over that, than anything else. I think when you have kids, and they become teens–your choice of behaviors change for them, also. **The habits we have, good bad or otherwise, don’t only affect the married couple, but affect THE FAMILY. **
Because porn is so effective in seeping into our longterm memory banks, even occasionally can be damaging. I think that as long as he is willing to change the behavior – there is hope. God bless, and good luck to you both! :hug1:*